Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

You must know that the only way to get over an affair partner is to block them in every way possible. You have to be strong and treat it like an addiction. Make them hate you if that’s what it takes. That’s what I did and it worked. He was a narcissist and would have kept playing with my emotions and wearing me down, I said whatever I thought was enough for me to never hear from him again.

Imagine how that mans wife will feel if she finds out, pregnant with twins and so very vulnerable. Even if he left her for you, do you think it would ever work? All that history they have together, most likely he would be with her when she gives birth. That incredibly emotional experience will be theirs and you won’t be part of that. It will never work. End it now and sort your life out.

I read a disgusting post from a man earlier up the thread about how he’s had multiple affairs, but sadly the affair partner always ends up with feelings. Those feelings can be enough to destroy a persons mental health and ultimately a persons life and the family of that persons lives, it’s not a game.

I think it's akin to coming in a thread about alcoholism and saying that it's nasty and just give it up.

I'm completely opposite of most here.

I'm female. Happily married.

Married man confessed feelings for me and left his wife that day after going home and arguing with her.

I said no for ages then I did. I had a very intense affair for about 6 weeks.

I broke it off as I couldn't leave

AP is getting divorced.

I'm the shitbag in all of this. DH doesn't know.

I still have limited contact with AP.

He did everything right. I didn't. I have to live with this. I have many 'what ifs' but the men in all of this are innocent.

And I do know a fair few seemingly successful relationships born from affairs. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors, and I have seen the devastating fall out too. But affairs do occur the world over. Like death and taxes.

I should never have done what I did. It was awful. I have deep remorse and regret. I have no defence.

After I broke it off I actually felt so low I considered suicide.

I'm a rational mum with a professional job. You wouldn't believe it about me.

I sought help, meds and set upon a self improvement crusade. My marriage is better than ever.

But the point is I did sink so very low that when people come on with the sole intention of kicking us and calling us scum, please remember we could be on the mental health boards requesting help in desperate times.

We're human. We have done terrible things. We know.

You wouldn’t help an addict by encouraging them to continue either. It is an addiction and should be treated as such. No judgement, but the reality is affairs are incredibly damaging for ALL concerned including those unlucky enough to fall in love with someone they shouldn’t.

Ginsandcv- same here. Rational mum, friend, love my job, happy family no history of mental illness but I got caught up in something I just couldn’t deal with.
There were times when I thought death was the only way to stop all the hurt, pain and shame I was experiencing. Even my friends couldn’t help me, they said I almost became a different person.

It was my own children who pulled me back as I just wasn't 'present'

I still can't believe it of myself.

Mine was on New Year’s Eve... the one just gone. After two and a half years of pain and angst, interspersed with some good times, some affection it came over me in a wave and I knew I couldn’t face another year of it. I would cry on my drive home from work and desperately try to pull myself together. I thought I was causing him pain too. I thought the reason he wouldn’t ever let me go was because he loved me, but now I realise he thrived off the attention- good or bad. He enjoyed our arguments.

I told him on NYE that if he didn’t block me I’d tell his wife and older boys. He blocked me and I’ve never heard from him since.

I’m started to heal, I’ve been over things time and time again, trying to understand what happened.. questioned constantly whether it was all me, whether I’m a bad person, but I have friends, family and I don’t ever fall out with anyone. He was the only one.

I find it quite painful to read the posts from people still trapped in this awful cycle. No judgement from me.

@affor of course, humans are nuanced and that’s what makes it so hard to get over someone who has previously idolised you and then you’ve found out they’ve lied. Their feelings probably weren’t so black and white (unless they were a pyscopath with no empathy). However, my point is for everyone still talking about their APs on here, you need to stop. If you want to move on you need to treat it like an addiction and go cold turkey.

Today I found a message from my AP which has had me crying. I desperately want to contact him. The only thing stopping me is that I know the addiction will start again and I’ve come so far.

I don't think many of us do want to move on. We want to want to move on. Does that make sense?

Someone upthread likened it to another addiction. We wouldn't say to an alcoholic 'just throw out all your alcohol and go turkey' that's the only way you'll feel better. Because we know that's not how it works. Not drinking has to become less painful than drinking before they can be helped to do so.

@affor I get it completely. Your brain is fucked and you’re acting irrationally, like all addicts. I tried to leave my AP so many times and was talked round. For a few days I was made to feel incredible; the addiction got me again. And then the uncertainty set it, the paranoia. I couldn’t live like that and in a moment of strength (and it was a moment) I said no more and wouldn’t be talked around. Let’s just hope you have this moment soon because a new life is going to be brought into this shit show.

Fused - I can assure you that my "I ended up with AP" is not fake.
The biggest difference for me however was that, my AP was single and I was not.

Thinking about it as an addiction and approaching NC with this in mind has really helped me - I haven't thought nearly as much about this in the past week as I did previously. Having a bit of a wobble today because I watched some tv show that reminded me of things and really tempted to check social media but trying not to surrender to that urge.

I also think it's true that you can only get to this stage when you've really had absolutely enough, when the pain feels too much. Before then it's not easy to give up AP or make an earnest decision to kick the addiction.

Also very helpful and encouraging to hear from people who have managed to cut contact and get over it - tells me there is hope.

@affor I can only talk about what I've witnessed and experienced. I have known far more men to cheat than women. My father cheated on my mother, when he was caught he swore the other woman 'meant nothing' and refused to leave and threatened he would leave her with nothing if she dared leave him. An ex partner of mine cheated with a much older women "because older women are more easily flattered by attention." (His words, not mine). My best friend's husband cheated whilst she was pregnant but dumped his AP as soon as he was discovered. Again, he refused to leave and she had to fight him in court to get him out of the house. This thread is full of women who's married AP's continuously drop them and pick them up when they need their egos boosting. Yet they keep pretending they're 'in love'. Probably because it's easier than recognising that they're being used. I think some affairs are born out of genuine love for each other but I think it's very few. I also think women become far more 'attached' in these situations than men do (there is research that supports this), although I do accept that there are some exceptions to this. Research also suggests that 'these men' nearly never leave their wives unless they're made too.

I think it's absurd that you think you have a right to be angry with your AP for not telling you his wife is pregnant. He doesn't have to tell you anything. That's his and his wife's business. Also, I can share my opinion on this thread because it's an open thread. I don't really like people that so easily choose to inflict trauma on others so easily so I feel justified in doing so.

Finally, I really don't think you're in a position to talk to me about 'hurting people'.

I don't really like people that so easily choose to inflict trauma on others so easily so I feel justified in doing so.

Finally, I really don't think you're in a position to talk to me about 'hurting people'.

That's completely fair and valid. As long as you recognize that your words have a similar effect on here. Even if you think we're terrible people, we're still people.

@affor despite what you think, I'm not saying it to hurt people. I'm saying it because I believe it to be true. A lot of women on this thread (and everywhere else) are being used by married men. It's that simple. Yes there are some married women that are doing the same but it's far fewer. Whist I don't necessarily think cheaters are terrible people. I do think think actions are selfish and mean.

@affor also, the words of a stranger on the internet who dares to give their opinion regarding cheating really does not compare to the trauma caused by infidelity. Out of curiosity, have you ever been cheated on?

I am struggling today would love a hug

@MLouise183 I get that I really do. But people on this thread have said repeatedly that they just want a safe space to discuss, not be torn apart.

I have been cheated on yes. And I know it doesn't compare, I said similar to try explain but I didn't say the same deliberately, of course it's not.

I'd really recommend the book Shirley Glass - not just friends.

It's been so helpful at learning and moving on away from the affair.

The thing is - if you’re having an affair and the relationship ends - I don’t really see it is particularly different to the break up of any other romantic relationship?

In truth - if you’re having an affair you are not even in a full relationship-just a segmented half life relationship. This feels good at first-as if you just get the best bits. But once feelings are involved, I think it just reinforces the sense of deprivation and distance that you can’t cross.

For those in an affair who are also cheating-it’s just a form of abusive behaviour, and the pain comes from not being able to share the pain with a partner because it would expose the abuse that’s being inflicted on them. And yes - abuse also damages perpetrators as well as victims - but to nowhere near the the same degree. So when abusers seek sympathy-they need to be truly remorseful-and no one on this thread is remorseful-just engulfed in self pity.

Ultimately everyone knows that a relationship breakdown is hard, and there are no shortcuts to getting over heartbreak. Even where you think it’s a match made in heaven, God really is unlikely to just give you someone else’s husband. (I reckon they would need to be no longer married first!)
Yes - affair relationships are addictive- especially so, because there is sooo much longing and so little actual enjoyment.

Unfortunately women often adore a man they can’t seem to emotionally hurt. But it sets them up for abuse as willing victims. And in the case of affairs-the abuse is secretive and prolonged. You’ve had the delicious illicit rendezvous, the thrill and the danger. You’ve known what you’re doing isn’t innocent or without harm to others. Everything comes at a price.
Pain is there to tell you something about your life. So maybe just experience the pain in the knowledge that it will go if you can stop rubbing the open wound, and give time a chance to heal and live something better.

@affor keep your head up, I would be gutted if my AF kept something like that from me too and although I agree that there is business between him and his wife as there is between me and my husband, I would expect him to share the big stuff as do I.

I also understand that when in this position I can beat myself up and make myself feel terrible and need some support not more abuse from others. I know my choices arent great but it's not black and white and I dont believe I am fundamentally a bad person and i do not believe you are either.

@Babaoreally you have articulated it so well and I agree with everything you've said.

@Labradoodlesnoodles whilst I accept that an OW may be upset that that her AP kept something from her, the point I was making is that as an OW, she really doesn't have the right to be angry with him. He is not committed to her, he owes her nothing. His wife's pregnancy is none of her business. The wife might be rather upset that he kept a side chick from her and that would be warranted because he's committed to her, but that's not your concern is it. As for comment about abuse, I'm merely sharing my opinion of the behaviour that's being discussed on her. I actually thing that cheating itself is a form of emotional abuse.

I actually don’t think many people HAVE been deliberately hurtful on this thread. I think that even people who have made clear they find affairs abhorrent have been sympathetic, given good advice but truthful and firm. This is a safe space and should be respected as such. However, and as I’ve said before, it’s actually not doing any of you still involved in your affairs much good. It’s just an opportunity to talk more about your APs, reinforcing your addiction and to be frank wallow in your feelings of longing. I think it’s quite one thing to need support AFTER the break up. Where people are losing patience is where some have not done the deed and are still looking for sympathy

@Babaoreally great summary

I am still no contact really struggling. He gets to go back to his life to his wife who waits on him hand and foot just won't have sex with him. To his children who idolise him apparently. He is already back on the dating site I met him on no doubt looking for his next affair. Very tempted screen shot the dating website and send it to his wife