Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

I am probably not going to be very helpful here as I have failed on my attempt to break contact with AP, I have acknowledge now that as far as I am feeling how I do at the moment I won't be able to leave him.

So perhaps I can offer some advise about the things you shouldn't do...
My longest attempt to go NC lasted 24 days, the first week was the most difficult, feeling sad and depressed, but every day that passed I felt slightly better, my mistake was not to block him as he messaged me about once a week, I didn't reply for the first two weeks but slowly started to feel the need to write so if you do want to go NC the best is to block and delete their number.

I also kept some pictures of him and screenshot of conversations where he expressed his feelings for me, this fed that need to write back so I would say better to delete them all.

We work for the same company so for me was a constant torture to have to see his picture icon on emails or office chat. If you do work for the same company lock down should help but also avoiding things like checking his calendar (I did every now and then) should help a bit.

Thats the problem I have. I have pictures of him on my phone and screen shots of him telling me he was falling for me. Today is hard

I got rid of all of that as soon as we spilt. All little gifts, reminders etc. All gone.

Sorry to hear you are having a hard day @thecatsarecrazy I know how it feels, if this is what you really want it might be better to delete those images as hard as it might seem. I know I kept them as I was hoping we will come back to be together and here I am.

Thank you User2596 for your useful advice.

What concerns me is that, like you, in the past, I've managed to remain NC for over three weeks. I agree with you; the first week is harder and then I managed to learn to live with the odd moments of loss and sadness as the weeks went by. I too, broke NC because I finally felt compelled to respond to his regular messages.

I have no photos of him nor is he on Facebook.

Fortunately I stopped working with him last September and managed to not see him for 3 months after that.

As far as I'm concerned every time I see him the 'magic' is still there. I am also bored with the rigidity of his life and the crumbs he offers. So, it makes sense, however tough, to go NC instead of repeating this never ending cycle of stepping off and stepping back on the merry go round which ends up being not so merry.

Whilst I agree that I need to work on my self confidence I do also believe that if I stuck it out for so long (over 2 years) it's because we got on so well. There was a lot of mutual encouragement in our respective lives, both in positive and negative situations.

Dusty - I agree with you, the more you go on the harder is to break things, the cycle is the most horrendous thing so tiring and painful.

What I have learned is that if you do really want to cut contact you should be able to do so, even though I tried hard I was lying to myself thinking that I wanted to end things. The reason I didn't block him or deleted his photos was because I still wanted to have him in my life and that led to going back.

As for me I am unsure of where things are going to end, I am taking things day by day trying not to over think the situation.

Falling in love isn't something that just happens. You choose to get close to someone and cross that line and it's really unfair to do that when you are married. It would be ridiculous to think that being married stops you from feeling attracted to other people but the whole point in getting married is that you commit to not follow up on those attractions.
I honestly don't get the appeal of an AP who can be so basically dishonest and unkind to their spouse.
I don't think it's possible for every moment of a marriage to be exciting - not if you have to deal with kids and money and whose turn it is to empty the cat litter tray. So I honestly do see the appeal of a relationship that is exciting and reminds you of being young and everything being new again. But it's so selfish to pursue that and take all your emotional energy out of your marriage. Actively deceiving someone you promised to care for forever is such a mean trait. I don't buy for one minute that affairs are a symptom of the marriage being problematic. Sure, sometimes there are real issues but mostly I think it's just the thrill of the new and a person putting themselves first and disregarding their spouse and children's happiness and stability.
People do know when they are being cheated on, even when the cheater thinks they are being really clever and careful.
If you don't want to be faithful then don't get married. Or tell your spouse the truth so they can find someone who deserves them.

@thecatsarecrazy Stop being your own worst enemy. Delete photos, don’t look at social media, bin presents. You must behave as if he never existed. Look up brain chemistry as all you’re doing is feeding your addiction. Start taking responsibility for your own actions and mental health

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I'm not sure if you've read all the posts but yes you're right in some respects.

I can speak for myself when I say I know what I did was wrong. I made stupid decisions. I was never in a bad marriage etc. Nobody is to blame but myself.

I have been really very low at times though and this thread has been enormously helpful at supporting me to move on.

I have often encouraged him to talk to his wife, rekindle their connection since he seems adamant to stay with her surely they deserve to be happy.

I do wish they would sort something out though to be happier.

@dustymuse I think you need to have some therapy or at least some painful self reflection in order to understand how you think the above statements are positive when they are about a man you've been having an affair with and continue to speak to. You cannot assume the role of mistress and also of remote couples counsellor.

If you felt so strongly you wanted him to be a better husband / for them to have a better relationship then you wouldn't be shagging him or continuing to speak to him during lockdown and discussing what might happen afterwards.

I know that isn't nice to hear but you're trying to be a "goodie" in the story by minimising your bad behaviour. Good people do bad things. You're doing a bad thing. You need to own that. It doesn't mean you're an awful person but you have been doing an awful thing and are not actively making the choice to stop it.

I think your need to not be the "baddie" as evident in those statements (which from the outside sound ridiculous coming from the person he's had / is having the affair with) is worth exploring.

Thank you very much for taking the time to give me your opinion and advice BackseatCookers.

how can you sleep at night knowing what you’re doing cheating with another woman’s boyfriend or husband. it’s absolutely sickening. where is your self respect, you’re respect for other people.

people are shits.

most of you are deluded!

@Sugartitss make you feel better that little diatribe did it?

Well I felt better looking at all the spelling mistakes

It's really helpful advice!

ginandcv

Unfortunately this strategy of shaming people for morally deviant behaviour is not particularly effective in this case - otherwise all would be 'cured' within minutes of posting on MN.
This has been likened to an addiction. Telling an alcoholic that they should be ashamed of themselves isn't going to make them sober.

Instead of shaming, I think some tough talk and practical advice does help.

It's been a while since I've wrote but I've watched from afar.

Still feeling down tbh about it all, however I have noticed I'm unblocked on social media and she keeps checking me out which makes it horrifically confusing for absolutely no reason all as I shouldn't care but the reality is I do and I just wish she'd say hello even though realistically it's pointless. Can I please have a female perspective on why she'd do that?? Its been 3 month now?

However I'm doing ok generally, I'm a key worker so I'm kept busyish but I think of her all day long. Home life is difficult at times and my marriage is still not great and whilst I do blame myself because I feel the gaps are because of me, it's a 2 way street which I've raised countless times to no avail.

Still playing the waiting game.
Its awful.
How people can do this all the time is beyond me

its not an addiction, it’s a choice.

We know

@Lostthewill80 she’s probably curious as to what you’re up to. If you’re trying to end it you should block her

How do you know she's looked at your stuff?

@Sugartitss we get the message, if you don't have anything supportive or helpful to say maybe just give this thread a swerve.

@Lostthewill80 maybe she's checking to see if you've blocked her? All I can say is just keep her deleted or blocked. I've wasted so many hours looking at AP's WhatsApp, watching him click on and off line willing him to start typing to me. I deleted in the end and feel so much better for it as it's a really unhealthy way to be .

it’s also fucking disgraceful, but you know this to and you’re a mug, this you also know.
if they wanted to be with you but they don’t
you know this too

here is some helpful advice. stop shagging men that are attached and contributing to destroying families. if you can’t think of their partners, then think of their children, they are totally innocent.

Advice would be welcome from those of you who have experience of infidelity please.

How can I best support someone who is cheating and seems like a different person at the moment? I’m finding it really hard to maintain a friendship with this person but equally feel I cannot just leave them to mess up theirs, and others, lives in a downward spiral.

Have sent articles, all the stuff about brain fog and addiction etc., have got cross and been bad cop, talked to them about realities of divorce and separation/shared custody. I have encouraged them to seek counselling.

Ultimately I know it’s their choice but I’m finding it really hard as I have been friends with this person for a long, long time and they are not behaving like themself. I’ve done a lot of reading so understand more about the psychological and behavioural changes in someone who is cheating but I’m finding it so hard to get them to see the actual situation. It feels hopeless and very depressing. I’m losing my best friend to someone they have known less than six months. I don’t recognise them any more. Feel in a rock and a hard place.

Any thoughts?