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Original poster

Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

997 replies

bloomingdalelovely · 07/04/2020 18:41

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

OP posts:
Babaoreally · 03/05/2020 14:24

@looop you say ‘ I know I would be royally fucking up to act on them right now.’ - what you’re describing is just temptation.
Virtually no married person has not experienced it. Everyone understands the thrill and excitement of a new relationship. The difference for cheaters is not even that they choose to act on this - but that they choose to deceive their partner. Maybe your DH has been tempted in the past too? Maybe he resisted the urge because he thought you would see it as a deal breaker. So maybe find out if it is a deal breaker? At least you will both know what you’re up against in choosing to stay married - whether to renegotiate the expectation of fidelity or recommit. Every relationship has bumps and dips and conflicts. Why get married if temptation is all it takes?

It’s not the feelings that make infidelity wrong. It’s not even acting on them. It’s doing so while deceiving your DH/DW.
What are you actually scared of?

Haybale35 · 03/05/2020 14:56

I have stupidly got involved with a colleague. We just used to talk like friends and then he said he couldn't stop thinking about me.

It has then gone from there very quickly. We have managed to meet a few times, we speak every day he is at work or not at home. Usually sundays I get nothing.

I am so angry with myself for getting into this mess. The more he does not message, the more stressed I get. As it's been described earlier in this thread, it is like an addiction. I need to stop but for some stupid reason I cannot.

looop · 03/05/2020 15:03

Baboreally What I meant by that line, was that I would make what already is a horrible situation a million times worse, and would (and rightly so) have to take full responsibility for the ending of my marriage and possibly someone else's.

Right now, the state of my marriage is equally down to both myself and my DH. I already know infidelity would be a dealbreaker. It would for me too. I have already often thought if my DH has ever had feelings for anyone else. Especially when I reflect on my own experience, and how easily I have managed to develop feelings and connect with someone else. I have not acted on my feelings. And I don't intend to. I didn't go into marriage thinking it doesn't matter if someone else comes along. And I certainly don't think temptation is all it takes.

The bottom line is, this guy is my friend underneath it all. He always has been. And I know that I am his. We have obviously invested in said friendship too much. My DH knows of him. Because above all else, I value him as a friend.

I know that myself and my DH, need to look at our marriage and see if it is salvageable. Which we have been doing for some time.

Which is why, I actively try countless times to create distance between myself and my friend.

BackseatCookers · 03/05/2020 15:12

@Haybale35

As it's been described earlier in this thread, it is like an addiction. I need to stop but for some stupid reason I cannot.

What have you tried? Reading up on the psychology of self esteem / self control? Therapy? Cold turkey? Asking him not to get in touch at all?

You say you "can't" stop but do you actually want to? What are you doing to try other then 'just trying'?

Haybale35 · 03/05/2020 15:36

@backseatcookers I spoke to him last monday to say we should stop but he persuaded me around.

Of course I want to stop, but I guess the thought of the attention is stopping me. Ridiculous I know as he bit contacts when we're at work or he's not at home.

Anyone who has been in this position, I would be so grateful for any advice you have.

BackseatCookers · 03/05/2020 15:59

Anyone who has been in this position, I would be so grateful for any advice you have.

I've never cheated, though I have been cheated on.

I have however overcome addition, drugs in my case.

What worked? Fucking hard work.

Therapy, facing consequences, accepting I was being totally destructive and selfish, being realistic about the likely outcome of me continuing such toxic behaviour, mindfulness, filling my life with other things, picturing the better future I want and starting then sticking to medication for an underlying cause (bipolar) of my addictive tendencies.

And then constant vigilance and staying focused on staying well.

I'd imagine the same sort of process would work for a behavioural addiction like cheating.

You know it can't end well. Every message (just like for others every drink / every hit / every line) is prolonging the path to recovery.

It's hard work but it's always worth it to be free of an addiction.

PeanutDouglas · 03/05/2020 16:15

@Haybale35 well you can stop. You just block him. Basically you’re scared to stop because your brain is addicted to the feeling. You are the only one who can do it, so do it.

Crazychild · 03/05/2020 18:17

@Haybale35

I have been in your position and the only thing that will stop it is you or him leaving your company. You won’t want to do this as you’ll be devastated to leave him, but this is the reality.
This stopping and starting of contact etc just intensifies feelings and you will be caught on a perpetual loop of highs (when you talk) and lows (when you don’t hear from him and you convince yourself he wants to move on).
You will be constantly stressed from the infatuation and obsession that comes.

You will not achieve no contact working together.

Wishitwasntso · 03/05/2020 19:47

I've been reading this thread the past few days and have only signed up to reply.
I had an affair with a work colleague for 4 months last year and it's destroyed me.
He promised me the world and didn't deliver on anything, what hurts most is that he was a friend previously, we'd worked together for 6 years and i really thought he cared.
Without bringing up the morality of affairs etc, I'll just say it bloody hurts. I would advise anyone thinking of one to think twice, you're the one left hurt when the infatuation fades. Since my affair ended I've researched loads and mine was very text book, not an exception to the rule and not a Fairytale ending. My life is screwed while his seems perfectly normal. You're the one who will get hurt so please think twice. It's not worth the heart ache or your mental health xx

Dozycuntlaters · 03/05/2020 19:48

@Haybale35 I totally agree with @Crazychild .... whilst you have contact through work it won't stop. Don't end up like me wasting over five years of your life over someone who will never give you what you want or need. So what you have to do to stop this it's tracks or it will end in tears, every ones tears.

Haybale35 · 03/05/2020 20:31

@Crazychild @Dozycuntlaters unfortunately in my field of work it is difficult to find something else. However, this does need to stop and now.

What has been going on is purely physically (neither of us want anything more) but it's the mind games he has played. I dont want to be constantly checking to see if he's on line. I don't even like him that much, which is why I am even more angry with myself.

It stops right now, I have deleted his number.

BackseatCookers · 03/05/2020 21:01

What has been going on is purely physically (neither of us want anything more) but it's the mind games he has played. I dont want to be constantly checking to see if he's on line. I don't even like him that much, which is why I am even more angry with myself.

You say you don't want 'more' but you're 'constantly' checking to see if he's online? This doesn't sound as casual as you want it to. He is clearly not a nice person. And he's enabling you to not be your best self either. Glad you've deleted his number. Don't let yourself down.

Haybale35 · 03/05/2020 21:10

@BackseatCookers you're absolutely right, he is not a nice person. He cheated on his wife just after their third child was born.
He also talks about his marriage as if he was trapped by his wife and the only reason he stays with her is financial.
It makes me feel sad for him that he feels that way. Makes me feel so much better about my relationship (but a lot more guilty to).
I think I check as we were messaging every day, though he changed the goal posts and said he couldnt. It just fucked with my mind a bit.
I am not going to let myself down, I need to be strong and not let him get to me.

PeanutDouglas · 03/05/2020 21:18

@HayBale35 congratulations !! You don’t need the mind fuck xx

Haybale35 · 03/05/2020 21:30

@PeanutDouglas thanks. One step at a time....I feel a little better already. Still got to face him at work but thats something I will have to do once lockdown is over! X

Sosounhappy · 03/05/2020 22:50

The thing I don't get is mine ap just wanted sex met up once a week for an hour for sex. He never said he would leave his wife or said he had any feelings for me. So why did he message me everyday. I very very rarely messaged him first

scrambledtofu · 04/05/2020 02:20

@Sosounhappy headfuck to keep you hanging on

Sosounhappy · 04/05/2020 07:17

I think so. Everytime I tried to distance myself he messages more

Haybale35 · 04/05/2020 07:49

@sosounhappy that is exactly like my ap. He would message me every day leading up to us having sex and then the messages would decrease.

It is a total head fuck and has made me go crazy. I have deleted his number, if he contacts me I am just ignoring it. You dont deserve to be treated that way. Just need to remain strong and move on with your life.

If you want to chat over message please do message me x

Dozycuntlaters · 04/05/2020 09:29

You guys are more than welcome to message me too. After experiencing this for over five years I'm an expert now sadly.....good to have some support without being made to feel like a mass murderer
As after all we are only human and we can keep each other strong. For those going no contact .........WE CAN DO THIS

changemynamechangemynamewhen · 04/05/2020 12:20

@sosounhappy it's to make sure he keeps you interested enough to give him what he needs

ginandcv · 05/05/2020 12:03

Does anyone have any book recommendations? I'm really struggling.

I've read Ester Perel. Also reading a CBT book and had counselling. Now on antidepressants.

Short affair ended about 4 months ago.

Original poster
bloomingdalelovely · 05/05/2020 12:16

@ginandcv have you been totally NC for the past 4 months.
I thought the Ester Perel books were really good. I found just generally reading up on addiction type behaviour online helped me to think of it like that and break the thought loop - otherwise thinking of it with some romantic narrative of what ifs makes it much harder to let go.

OP posts:
ginandcv · 05/05/2020 12:16

All the books are geared towards husbands cheating and repairing after being found out.

I cheated and it hasn't been discovered.

Oh and I've read Shirley glass - not just friends too.

I feel wretched most of the time. Well that's not true.

I'm working really hard and that's a great distraction. I exercise. Kids are great. DH is happy. But I wake in the night feeling awful and I have intrusive thoughts.

ginandcv · 05/05/2020 12:19

@bloomingdalelovely thanks.

Not completely nc

We live very close to each other so it's virtually impossible.

We're also involved in a sports club together (not happening at present obvs).

I broke it off. I could leave the club and hope he moves away but not sure that's realistic.

He occasionally messages and I have spoken to him a few times in the last few weeks but haven't actually seen him since lockdown.