Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

Guy here.

Affair started almost 2 years ago. Work colleagues. Both married with young kids. Physical aspect ended approx 1 year ago as she fell pregnant with husband but was very emotional until she left work.

My marriage is generally ok. Few problems as normal, a little boring maybe. Hers appeared stale, lacked love and affection (her words) yet I think she's there for stability, normality and fear of leaving.

Both fell hard...very hard. I found it easy to compartmentalise, she didnt so would excessively blow hot and cold. She'd regularly end it only to come back days/weeks later. I believe she'll be back one day because of past behaviours but not knowing this drives me insane. I cant shift her. She's always on my mind, I repeat conversations, memories its sooo hard and now I cant seem to compartmentalise the "breakup". She seems strong as obviously has a focus and a chance to rebuild but I'm pining and hoping, stupidly.

My wife is amazing and ive tainted everything and trying to turn my head back now is difficult. I've definitely got rose tinted lasses on which I cant seem to take off as I'm not strong enough yet. I miss my AP terribly.

@lostthewill80 hi, would you mind if I PM’d you?

@Cupcakesaregood yes of course

@Lostthewill80 by compartmentalise do you mean you could just get on with your life as normal and then see her as an added extra? Would you have been happy to continue doing that?
Sounds similar to me and my AP in that I constantly felt emotional pain l/the need to be close to him and he could get on with his life and message me when it suited. I’ve ended it three times now (this time for good) as I can’t bear living like that

My husband had an affair and he experienced ‘the fog’ or addiction of his affair which is actually described by the term limerence. I, on the other hand, experienced betrayal trauma. While one side experiences a high, the other experiences a crash. ourrenewal.blogspot.com

@bizarrebehavior I think that trauma is very real.

I think I definitely experienced limmerance in the beginning. And he towards me.

Oh we thought we were different. We had a connection. We were going to make it work. He'd never met anyone like me before ...

Horseshit. And we were a pathetic pair when all's said and done.

@Fedup2020 yeah I could kind of switch between affair and normality but I still had AP at the forefront of my mind in everything I done I just didnt let it impact home live in the sense of I still had to keep the status quo at home to avoid any suspicions.
This reflects the buzz I think really, as when we were messaging, meeting etc everything was good and the brain chemicals were satisfied. Now its like withdrawal.

I wanted more, but I'd have continued with affair as I wanted her in my life and if this was my only way then I'd accept that.
I didn't message her when it suited me, or pick and chose when to contact her or pick her up when I wanted. I was too involved and viewed her more than an AP

Thanks @lostthewill80, I’m pretty certain my AP had a new interest, despite claiming otherwise and not wanting to end it.

@Lostthewill80 what were your reasons for not ending your relationship and perusing a relationship with your affair partner properly?

What am i reading ?

Grim, grim, grim.

Some self respect needed over here, stat!

I had an affair in 2015. It went in for 1.5 years on and off. I was Infatuated with him, I felt alive, I felt like a woman again! I was stuck in an unhappy marriage with 2 dc and he was about 8 years younger, a very good looking musician. We met spontaneously and I was so attracted to him. After the fun phase, it was never going to work as he was looking to meet a single person, someone without the burden of kids. I was too complicated for him. He wanted his own family understandably but it bloody hurt. My own fault I know but I don’t regret it. It took me a good 3-4 years to get over him, he would still occasionally contact me to see how I was and this didn’t do me any favours as it made me wonder if he was thinking about me. It was a complete head fuck! He met someone else shortly after it ended and it wasn’t til he had a baby with her and then went onto marry her that I decided to stop complete contact and that’s when I got over him! My advice to you is the only way to get over an affair is to STOP CONTACT now. Please anyone reading this do not make the same mistake as me as your life just becomes miserable!

I was AP a few years back. Went in for about two years and has been 3 since it ended. We still work together. We never flirt with each other anymore and if anything I go out of my way to show him my worse side when I can just to establish we’re just friends/ colleagues. However... I would never ever ever go anywhere he was that involved alcohol as I am pretty certain it would start back up. I don’t fancy him and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t fancy me now BUT there’s still something there. What that something is, is very hard to describe.
If my partner had an affair I would never let them keep the number or work in the same place.

@idontcare12 this is going to sound terrible but I was prepared to end my marriage for AP and would have done so in a heartbeat. I GENUINELY believe we're meant to be, very well suited together and fit together absolutely perfectly. I know this sounds a little "starstruck lovers" etc but have you ever met someone and just known they are the ying to your yang?? She felt exactly the same, apparently, and I believed her but she didnt have the courage to follow through at this moment in time. She needed to ensure it was totally unsalvagable with husband before making the jump. She'd buried her head for many years but then got pregnant (unplanned) and was more heartbroken about us than anything.

@thebridgelooksbroken yeah it is however dont ever think you're not susceptible to it. I NEVER thought I'd be here, then one day my world changed all because of a look from this one person. Ive had many women over the years flirt and come on to me, I'm considered a good looking guy, but I've never looked twice at anyone else and always gave very clear boundaries that I am/was happily married.

Just to add that we never got found out. I think they can be more dangerous people n terms of not letting go. I often see people on here saying their husband who has cheated “now hates AP” in my opinion that’s either a) a lie or b) AP has got really bitter and contacted the cheated on spouse.

Thinking about it now, maybe, if you really wanted your partner to stop caring for AP then talking to the AP would probably be the best way.
I would never have outed us. However I defy any AP to say that they were not bitter at certain times and had fantasied about it. Would I have liked to have gotten him in a little bit of trouble in the darknest of days? Yes. I probably would have spilled a little bit if confronted- then he would probably hate me now and I’d of left work long ago.

I just think it’s so easy these days. There’s a button on your phone to block and delete the number so why not do it unless you want to maintain contact

Or perhaps the option to contact if you want to?

I'm sorry, I beg to differ. There are many reasons for an affair, I agree. But to say anyone is susceptible is bollocks. Stop finding justifications. There's a lot of self pity on this thread, but no real remorse. Tragic.

Exactly @sosounhappy

You’re talking out of your ass @thebridgelooksbroken. Not a clue.

@thebridgelooksbroken this thread is for people who are going through something very difficult, but that is deeply frowned upon. It’s very very difficult to find a place to talk to others going through the same thing and in turn to heal. Your comments (although not completely inaccurate potentially) aren’t particularly kind on this thread.

@Lostthewill80 you're right, is does sound terrible, not because you were prepared to end your marriage but because you're prepared to stay in it. You only stayed with your wife because your AP didn't want to end her relationship. You're denying your wife the chance to be truly loved. She's never going to have that with you because you're still pining for the OW. The feeling you describe is lust. Which is known to be amplified when the other person is unavailable. I'm not being trying to be mean here, I honestly think some people on this thread need a reality check so they can recover.

I'll back away from this thread. Good luck to you and all the deceived partners.

@Lostthewill80 how did you both meet? Who started the affair? I'm infatuated with a married dad I know (I'm married too) and I think the feeling is mutual but neither of us have made a move and it doesn't look like anything will happen. I'm just wondering how you know if someone really likes you, will they always make the first move?
I'd consider myself to be attractive (from what I've been told) and never been that bothered about anyone else but since I met this guy 3 years ago I can't stop thinking about him. He also lives a few doors away so it's hard to not think about him as I see him around so much.

@idontcare12, totally agree. Seems really unfair on the innocent parties in all this. They seem like an afterthought in some of the posts. Life is full of temptations and potential alternative partners but you either show commitment or end the relationship so that the other person can find a partner that they deserve unless it's a polygamous relationship where both partners know the score.
Personally my conscience would be eating at me, not to mention the thought of the affect on my children.