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Original poster

Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

997 replies

bloomingdalelovely · 07/04/2020 18:41

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

OP posts:
ginandcv · 02/05/2020 08:47

Well I think he knew I was too close to someone else yes.

But the affair has been over for a good few months and we're in a better place.

I don't think it will come out (as much as anyone can think this).

I know that he wouldn't want to split (you'll have to trust me on this - culture, age, religion, elderly parents, money). He adores me.

So I made the decision not to tell. I have become a much better version of myself. Our relationship has much improved. We have a lot of fun and get in really well.

I now liken it to having had a drug addiction. I made a horrible mistake. I'm not gleeful I got away with it. I behave as if he did know.

So I'm honest and transparent with my phone, messages etc.

Vickiblonde · 02/05/2020 08:53

I have read through all of this thread at. I had an affair and just wanted to give my story in case it helps anyone. We were both married. Met and spent the first 8 years as friends. At the end of nights out we'd end up just the two of us talking for hours. We clicked somehow. I'd never really experienced a connection like it but nothing happened. Then it did.

Anyway. We got busted. It was devastating. People got hurt. I lost half of my family in an instant. I had to walk into the house and tell my husband. The pain it caused was immense. The guilt was just indescribable.

BUT it's been a year and a half now. Within 3 months my husband had a new partner and she moved into the house we used to share. She was the receptionist from the gym we used to go to.

I can honestly say that he's happier. He's with someone far better suited to him. She's a homemaker, cooks well and I just wasn't those things. I love work. Ambitious through and through. I just could be what he wanted but she is. She's actually lovely. I have to say though that one of the most painful parts was watching him move on without a backwards glance. She was in the house before I'd even moved my stuff out. I got everything I deserved. I deserved the pain of watching him love another woman.

Me? I am with my AP. And we are living a life together. Its us. I am me. He's as ambitious as I am and has a huge drive to travel, explore and live our way.

I guess what I'm saying is that time moves on and lives change. But please do not underestimate the pain it causes. The utter devastation that you will be responsible for. There is no escaping it. No escaping the judgement.

I'm sat next to my partner on the sofa atm. We've woken up together and later will be grabbing the kids. Luckily we have two wonderful ex partners who have forgiven and even accepted the fact that we are good together.

Affairs are horrible. For everyone involved. Just be completely prepared for the fallout.

Dozycuntlaters · 02/05/2020 09:31

Can I join in please?

I'm just over five years in an affair, he's married, I was single and then tried to be with various partners but it's difficult to form relationships when your head is already turned.

Known him for years as we work closely together but when I left my marriage he was really kind, we started chatting and then the usual story, got closer and closer then before we knew it the line was crossed.

About two years in I asked him outright if he was ever going to leave his wife.....we had been caught at this stage but it continued.....and he said no so I asked him to leave me alone so I could move on. I met someone I liked, it went on for about 6 weeks and then my AP called one morning and said he had left her. He did as well, for 24 hours before going back. Yet still it carried on....for over three years. We have been caught out by his wife about 8 times. I used to feel sorry for her but that has long gone, she is a big a fool as I am. I love him wholeheartedly but sad as it makes me feel I have to accept he doesn't feel the same. He swears he does, but really if he did he would be with me and he isn't. He has just had retirement forced on him and he says maybe this will be the turning point as he isn't joyous about being stuck with her all day every day...but he won't leave and I know that. Almost 2 weeks of no contact now, not that I ever initiate contact anyway, and much as I miss him, and I can't explain how much I do miss him, I feel more settled when I don't hear from him so hopefully now this is the end and I may finally be able to move on with my life. I was 43 when this started, and I will be 50 next year. What a fucking waste. But it's no less than I deserve, I chose to get involved, I honestly don't know what the fuck I thought would happen.

One thing that puzzles me is this.....to his wife and their mates I'm the biggest cunt ever but surely if I'm a cunt then he is too.

To anyone on the brink of an affair then DONT....it's soul destroying in every way and what starts off as intoxicatingly and exciting just turns into sadness and bitterness. In one way I don't regret it because I had a fantastic time with him, and despite everything he really is a wonderful person .....only someone going through this can appreciate how I mean that, but then a part of me wishes I had never replied to that first message.

Dozycuntlaters · 02/05/2020 09:38

Just to clarify when he said he wouldn't leave her, he said he wanted her to be the one to end it or for her to die. He said he dreamt of the police coming to the door to give him bad news. That or he wants her to say she can't forgive him and it's over. But she never will. I think for her it's turned into a competition, even if she can't live with this she is determined I will never have him, have her life etc etc so she's hellbent on carrying on even thought jt must be no way for her to live.

PeanutDouglas · 02/05/2020 09:59

@Dozycuntlaters so basically you’ve fallen for a coward who won’t do the decent thing. Love (or lust or limerence) makes us do stupid things....and you’ve done a stupid thing. You’ve been in this so long it’s going to take a while for you to recover, but you need to move on so you don’t waste any more of your life. He really ISN’T a wonderful man. He’s a pathetic creep. Wishing his wife dead just so he doesn’t have to tell her he doesn’t want to be with her?! I know from the inside he seems like he’s incredible, but from the outside looking in we can see him for what he is.....a cunt.

Ideally and if you can afford it You need to get counselling to help you through this. If I were you I’d also write a letter to his wife asking forgiveness (do not send it, but on the basis you’ve behaved appallingly - caught you 8 times ?!?! - it might help your own recovery if you’ve acknowledged this in writing.)

changemynamechangemynamewhen · 02/05/2020 15:27

My AP after another tantrum yesterday has had a major blow up and ended it. I said something he didn't quite like (a truth about his character)
I know this is a lucky escape as his behaviour is beyond erratic and cruel but I still feel sad for the good times and miss hearing from him (very good sense of humour and charismatic). I am so tempted to cave and message him with a simple take care type message but know it's a disastrous idea. Please how can I stop it feeling so shit

ginandcv · 02/05/2020 15:37

Yeah those final messages just reopen the conversation.

I'd recommend distraction. When you're brain is occupied it seems to take the heat off the heartache.

affor · 02/05/2020 15:46

@changemynamechangemynamewhen

Can you just get to tomorrow without messaging him? Then reevaluate and maybe get to the end of the day without sending it, and so on?

You don't have to resolve now it's forever, but just see if you go a bit longer.

changemynamechangemynamewhen · 02/05/2020 16:25

@affor yes I have Monday on my mind

I secretly hope he will realise he misses me in that time and send me a message. But I know he won't

PeanutDouglas · 02/05/2020 16:40

@changemynamechangemynamewhen it’s shit. Please read about narcissism. I think it might help you. Just take one day at a time. Give yourself a chance to heal

changemynamechangemynamewhen · 02/05/2020 17:03

I just don't understand how someone can be so wonderful one minute then the next cold distant and plain nasty

BackseatCookers · 02/05/2020 18:41

I just don't understand how someone can be so wonderful one minute then the next cold distant and plain nasty

But @changemynamechangemynamewhen looking at this objectively, you know he is the kind of person capable of compartmentalising his 'feelings' and being selfish because of the status of your relationship with him as AP.

I'm not saying that to be an arsehole, more to show you how much you have romanticised your relationship with him. It can't be that much of a shock that he's capable of saying one thing and acting a totally different way? You know he does it to other people.

Don't get drawn back into this. Surely you want to be worth more than being someone's secret?

BurneyFanny · 02/05/2020 19:40

so she's hellbent on carrying on even thought jt must be no way for her to live

OH THE IRONY

changemynamechangemynamewhen · 02/05/2020 20:22

@BackseatCookers it makes perfect sense. The veil has also lifted regarding several things he said that are contradictory to his actions. And like you say why wouldn't they be? You have to be an untrustworthy person in the first place to conduct an affair and say/do whatever makes it easiest to carry on this double life
I know all this in theory but in practice all I want is him to message and say it will all be okay

BlueHairBlues · 03/05/2020 09:07

Morning All,

I think about mine every day.

Not looking forward to going back to work and having to see him. It will be so hard. But, I’m sticking to my guns and pulling back.

Our thing is more of a mutual attraction/connection. I wouldn’t even call it an emotional affair really but I can see that we have crossed the line.

I guess my situation is different to others on this thread but I can see how easy it is to get sucked in when u both feel the same.

Dozycuntlaters · 03/05/2020 09:19

Morning. Blue, it's imposssible to stop three things when you have to deal with each other through work. I didn't work with my AP but we were closely affiliated so had to deal with him through work a lot. I always said we would never be over until he retired and that's happened now. He's just sent an email to our company saying good bye and good luck etc so that's that. Over five years of my life over. For the best I know but it's still sad. He said when he found out he had to retire that he feels it will make the decision for him but it won't and I've accepted that. Gutted but there we go, just carrying on best I can and hopefully he will,occupy my thoughts less and less as time goes by. His wife will slowly suffocate him, she tracks his every move, i just hope I move on one day so I don't care.

MLouise183 · 03/05/2020 10:44

@Dozycuntlaters maybe his wife 'tracked his every move' because he's been sneaky and messing around with other women for years? It's not an excuse, I'd have been out of there years ago but sometimes people's behaviours are triggered by the way they are treated. People who become insecure in their relationships usually do so because they're being mistreated or lacking in love/attention from their partners. Hence why some people can feel that something's not right way before they can prove it (when one partner is cheating). It is possible that his marriage may even improve with you out of the picture, he may start paying his wife some attention.....we all know the grass is greener where you water it. There's obviously something still there for his wife or he would have left, after all they've shared far more together than you and him ever have. Just another perspective.

BlueHairBlues · 03/05/2020 10:57

Hi @Dozycuntlaters,

My AP is a customer! Even worse than a colleague 😬. I have thought many times about leaving my job but now because of Covid19 and all the uncertainty I can’t. For now I’ll have to grin and bear it. Even if I change jobs we’ll still see each other as we live near each other. Nightmare.

I think I’ve got this under control and sorted in my head.

Did you want your AP to be with u?

In some ways, his retirement will make it easier for you as the decision had been made for you? Although I guess you’re going to go through the grieving part.

Dozycuntlaters · 03/05/2020 11:05

@BlueHairBlues yes we were major clients of my AP, I've known him 23 years and we worked closely together so really I it was an impossible situation. We started off as mates and it just sort of evolved, guess we were both unhappy and found comfort in each other.

Yes I did want to be with him and much as he said the same I always knew he would never leave... well he did very briefly..... but I kept hanging on in there. I've lived my life on pause really, such a waste.

But yes his retirement will be best for everyone and I really do hope that without me in the picture he can find peace in his life now and sad as I am I genuinely wish him every happiness . I've been ok but the goodbye email has really upset me , just sitting here crying. So pathetic .

Crazychild · 03/05/2020 12:10

The coworker situation is incredibly difficult especially if it’s an EA and both of you are hiding feelings.
It’s just a back and forth of trying to pull away and getting dragged back in as you can’t achieve no contact with someone in work without admitting your feelings which very few people will do.

changemynamechangemynamewhen · 03/05/2020 12:30

I'm desperate to message my ex AP just to check he is still actually alive 🙄he ignored all my messages from Friday as he does have health problems

However then part of me thinks fuck him he obviously isn't sitting at home worrying about how I am

ginandcv · 03/05/2020 12:49

Of course he's still alive. It's just a big head fuck to be thinking about him - worrying and fretting.

affor · 03/05/2020 12:51

@Crazychild agree the coworker part is a nightmare. As mentioned my AP is my boss. Or was. I've left my job this week. If I decide to go cold turkey and no contact that will make things much easier.

Dozycuntlaters · 03/05/2020 13:18

@changemynamechangemynamewhen try not to message him if that's possible. So many timed when me and AP tried to go no contact it would be left a few days then one would message to see how the other was and it would all start up again.

looop · 03/05/2020 13:31

BlueHairBlues & Crazychild both of your latest posts have struck a cord for me.

Being colleagues makes the situation even more impossible. And because we're front line workers, there's been no break from each other (apart from a few weeks of self isolation on his half, and annual leave on mine).

We seem to constantly go round in circles and have done for almost a year and a half now.
Like you BlueHairBlues I wouldn't call it an 'emotional affair'. We have no contact outside of work, apart from a couple of team nights out. We've never admitted outright to having feelings for each other. And yet, there still seems to be an inevitability that one day the line will be officially crossed (it's always been blurry).

We both go through phases of pulling back, and keeping our interactions to a minimum. He in particular seems to hate when I instigate these times, so whilst not being able to even give me the friendship I want, he can't stand to have me mad or frustrated at him.
So he'll reach out (just like he did after our recent break) and act all charming, and throw the crumbs I want to hear. And we're back to square one...

We're far too involved with each other. We're both married, we both have one young DC each. I constantly have to remind myself of this. My marriage is far from perfect, but as much as my feelings are strong, I know I would be royally fucking up to act on them right now.