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Original poster

Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

997 replies

bloomingdalelovely · 07/04/2020 18:41

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

OP posts:
Dadaist · 16/04/2020 22:14

I’m afraid there are posters on here who still operate in an emotionally adolescent way- in which they talk of changing partners - falling in and out of love - ‘shoulda coulda woulda ended things first’ like they are 15 years old.
So just to raise the bar a little - we are talking about people with children, in marriages, who have take the step to commit to one another so that they aren’t always looking over their shoulder. People making vows, not people ‘going steady’ and two timing or people who think adolescence lasts forever!

Bool · 16/04/2020 22:46

@dadaist ah so we should stay together whatever. Here’s to emotional adolescence if that is what you think.

Justamassivefart · 16/04/2020 23:17

If you block someone there is no expectation of them contacting you so you know there is not a reason to check nor to feel disappointed.

It also creates a new neural pathway in your brain so you break the addiction of getting their attention.

If he got together with someone while with you and he gives you crumbs of attention just enough to pull you back in, then I think he sounds like a narcissist. Please see narcsite.com it’s an interesting read regarding stuff like this

CoronaIsShit · 16/04/2020 23:32

ah so we should stay together whatever.

I’m incredulous at some of the posters on this thread. The things people tell themselves to feel better about their abhorrent behaviour eh!

Nobody should ‘stay together forever’ if one of a couple likes the look of someone else and wants to jump them. All they have to do is tell their partner their intentions so they can decide for themselves if they want to share a bed with someone who’s just been in bed with someone else Hmm. All this bullshit of we couldn’t help ourselves, it just happened is just that, bullshit as is the self pity of the scummy cheats and liars on this thread.

SadSausage44 · 16/04/2020 23:41

Sorry, nope, doesn't matter how you try to phrase it, you're still wrong for cheating on your partner, no matter what the situation is.
If you get to the point where you have serious feelings for someone else, start to see them, text them, focus on them, start to lie to your partner, you do the decent thing and separate. Then you see if the relationship goes anywhere, without completely devastating the partner you're with.
You don't get to pick and choose. I wish to god my ex had had the balls to leave me before there was anyone else involved, but he didn't, so not only do I have to contend with the fact I lost my husband, my entire life, my home, everything, I now have to deal with the thoughts of him touching, fucking, talking to, sneaking around with..... He is disgusting and so is she, she knew he was married.
I'm so tired of hearing cheater's bullshit excuses. You are cowards, you want to have your cake and eat it. You are, quite frankly full of shit, weak, fickle people, there is no excuse. But you all carry on and try to justify your utterly selfish, shitty behaviour on here, maybe one day it will happen to you, if it does, I promise you, your opinion on this matter will change completely.

Dadaist · 17/04/2020 06:17

@Bool
“ah so we should stay together whatever. Here’s to emotional adolescence if that is what you think.“

So if you assume that the only alternative to staying with someone forever is cheating on them - then yes - that’s exactly the emotional immaturity I’m talking about.
But yes - it’s clear that cheaters tell themselves all kinds of nonsense to try and rationalise their shitty behaviour. So much so that they even test it out on forums like this where their selfish entitled immaturity is just so obvious.
As I’ve said - either you really shouldn’t be with the person you are cheating on, or they sure as hell shouldn’t be with you.

Fedup2020 · 17/04/2020 09:12

@Justamassivefart this is exactly right. It’s about self preservation and allowing yourself that time to get over it. You can only do this by not focussing on the object of your lust/love. I’m pretty sure my AP is a narcissist, the love bombing to get me hooked, control freak, then giving just enough to keep me hooked. I actually don’t get how his wife deals with him. His kids hate him

Fedup2020 · 17/04/2020 09:13

Just to add, blocking him felt like the biggest relief

BackseatCookers · 17/04/2020 10:13

So if you assume that the only alternative to staying with someone forever is cheating on them - then yes - that’s exactly the emotional immaturity I’m talking about.*

This.

YouJustDoYou · 17/04/2020 10:18

So if you assume that the only alternative to staying with someone forever is cheating on them - then yes - that’s exactly the emotional immaturity I’m talking about

^^THIS! But then, they immature so I wouldn't expect them to understand this concept until they grow as a human being.

Womenwotlunch · 17/04/2020 10:32

This thread is an eye opener.
I think that it is a myth that people have affairs because they are unhappy in their relationships. Sometimes it’s simply because they are bored, but still want the stability of marriage and kids. Of course there
One thing that I am curious about is whether those having an affair use protection.
The thought that someone could not only cheat on their partner, but also compromise their partner‘a health is what bothers me.

Sosounhappy · 17/04/2020 11:02

Mine didn't!

affor · 17/04/2020 12:23

We do, yes.

MLouise183 · 17/04/2020 12:29

@Sosounhappy Mine didn't. Nice.

Did you not care that he could have slept with his wife hours before you? Or did you believe him when he said he wasn't having sex with her? Or did you just not care?

This helps to confirm what I think about cheats and poor morals.

What the fu*k is wrong with people.

Sosounhappy · 17/04/2020 13:06

I believe him. Do I care about myself no to he honest. Left an abusive marriage was I stupid yes. Will I get an std check when lockdown is over yes

MLouise183 · 17/04/2020 13:24

@Sosounhappy Why are you doing it then? It's making you feel like shit. Everyone should care about themselves.

Sosounhappy · 17/04/2020 13:31

I left my now ex husband and am no contact with AP

Helpiamconfused · 17/04/2020 13:32

@SadSausage44, you have told us how your man treated you. Do you expect me to believe you were the most lovely, supportive, helpful partner before he cheated?

Maybe you were. Maybe you were not.

As many people here have posted, some cheat because they choose to, others cheat because their wives or husband were being abusive, etc etc etc. And abuse is not just physical. It could be name calling, financial control, debasing, dominating in all decisions, refusing to engaging in sex as a punishment, putting someone down

I have no right to say what it was in your case.

But you know what my grand mother taught me: there is always two sides to a story, and the truth often lies in the middle

MLouise183 · 17/04/2020 13:45

@Helpiamconfused Do you expect me to believe you were the most lovely, supportive, helpful partner before he cheated?

Of course not, she had to have deserved it right?

Helpiamconfused · 17/04/2020 13:54

@MLouise183, I know you are being sarcastic. And I think I get your message.

My point is simple, life is complicated. Ask any relationship counselor, they will tell you that often, there are 3 truths in a marriage, the wife’s truth, the husband’s truth, and the truth in the middle (in same sex relationships, it’s still same. 3 truths).

Because of that, while I have all the empathy for the cheated partner, I know life is so complicated, and reasons for cheating is too. For that reason, I will not judge nor condemn a cheater, until I know his/her truth, the truth of the cheated partner, and the truth in the middle.

Imolilo · 17/04/2020 14:25

@Fedup2020 the narcissist thing resonates

HoneyBeeHappy · 17/04/2020 14:40

Of course not, she had to have deserved it right? Who said anything about the cheated on party deserving it.But there are almost always two sides to every story.

Do I think my DH deserves to be cheated on?No I don’t.

Do I think that I deserved to be put down, restricted in what I was allowed to do and where I was allowed to go, made to have sex just after I had my first child because they should know at my six week check that I’m capable of having sex so it had to be done?

Being told inn front of my child when they told DH that I had volunteered to go into their preschool “no you’re not.”

Being told that we had to move away from all my friends and family and support because it was best for his job? Even though I was expected to stay a SAHM in a completely different place? Even his colleagues at work apparently told him that if he wasn’t careful I would leave and he just laughed it off.

But I suppose as a cheated on party you would argue that the reasons he did all this were because of the bad person I was. Even though all that started years before I ended up having an affair.

It is unreasonable to think that it’s that simple. It isn’t. And just because one person believes they did nothing wrong in their relationship, doesn’t mean that no-one ever did wrong in a relationship before their partner cheated on them. But of course cheating overrides everything right? The bloke could be knocking seven bells of shit out of the woman but as soon as she had an affair he would become a victim.

Oh and, if my partner wanted to leave then why on earth should I think he should stay with me? Surely we should all have better self worth than to want someone to stay who doesn’t want to be there.

BackseatCookers · 17/04/2020 14:45

But of course cheating overrides everything right? The bloke could be knocking seven bells of shit out of the woman but as soon as she had an affair he would become a victim

Eh?! I would be staggered if you could find a thread on MN or elsewhere where a woman posted to say she was having an affair while in an abusive marriage where her husband was beating the shit out of her and anyone at all positioned him as a victim.

Ridiculous suggestion, nobody would say he was the victim regardless of her cheating or not - it undermines your position in the debate by saying things like that.

suggestionsplease1 · 17/04/2020 14:59

@HoneyBeeHappy

I don't know why you're so fixated on this issue that other bad things happen in relationships - of course they do! Nobody on this thread has disagreed with that.

It's not a top trumps game of which bad thing is worst, and you appear to be viewing cheating as a kind of retalliation for other bad things that happen in relationships - that's no way to go about a life. If bad things are happening in a relationship, a person should just leave or if they think things can be worked on to become tolerable then do that.

HoneyBeeHappy · 17/04/2020 14:59

@ BackseatCookers you would hope not. But the fact is that there are posters on this very thread who say that it really is black and white and that if you want out of a relationship then you just leave. So actually, those posters would need to acknowledge that no, it’s not always that simple and that there would be situations where a woman’s affair could be explained even if it couldn’t be justified.

You just can’t have the opinnion that it is always black and white when clearly it isn’t.