Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

@Helpiamconfused yeah, I'm being sarcastic because it's a common theme that's thrown around by cheats "His wife doesn't understand him." "Her husband criticises her." Etc etc. When often the betrayed spouse has no idea what they've done wrong because there's never been a conversation about it.

Abuse is a bit different. I can see how people can become vulnerable to an affair. Still not convinced it's the right course of action though.

of course it isn’t the right course of action. But sometimes it can be hard to see the wood from the trees.

FWIW I didn’t use the “My DH doesn’t understand me” line. Quite the opposite actually. He understood me perfectly hence why he was able to control me so easily.

And in my case it was one time although we had been building an emotional connection for some time before that.

After that I left him. And then he rang my family and told them I’d gone missing even though he knew exactly where I was.

If I could go back I would have left five years earlier. But I didn’t, and as soon as we moved I’d been cut off from everyone because it was best for him.

And he worked all day in the week and on weekends took the DC out and expected me to stay at home. If I did go out some kind of emergency would occur meaning I had to go back.

You just can’t have the opinnion that it is always black and white when clearly it isn’t.

This thread is frustrating because me and other posters have said it isn't at all a black and white issue, it's and incredibly complex one. But that in many cases (where there isn't abuse) people DO often have affairs because they don't want to lose their family life but also want to sleep with someone else.

And in those cases, people who are sad their AP won't leave their husband / wife for them do need to have a sense check and not a pity party. The whataboutery on this thread makes it hard to have a sensible debate because I don't think that the majority of people who have affairs are in abusive relationships.

I believe they are in unhappy relationship where it would be inconvenient to leave - perhaps losing joint finances or having to move etc - but where it is possible to leave but they want to have the best of both worlds more than they want to leave and deal with the fallout.

Cases of abuse are entirely different and it feels like a cheap shot to use them to prop up arguments about cheating in cases where abuse isn't involved.

It is NOT black and white. No relationship issue is. It's complex, a grey area and totally individual. I've repeatedly said it's not black and white.

But I also believe that many people cheat because they can, because they get away with it and because they don't want to leave enough to do so but want to have sex with someone else enough they take a calculated risk.

I don't know how anyone can disagree that's the case for many people who have affairs?

Not all, but many.

@HoneyBeeHappy

just because one person believes they did nothing wrong in their relationship, doesn’t mean that no-one ever did wrong in a relationship before their partner cheated on them.

But some betrayed spouses aren't even made aware of what the problem is (until they discover the cheating, then suddenly their relationship is riddled with problems) ......at least they deserve to be told?

Do I think that I deserved to be put down, restricted in what I was allowed to do and where I was allowed to go, made to have sex just after I had my first child because they should know at my six week check that I’m capable of having sex so it had to be done?

This is horrific and of course you didn't deserve. Not everyone who cheats is subject to this type of abuse and I can't see how it can help the situation.

Oh and, if my partner wanted to leave then why on earth should I think he should stay with me? Surely we should all have better self worth than to want someone to stay who doesn’t want to be there.

This is exactly what I'm advocating though. Leave, don't cheat.

And @HoneyBeeHappy I also want to add that what you've gone through with your husband is awful. He's a cunt and you didn't deserve a single thing he did to you. I'm so sorry you've gone through all that

I’m the “wronged” party but I can see it’s not all black and white - but equally I don’t think people are always unhappy relationships. My DH had an affair and we were perfectly happy as a couple - in fact we booked and planned our wedding whilst it was going on - which he was very involved in.

In his case he was stressed with a new baby and he distracts himself when he’s stressed and he used it as something / someone he could control when life felt out of control for him. And he’ll admit he liked the thrill of it.

It’s in no way acceptable but people don’t always make good decisions and they don’t always really think through the consequences - they just think it’s a nothing really and they won’t get caught to justify it.

Unfortunately I’m the one picking up the pieces now emotionally as he did get found out - took years after it ended though.

And as for only fragile people would be suicidal - I’m pretty robust - no MH issues prior to this but I’ve been suicidal through the last year and am on anti depressants now suffering from PTSD from it all. Please no one underestimate the impact it can have on someone who thought they had a great life.

I think the thing with these threads is that invariably you’re going to get posters here who did have circumstances which led to an affair, because someone is unlikely to post that they saw cheating as a bit of fun because the husband/wife would never know.

I think that carrying on a prolonged affair with someone who keeps promising to leave their husband/wife “when the kids have left home/after her health is better/when she’s got a job” and the list goes on are incredibly naive and should get a bit of self respect.

I actually never promised my AP I was leaving my DH for him. Truth is I was leaving anyway once the affair was found out. That’s not to say I was using the AP, I genuinely did believe I loved him, but once I was away from eXH I realised that it was nothing of the sort and actually never speaking to him again wasn’t all that hard.

But I also think that if someone has an affair and that affair ends, while their feelings can be acknowledged, they do also need to step back and take a look at the reality. Very few relationships born out of affairs last. So if the reason for the affair is that you want to leave your DH then you should leave regardless.

When I split from my eXH my mum said it was a shame that me and OM hadn’t stayed together, because then all this wouldn’t have been for nothing. But actually I felt that OM gave me what I needed to leave, and given I realized at that point I wanted to leave I was prepared to do so regardless of OM.

Too many people are afraid to leave if the affair ends because they think they have nowhere to go. When actually they would likely have nowhere to go a few months down the line when the new relationship ends, so if they’re only leaving for OM then they’re leaving for the wrong reasons.

People should only ever leave a marriage for themselves.

My mum had an affair with a much younger man after years of emotional and physical abuse by my father. I caught them at it. I was 12. I was shocked and upset, yes, but I thought “good on her. She deserves something that makes her happy.” My dad had loads of affairs.

@HoneyBeeHappy very few examples of affairs on this thread are justified in my opinion. Many of them have all the hallmarks of your typical affair. Especially the ones who are obsessed with their married affair partner and believe every word they're told. When I was younger I had a friend that was sleeping with another friend's husband, she got pregnant by him and had an abortion. She never got discovered that time but she went on to do it over and over again with other men. Ruining her own life (her kind, wealthy husband left her) and that of others. Some people are just like that, there isn't always a 'reason'. Others will never cheat despite their circumstances.

@Fedup2020 didn't you post saying the same thing up thread? Except then you said you fell out with your mum because of it. Make your mind up.

Is there a chance we could get this thread back on track to the OP original question?
Its nice everybody has their own opinions on what affairs entail, the rights and wrongs, black vs white etc etc but moving on after an affair is difficult for those involved in it as well, not just the ones deceived. We're still human and still have emotions and feeling to process. Yes, these types of topics may not be liked by many, but support is still needed for those involved in the affair as well. It's still a breakup regardless of anything else.

@MLouise183 no, that wasn’t me 😂😂😂

@MLouise183 and I’ll happily accept your apology

@Lostthewill80 agreed. I’m unsure why the posters who are on here slagging off affairs are bothering. We all know the from a moral stand point they aren’t great, but It’s a support thread for someone going through something shitty. Some Just like to kick others when they’re down.

@Fedup2020 Oopps. Sorry. See how easy it is to do the right thing?

People are on here slagging off cheaters because lots of them wilfully inflict pain on others. Plus, it's an open forum where people are free to express their opinions.

But I'll leave you to your 'pity party' because quite honesty it's damaged my faith in humans.

@Lostthewill80 agree. 99.9% of the threads on here are in support of someone who's been cheated on. Understandably and rightly of course.

It's ok for us to want a to carve out one tiny thread to discuss the very real emotions of deciding to end and getting over an affair. It's not easy whatever people think and it's ok for us to want support in that.

@MLouise183 yes, you’re a saint 🤣

@Fedup2020 far from it. I just don't fu*k other people's husbands. Not exactly a high bar to be fair.

@Lostthewill80 totally agree with getting the thread back on track

@32andconfused. Yes I did, not for a while as I had DC to consider.
It wasn’t an easy decision to leave exh but I’m happy now.

@caramac04 did you leave exh to be with your AP or do you mean you got over it?

@32andconfused. Yes I left ex and lived alone with DC for a while but still seeing AP and everyone knew about him. We eventually bought a house together and some years later got married.
It was a difficult process at the time and I sometimes wonder if I was selfish or did I just need to improve my unhappy life. But ultimately my AP was a symptom and not the disease of my unhappy marriage and I’ve never been treated with such kindness and respect by anyone else in my life.

I’m going to use lockdown as an opportunity to get my ap out of my head! It will be at least 2/3 months until I see him again, if I have a job to go back to.

Recap on my position:
I am single, he isn’t
He appears to be in an unhappy relationship
We just clicked straight away
Have known him a year (he dropped subtle hints for the first 7 months, I ignored due to his relationship. All previous attempts were under the influence of alcohol. One day he broached it sober. I feel the same so let him know but obviously nothing could happen whilst he has a girlfriend.
Since then I guess it became an emotional affair. Intensifying as time went on.
We get on really well, sexual chemistry is through the roof and we would make an awesome couple.

When I next see him again I will treat him just like any other guy and detangle myself from this. I will tell him I’m only interested in single men. And carry on as a single girl.

Same as caramac. I left and started a new life with AP.
My marriage wasn't a happy one.
It wasn't easy at the time at all but it was absolutely the right thing to do and I am much happier now.
ExH moved on very quickly also and is now engaged and they have a child together.
He likes to say we separated because I had an affair. The reality is quite different.

@ladymary86 your post resonates with me. My ex can’t see he had anything to do with my unhappiness. If my unhappiness was my fault then I was right to change things.