Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

Still checking my messages every five minutes thinking he will message me as he can't just possibly not care about me and the times we had can he?
Apparently so

@changemynamechangemynamewhen

Stay strong. How long has it been since you called him out on his disrespectful behaviour and he’s been ignoring you?

I haven’t texted much all day to my AP so I’ve now had a I miss you message which is very rare but happens when I’m not chasing him. I wrote back Ditto as he usually does to me and he’s really gone off on one!!!

It's been two days confused
He's a douche

Five years later I still can’t get over him or away from him. My affair ended my marriage - have divorced and moved house. He went on to have another baby with her. I go for months with no contact (my choice) and then he talks me round and we meet up. He rings and texts everyday: it’s shit and I wish I’d never ever messed my life up for him. Cut him off completely now before you are five years in like me. It gets worse.

@TheMistressQuickly

Oh no 5 years. That’s awful. That really makes me think. Do I want to be in this same position in 5 years time as I’m sure my AP would be happy to still be like this. Calling me up when he wants. It’s all at his convenience.

@confusedwife1 I’ll be frank, I’m unsure why you’re still on here ruminating about what to do. You know what to do. Block him. It’s hard yes, but continuing to engage with him and talking about him with others on here will just make it harder. Just do it !

@PeanutDouglas did you make the decision so easily?

Well I've not needed to go NC because he's gone again 😔. I spoke to him last the Saturday before last as normal. Not heard from him since. He could have phone problems unlikely I know or he's done what he normally does. Freaks out and vanishes. He knows he can send me a message and I will come running again

@affor once I realised I was being picked up and put down again at will, yes. I knew what I had to do and did it. Was it hard? Yes. Am I still hurting? Yes. Was it the best thing? Yes. There really is NO point trying to convince yourselves you can somehow keep this person in your life and be happy. You can’t. I’m speaking from experience and only trying to reinforce that the only way for you to feel free emotionally is to stop all contact. This thread has lasted nearly 3 weeks and a number of participants are in the same place. That’s 3 weeks you have wasted when you could be on the road to recovery. Think of it like that

That makes sense peanut. I think it's one of those things a bit like changing jobs or dieting where you won't do it/ stick at it till you're ready, no matter how much sense other people make.

I am confronting my AP today about the news I got over the weekend. I already know what he'll say - couldn't tell me as then I'd leave - but that wasn't his decision to make. Going to be fun.

@affor I feel for you; it’s devastating. You can do this tho. Be strong, don’t be talked round. Move forward and remember you can be free of this shit

@affor I’m really sorry this happened to you, I would be so devastated if something like that happened to me, good luck and be strong!
I understand when you say things will only happen once you are ready, you know what you have to do but yet doing it is hard, when you do decide to go NC then really try your best so whatever happens you know that you tried.

Got divorced and married him. Big mistake. Huge

@littlemeitslyn what happened to make it a huge mistake?

@littlemeitslyn was he unfaithful to you as well?

@littlemeitslyn if you could share your story it might really help some of us please?

I got divorced too and am engaged to my AP

It's so glaringly obvious from this thread that many of you are being used by these men. Whilst you think it's 'love', they clearly don't. Many of these men have gone 'quiet' during lockdown, probably because 1) they can't get out for a quickie with you and 2) they don't want their wives to notice their constant messaging because you're not worth leaving the marriage for. It's so obvious these men are still being intimate with their wives...because some are pregnant. Yet some of you are so quick to believe what they tell you. As an outsider, without an emotional attachment to a man like this, I can see it very clearly for what it is. What would you say to your best friend or daughter if they were being treated this way by a married man?

I read some statistic that 5-10% of people involved in affairs actually end up together.
It's obvious from the response to the 2 one-liner (and likely trolling/fake) posts above saying 'I ended up with AP' that people are really grasping at straws. Sorry, but it looks like the probability you will end with up with AP is very slim.
Why not use this time to move on - it's the best time to do it because no physical contact. Treat it like you would an addiction to alcohol or such, steer completely clear, absolute NC, not putting yourself in a position where you would be tempted to make contact. Try this for 21 days and see how you feel. This should help lift the 'fog' so you can see more clearly.

@fused30982020 Make that three - I ended up with AP. Happy to give details if you like , but I promise you he is lying snoring next to me right now. There is hope, but I concede we are the exception not the rule.

@fused30982020 surely is 5-10% end up together then you should be surprised there aren't more of those 'I ended up with AP' posts on here, not calling them fake?

And @MLouise183 your sexism is showing. Most of the posts on here are from women who are cheating on their partners, a couple from men who are, and a some from women who are cheating with married men. So it's not 'these men'.

There are also plenty of us whose APs haven't gone quiet and who weren't having quickies before lockdown. But there are a lot of issues with all of our relationships so either engage in the conversation or, if you've just come to have a go at people who are struggling and make them feel worse, check your assumptions and consider if you're really helping or just hurting people.

I wanted to add something as reading posts like some of the above do make me feel a bit annoyed. Sometimes is not that we are not worth leaving their wive's or that they do not love us it is just simply that it's really hard to make a life changing decision so quickly.

Some people here are married cheating with another married man, some others are single with a married man, etc. From the married part (I am) I understand AP when he says it is difficult and he is scared as I am too, it is true we have/are cheating but that doesn't make us heartless monsters, I still care about my husband and even though I do not want to be with him anymore I do not want to hurt him, it is inevitable but if I can try and minimise the impact of whatever I decide then I will feel less bad about myself. If you add children to the already complicated situation then that's when some people decide not to leave their marriages, not because they do not love or want to be with their AP but because they do not want to hurt their children.

@affor but your AP is one of “those men” who is treating you like shit and has completely betrayed his wife. I’d just keep that in mind in order to give you the strength you need

@PeanutDouglas

You’re posts really aren’t very helpful. You are obviously at a different stage of recovery which is great for you but telling people the men are pieces of shit is not helpful.

The thread is called ...and how did you get over the AP. People are looking for help and advice. Just to say basically get over it is of no use

Very true @PeanutDouglas, but that wasn't about me so much.

Mine is a married man behaving badly. But for others that is not the case. And regardless, it's still a hard situation that we look to each for support in, despite the differences in our circumstances. There is no 'standard affair' to the people in it, and actually making out as though it;s just sleazy married men who are pathological liars sleeping with female psychopaths with no empathy helps noone.

I suppose its just frustrating that posters think it's useful to pile on and tell us what terrible things we're doing. As though we don't know this isn't ok?

If someone is struggling mentally and emotionally with a decision, tearing them down through a keyboard helps no-one.