Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

Evening, everyone. We know threads like this always create strong feelings and are likely to be divisive.

While opinions of all varieties are welcome we would ask you largely to try to keep the discussion to answering the OP and, while you're welcome to disagree, we think it's possible to do that without resorting to personal attacks or general insults.

Thanks.

Thank you Hebe

Thank you Hebe

Well Louby is very concerned about the pregnant wife’s physical health, she told us so, so I am sure having safe sex with her husband was at the forefront of her mind.

@Lostthewill80
I hope you don’t mind me asking but I’m wondering how it’s possible to know for sure that the child isn’t yours?

@Sacredspace dates don't coincide. 100% certain.

I am glad the thread is back on track, i wasn't sure to post again and get judged as usually on MN.

It has been now 20 days since I ended things with AP, we have had 2 very brief conversations since, mostly to know how I am doing and for my birthday, he said he misses talking to me.

I have days when I am sure this is the best decision and feel a bit better with myself to have ended it. Other days all I want is to run back to him. I am trying meditation to try and clear my head and also don't act impulsively and go back to where I was with AP.

Hope everyone is doing well :)

Started my affair (we’re both married - no kids) before lockdown.

It’s tough because I try to limit putting anything in writing (text or email) as neither of us want to wreck our marriages. This is completely selfish of us both and actually writing it down and admitting it makes me realise it won’t be continued.

"How to get over it" - read all the depressing affair posts from people on relationship and aibu whose husband's have been caught cheating and maybe then you'll all grow some empathy for someone other than yourselves.

@YouJustDoYou

You must’ve been hurt real bad were you?

Strawberry- why not just split? What’s keeping you with someone who don’t have kids with? I can sort of understand how things happen when kids are involved but don’t understand that.

Yes I was. As have been my mum, nan, aunt, friends, my cousin, my boss...endless, endless shit heads thinking only of their own feelings. So sad that that is how him and can be.

*humans

But of course it's ALWAYS the woman's fault. Its ALWAYS something they've done to the poor, poor man. Couldn't possibly be just the fact he just a shit human being.

I don’t know.

I still love my DH I suppose, it/was the thrill. He’s very different to my DH, looks and personality so maybe it’s just a different interest? Being with someone else, no questions, no explanations, just sex. We aren’t even in an emotional affair, we don’t discuss each other’s home or personal lives. Purely the chase, teasing over text and then we meet up.

Balls in both courts. It’s very very selfish.

Strawberry - Just saying be careful, I think a lot of affairs start as something physical, an attraction but can develop into something emotional and quite deep, that's when everything starts going bad!

I can feel mine pulling away at the moment, and am having to fight every instinct to react. I might be wrong but either way I'm just trying to sit back and relax about it.

It's for the best if it ends, and if it's his decision then it removes the power from me to be able to go back on it in the future. I'm not sure what's happened but it just feels a little different at the moment - somehow stilted - and I suspect it's that he is struggling to juggle all the demands on his time and I'm the easiest/right one to go.

And after lockdown ends I'll never have to see him again. We currently work together and see each other on video everyday. But I start a new job in a fortnight so what happens then will tell me all I need to know. Either out of sight out of mind, or a step up in communication.

It's hard though. My feelings for him are so strong that it's like I can see one version of my future slipping away. But I'm not in the market to convince anyone to be with me, so if he's already wobbling (we've only been having an affair for 6 weeks or so) then clearly this isn't what I thought it was.

Affor - I'm sorry to hear things are not going well. I am having a hard day today when all I am thinking is AP and being with him, I deleted his phone number but as we work together I have him on my work chat, it is so tempting....

As you said once you leave your job it will be up to him to make the effort and you will know what his intentions are. Are you single?

I understand about your feelings, I also have very strong feelings for AP, he mentioned in the past to give him until Sept to sort out things at home so he could leave, I thought about going ahead for a while but then the guilt hit me really hard. Part of me still fantasies if we both made the decision to leave and be together but I don't think I could do it

Affor, maybe it would be something for you to end and give you that power so you decided to end it, almost that final closure? Then you could consider moving on if you wanted too? Not sure if you feel ready to consider that.

I know with mine we had quite a few months building up via text before we actually slept together but it was instantly a flirty relationship from day 1 (we work together - so cliche hey!)

I got drunk and text him first, but he made it sexual. That went back and forth for months, we’ve managed to meet up a handful of times pre lockdown always on work business so it’s not obvious and we have a legitimate excuse.

We are very careful but I do have a constant worry DH is going to catch me out. Or his DW. I think this lockdown will actually make me see sense and not carry it on. I just don’t know, I know if he text or called to meet up I’d be there in a shot, and vice versa at the minute (although of course not an option with lockdown).

Luckily we don’t have any social media of each other so that keeps it clean for me not checking in on him everyday!

I know there’s enough judgment on affairs but I don’t even understand why I am doing it other than the excitement of it all. Which is just ridiculous when I type it down.

Been through something similar, I was basically being a garbage human and justified it to myself.
Partner had zero interest in me sexually, despite me being in good shape, I had to increase my anti-depressants and she wasn't being very understanding of that.
Suddenly this girl comes along, showing major interest, understanding the problems, everything I had been missing.

I realise now she was just saying everything I needed to hear, she went on and did the same to someone else and I don't think she realised how much it meant to me at the time.

I think I've become a better boyfriend now, as warped as it sounds, but it also means I'm still ignoring a lot of the problems that lead me to cheat in the first place. I talked to her and practically begged her to please improve our sex life but I'm not sure it's in her way.

I regret it, whilst also not regretting it? It's a bit backwards but people are complicated beasts.

@Arthurbloom could not resonate more. My DH is lovely but he makes zero effort unless he wants a shag but I never want too as I’ve had no attention, it’s almost like if I’ve done the shop, the cooking, everything else why should get your end away and that’s not really how it works either. I do everything, all the housework, organising, shopping, he sits most nights playing games with his online friends - we’ve had numerous arguments about it but nothing changes. However when he does make the effort it’s lovely.

I don’t regret what I am doing but I do at the same time cos it’s a shitty thing to do.

I’ve been with my DH 9 years and this is my first affair, I worry if I start I won’t stop.

I think lockdown is the best thing to happen to me as I simply cannot do anything with him.

It’s going to be a long few months.

I also deleted AP's number and have gone NC (due to a disagreement) just before lockdown.

I fluctuate from missing AP to knowing that it's the right decision.

I just want my life to go back to normal before this happened.

The PP posting about their situations has really helped me to stay strong, so thank you.

@Strawberry0998 I really feel you, eventually you crave that validation from elsewhere and can become someone you never really wanted to be. People make out it's selfish but it's not wrong to want something when you run the entire household, I think a lot of the affairs here seem to be because people want perfectly reasonable things that partners are refusing to complete or even discuss.

I really hope this works out or turns around for you

@taddie I completely get that, feel pretty much the same as you. Hearing from other people's stories does help a lot!

I know that what I have done is bad but yet I have all these feelings.... it is crap not to be able to tell anyone, all my own make though!

@Fedup2020 you describe my relationship!
Are you still apart?