Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

I'm struggling so much today. I do have one friend that knows so I do have someone to talk to about it occasionally but it's so easy just to stay stop contact.

It's like a physical pain at the moment.

It is a detox. Be kind to yourselves. You can do it! One day at a time...

I have no social media and am reading books. Really enjoying it!

Those of you who are/were the OW and are now in NC/cut off contact.. has the MM blocked/deleted number/whatever term of contact method aswell?

No idea what he has done. To be honest I tried to end it a number of times and he talked me round. Just texted hey thanks and goodbye

@Cupcakesaregood don’t know and don’t care. It’s not about them. It’s about me and my own recovery. I don’t want him in my life and I’m blocking him. If I take a guess I’d think no he hasn’t blocked me as he wanted it to continue and to him I was an amusement from his otherwise boring life (despite telling me I was so much more 🙄)

@fedup2020 yes I’m inclined to agree it is about you and recovery. I also believe that if someone wants something to be truely over, blocking is the only way to go

@idontcare12 I’m glad you appear to know me better than I know myself. Thank you for that! I don’t care for his wife no, but if she got unwell as a result of my actions that yes I absolutely would feel awful because despite what you think I’m not a nasty person!
I’m also glad you appear to know him better than I do

@Cupcakesaregood I agree. I really wish you well on your journey. How are you feeling today?

@ginandcv It sounds very much to where I am heading to, had a six month affair for no major reason as my husband is a great man.

I have now realised how stupid I was for risking everything in my life for something which was never meant to be. I have only recently gone NC and it has been hard but I feel so peaceful and better about myself. It is also amazing not having to lie or have to carry my phone everywhere for fear my DH will see any messages.

Like you I decided not to confess and this will cause unnecessary pain, I will have to live with guilt and disgust towards myself for doing such a selfish thing.

Hi @Fedup2020 thank you for asking :) not great. I couldn’t sleep and I’m trying to be rational, I’m having the convo with him tonight I’ve just been trying to get all my thoughts on paper. The OW wouldn’t be on his phone if he didn’t care in some way I’m just trying to figure out what to do/say. I’m carrying his child. But all I keep thinking is it’s a button on his phone. All he needs to do is press it and she would be gone and he hasn’t done it. And thank you for your honesty, I need honesty right now x

Good luck cupcakes xx

@sosounhappy thank you, hope you’re ok

@cupcakesaregood likewise I thank you for being so kind. You are going through something so tough. Please feel free to DM me if you need any kind of support.

Humans are complex. Despite blocking my ap, not wanting him in my life, realising he’s an arse, I still care because of the way he made me FEEL. Now, I never met mine AP in the flesh. It was all online/video calls and my husband knew what I was doing (just not the emotional bit), but that doesn’t excuse the fact that I got myself in far too deep. I also think it is perfectly possible to love/have strong feelings for two people. I’m not in anyway excusing your partner, but I am sure he still loves you despite behaving like a dick. The power therefore is very much in your hands

Thanks @fedup2020 - I understand what you’re saying and maybe this is me being naïve but all he had to do was block her.. That’s it and he didn’t do it, well he did but she’s unblocked now. And say they aren’t speaking, why else would he have her on his phone? I’ve been trying to think of why (before I ask him) and the only thing I can think of is because he still has feelings for her? Or a backburner?

Cupcakes- be prepared for an answer that won’t give you a proper explanation.

I will bet money he will come up with an excuse.

It is like a drug the highs when you get a message. The thought that he was thinking of me. I never messaged first. He was in control. He arranged all the meetings. Was it good well it made me feel better for a little while and then horrible. I am single he risked his marriage and had small children. Why I don't know he said his marriage was sexless. Who knows. Perhaps he liked the thrill of the deceit. Sure he is back on dating websites looking for my replacement and couldn't careless about me I served my use

@Loubylou9162 although I don't know you or your AP, your actions alone say a lot about you both. If he was strong enough to leave his wife, he would have done. He's not, he's weak (either that or he just doesn't want to). When you're caught up in the 'fantasy' of an affair, it's easy to say you'd leave your husband/wife for the affair partner, but in reality, when the shit hits the fan, it's very rare that that happens. Cheats usually start back peddling and realise what they're about to lose and suddenly the affair partner doesn't have the same appeal now they're no longer a secret. You say you're not a nasty person but your actions ARE nasty. You have to be lacking empathy to do what your are doing.

Me and ap never once spoke about leaving our partners/families. Is this unusual?

We can't say we are kind people. The whole nature of an affair and being able to carry on with normal life at the same time shows we are selfish and deceitful.

I found it surprisingly easy to compartmentalise.

Can I join this thread? I feel absolutely awful, guilty and ashamed, and full of emotional pain. I'm partnered (not married, no kids and it hasn't been working for some time.. not that it matters) he is single. We work together and something evolved a couple of months ago. Due to lockdown I can't actually see him outside of work, which is a good thing because if we were able to see each other I think it would end in sex.

We have been having 'what's app sex' ugh. I need this to stop. I feel like the world's worst person, there are no excuses.

I can relate to the fear of my partner picking up my phone. Mortifying.

After work yesterday I realised I wouldn't see him until Wednesday. My whole body hurt. I think the tide is turning and my feelings for him are more that what his are for me.

I think I need to use these next few days to really try to tear myself away from what's app. It hurts so much, all of it. I feel so lonely.

@TwoCatsSleeping Why don't you just end your relationship?**@TwoCatsSleeping Why don't you just end your relationship?

@TwoCatsSleepingif you truely want this to end, send him a message and then block and delete the number? Does he know you want it to end?

@Cupcakesaregood I don't want it to end but I feel it needs to end for the sake of my mental health. I also feel that he's pulling back from the flirty chat which I admire him for but this also makes me feel horrible for still wanting that sort of chat. I've felt very low due to this pandemic anyway but with this on top I feel.. just so low. Dark thoughts sometimes. He's not too sympathetic regarding my mental health (this guy or indeed my partner). Feel like my life is a mess.

I'm not in any way strong enough to block him.
I'd still have to see him at work..

@TwoCatsSleeping you are strong enough. You have to be. Is it your work number? If not, there’s no need for him to have it anyway so just block/delete him. Don’t wait until you’re metaphorically on your knees before you end it.

So you don't necessarily want a relationship with the AP? Or you don't think he would want a proper relationship with you? Either way this is making you ill. You're giving him the power to make you feel like shit