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Original poster

Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

997 replies

bloomingdalelovely · 07/04/2020 18:41

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

OP posts:
BlueHairBlues · 10/05/2020 19:37

@ginandcv onwards and upwards Smile

therecanbenoexcuse · 10/05/2020 19:40

Oh @ginsndcv that must one of those weird things that hurts so much but feels like a relief. Go give your family a big hug, and feel glad that a disaster has been averted.

ginandcv · 10/05/2020 20:07

Thanks all.

I am VERY lucky.

ginandcv · 11/05/2020 08:51

Everyone ready for the week ahead?

I've downloaded a few more books. CBT, relationship and self esteem type stuff.

I'm feeling relief I know he's moved on (together with feeling hurt). But it removes any need to think about contact.

I'm free Smile

Dozycuntlaters · 11/05/2020 09:03

@ginandcv yes you are free, that's a very good way of looking at it. I'm trying to look at it the same way but fucked up as it was it became normality for me. It's so hard but we'll be ok! Chin up Daffodil

DustyMuse · 11/05/2020 09:20

May I join in? I'm single, early fifties and have had an emotional and physical relationship with a man a decade older who I met at work late 2016. Yes, we have a very strong connection and can talk for ages (and the physical side of things has been incredible) and I think we are complementary. He is steady (afraid of change) and strong whilst I'm creative and relatively free-thinking. If I'm honest I caved into his advances end of 2017 two months after my wonderful father passed away. I am certain in some respects I find some of my father's characteristics in this man. Esther Perel, the relationship specialist, stated that affairs often happen after some form of grief which just shows how much my relationship with a married man is a cliché, sadly.

I have pushed him away, sometimes for months at a time, but I fell back into things because we gave each other joy and also, as a busy working mother of three, I kidded myself this type of relationship was all I had time for and met my needs, mostly.

During lockdown here in France I kept him away. He was persistant that he wanted us to see each other (he is a key worker so free to travel around) but he respected my strong need to respect lockdown rules. Today we are starting the end of lockdown and I could see him at the end of the week when my children go to their father's for the first time in two months. But I don't want to. I really want to use this time apart to keep growing apart, to start believing that I deserve more, that I deserve a man who doesn't want to keep me a secret.

To be fair I do understand that he's terrified of losing his family (his children are all adults) and the approbation of those around him were he to divorce. Not because I would be the same but because of his nature and lifestyle. I have often encouraged him to talk to his wife, rekindle their connection since he seems adamant to stay with her surely they deserve to be happy. I truly believe he cares deeply for me but I don't respect him for the way he conducts his life and more importantly I want to respect myself by cutting him out of my life.

Dozycuntlaters · 11/05/2020 09:36

@DustyMuse your AP sounds exactly like mine. Scared because he doesn't want to lose his relationship with his adult sons, his friends etc etc. We used to joke and say we weren't a cliche but looking back that's exactly what we were. I held on over 5 years, such a waste.

Try to resist if you can, if he hasn't left yet he's not going to. Statistically most men jn affairs leave within 4 months then the chances drop. My AP gave me hope after hope but really I was a fool.
Don't waste anymore years on him, please!

affor · 11/05/2020 09:57

@Dozycuntlaters where is that statistic from please?

DustyMuse · 11/05/2020 09:59

Thank you so much Dozycuntlaters. I appreciate your honest and encouraging response. It's exactly what I need to hear.

We've just had two consecutive May bank holidays in France and, despite him calling and texting me, I felt understandable frustration that I couldn't spend some time with him as I would in a 'normal' relationship. I expressed that frustration to him yesterday; told him I was getting bored with the set up. He always expressed heightened fear at the thought of losing me but never will he use that fear to propel himself into changing his life around.

Isn't it interesting how we can be lucid about the implications of a relationship with a MM and yet we allow ourselves to get sucked back into the 'connection' we feel with them.

I think what worries me is being strong for weeks on end but responding to his contact after a certain length of time because I feel the need to be close to someone again. Pathetic, I know.

Dozycuntlaters · 11/05/2020 10:03

@affor I can't remember, I read it somewhere in the early days and it stuck with me. We had a night in a hotel 5 years ago, my baby sitter has since had 3 children since .... kinda says it all.

@DustyMuse not pathetic at all. But you're right , it will never be what you want it to be. And he'll pull you back in every time he senses you distancing so be strong. The only way for these things to end is NC. We tried the being friends route but it never worked, it always drifted back to the way it was.

DustyMuse · 11/05/2020 10:11

I agree wholeheartedly with you Dozycuntlaters. We tried being friends too. NC is the only way to distance oneself emotionally.

Thank you!

One of many things which irks me greatly is that he has a wife who takes care of his daily needs (cooking, etc.), a "work wife" who knows him like the back of her hand and listens to his moaning and supports him as best she may at work. AND he wants a mistress too? I have neither husband or "work husband" and yet I survive pretty well most days doing stuff on my own.

thecatsarecrazy · 11/05/2020 10:22

Feeling really sad today.
I still think about him all the time even though its been 3 weeks since he just stopped talking. He said Im crazy about you, then vanishes. I keep wondering if he will be going back to work soon hes a delivery driver. So fed up. Tired and tearful.

Dozycuntlaters · 11/05/2020 10:22

@DustyMuse the only reason my affair stopped was because he's had to retire. As long as we were both working.... had to deal with each other through work.... it never would have stopped. I guess he doesn't need be anymore to fill in his working days.

DustyMuse · 11/05/2020 10:53

DozyCuntlaters, how long ago did things end for you? How are you now?

I think what makes it tough to stop completely in my situation is that he'll NEVER end things with me (unless his wife finds out, I suppose, although he's often stated he would not be able to cut contact with me even then Hmm ).

We were talking about his retirement and he stated again that he was pushing the date as far as possible into the hazy future as he'd always hated the idea of retirement because he'd be stuck at home with no independence.

Please don't be shocked but I have thought about informing his wife anonymously simply because I know it would be a sure fire way of our relationship ending and, maybe, it would give them a chance of drawing closer again. I'm pretty sure I won't ever do it though. But that means I have to rely on my willpower to get through this.

Of course, at my age, there's no guarantee that I will meet someone special in the future. I AM happy alone in many ways but it's a little grim to think that I'm cutting off any chance of intimacy.

Of course, in exchange, I win freedom of mind and a guilt free conscience.

DustyMuse · 11/05/2020 11:00

thecatsarecrazy, some days can be really tough especially when we face challenges in our own lives and are feeling insecure. I hope something lifts you very soon. It's tough to deal with silence (my big weakness) but don't read rejection into it on his part. Just think that every day you draw away from this unhealthy relationship the stronger you will feel.

Dozycuntlaters · 11/05/2020 12:03

@DustyMuse.....only recently ended and in all honesty because he's the one who called it off. Will be 3 weeks this wednesday. His wife caught us out 8 times during the time we were "together" but he's retired now (almost) so no way to keep in touch now so there's no point anymore. He used to say once he retired he felt it would push him into a corner to leave as he didn't want to be stuck with her 24/7 but guess that was all bullshit like everything else he said.

I'm ok thank you, sad but ok. Is for the best.

Dozycuntlaters · 11/05/2020 12:10

Please don't be shocked but I have thought about informing his wife anonymously simply because I know it would be a sure fire way of our relationship ending and, maybe, it would give them a chance of drawing closer again. I'm pretty sure I won't ever do it though. But that means I have to rely on my willpower to get through this*

I'm not shocked but please don't. To do it anonomysously would be a bit savage and to only do it so the relationship ends would be callous. If you want to relationship to end, then end it. I never wanted mine to but even so I would never have dreamt about contacting the wife. I have 5 years worth of emails that could rip his world apart, but I would never use them.

My AP never wanted to retire either, his company has folded so he's had no choice.

You WILL meet someone if you want to. Someone who can give you their all, not chuck you the odd crumb when it suits his schedule.

Sugarpea123 · 11/05/2020 12:18

If you went into it knowingly, you deserve what you get.

DustyMuse · 11/05/2020 12:21

Dozycuntlaters, indeed I would never send her a message simply because it's none of my business what happens in their relationship and it's their responsibility. I do wish they would sort something out though to be happier.

Your messages are so kind and positive. I'm grateful.

Whilst I think it's good to encourage one another from afar to stay away from our affair partners I also think it's good to spend as little time as possible thinking and talking about them as it just feeds our emotions further.

Do you agree with that?

Dozycuntlaters · 11/05/2020 12:30

Sugar this is a thread for support and not the place to share your view on whether it's right or wrong. There are plenty of other threads to whip us with, please don't do it on this one.

Yes I do agree but also, it is nice to share experiences as we can help each other stay strong. I don't talk about him at all to my friends as they must be bored to tears about it all, so it's good to vent somewhere.

DustyMuse · 11/05/2020 12:36

Then, I'm here, along with the rest of the posters, if you need to share, Dozycuntlaters. It does help.

Dozycuntlaters · 11/05/2020 12:42

Thanks lovely, you too. Anytime you need to talk please feel free either on here or via messageFlowers

PeanutDouglas · 11/05/2020 13:44

Can I strongly suggest that if you talk about your affairs you talk about how you’re going to work on your self esteem and move forward and you don’t spend time trying to pick your way through why your APs have behaved the way they have. The former is useful, the latter really isn’t

DustyMuse · 11/05/2020 13:48

I absolutely agree with you@PeanutDouglas.

Good advice.

ginandcv · 11/05/2020 14:21

Totally agree. I'm lucky in that I have some brilliant friends but it's a lonely place to be all the same.

One of the books I've started is 'it's called a breakup because it's broken'.

I like it so far.