Husband getting too involved with a colleague

[Olympiad80]

Name changed for this.

My husband is a team leader at work with a small number of direct reports. At the moment, they're obviously all working from home, which seems to be going well for the majority of the team, but there's one person who is apparently struggling. This is a woman who's a bit older than my husband and me. She's told him that she suffers from anxiety and depression, she lives alone, and she doesn't have any family around, and she's not coping very well with lockdown.

My husband is now phoning or Skyping her every day to check in on her and catch up on her work plan. We live in a small house so sometimes I can't help overhearing his side of the conversation - he seems to spend a lot of time laughing and joking, so obviously she's managing to function well enough to have a lighthearted chat.

I've heard from a mutual colleague of theirs that this woman has a bit of a crush on my husband, but he's always been oblivious to that sort of thing, and I don't think he realises. I'm concerned that she is playing on his sympathies and he's opening himself up to future problems as her boss. He is a very kind-hearted, open person and a lonely, vulnerable woman might misinterpret that and think it means something more.

I'm not worried that he's going to go off and have an affair with her or anything, just that she could cause him problems if she gets the idea he returns her feelings. Should I say something to him?

For all you know she can't stand him though and doesn't even want him to be checking up on her every day!

OP, you don’t work, do you?

I think you made the wrong call and it arose out of you feeling insecure about your husband’s work relationships. I don’t think it was because you were somehow worried for your husband.

I've dealt with the issue to my satisfaction, my husband has agreed that he needed to adjust his management style, and other people on the thread have agreed with me that daily calls aren't appropriate or expected in this situation, so as far as I'm concerned, I haven't done anything wrong. It isn't healthy for anyone to have to lean that heavily on their boss for mental health support, so if she was relying on him to provide her with a "lifeline", it would maybe be better for her to look around for something more appropriate. Anyway, I don't have anything more to add to what I've already said, so I shall be bowing out of the discussion now. Thank you to everyone who has offered constructive advice.

He seems lovely.

When I was off work for a month with depression after a very difficult set of circumstances at work and in my home life, my manager even met up with me at a coffee shop a few times to talk. Mostly about the work situation and my return, but also naturally as two adults with some stuff in common sat having a coffee about other topics too. We even had a laugh sometimes. Both similar ages good looking people.

It was a lifeline, I have other friends but as my boss he was the only one who was able to assure me about what would happen when I went back, to keep me in the loop about work, to reassure me that I could be off for as long as I needed, and who understood the situation. Reason we went to a coffee shop was because I couldn’t face going into work seeing coworkers.

No doubt you’d have seen that as overstepping the line. But it was exactly what it was supposed to be. Nothing nefarious on either side before or since. Just genuinely caring amazing management. Which meant I went back quickly.

Olympiad80
tell your husband to consider what my manager does... Every day he'll send us lighthearted voting emails (via MS outlook client) about how we are feeling today, he'll pick up themes from TV like GoT or something, and one of the options is something along the line of need help/want to talk, and only then he calls. We all respect him and know he's busy, and dont abuse that support line.
I absolutely love him, but if he calls every day, i'll block him, who's got time to be calling employees every day?

Now ur husband probably has less resources, but he can try to see what he gets in return... Because honestly daily calls means he's got little time to do his work... Managers dont just look over shoulders!! They need to set plans, address risks, report on KPIs and actually be of value. So many useless managers out there only act as proxy to forward work to others.

Hannah, that’s a great idea.
We had a very needy employee once, problem was it was always my H she was texting, whatsapping etc multiple times a day with general chit chat . We ended up rowing about it . Problem was she was a single mum, a bit lonely and once he started responding felt obliged to carry it on. Basically’white knight’ syndrome and yes I think he liked the fact he felt needed, as I’m not needy at all. Nice guys often just don’t pick up that some rather needy women just play on it a bit for fun/company, which is all very well but can really piss off some partners . A good manager would in this situation probably try and spread the support about with other colleagues, so it’s not all Daily one to one.

Well done op. You’ve done the right thing.

Sorry but I am with @Wanderlust21. This is an incredibly emotional time for people right now and lines get easily blurred. Deliver him a tea next time, smile and say hello, then leave the room. That's all you need to do, show that he is loved, a little reminder. Perfectly acceptable in the current environment!

Honestly smiling at waving at your DH's work colleagues when they are in the middle of meetings is a weird idea, particularly if you don't even know them.
It reminds me of Ross in friends constantly arriving at Rachel's work to have picnics etc.

It's arguably not exactly a meeting though. And no one knows anyone until they are introduced.

And infact if I was hubby I might even suggest my wife as a friend for this woman to chat to (obv if wife was cool with that). I mean they might have nothing in common (other than possibly fancying him lol xD) but I'd find it weird that my female employee wanted to tell me how lonely she was and talk to me, a married man every day. But I'd like to think my wife would want to help her if she could. And if it was something they were both cool with I'd introduce them.

But clearly I'm a bit 'out there' with my opinions.
I just dont see the harm in everyone talking to each other, work or not.

If my DH appeared when I was on a conference call with clients or colleagues I would be appalled. ‘Showing I was loved’ would not look like that, for sure.

Those who are suggesting this are clearly not WFH in professional roles.

I hope the person who is the subject of these discussions is not on MN and reading this thread

I find this thread interesting. I work in HR and have done mental health training as a MH first aider. This doesn't make me qualified in MH issues at all, but I can signpost where necessary. It's all about raising awareness.

His actions are appropriate for a manager during the current situation of homeworking and in supporting someone who may be a bit in terms of support with their mental health. Isolation can be depressing and hard to cope with.

He doesn't need to be a qualified psychiatrist to do this...just an awareness is enough. A friendly ear is enough to raise the mood of someone in that position.
I see him being a good manager with emotional intelligence...something lacking in a few managers in my organisation.

We also run mental health awareness courses for line managers and it outlines the kind of supportive gestures that make a difference to someone with MH issues. I'm sure other companies do this too.

It's really important for managers to be aware and demonstrate that they care and value staff...those are usually the happier teams with good moral.