Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

His poor, poor wife. I imagine she’d be more than floored if she found out what’s been going on behind her back . Shame she doesn’t have the knowledge to make the choice to as to whether she wants to leave him hey?

The grief I feel for what I thought was something true and romantic is phenomenal. Much worse than any past break up.

Imagine how his wife would feel, especially pregnant with his twins.

It's heartbreaking to think how much of her life is a lie and she doesn't even know, especially at such a vulnerable time in general with all things covid and personally due to her pregnancy.

She is the victim here.

@affor I'm so sorry, it must really hurt, I know I would be devastated.

@affor well you have your conclusive proof that he’s a complete shit. Block. Deal with the grief. You had a lucky escape. His wife is not so lucky, the poor woman

Yes, his wife is the real victim. He has robbed her of her consent to be with a faithful man.

Think how unsettled she has likely felt when he has been ‘distant.’

Yes, his wife is the real victim

I know that. But it doesn't mean I'm ok either.

I haven't texted him since I found out last night and ignored his goodnight texts. We pretty much talk all day every day so he already knows something is up.

Blocking and cutting out of life not so easy though as we work together.

If he wanted to leave her and be with you despite this are you saying you would be open to that?!

No, that's what I mean when I said it wouldn't work now, sorry to be confusing. It now feels like the choice (however shitty it was) has been taken away.

@affor I’m sorry to hear this. I can imagine how u feel.

Somebody said on a different thread that if a man wants to be with u, he will. I’m going to roll with that with regards to my AP. So when lockdown is over, and some normality resumes, and I go back to work, I’m going to pull right back from mine. If he wants me, he can come and get me but he must be single. Don’t forget, they too are feeling the same as us, the euphoria, addiction, etc. Let him figure it out.

Up thread a PP said it highlights something is missing in your life/relationship. I thought this was rubbish at first, but for me it has made me realise that actually something is missing in my life. I’m ready for a relationship. If my AP was single It would be with him, but he’s not. I’m not going to waste any more of my time. I’m too old for this shit. I found it once I can hopefully find it again and if I don’t, I’d rather be on my own. And that’s the truth.

@affor it's very hard to just walk away after investing so much emotionally
Mine is now completely ignoring me after calling him out about his lack of respect for me. I mean how can he respect me when I have no respect for myself? He's ignoring me and there's zero chance I'm going to contact him so I guess that's the end

I don't know what to do or how to handle this. There's not exactly a handbook for affairs.

He is texting me wanting to know if I'm ok as I didn't respond last night or text him today. We normally message on and off all day.

He doesn't know I know, as I only found out my checking out his wife's social media

Part of me just wants to continue in denial as I'm going through a lot right now and don't want to loose this during lockdown, it's too hard. But that's like doubling down on being a bad person. And I can't just block him as we work together. So either I confront him by text today, fob him off today and confront him by phone tomorrow, or give a fake excuse and carry on as it makes my life easier in the short term.

How mad is it that I feel almost ashamed to tell him as I'll have to say how I know? I know I have done anything wrong but it's embarrassing somehow

Let him sweat for a bit the fucker

@affor this is just shit all round.

I'd urge caution about doing anything in haste. Anything to exact revenge or done in anger could prolong the agony for everyone.

I do think a carefully worded message to say you know his wife is pregnant and that you cannot see him anymore would be a good first step.

Doesn't matter how you know. You can't be together. So end that. Everything else can happen in time.

What a shock. Affor, end it and save yourself any more hurt from now . Find someone who can be with you properly. Really sorry x

@affor

Surely if you have any respect for yourself and any empathy at all, because his wife is pregnant, you will message him saying you don't wish to hear from him outside of work and will not be responding to any non work related messages?

Imagine his wife's face if / when she finds out her husband has been shagging someone from work. While she's pregnant. Imagine being six months pregnant and finding that out, how devastated and crushed and humiliated you would feel.

You are currently complicit in that. You can't change the past but don't be complicit in that for even another day.

It's cruel and surely you don't want to be cruel? Especially to a woman at her most vulnerable time. It's nasty and callous. Be your best self, stop all this.

@BackseatCookers of course. In theory. That's so the right and obvious thing to do.

The reality is not that simple. It's emotional and complicated and it's hard to not put myself first, even if that's only short term what I want/need.

The problem is how simple these things look from the outside. I'd never understand this if I weren't in it. But I am in it and I don't think of him as 'the AP' or 'her husband' or 'cheating asshole'. I just see my James (not real name) and how I feel about him. So it's hard to connect it all together.

I don't think it's simple at all, nothing is. Life isn't simple for people who don't have affairs either.

But the reality is that using that as an excuse to continue toxic and unhealthy behaviour does nothing but perpetuate that behaviour.

The 'nothing is black and white' argument falls down because most people understand that nothing is black and white, but many of us still make decisions that aren't damaging to ourselves or others despite all the grey areas we all have to navigate.

He is not a good man. You won't have won a prize if he ends up with you. He will only be with you if his wife kicks him out and he doesn't want to be alone. You're being complicit and selfish currently. You will feel so much better about yourself if you take the active choice to end this rather than waiting for him to do so and pining after him.

He's with her today, maybe looking at baby scans and talking about names and how they'll decorate the twins' room.

I'm not saying that to be a dick, I'm saying that because that's his real life. You are his secret life, the life he escapes to because reality is hard for everyone, but he isn't brave enough to leave for you or doesn't want you enough to do so.

I know that's shit to hear but dozens of people telling you yes he does adore you and it's ok to wish he'd leave his pregnant wife wouldn't do you any good.

You need some tough love from people who care about you and want more for you than this, but I'm guessing nobody knows?

I hear you @affor (and I hear the other PPs as well) but ultimately you have to do what’s right for you

@affor

Have you responded at all today to your AP?

You’re changing jobs very soon so (I know it’s easy for me to say) but it will make it slightly easier. At least you won’t have to see him/even on video calls everyday.

This lockdown is a good opportunity to get our heads straight.

My AP and I are politely messaging. As soon as I say anything slightly emotional he either ignores it and changes the subject or says ‘Ditto’!!! FFS!!! I know this guy isn’t right for me but I’m just so hooked on him. I need to follow my own advise!!!

@Confusedwife1 this is what mine is like. I literally cannot discuss feeling or anything or he gets really stroppy and ignores me
I think he's just emotionally damaged beyond repair

@Confusedwife1

No I haven't. It's been a few hours and normally I'd respond immediately/within 20mins at the most as I can hardly be 'too busy' at the moment!

Changing jobs will be a good excuse if I can bite the bullet. Harder short term as there'll be no chance of interaction but better long term than watching him go on pat leave.

The mad thing is he was the one who told me we would need to make a decision when lockdown was over. It never followed that script of me asking him to leave and him saying not yet.

@changemynamechangemynamewhen

What is wrong with these men?! Mine told me everything I wanted to hear and as soon as I fell for him it just totally stopped. Now like you say he goes stroppy. He’s said he’s been hurt by others before but I’ve stuck around for a year now and still he seems to not quite trust me enough. If I mention it he just ignores me and blames me and tells me to calm down. He says I’m like a dog with a bone

@affor

If my AP told me it was over I think it would be easier. I know he’s stringing me along and maybe he’s chatting to others? but I just can’t let go. Some days I am so sure he’s got someone else and then the next day I feel so bad for thinking badly of him and I’m back to square one

I don’t understand why finding out what a massive shit this man is isn’t an instant turn off.

I've had about 3 affairs with my current partner of 2 years. He's a nice guy but he just doesn't know how to really do it for me. We have a child together and we live together but I can't give up the excitement of being with someone new.

I haven't told him about any of them because I don't want to upset him but I have a feeling he will probably forgive me anyway eventually.

As for your question I think it's best to have affairs with people you don't want to have an attachment to so that it doesn't get too messy. I go for married men personally because they are just as inclined to keep it a secret as you are.

I don’t understand why finding out what a massive shit this man is isn’t an instant turn off.

I suppose for the same reason we see it on the boards all the time. How often are OPs asked why they stay with someone who treats them badly, and they simply say 'because I love him'.

It's even harder with an affair because the bad behaviour is against someone else. It's hard enough to leave a relationship when you're the one they're behaving badly to, let alone when it's someone else.

But he is behaving badly towards you. He is lying to you and manipulating you in exactly the same way as he is lying to his wife.

He was future faking you. Telling you there was a choice to make when he had already made his choice. He was conning you. Can you not see that?

You are in exactly the same position as his wife, only the poor woman is pregnant and can't just walk away.

You don't want to think he has behaved badly because you love him. But he clearly doesn't love you.

Do the right thing for yourself and for that poor woman.

It should come as no surprise that this practiced liar has also been lying to you.