Husband getting too involved with a colleague

[Olympiad80]

Name changed for this.

My husband is a team leader at work with a small number of direct reports. At the moment, they're obviously all working from home, which seems to be going well for the majority of the team, but there's one person who is apparently struggling. This is a woman who's a bit older than my husband and me. She's told him that she suffers from anxiety and depression, she lives alone, and she doesn't have any family around, and she's not coping very well with lockdown.

My husband is now phoning or Skyping her every day to check in on her and catch up on her work plan. We live in a small house so sometimes I can't help overhearing his side of the conversation - he seems to spend a lot of time laughing and joking, so obviously she's managing to function well enough to have a lighthearted chat.

I've heard from a mutual colleague of theirs that this woman has a bit of a crush on my husband, but he's always been oblivious to that sort of thing, and I don't think he realises. I'm concerned that she is playing on his sympathies and he's opening himself up to future problems as her boss. He is a very kind-hearted, open person and a lonely, vulnerable woman might misinterpret that and think it means something more.

I'm not worried that he's going to go off and have an affair with her or anything, just that she could cause him problems if she gets the idea he returns her feelings. Should I say something to him?

You could suggest they all have a virtual coffee break a couple of times a week. He would not need to check on her those days and it may do her good to keep in contact with colleagues if she is feeling lonely. All make themselves a coffee and then do a conference call. Chat and catch up but no talking about work. My dh is working from home and they do this on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 11am for about 30 mins.

I would not say she might have feelings, but i would say be careful to keep a good distance and professionalism, we dont need you in a false #metoo

Calling everyday is taking the mick. He can email one day and call the following day

I think you should just trust your husband and give him more credit for being able to manage his staff.

husbands behaviour is entirely fine, normal, professional

OP determined to believe otherwise

I have an issue with my husbands line manager she young so talented and single.
He took her a food.parcel when she was in isolation and they talk for work and he has always looked after her since she aftered at work after moving 500miles being cheated on by her husband and everyone at work being angry at the new people.
Shes very gushy they work in a industry that's like that I worked in it for years too she puts on her twitter feed how great he is and I really hate it but I get its trust and understanding that I would do the same for someone struggling and if it was a married women or a bloke it wouldnt enjoy half as much as it does.
It's really nice that your husband is looking after his staff x

He is being a good manager.

He is supporting her but possibly also managing and monitoring performance. Maybe he needs to check every day that she is actually working? He will also need to cover his own back from an HR point of view. There could be a whole history here that OP is not party to. Some employees do need a hell of a lot of support. It isnt that unusual.

You say you aren't insecure OP, but your posts read the absolute opposite.

Why are you shitting your pants so bad over this?

You've never even met this woman, but the derision in your words about her are disgraceful.

Your issue is with your husband so speak to him about it instead of starting a thread that you want everyone to agree with, about a woman you don't know and her state of mind.

You are the one with the issues here and quite frankly, you are sounding deluded.

Your gorgeous husband is too dim to see this member of staff may or may not be misconstruing his daily calls because someone told you this woman (who is nothing to look at btw), may or may not fancy him.

Get a fucking grip.

I wasn't trying to get everyone to agree with me, although more than one other poster has said that they think daily contact is too much and could give her the wrong idea. I realise nothing I say at this point will persuade people otherwise, but I am not insecure. Even if this woman was stunningly beautiful, I wouldn't be worried that my husband was going to have his head turned, because I trust him.

Are people really finding it so hard to believe that I know my husband and what he's like, and that he might not be handling this situation in the most appropriate way? All I'm saying is that daily phone or video calls are perhaps a bit excessive. I mean, come on, we all know what it's like when you fancy someone. You look for signs that the other person might feel the same way, and if you don't have anyone else to talk to about it, your imagination might well start to run away with you. If talking to the object of your crush is the only real social contact you're having, that would make it even worse.

I think I will mention it to him, anyway. Thanks to all those who could see where I was coming from.

Calling everyday is taking the mick. He can email one day and call the following day

What? No.

It is really possible to tell which posters on this thread work in a professional environment (most) and which don’t. OP, I think you don’t have a WFH professional job atm.

He should phone her Everyday unless annual leave is being take - and it is likely that he has been told to call her everyday by more senior/HR through this crisis. He is managing her workload, performance and the relationship she has to her work. Connection is essential.

If it helps, my boss calls once or twice each day. One of our team members is really struggling and he calls her three or four times a day. He actively tried to start conversations with me about personal stuff - I know he’s been told to do that cos we never talk like that in the office. Colleagues in different teams say the same about their managers.

As a line manager I am being encouraged to have video contact with each of my team, especially those who are on their own or vulnerable. I'm having a daily video chat with 2 different member of my team, one who is his own at home and the other who is with her boyfriend but who suffers with anxiety and depression.

The advice from our HR team is to let the team members lead on how often they want contact and above all else make them feel supported and to allow them to discuss any worries they may have outside of work issues.

Unless he is doing/saying highly innappropraite things to her it sounds to me like he's being a good manager to be honest.

Hi OP.
There may be boundaries being crossed and you need to have a word in private with your husband.

Checking in for a chat every day is too much. If they need to talk about work, every day is fine but not if it is social.

It's not about you being jealous - I don't think you are - it's about you and your husband setting boundaries.

Am I missing something? You don't even know this women fancies your husband, you are just listening to workplace gossip from someone who clearly doesn't like the women in question.
As people have already said, your husband is just doing his job.
If you aren't concerned about your husband cheating, what is the problem?

@PersonaNonGarter hate to break it down for you. You're not smart enough to know who's working in a professional env or not. So chill out.
i have no expectation from my manager to be calling me every day cuz i live alone two hours away from my family. We have so many client problems as consultants and he needs to manage the time of resources that have been put on hold. To assume he has time for his direct reports while leading beside the 3 towers with over 250 members is too shallow and idiotic.

So many comments make us feel like they work for a corner shop with each manager managing two ppl !!!

You sound nuts, sorry. I have vid calls with my line manager every day and a lot of that is chatting and laughing. You can hear everything being said, what are you bothered about?! Stop claiming this woman isn't struggling when you don't know her at all.

My manager sometimes calls me 3 times a day, sounds like you'd have a meltdown

I think people are being really harsh on this op.

It’s a confusing time and to have your husband go from phoning no one to phoning one particular member of staff daily must be unsettling, especially if you’ve heard that the woman is keen on your husband.

It’s clearly shaken and concerned the op and under normal circumstances we’d all raise our eyebrows slightly at a man calling his female colleague on a daily basis, well, I know some people think that’s great, but many of us would deem it inappropriate, especially if that woman is junior.

The difference is that these are not normal circumstances op and it’s acceptable to have this type of contact with employees during lockdown. In fact, it’s positively expected in some businesses right now who are working from home.

But, if it makes you uncomfortable in your own home and your DH isn’t phoning every member of staff in this way, you ought to speak to him about it.

A conference call with all members of staff may perhaps be more suitable. Or a quick daily wellbeing ‘check up’ on this particular woman, rather than a long chat.

Either way, you have a choice to make.

1. Put up with it until lockdown is over.
2. Speak to your husband and explain how you feel.

Like I said, don’t accuse though or say anything demeaning about this woman. Keep it simple and straightforward or you will sound bonkers.

I would be glad that aside from my husband being a professional manager and making sure she is ok that he is caring and kind enough to want to make sure she is ok and check in on her knowing she is struggling.

Until you said he was 10 years younger, I thought that you might be my bosses gf. I think you're being silly. He's supporting a member of his team.

I suffer depression and anxiety. My boss has looked out for me since day one. His gf has struggled with her mental health so he understands more than most. He calls or texts every day to try and keep my spirits up, he is an amazing boss and friend and its hugely appreciated. I wouldn't assume that he was being anything other than a good friend unless he came right out and said so.

I think your husband is doing what any responsible manager should and would. To think that a woman can't laugh and joke while suffering from anxiety shows a complete ignorance of the condition. I echo what a previous poster said, can you introduce yourself and ask how she's doing ?

Introducing herself is so odd, would you do that normally? Turn up to your partners office just to introduce yourself to an employee you've decided is exaggerating any problems they have? This is so unhinged.

If you really are worried then just be frank with your husband - don't be embarrassing and try and speak to her about it.

Is it ok that my manager and I have daily calls when we often just talk nonsense and laugh a lot, because she's a woman?

It feels like you're creating an issue out of nothing, you don't know the woman, everyone is having a tough time at the moment (if she lives alone even more so), and you're secure in your relationship.

I think you might be reading too much in to this - she is telling him she is lonely and depressed and he is stepping up to help improve her mood. It’s likely he knows you can hear and if he’s not trying to hide his conversations I think you have nothing to fear.

When my husband came out of his study for a coffee break this morning, I just casually mentioned that he should be a bit more careful with this woman in case she got the wrong idea about how friendly he was being, especially during these times of heightened emotion. I didn't say anything about what I'd heard re her fancying him, but I think I saw a dawning realisation on his face at that point... he agreed that it might have come across wrong and he's going to just email her instead, and only do video calls for team meetings and so on. He does call other members of the team on a daily basis, so he wasn't really singling her out, but he can see that it might have looked that way. So, problem solved. Thanks for all your comments, apart from the personally insulting ones, which I thought were completely unnecessary.

I think it depends what they are talking about. Work-related stuff and casual chit chat and banter is fine.

However, a lot of personnel stuff, oversharing information etc is entering into emotional affair territory (even unwittingly). Also, as you say, he has to be careful he’s not laying himself too open and vulnerable. (actually surprised more people haven’t said listen to your spidery senses re potential emotional affair).

How your husband approaches these phone calls is important. Is he open about them? What happens if it doesn’t happen? Does he contact her at other times (or vice versa).