Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

I absolutely agree with speaking / seeing multiple people and ideally not discussing personal life/being as anonymous as possible. Otherwise feelings become involved and it gets incredibly messy. If you go outside the agreed boundaries of an open relationship it is still betrayal

@PowerToTheMeeple the “I’m stressed/low sex drive/too emotional” is a common excuse. If he was very into you at the start and now isn’t he’s found someone else. I’m sorry to be blunt, I had to face the same reality.

You have a very understanding husband, like me. It sometimes breaks my heart how tolerant he is of my needs

I’m sort of going through this. We can go no contact for a few weeks and then he’ll message me again and I am so elated that he’s thinking of me and start chatting again. Trying to please him and then within a few days not even a week it’s back to the same old. Him blowing hot and cold with me. I know he’s no good for me but it’s like a drug. I think he enjoys the games and winding me up as I say straight away that’s he’s gone distant again and he just tells me to calm down and relax it’s all fine. It drove me crazy last year all the wanting me not wanting me. In my head I know he’s completely wrong for me but just the buzz I get from a message from him. It sounds ridiculous to even write.

@confusedwife1, why don’t u go on tinder and chat with more people. Will that help you? How is ‘this one person so important .

@Confusedwife1 this was basically me. I was always told to “calm down”, it’s basically gas lighting. They like the control and power. Speak to other people and ensure it’s anonymous. I assure you you’ll feel better and realise it’s not this man, it’s just a buzz of receiving a message 🤣🤣

@Fedup2020

I know he’s a complete narcissist but I just can’t seem to resist him. I feel like a complete saddo as I do know what he’s doing but when it’s great it’s amazing. More often than not it’s making me feel shit.
Even today/yesterday- he’s not very open and I ask a lot of questions. He answered something actually quite openly and rather than just being glad he answered I pushed more and then he answered quite shortly and went silent. I explained myself this morning and he read the message but didn’t reply for three hours by just asking me repeatedly how I am? He’s just waiting for my reaction to blow up. He says he doesn’t like it but I’m sure he does it on purpose. I never know if he’s giving me the silent treatment or he’s genuinely busy. When I don’t react I just get messages to check if I’m ok. Waiting for me to go off on one. It’s exhausting but I just can’t help going back each time. Any advice?

@Confusedwife1 yes I do have advice. Do yourself a favour and block him. You don’t need that shit in your life. I’m nearly 3 weeks no contact and I feel far better.

@Fedup2020

I’ve just been scanning the 23 pages to try and read your story. You seem incredibly strong and supportive. So thank you for that. We sound very very similar. How are you doing and how did you get to the point of being so strong about it?

I used to speak to my AP everyday. Some days for hours in total. Now it’s rare. Even in lockdown I messaged him today to say I was free for a good hour so try and fit me in for a phone call. He said he would. Then i hear nothing from him. Next time he messages me hours laters is ‘you ok?’ That means he knows I’ll be pissed off so he waiting for my reaction. All I want is for him say Sorry I couldn’t get free. Try again tomorrow.

Sorry to blab on about it but I have no one else to talk to it about

@Confusedwife1 ask yourself this. Do you want your happiness to be dependent on someone who treats you like this? Who just enjoys the control? He sounds like a narcissist.

I can assure you I was a mess a few weeks ago, but I just knew what had to be done for my own sanity. I also reminded myself I was coming off a drug. Do I miss the interaction, yes (the good stuff), but do I feel liberated from feeling so beholden to someone, yes I bloody do.

Just block him. Trust me. You feel like shit at first, but then so so soooooo much better

@Fedup2020

I know you are so right but it’s just so hard. I seem to get hung up on people and too attached. I blurt out my feelings hoping they’ll feel the same. I try to just write it in my notes and not send it but ‘occasionally’ it all gets on top of me and send it! I just want him to slightly apologise but he just seems to blame me all the time and I do end up apologising myself just for the sake of it.

You mentioned in another post that your husband knows stuff? If it’s not too personal what stuff does he know and how did you come to this arrangement?
Sorry I’m just so confused and have so many questions. I feel like a desperado!!!

He agreed we could have an open relationship so he knows what I do. I know I could never physically cheat. I’ve just posted on your other thread. You need to dump your AP and fix your marriage before you even think about an open relationship

@Fedup2020

I am so messed up!!! I don’t want to give up the great sex (that has turned into occasional) the rest of it is crap I know!

And people on the other thread are so judgy!!! I didn’t expect that. I was just asking a question!

How is everyone getting on? Anyone else managed to go NC or made a decision about what to do?

@affor 3 weeks now and loving the sense of freedom. I miss him a bit, but made the right decision and focus on my reality

@affor, still getting out to phone each other when we can, texting non stop. Know it's bad but he makes me so happy at the moment, it's what I need to get me through this

@Labradoodlesnoodles I'm the same as you. Don't think I could cope without this at the moment. Or at least don't want to have to.

@PeanutDouglas Well done! That's very encouraging. Was it your decision? How have they taken it?

@affor struggling here. Miss her loads. NC not getting any easier and still feels raw. Just plodding on though one day at a time. Hate the fact I feel I'm not moving on. Someone above said they love the sense of freedom. Cant wait to get there 😔

My decision. Not living my life beholden to anyone. They were hurt, but I had to do what’s best for me. You should do the same coz what you’ve got is all artificial nonsense

Hi All, Did you explain why NC or did you just cut them off? I suppose it depends on your situation. My AP is so up and down with me. Sometimes we text and used to talk before lockdown all the time and then he’s silent and I always end up chasing him. I try not to send a message but I just can’t resist. I feel so guilty not telling him why I’m no longer talking to him. Even though I shouldn’t. Sometimes when I chase him I’m really OTT nice to him and then others I’m questioning why he hasn’t texted me which he hates and then that just causes another row. I hate rowing on text!! I just want reassurance from him but I think if I don’t text him, he probably wouldn’t text me. That just kills me to think it all meant so little. Whenever I go on WhatsApp he’s online but not reading or respond to my messages. It’s just crap

@affor I talked to AP yesterday he said he is devastated without me, we have agreed we will have a serious conversation in person once it is allowed to decide how we are going to do things to be able to be together, he knows all the pain he is going to cause (as I am) but he said all he wants is to be with me. I feel a mix of emotions right now but I do want to discuss things with him and know that if we both decide to make the decision to leave our partners then we will give our best to make it work. Really scared but somehow happy.

Mine has intimated something today that has made me realise how i really do look to him and everyone else. I'm waiting around happy with the crumbs he gives knowing he'll never be mine.
I know I need to go NC but he's the most enigmatic attractive man I've ever known and I love his company

Thank you Fedup and Travel.

I think what makes it hard is that when we are together we just seem to fall into this comfortable pattern. He also deleted his Fab profile a number of months back and hasn’t joined back up. When I asked him why at the time he said it was because he had me, so didn’t need it. I can’t work him out really. I remember when we first met he was talking about a lady who he was seeing previously, apparently it got quite involved quite quickly and I think he got hurt. I remember thinking at the time ‘well that’s never going to happen to me’ yet here I am. I think telling him I loved him really ruined things, as the time we met after that we didn’t have sex. I ended up giving him two blow jobs over the course of the evening, then we went to an event and then came back to the hotel, kissed and slept. We did have sex the time after that and then we saw each other a couple of times to go and do things together before lockdown.

It feels like I’m on restricted messaging from him. For example he messaged last night and I responded early this morning (4am, couldn’t sleep). He read it around 8.30 but didn’t respond and as yet he hasn’t responded. This is something he doesn’t frequently, whereas generally I will message him back when I read the message.

I know he’s finding lockdown hard due to his living situation at the moment. We have events that we were attending together that have been postponed until later in the year. I think a part of me is afraid to let him go, I am really fond of him but I don’t think he will ever admit to feeling anything for me, even if he does. I don’t understand that if he’s so concerned about not letting feelings get in the way, he knows how I feel about him so why wouldn’t he end it?

@PowerToTheMeeple stay strong. You don't need him.

Well today I found out by accident that my APs wife is 6months pregnant with twins.

Feel completely floored. Putting aside (temporarily) what a shit he's been lying to me and doing this to her, even if he did want to leave her there's no way this works now.

The grief I feel for what I thought was something true and romantic is phenomenal. Much worse than any past break up.

Feel completely floored. Putting aside (temporarily) what a shit he's been lying to me and doing this to her, even if he did want to leave her there's no way this works now.

If he wanted to leave her and be with you despite this are you saying you would be open to that?!