Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

@affor I really urge you to stop ignoring the advice on this thread. No contact is the ONLY way you’re going to get through this. Seeing him will make everything worse. Fgs , his wife is pregnant. Do the decent thing for her and do the sensible thing for your own self esteem.

What have people got planned for the weekend?

I am keeping busy.

It's really helped doing some CBT and a reality check on myself when my mind is in overdrive.

I have animals to deal with and will be at work tomorrow so I'm ok.

It's been 3 weeks now since I heard from him. I have good days where I think he's no loss, he is attractive but has an ugly personally, he's no loss. He has form for vanishing for weeks I thought I was a mug but it seems to be a common theme. He comes back and I'm hooked again. Yesterday was tough. I was tired and kept looking at my phone hoping he would message. My dh is really pissing me off and that's not helping

@ginandcv putting effort in being present with my family, being a good wife and mother rather than daydreaming

I caved. I have been talking to him again

But since then it's been slowly dawning on me it's never going to work never going to be worth risking so much for and causing hurt and pain to so many. It's such a hard habit to break talking every day. It's such a buzz when we message and flirt. But it's so wrong. I need to stop it

Almost 3 weeks since I spoke to AP and
God I miss him. I also hate him though and more than anything I'm sad by how I've let myself be treated and how worthless I feel at being so disposable, I feel completely rejected and abandoned, and I would never have treated him like that. I hope he feels as shit as I do and I hope his wife is making his life a misery as it's no more than he deserves. Am determined this is it though, he's shown his true colours now and I have no room in my life for a cowardly weak man, he made his bed as did I, let him lay in it!

Hi ladies,

Hoping I can join in.
I am feeling so heart broken at the moment. I started having an emotional affair with a guy who promised me the world and guess what he never followed through. I always had a gut feeling he wouldn't l, but gave him the benefit of the doubt 😞 I feel like he has completely broken my heart. I feel like such an idiot for trusting him too 😏😏 I guess karma is a thing.

@changemynamechangemynamewhen that's what I miss, the talking every day. It's gone from talking pretty much every day to nothing. So difficult .

Part of the reason it’s so addictive is they feed you bits of pleasure, take it away and so you’re desperately trying to get back what you had. Many men like the chase. Once they’ve got you they lose interest and will just keep you around to make them feel good. It’s really as basic and as simple as that. Play them at their own game and get rid.

Hmmm my affair isn't like that, it's not about him trying to keep me hooked. He's been very clear that I'm keeping us marriage bearable, and that itself is an issue.

But we have been at this a fair while

@YommyMommy I’m in an emotional affair of sorts. I’m single, he isn’t, he has a partner. I feel like he’s dangling a carrot and that’s what keeps me hoping. It pisses me off

PeanutDouglas has got it spot on.

I can see it now, where I was blind to it before.
After a recent break from each other; he reached out, acting all charming, like he cared. The clever little comments, (always looking after me, always has a minute for me, etc) the lingering eye contact was back. But he always leaves me disappointed, because the next time he will take it all back.

It's painful, because most recently I have allowed myself to be my most vulnerable to him, by opening up about my battle with depression. The biggest skeleton in my closet. Believing I owed him this, due to my irrational behaviour over recent months. He was amazing at the time, but now; not so much.
I feel like he has something over me now, and get even more disappointed in his hot and cold behaviour, knowing just how mentally vulnerable I am.

But there you go.

Trying to take my own advice today.

I really miss AP. So tempted to get in touch. Have done all my usual distraction techniques.

Yesterday I was very mindful of how happy my children are. They are thriving right now. Even with lockdown.

Anything I do wrt AP will make them unhappier without a doubt.

I might be happy for a short time but it wouldn't last. It's just the dizzying limmerant love I keep thinking about. Pathetic.

Anything I do wrt AP will make them unhappier without a doubt.

Surely this is enough to stop you?

When you go to message him, imagine your kids happiness level plummeting as a result of whatever chain of events that would set off.

They don't even like him, your kids I mean. Even they can see what a nob he is.

My relationship with my husband is really good. But I feel awful about what I did. He didn't deserve it. He did nothing wrong. I think about the consequences of it was discovered or I confessed.

Imagine his face if / when he finds out. A man who deeply loves you and has had done absolutely nothing wrong, has been by your side supportive and kind for the duration of your relationship.

Sorry I know it sounds mean probably but I guess I'm trying to help.

Surely when you go to message this man, picturing your partners face finding out what's happened is enough to stop you?

@BackseatCookers yep. It does help. That's the reasons I haven't cracked.
Although I don't want to start things up again I just want to know how he is.

No good will come of it though.

Although I don't want to start things up again I just want to know how he is.

Surely you're lying to yourself about that? You want to reestablish contact at the expense of it being the right or healthy thing to do, it's driven by wanting to reopen communication and anything else is a bit of an excuse IMO.

Knowing how he is shouldn't be more important than knowing your children are happy and that you are treating your partner with love and respect because it sounds like he gives and shows you plenty of both.

I feel so sad for him that you could be having a nice day and while he was off getting you flowers you were pining after AP.

It must be hard to see it from outside the bubble of the affair but you want to be a better person than someone who does that.

I really hope you can resist speaking to him, it's clear that if he replied saying "I'm ok but I really miss you" then you would say "I miss you too" etc and hey presto it's all happening again.

You are absolutely right.

I am doing the right thing by not contacting. Tbf I don't think he'd say he missed me. It'd be nothing of any real consequence which is why I'll resist.

I have read books, listened to podcasts etc.

I need this.

I need that voice of reason so I appreciate it.

I don't like this side of me. Horrible.

Just found out AP is seeing someone now. Joys of social media. So no. Definitely won't be making any kind of contact.

@ginandcv this is actually the best news for you I think.

You were still scratching that itch by looking at his social media @ginandcv rather than messaging.

Which means you are still getting as much of a fix as you think you can get away with. You're still giving him as much headspace by looking and thinking about him than you would be if you were messaging him. So it's time to cut everything. Block and stop looking.

He's just proven he didn't ever feel much at all, so he's done you a favour in a way. Focus on the people who deserve your headspace.

Good advice. Thankyou.

@ginandcv sorry to hear your update. At least now you can move on

I'm trying not to give mine any headspace, which is tricky in lockdown but ho hum

@BlueHairBlues nope it's the best news I could have had.
I have no reason to be in contact. He's moved on. That is a good thing.

I need to stop being so stupid and get back to real life.