Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

I've found any communication really sets you back a few steps - I've only had communication via group work chats for the past few months and no one-to-one chat but even then it's been hindering my progress. My aim is to get to a point where I'm indifferent and I reckon that would take around 6 months of complete NC. The enforced distance during lockdown means it's a good time to be doing this, though absolutely not easy. I've also had a difficult past few days, likely due to PMSing.

Hi all.

I've name changed if that's ok.

So basically. I think I'm in the same boat. Whether is an affair or not I don't know.
Nothing physical has happened. At. All. Typical more than friends less than something else.

Best friends for a decade. Then 18 months ago there was a shift. Now we text everyday. In depth conversations.

My friends have commented on how he acts with me (ie the looks body language) etc

The amount of times I have literally had enough and wanted to go full NC but I just cannot do it.
Before all this we were best friends and the definition of birds of a feather 

So anyway. If anyone wants a chat I'm here.

Hi @belladot are you both married?

@ginandcv
Yes both.
Sorry should of put that.

I think it's a EA but half of me doesn't. He's admitted he's thought and looked at me in that sense.

@looop I hear what you’re saying. There’s an inevitability about me and my AP.

We’ve both said we can’t have an affair (I’m the single party) but yet this thing between us is still there. How are we ever to get back to how we were before? This isn’t going to go away.

For those of you in relationships, do you love your partner still? Why do you think you have ended up in your situation?

My advice would be not to do it. Honestly.

It has changed everything about who I am.

I have some food friends and relatives who have had affairs. Some seem very happily married to their affair partner now too.

But it's a horrible thing to have done.

I do miss my AP and think about him a lot - especially during lockdown. More time to dwell.

But it's like a drug. Going back for a final hit? It just prolongs the agony.

My relationship with my husband is really good. But I feel awful about what I did. He didn't deserve it. He did nothing wrong.

I think about the consequences of it was discovered or I confessed.

What stops me is knowing my children would be devastated. They aren't his btw. We don't have children together.

So the fall out would be that life is worse for everyone. My children have met my AP and don't really like him.

It just feels like more damage would be done by coming clean now so I'll stay quiet.

But I do understand that feeling of 'inevitability' but honestly- it really isn't. Please don't cheat. We have free will. We all have choices. Love isn't a choice less emotion.

Be the better person. Please don't cheat.

For those of you in relationships, do you love your partner still? Why do you think you have ended up in your situation?

I gave myself permission to cheat. Simple as that. I though everyone does it and I deserved it (I didn't) and could get away with it (I have so far)

I made noises about leaving my husband but I was deluded. My AP and I were in a stupid whirlwind. Based on sexual attraction and love of our sport.

Absolutely ridiculous and selfish. I was love-bombed and bought into it. I felt amazing.

Btw AP split with his wife before the affair. I was the one cheating.

I've put everything in to my marriage. But I've definitely put a stain upon it. I've never cheated before. And I never will again.

@ginandcv I would say I'm in a similar situation. My AP will not leave his wife (dont want him to anyway).

It is like a drug, when I see him it's great but the contact is shit. He has played with my head and makes me feel like crap.

I have tried to tell him we need to stop but he talks me round. Yesterday was a prime example. He came to the office where I was and initiated everything.

I am so angry and disappointed with myself as I have a loving husband and a son. I wish he would end it.

@Haybale35 - why do you need him to end it? How will you go forward if you don’t take some responsibility now to do whatever you need to?
If he finds it so easy to talk you round - then I think you know you are just a play thing and he doesn’t respect you as an equal. That’s what is appealing and sexy and addictive for you - especially when you have a loving DH at home - but it just means heartache for you.
But the real heartache you will experience is if you have to explain to your DH that you’ve betrayed him, or that you’ve broken the home for what seems after all a pretty cheap thrill. Or that the reason every birthday and Christmas for your son is divided is that you wanted some attention from a man you don’t even like.
I think that’s what you need to focus on to find the strength to stop things?
Does your DH not suspect anything? People normally notice when their other half is distracted or distant or emotionally disturbed by something.
If this carries on you will get caught - he’s turning up at your workplace for goodness sake! People already know!
So I’d say, doing nothing and chasing the next bit of attention could end up costing you your family. If that happens in a week or a month or two from now - I think you would dearly wish to go back in time to this moment, right now, and change course.

It maybe that you’ve already tarnished your marriage - because you’ll never see your DH in the same way.
But I’m almost certain from what you say that you’ll one day look back at OM too, and wonder what on earth you were thinking.

Just want to prefix this message that I'm not trying to make you feel shit @Haybale35 as I know you do already, but I think it's important to have some tough love to make changes...

It is like a drug, when I see him it's great but the contact is shit. He has played with my head and makes me feel like crap.

You need to take accountability for your own life - you are an adult making a conscious decision to continue this.

He isn't having an affair "at" you or "to" you, he's having an affair with you.

You are equally complicit and your actions are your responsibility. You have agency over your own life.

I have tried to tell him we need to stop but he talks me round. Yesterday was a prime example. He came to the office where I was and initiated everything.

He initiated and you made a conscious decision to accept and reciprocate. You are letting yourself down by making him the "doer" and you the "receiver" as that isn't reality.

I am so angry and disappointed with myself as I have a loving husband and a son. I wish he would end it.

Imagine his face if he found out what you've done.

When OM speaks to you / turns up, can't you picture his face as he finds out? Wouldn't that be enough to stop you?

@backseatcookers thank you for the post. I need a virtual slap to be honest.

You are absolutely right about everything....he has said he no longer feels any guilt at home. Makes me feel sad for his state of his relationship.

My OH doesnt suspect a thing, we are not lovey dovey like that so nothing has changed from that perspective.

I constantly think about having to tell friends, family and work if anyone did find out. That is what makes me feel ill.

I have spoken to AP today about work stuff and I just felt like urgh what I have done. This is what I am hanging on to and will continue to do so. Thankfully it is the bank holiday weekend so I will not hear from him and I am not intending to contact him at all (number is gone and have not saved his number).

I am disgusted with myself.

@Haybale35 to be blunt, the state of his relationship is none of your business. The only thing you need to focus on and feel anything anything is YOUR relAtionship. You should send a message. Tell your AP it’s over. Then for god’s sake move on

After going NC for 24 days and a relapse of just under 2 weeks I have gone NC again, this time feels 100 times worse, I feel heartbroken but I know this is the best decision, just wished it didn’t hurt so much

I can’t face the fall out of making a decision to leave my husband or make AP leave his family it is just too much pain so I want to stop being selfish and put those innocent ones first.

I really wished I hadn’t put myself in this situation, for anyone considering having an affair please don’t do it!

@ginandcv,

Thank you for sharing your story.

Your post that your AP had left his wife before your affair started, and that you were the one in a relationship, effectively the one cheating, really touched me. Thank you for your honesty.

This goes to show that those who dress up affairs as married men preying on innocent single ladies, are wrong.

It takes two to tango. Every affair involves two people who are willing adults. Sometimes the woman is married and the man is single. Sometimes the man is married and the woman is single. Sometimes both are married. Some affairs also happen among lesbians and gays. Some men cheat on their wives with other men. Some women cheat on their husbands with other women.

Those who say men are scum, often forget that includes their fathers, brothers, sons.

Oh I'm so glad I found this thread. I've always looked to Mumsnet for wisdom and advice on just about everything, but the subject of affairs has always seemed to just bring out the posters with their torches and pitchforks at the ready.

I've seen my story told in some of the other posters words. Twenty plus years happily married...would never ever have dreamed of cheating on my husband...not ashamed to say I used to be quite judgemental of people who cheat. And then it happened to me.

My AP is horrible. A loathsome man. Not attractive, the sex is dreadful, I don't like his personality at all and he treats me with absolutely zero respect. He has let me down time after time, barely ever tells the truth, is a complete fantasist. And I am addicted. Utterly. It's been over a year now, during which he's gone awol for periods...five weeks one time..and I've tried to go NC on dozens of occasions but can't do it. Six days was the longest I managed.

I'm going to RTFT tomorrow and give it another go. He's reneging on a promise as we speak..so I'll have some motivation to do it. I will. I will.

@therecanbenoexcuse oh my gosh your post is really sad. What is your motivation here? He sounds absolutely dreadful ☹️.

I really hope you get away from him 💚

BlueHairBlues I don't think there is any way back I'm afraid.

I try not to think about it too much. There's only two outcomes here; either one of us has the leave our jobs, or we continue going round in circles.
I don't know how I'm ever to get over him whilst he's still in my life. But it would be stupid to leave my job; I love it and I'm so settled.

Yes I do still love my DH. But I do believe that you don't feel the same love twice. Everyone that you come to love, you love differently. That's my opinion anyway.

@Helpiamconfused yep. I can't quite believe it myself.

He's now getting a divorce (messy). He's left the family home and his mental health isn't good.

Meanwhile I have just got out of bed in my lovely home with my gorgeous children doing their thing. DH has just done the shopping and bought me flowers.

I'm still staggered at what I did and how I risked it all.

And as for name calling - I was extremely judgemental about affairs.

I never came on these threads with a pitchfork but I thought it was horrible.

I have done a terrible thing.

But I am a person who is worthwhile. I am a good mum. I'm actually a pretty good wife in a good marriage.

I don't have self esteem issues. Neither am I a narcissist.

My family background is nice, middle class. No history of abuse.

My DH did nothing wrong. Our marriage wasn't bad. The idea that there had to be something wrong for me to have had an affair doesn't fit either.

I was deeply unhappy in my marriage, thats why I had an affair. That marriage has ended, I wanted to leave and then he discovered the affair. AP is still with his wife, I'm separated.

And yet I can't seem to end the affair.

@ginandcv

If he finds out do you think he would leave you?

@looop I don't think there is a way back either tbh. I'm actually going to say to my AP (when I go back to work) that this situation is driving me crazy and that I am going to take myself out of this (will not engage with him, won't be alone with him etc) because I know that by being tangled up in this I can't move on. I know I'm going to be able to do this because, for me, I know that I'm not being fair to myself. I just want to be happy and this situation makes me very unhappy.

But I do believe that you don't feel the same love twice. Everyone that you come to love, you love differently. That's my opinion anyway.

I think perhaps you may be right with the above. In my head I've wondered if he still loves his partner and assumed that he couldn't, but I guess it's entirely possible.

@ginsndcv Are you me? Every single thing that you are saying is exactly what I would say. And @BlueHairBlues I couldn't tell you what the motivation is...it makes no sense at all.

I completely agree with the point about loving people differently. I have four kids. I love every one of them equally, but all in a different way and no less for that love being split four ways.

"I have done a terrible thing.
But I am a person who is worthwhile. I am a good mum. I'm actually a pretty good wife in a good marriage.
I don't have self esteem issues. Neither am I a narcissist.
My family background is nice, middle class. No history of abuse.
My DH did nothing wrong. Our marriage wasn't bad. The idea that there had to be something wrong for me to have had an affair doesn't fit either.
He's now getting a divorce. He's left the family home and his mental health isn't good.
Meanwhile I have just got out of bed in my lovely home with my gorgeous children doing their thing. DH has just done the shopping (washing in my case ) and bought me flowers (chocolate for me)."

@BackseatCookers no I don't think he would leave me. There are many reasons but I can be pretty confident he wouldn't.

That's why I made the decision to end the short affair and not tell him. I made the decision to work on what I did and my mistakes. I've had counselling. When lockdown is over I might get more.

He did nothing wrong. I don't want him to endure the pain when the outcome would be the same - ie that we remain together.

I know people say he could have his chance to be with someone lovely (better than me) but I don't think he would want that.

We get on so well. He loves me and my kids. We have wider family to consider (his elderly parents). We have a great life.

He was single for a long time before we got together. He's older than me, and I know he wouldn't want to date again.

I would be unleashing misery on all of us just to assuage my guilt.

I feel it's my job to deal with this and not put him through that pain.

When I had the affair and was distant with him he never gave up on me and showed me what a decent man he is. He just quietly supported me and gave me space to come back?

Don’t ever tell him - you sound genuinely remorseful and if you love him and can be sure in yourself (and through counselling) that it’s not something you intend to do again then I agree no good will come from him knowing.

I wish I didn’t know about my DHs affair. It was over years before I found out and we were very happy. Now we’ve spent a year of misery trying to sort it all out - and although it’s getting better it’s a slow process.

It might be an unpopular opinion but just be the best wife now and don’t put him through the pain.