Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

@DisneyMillie wow. Thankyou.

How did you find out?

@DisneyMillie I agree. There is a huge swathe of opinion on Mumsnet that demands you must come clean with your OH, plead forgiveness (then go and rot in purgatory forever).

@ginandcv I don't believe it's true...I think everyone is different, and only you know your own husband and how he would respond. It would be dropping a huge burden on him, and one that you can never, ever remove. If it wouldn't be the end of your relationship....then why cause that pain.

@ginandcv I found out as he didn’t realise messages / photos automatically back up on MacBooks from iPhones so had never deleted them. I was looking for something else 3 years later (lost photos) and found everything. It was a horrible shock.

But life isn’t black and white and good people can do awful things - the key is to understand why you did it - these things are often complicated - my dh and I were very happy (planning our wedding with a newborn in fact) but it was a time of stress /lack of control in his life and he tends to distract himself in these situations (normally in healthier ways thankfully) - but it took counselling to get to this why - he struggled with the why himself at first.

Ensure you really want to move on and make it work.

Thankyou @DisneyMillie what a horrible experience.

The only way I can describe it was like a drug addict. I knew it was wrong. I knew it was harmful. I just got embroiled.

I recognise that initial friends blurring of boundaries though. Apart from that I have nothing.

My dh said the same - he got addicted to the thrill / risk even though he didn’t even particularly like her let alone want to leave me for her. (And I believe that - I’ve seen messages that gave that impression)

But there was something that made him open to that - as there will be for you in all likelihood - the stress etc and how he deals (or doesn’t) with it for him - and that’s what a good counsellor helped with seeing. It all made more sense after (a lot of) counselling.

We didn’t find marriage counselling helpful but instead went separately to someone who did more of an emotional skills analysis of us each / got to the bottom of what made us tick as people. I think it can be helpful in understanding yourself - he didn’t recognise that need for control in himself / running away from stress - until afterwards (although it was obvious to me in retrospect)

I never enjoyed the secrecy. It wasn't a thrill. But it wasn't real life.

It was just the best bits of a new relationship.

I also didn't want to go to marriage guidance as DH did nothing wrong. He didn't need to change anything.

He pulls his weight, works hard. No bad side to him. He doesn't need to change. He played no part in my mistake.

Thank you for sharing @ginandcv - I think your remorse comes through and yours is a sad story.
I have to confess if I were your DH I’d need to know the truth about my life - and I’d be certain that if I’d been cuckholded by my wife she would never see me the with the same eyes. But then anyone can understand why - the feelings of the first flush of romance and desire are completely addictive! In fact I can’t deny that the reason I would not be unfaithful is that it would spoil my sense of pride in my marriage and family - not that I wouldn’t be tempted but that it would affect my self esteem - and everything would be fake afterwards, I don’t know?
I’ve always thought that once there has been infidelity the only way forward is to end the marriage-and start again, either with the same partner or someone new.
Can you still feel respect for your DH if you’re so sure he would not stay if he knew? Is that maybe the reason you allowed your self an affair? Genuine question.

BlueHairBlues You are fortunate (in a way), that you are able to approach him and be honest about how the situation makes you feel.

I've tried, but it's extremely hard to do so without outright confessing my feelings. Though at times being sure he does feel something for me, I can't for all the times I doubt that. We very much 'skirt' around it, without saying the obvious.

I think things change over time. And yes I do believe you can love more than one person at a time, because the love is different.
It doesn't deter him from having feelings for you. He may feel stronger about you, than his wife or vice versa.

Interesting.

I respect him more for supporting me through this horrible thing I've done.

I really do love him, and the family we have.

If I thought it could improve with a confession I'd do it.

But I think DH would be insulted that there was something lacking in him. It would make him feel worse about himself (needlessly as nothing was ever lacking)

In my head I have started a 2nd chapter. Not hysterical bonding but a deep trustworthy love.

I have no secrets. He knows my passwords.

He's always been brilliant (not a walkover) but makes my morning tea/ de-ices the car etc. I've stepped up by being more present and mindful.

We've always got on well and had a shared sense of humour so I've made time for stuff that engages us - even through lock down. Funny videos on you tube etc.

But not just the 'actions' but the conversation and shared future plans. It's all there.

If I confessed I know I'd be giving him a burden because the 'right' thing to do is split but that is unlikely to be the best thing.

Working through it would be all very well but I feel it's my job to do that. Not his. He doesn't need to change a thing.

Genuine question as I can't imagine the pressure @ginandcv - do you have a constant stab of anxiety thinking he might somehow find out? I think I would just feel that gutpunch panic feeling of doom so often if I had done something that would tear up my partners world. I can't imagine living with it without them knowing as it's such a heavy secret.

Yes and no.

I think if it was going to come out it would have already.

I worried about this a lot in the early days as AP was upset and volatile.

If it does come out I will confess. I won't lie and deny anything.

But he will know that when it ended I started meds, went for counselling and changed routines in a bid to move on.

How is everyone doing ?

I'm fine as long as I'm busy. I'm working hard at the moment so it's a bit easier.

I am terrible for overthinking

I'm not doing to well today.

What's happening @BlueHairBlues

@BlueHairBlues - yes I'm having an off day today too - nothing has happened, just feeling low from the loss/absence of someone from my life [we were good friends before the boundaries were blurred so have lost a friendship too]. Problem is the low mood could be due to a number of reasons, current situation, work, kids etc but it's easy to fixate on this as it's such a glaring issue.

I'm feeling sad about the whole situation really. I just wish we could be together

What would life look like if you were together? Think about Xmas. What would that be like?

For me it would be tricky. My family love my DH. They would accept AP because they love me but it would be awkward.

AP would have a drama with his family. They're a bit err eastenders?

My DC would miss their step dad dreadfully. The gifts would be wrong too. My DH really knows the kids. He also cooks a brilliant Xmas dinner.

It would be horrid. Tense and awful trying to patch together a web of lies and shame about what I'd done to everyone.

AP would be too full on and get on my tits. We'd want to watch different things on TV etc.

Oh and it'd be very unlikely my pets feature in the story. I can't bear thinking what would happen to them.

I've been off thread for the while trying to come to terms with what I'm doing, as I haven't needed it like I should.

Those of you who've been on here a while know what a mess I'm in. I love him, his wife is pregnant, and until a week ago he was my boss. I've resolved one of those now but because I've been so busy in my new job this week and not free whenever he can sneak away to talk, we've spoken less.

I'm thinking of going home this weekend and seeing him (I know I shouldn't). But part of me worries that being able to see me will make him panic and end it. Or that having seen me will remove the longing and it will end.

I know logically that if either of those things are true then it's not worth it anyway. But a week ago he was telling me he's falling in love with me, and now I feel like he's pulled back slightly. It's all making me sad but I don't know how much or how to communicate this to him

*ended it like I should

@affor that sounds like a pretty complicated situation. I'm guessing he's not thinking of leaving the marriage if his wife is pregnant or has he made promises like that? I really wouldn't chase him if he's pulling back - I don't think it will have the effect you're hoping for. This is why these things are so addictive - the constant guessing game of does he still love me or not. Because this person isn't yours and you have no claim to them and there's no label on that relationship makes you feel constantly insecure. Doesn't do any good for your self esteem.

I’ve been away from this thread for a while. I’ve spent lots of time thinking and have finally gone NC with AP. It’s horrible, I miss him terribly but I am determined. He’s having a hard time which makes me want to comfort him even more, it turns out his pregnant wife also had an affair and has confessed that she had sex with them both in the same weekend so can’t be 100% sure who the baby’s father is. I’ve known AP for around 16 years now and before the affair I’d have helped him through a tough then like that but we agreed no contact was the way option.
I’ve also told my dh everything, we’ve agreed to talk our problems over and try to make it work.

@affor sounds like it’s very complicated for you. I understand how the pregnancy thing makes you feel as the OW, it’s such a confusing time

That's a really good point actually. About losing a friend. That really bothers me.

Even when we broke up I remember feeling bereft that I was losing my mate. Awful.

@affor I don't know if you're still considering it but please don't see him. Aside from anything else you're increasing the exposure to everyone involved and that includes his pregnant wife. That can't be something you're ok with doing, surely you'd feel terrible about it afterwards.

Life is too short for this tbh. Lockdown isn’t helping the situation either for me.