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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

997 replies

bloomingdalelovely · 07/04/2020 18:41

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

OP posts:
SambaMamba · 11/04/2020 09:15

Or just seeking a thrill.

Fedup2020 · 11/04/2020 09:41

@BW68 this resonates strongly. I’m a fantasist. I’m a deadly mix of fantasist, insecure, needs constant praise (daddy issues). Rather than doing the hard work and focusing on my reality and sorting out my insecurity I’ve relied on another man to bolster my ego. Completely addictive. Then I snapped out of it and realised my security blanket was never there...and had holes in. Im using this time for intense self reflection coz this can’t happen again.

BW68 · 11/04/2020 10:36

Samba- Yes That too. I have that side to me. Breaking rules, pushing boundaries.

YouJustDoYou · 11/04/2020 10:41

People have affairs for all different reasons but more often than not it’s because they are taken for granted, unappreciated, abused and made to feel worthless. Unless you have been in this situation then please don’t judge!

Funny how things that aren't illegal are excused, and yet the same emotions that lead to illegal activities are, rightfully, vilified.

idontcare12 · 11/04/2020 11:16

Affairs are black and white. You either cheat or you don't. Whilst there are many reasons people cheat (some easier to understand than others), cheating is cheating. It is that simple. One thing I have noticed about this thread (and in real life) is that the people who accept what they did/are doing and see it for what it really is, and seek towards to understanding why, are the ones that move on from it, heal and forgive themselves. Those that are still stuck in the fantasy, making excuses for their behaviour and saying 'it's not just black and white' are not on the road to recovery just yet.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 11/04/2020 11:24

I just want to give the other side to you all and what you may stand to lose. My ex had an affair when I was 8 month pregnant which continued to when the baby was 3 weeks old. How any man can cheat on a pregnant partner and how any woman can shag a man when she knows he has a pregnant partner is beyond me, lowest of the low imo. He had pushed for the baby, not me. He has since admitted he just did it because he thought he wouldn't get caught.

Anyway, when I found out I told everyone. His family did and still do stand by me so he lost the respect of them, his friends and his colleagues as did she as they worked together. He actually moved jobs. He still begs me to come back 5 years later, patheric really. His AP got pregnant, it wasn't his which we know for sure as her ex asked for a dna test (I'd let him know about the affair, apparently she still blames me for ruining her life but me and her ex remain friends.

I've been through a lot, sexual abuse and rape as a child and from my (different) ex. Plus being beaten by him to within an inch of my life. But the affair hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt the same amount of trauma as I had totally trusted him. I will never fully trust anyone again.

However I am happy with a new life, partner, career and baby. Even stronger than I was before. He is mainly miserable as everyone knows what he did.

And those of you who think what they don't know won't hurt them...the not having proof but suspecting (you can just feel something is wrong) was one of the worst parts of it. Just block them and delete them from everything so you can't contact each other. The pain is nothing compared to what your partner will feel. I'd recomment telling them for their sake. That probably won't appeal to you since you've no regard for their feelings but self preservation might....my relative found out 10 years later, kicked him out and he lost everything. Even his kids don't speak to him.

mumofboystimesthree · 11/04/2020 11:24

@StripyShirt i know you're right. I do feel unfulfilled and seeking a thrill to distract me from how I'm feeling. My marriage is for the most part pretty good, but married to a busy man who works in the city and is very preoccupied. For me, too much time on my hands is not a good thing. That's where the fantasising starts and day dreaming/lusting over this guy gets obsessive. I don't think he feels the same way as me as he's had the opportunity to make a move and didn't. Glad about it now on reflection!
Lockdown has been good for me to reflect on everything.

thebridgelooksbroken · 11/04/2020 11:29

I agree @idontcare12

An affair is always a choice, no one is helpless or forced into it.

Fedup2020 · 11/04/2020 11:44

@mumofboystimesthree please don’t do it. Please get a hobby and please talk to your husband about how his work is making you feel. Unfortunately real life can be fucking boring, hence seeking the thrill. Trust me the pain so isn’t worth it. How people can be polyamorous just amazes me. The thought of having your heart potentially broken by a larger group of people is scary !

mumofboystimesthree · 11/04/2020 11:56

@Fedup2020 As much as I've been tempted by this particular guy I couldn't imagine it going any further than me fantasising about him to pass the time. I definitely know I need to work on my self-worth and looking at how to fulfil my own needs rather than expecting DH to make me happy all the time. I actually hope I don't bump into this guy anymore and I'll be making a concerted effort not to engage in conversation with him. He lives a few doors away so it will be hard, but ultimately I need to do what's right.
I also have daddy issues and seek validation from other men to make me feel attractive, which in turn makes me feel good temporarily and boosts my self esteem. Obviously that is not a good thing😕

affor · 11/04/2020 12:04

I'm the AP, newly anyway. I never would have believe you if you'd told me I'd be the OW.

We have known and worked together for 5 years, always been really close and felt there was a great friendship there. In hindsight we have probably been having an emotional affair at times but not realised it.

But nothing ever happened until January when we got drunk and realised there was more. Que lots of talking and saying how we felt. Then deciding to stay away from each other. This lasted for a few weeks until we kissed a month ago then slept together three weeks ago.

Now we speak all day everyday, but can't see each other on lockdown.

I'm fed up of everyone stereotyping us. I don't have daddy issues, or low self esteem or any of the rest of it. He hasn't told me how bad his marriage is or that his wife doesn't understand him or that he's only there for his kid.

There is no script at play, we just have feelings for one another and have to explore that so we know what to do.

Is it ok? No absolutely not it's a horrible thing to do and the pp who said we don't care about the wife is wrong (at least in my case). I'd have to be a psychopath to not feel guilt/shame/empathy about what I'm doing.

But I want to know what this is and we have agreed that if we don't know before lockdown is over then it obviously isn't enough.

Fedup2020 · 11/04/2020 12:24

@mumofboystimesthree totally get the daddy issues. I just want a man to tell me I’m worthwhile....it’s pathetic, but addictive and very deep rooted

idontcare12 · 11/04/2020 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebridgelooksbroken · 11/04/2020 12:57

@affor

I'm assuming you are single?

You're sick of people stereotyping you? What because you are different? It's true love?

It's just pathetic. This man is married, he has a kid. You are going to destroy a family and your self esteem by the end of this sorry saga. You casually say you feel sorry for the DW, but I'm not feeling any genuine empathy. The lockdown has forced you apart again, use this as a perfect chance to ween yourself off this guy.
Is the sex really worth ruining so many peoples lives?

BlueHairBlues · 11/04/2020 12:59

@affor “I’m fed up of everyone stereotyping us etc’ to end of paragraph (sorry don’t know how to copy am on the app)

^ same for me. You must let us know what happens after lockdown.

For me, I think it will be telling for me and my AP. If he is still with his girlfriend by the end of it I will totally step away (not that I was instigating it - not say you are - just want that to be clear). As far as I will be concerned he can’t be feeling it the way I do

idontcare12 · 11/04/2020 13:33

I can't get my head around the self pity on here. Nobody is stereotyping anyone......it's been stated over and over again that people cheat for many different reasons. Sometimes that is because of low self esteem/self worth issues. Sometimes it's because people genuinely fall in love, sometimes it's because people 'think' they're in love, sometimes it's for the thrill/sex/intimacy or because they're bored. Either way it's still cheating. Its still selfish, still deceitful and almost always causes pain and hurt.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 11/04/2020 18:55

I can't get my head around the self pity on here. Me neither, it's so pathetic!

changemynamechangemynamewhen · 11/04/2020 19:03

@idontcare12 nobody has asked you to I just don't get why you would come on a thread and bitch at people when a)you disagree with the subject matter and b) it's a support thread

Fedup2020 · 11/04/2020 19:03

@wateroffaduckscrack I’m not sure this thread is for you. You’ve obviously been very hurt in the past and hearing people who’ve had affairs expressing their pain isn’t going to do you any favours.

thebridgelooksbroken · 11/04/2020 19:16

We're all entitled to our opinions and can post on any thread we like. The self pity on here really is pathetic.

Fedup2020 · 11/04/2020 19:17

I think it’s about what’s kind and what’s just a bit crap really. A person is asking for help to get over something that’s causing her pain. It’s a support thread. Time and a place for everything

Lostthewill80 · 11/04/2020 19:32

For those of you that ended your affair, do you regret ending it? Or are you relieved its over?

And do you still miss your AP even though you made the choice to end it?

WaterOffADucksCrack · 11/04/2020 19:57

think it’s about what’s kind and what’s just a bit crap really having an affair isn't kind. And thanks for your faux concern but I was posting a different side so people can try and comprehend what they are doing and how it affects people. I didn't realise that wasn't allowed. Ever so sorry if isn't, is it in the talk guidelines somewhere?

Crazychild · 11/04/2020 20:03

@Lostthewill80

I miss the dopamine rush and excitement. The ‘new’ feeling that you’ll never have with your husband/wife again.
The whole “working on your marriage” thing is largely bullshit in terms of being a substitute for an extra-marital relationship so I miss that.
I don’t miss the AP though as I’m just over it. Time has healed. Don’t regret it for a second though and never have.

Crazychild · 11/04/2020 20:05

P.S. I think I don’t regret it because I never got caught. Only I got hurt and I can deal with that.