Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

For anyone who is judging on this thread, unfortunately life isn’t black and white. There is no smoke without fire. People have affairs for all different reasons but more often than not it’s because they are taken for granted, unappreciated, abused and made to feel worthless. Unless you have been in this situation then please don’t judge!

How's everyone's day been? I've been keeping busy. My husband has the hump because he's not seen me. If I sat around I would just be thinking of him. I got a message this morning but nothing all day.

@idontcare12 life was fine before her, I've never strayed before and never will again, so I'm hoping with her out of the picture I can channel everything back and be a better husband and make it work. If not then I'll walk away.

@mumofboystimesthree we work together. We actually worked together very briefly years ago in a previous job but never felt this way, didnt even know each others name just faces haha!. Then I started my current job, she was there, she walked in the room our eyes met and that was it, I knew there and then something was different. She said herself the moment she saw me her stomach flipped. Not even a word had been said at that point.
Months later I told her i liked her and she said she felt the same and wanted to say so but didnt have the nerve too. We kept our distance for months but one day she told me I was all she had thought about. This is her first affair to and has never strayed before.

Seems to me we have all been duped in some kind of way or another by the same lines the same heart felt moments, all of us wanting to believe we are the exception to the rule. But are we? Are we really?
I sit here heart broken thinking why why did I fall for everything? Was he been truthful? Did he mean it all?
I miss him so so much, and it hurts and I long to hear him see him, even get a text for me to think oh he still wants me. But does he? Do they really want us?
It kills me as I never wanted to put up with shit after my divorce, but there I am falling for that attention, being called beautiful.
I wish I was the exception I wish things were different, I wish I could give my head a massive shake and tell myself to stop longing for him.
BUT he will never leave his wife, we won't be together and I just want to get over it.

*sigh
#lifesux #lifeishard #imisshim

It’s funny reading you pining over AP because as an AP at the time you feel like you’re the infatuated one and they forget about you when they are home.

So weird, two grown adults sitting at home who essentially know each other pretty well both dying for a txt but too scared to do it in case the other person thinks they’re too needy. In a normal relationship that stage lasts about two weeks but with an affair that goes on eternally. It’s hell. Funny looking back, how stupid 😂

For those slating the people who are in affairs on here, please don’t come to judge. I am the ‘betrayed apouse’ In my situation and the people that have helped me on here are having affairs and have been kind enough to help me. Everyone has things going on so don’t judge anyone

Cupcakes that is really lovely of you to say that. I hope things work out for you

@sleepyhorse that's not actually true. Not everyone who cheats is unhappy or being treated badly. Even this thread says as much. Everyone's circumstances are different and there are certain circumstances where it's easier to understand why someone has cheated......but it is black and white. Everyone who cheats chooses to. It really is that simple. It is possible to leave marriages and children and finances etc......and as painful as that can be, it's usually less painful than the aftermath of cheating. @Lostthewill80 is it really fair though that your wife could spend the rest of her life secretly playing second fiddle?.....when there might be someone out there that loves her for everything she is? I'm not saying tell her, especially if you are going to leave anyway, that will only cause her pain but it would be unkind to just continue your marriage for the sake of it.

The thing I like about this thread is that we are being open and accepting that we all can cheat, women as well as men.

For a long time I often see women here bashing men folk as if men cheat with dogs and cats. There is an equal amount of men and women who cheat on their partners. We are not better than men. And men are not better than us

Thanks to all who have shared their stories. My heart goes out to you all. Love you all.

I have a friend whose husband left her and then shortly after got with a new woman. Essential he left her because he had fallen for someone else and within a couple of months he was with the new woman. However he did not cheat, he did what you are saying was “the right thing” but let me tell you, he was heavily chastised and treated just as badly by everyone involved with the wife as if he had cheated.
I kept my mouth shut but always felt very sorry for him. What else was he supposed to do? Stay with his wife forever and force himself not to love the other woman? I don’t see what his options were other than to do what he did but everyone else seemed to think he was scum of the earth.

@Helpiamconfused sorry but studies show that generally more men than women cheat......research also suggests that men are often less emotionally involved than women. The research is out there. I'm not here to judge, I've cheated and I've been cheated on. I also have several friends that have been cheated on/have themselves cheated and it brings nothing but destruction....usually more so go women.

I agree that I also never thought I'd do something like this.

I'm not in an abusive or unhappy marriage so no excuse really.

What I will say is over the years when guys have come on to me I've cut it dead and had no interest in pursuing anything. I don't think I'm a natural cheat, I wasn't looking for it.

This has totally taken me by surprise along with the depth of my feelings. But I agree that it's a choice I've made. A bad one at that.

@Gtugccbjb by the sounds of it, your friends husband was already involved with this woman or how did he fall in love with her? You have to actively protect your marriage which he did not.....but I accept your point, he couldn't have won either way. I personally would have a lot more respect for him than I would for someone that carried on for months/years behind their partners back.

@idontcare12, I believe you have reasons for your position.

As someone who has been involved in research, I know that we get answers to the questions we ask. So I wonder what questions were asked in that research, and who the respondents were.

But then, please don’t take it that I am saying the research you quoted lacked reliability and validity. I am not. I can’t say that without looking at the research.

If men cheat more, I wonder who they cheat with. The ratio of men to women is near equal in every society. So if more men cheat, then there are some women who are getting it on with more than one man (in that case, cheating) or do you mean those men that cheat more are all doing it with sex workers? Or are there more single women in our society than single men? The office of national statistics will need to answer the last question.

Every cheating man is cheating with a woman, sometimes a woman who is in a relationship. Sometimes a woman who is not.

It helps to reduce them down to what they really are. Been there- for some reason I canonised what was essentially a selfish misogynistic emotionally bankrupt fat balding pervert

idontcare12 Nope definitely didn’t cheat. Met her at a party, couldn’t stop thinking about her. Analysed where that left his marriage and began to make his exit plan. Guess the difference was that he was already dissatisfied with his marriage (she was quite dominant towards him)

@HapBee just read your response, be kind on yourself a month in I was in a mess, I'd be online daily looking at his picture, thinking about him morning through to night, doing everything in my power to not call, email. I promise you it does get easier, but if someone had told me they would of got an eye roll 🙄

I'm a man, and no, it wasn't just physical for me. I read recently that it's more common for women to have affairs for physical gratification than it is for men.

@Helpiamconfused I did quite a lot of reading a few years ago (as I have said, I have been in similar positions). The research I looked at was completed anonymously by both men and women (I've been through university and know to look for reliable sources). What I took from it is that men cheat more frequently than women, possibly with sex workers (and they don't only cheat with women!). Maybe more men admitted to it than women, who knows. But people are more likely to be honest when their answers are anonymous Last time I checked the ratio of men to women in the UK, it was 51% females to 49% men.

@mumofboystimesthree I can't advise you strongly enough not to get involved. These things can just get their own momentum and can very quickly get out of hand. Make efforts to improve your relationship and make your life more fulfilling, and if that fails then leave. You really, really don't want to inflict huge amounts of pain on your partner.

@Gtugccbjb well at least he knows he did the right thing. Being a cheat can effect the way you view yourself....at least he has a clear conscience. I do believe if people were less critical of people who ended their marriage, then less people would cheat.....but that said, not everyone who cheats wants to end their marriage either.

I had a brief affair several years ago. I ended it because it was a bad thing to do. I would have liked to have remained friends with AP, but she didn't want this, so we agreed to break contact. We eventually resumed limited contact, and never spoke about the affair. I decided to tell my partner about the affair, partly because of the possibility of it all coming out in years to come, when we would be too old to start again. We are now living separately. The AP and I are no longer in contact, but neither of us has blocked the other. I haven't kept her number.

I’m not sure if it was “an affair”, I think it was but he insisted we were “just friends”.
We met three years ago, through mutual friends and he texted me the next day and we continued texting day and night for two and a half years. For the first year he made me feel as though we were perfect together, my soul mate.. he was never too busy to text. Then the discard started.. very subtly but enough for me to notice. Distance meant we only met once more. He refused to even speak on the phone and all our interactions were via text only.

We did sext often in the beginning, then we’d go through a friends stage, then he’d started the sexting again. To be honest I felt as though I loved him, but it was causing me so much pain. It became quite abusive.

In the end, it got to New Year’s Eve last year and I decided that I couldn’t face another year of texting and falling out and grief, so after much Prosecco I told him I wanted it to stop, I said all the things that had been in my head building up for months.. it all came out. I’m ashamed to say I told him if he didn’t block me I’d sent a text to his wife. Telling her about our “friendship”.

He did and I haven’t heard from him since.

I miss him sometimes, but although it’s taken time I am starting to feel like my old self again. To anyone in a similar situation please be strong and block them, don’t lose your dignity and self respect like I have done.

When we were in contact I was so u happy, friends say I changed during that time. It was addictive, his texts were my drug and it all became very messed up.

I’m in the middle of an emotional affair (I think). He has a partner, I am single. I don’t think he meant for it to happen, it just kind of happened on it’s own. He is a customer at my work.
It was instant attraction for both of us a year ago. We just hit it off. Nothing happened for a long time but a couple of months ago we kissed.

I think he had ‘settled’ and then met me and realised how it is meant to be. But maybe I’ll never know what he actually thinks. We don’t text, have never met outside of work.

I’m surprised that I have somehow gotten myself into this. Maybe it’s because I felt it back?

Anyway, lockdown is a good opportunity to try and get him out of my head. He was consuming my thoughts day and night.

I feel better for writing that down.

It’s wrong to have affairs. It’s not fair on the other party but I totally understand how it happens. As pps have said, it’s not always black and white.

I have been close 3 times and just pulled back from the brink so I can see how they happen and why people do it. I find my marriage dull and I’m sure a lot of others do. When someone comes along who makes you feel alive it is like a drug. I am that way inclined though. Probably a very insecure person who needs that constant buzz to make me feel good.