Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

@MLouise183 yes you are correct. And in an ideal world that would happen. But many many other things come into play here. Life is messy. Sometimes people need the time with both to fully realise who they wish to be with. Sometimes there are practical or monetary reasons. It is harsh but it happens. Ultimately tho I agree completely that decisions need to be made swiftly and completely and people cannot drag on and ‘use’ the other with no intent of ever leaving their current partner. That is bad. To want to do this double life thing indefinitely. On that I fully agree. Leading someone on with no intent ever to leave is unforgivable. But sometimes a bit of overlap happens.

Maybe people should stop committing to marriages. Maybe if people were more financially independent, shared finances couldn't be used as an excuse for staying and cheating instead of leaving. As for children, it is far more damaging to learn a parent has cheated. Whilst separating is still painful, at least it's honest. I don't buy many of the 'complex' reasons cheaters give for staying. I think maybe those are the ones that needs to be more 'resilient' and have a bit of courage to do the right thing.

But why do children have to know a parent has cheated? Only if one parent lashes out to the detriment of the kid. Why should people not commit to the romance of marriage. Shit happens. Maybe it breaks down. We are human. Sometimes it is not even money but physical practicality. In the end though I completely agree that it is not a medium or long term arrangement. That is cruelty. I am just saying that short term sometimes some overlaps happens. Life is not black and white.

@MLouise183 it’s a fair point, I think in future people will move away from marriage more and it will become more common to move on from the idea of a ‘lifelong relationship’. At the moment this is still the social norm, even though divorce is obviously commonplace there’s still stigma around it, especially where children are involved, there is social pressure to stay in a marriage as long as there’s no abuse because people think that’s what’s best for the children and you haven’t ‘tried hard enough’ if you want to walk away. People don’t value personal happiness over keeping the family together. It’s naive to think this pressure doesn’t exist or affect people or that situations aren’t complex.

Why should the betrayed parent protect the dishonest one? They don't owe them anything. Part of the reason so many people freely cheat is because of the lack of consequences. I think you choose to take the risk of your children finding out if you cheat. Teenage children might work it out or even ask why the relationship broke down.

@Confused866 I'm not saying social pressure doesn't exist. I'm saying its easier now to leave a relationship than ever. Maybe people have to me more resilient to 'social pressures' and stop treading all over innocent people.

@MLouise183 but again, saying ‘innocent people’ over simplifies it when a lot of situations are much more complex than that. The cheated on partner isn’t always some innocent angel, they may have done their share of things wrong as well or hurt their husband or wife in other ways. It’s often complicated. And no I don’t agree that children should be dragged into the details of their parents marriage - it may be tempting to do that as a way to hurt the cheater but in the end it mainly hurts the children. That applies whether we’re talking about cheating or other arguments and issues between the parents. None of it is the children’s fault and they can’t understand adult relationships, nor should they be put in a position to take sides. I know children who have been put in this position and I think the parent who is doing it (the cheated on party) is just as responsible for hurting the dc as the other parent who cheated. Kids should be left out of it.

@MLouise183 why should the betrayed parent protect the honest one

I know it is hard to believe but they do it for the kids. Both the betrayed partners in our situation didn’t tell the kids. I respect them even more for that. It is the adult thing to do. The kids are intact. They have no idea and don’t need to. All parents are intact. They have found other happy relationships.

None of it is the children’s fault and they can’t understand adult relationships, nor should they be put in a position to take sides. I know children who have been put in this position and I think the parent who is doing it (the cheated on party) is just as responsible for hurting the dc as the other parent who cheated. Kids should be left out of it.

This. Leave the kids out of it please.

This is a really horrible thread. Sorry to say but your partners deserve much better. Yes people make mistakes but then to carry on hunky dory while your partner has no clue is so disgusting.

Everyone on here is either feeling self pity or justifying their deceit. You did this to yourselves! And whatever you feel, your partners would feel much worse knowing someone they trusted and loved was cheating on them.

If you're the single one in the relationship, just tell yourself it's all a farce. If someone can cheat on their spouse it means they can cheat on you too! Leave the silly romances and fantasies and snap back to reality. Do it for yourselves!

Yes you can hate on me but I really don't care.

It takes extremely bad mental health to even consider suicide and that is very complex and not just simply caused by a cheating partner.

Fuck off. I have robust mental health, and being cheated on drove me to the verge of self harm because it was so painful.

It takes extremely bad mental health to even consider suicide and that is very complex and not just simply caused by a cheating partner.

Someone convincing you you've gone mad and are being paranoid, anxiety about being pushed away by a partner etc etc - there are so many ways this kind of thing can affect the unknowing partner once they know, unfaithfulness in itself it's a complex issue.

People can absolutely become suicidal due to the complex and multifaceted ways an affair can affect them. It grinds them down, they lose their confidence, self worth, intimacy and often their confidant.

People fall out of love all the time, that's just real life. If someone meets someone and they never knew what they were missing but side you realise they were missing it then that's life. But you leave. You don't skulk around behind your partners back and make them feel shit. You don't lie to their face when questioned about it. You don't do all that and then say well they obviously weren't stable anyway if they feel suicidal. No, perhaps they didn't feel suicidal until the complex and devastating consequences of the behaviours during an affair. It's not the leaving that fucks up the person cheated on, it's the lies and betrayal.

If people want to be with someone else then it's so unbelievably selfish to have an affair rather than being brave and leaving their partner to become healthy and successful coparents instead of being deceitful.

@Blessex leaving without cheating would've been 'the adult thing to do'. It's so hypocritical to talk about 'leaving the children out of it'. The cheat wasn't so concerned with the child's welfare when they were cheating!

@Confused866 I'm not suggesting that the cheated on spouse is innocent in all areas of the relationship but in all honesty, I can't think of much that justifies cheating. It's also important to remember that lots of people cheat because they can get away with it. Not everyone who cheats is unhappy in their relationship or in love with the AP (you can tell that from this thread).

Ive honestly tried to be understanding of people on this post but all I see is pitiful justifications.

@Blessex I do wonder if you'll be so understanding of your partner 'overlapping' in a few years time because, you know, there's so many lovely people out there. I hope you'll be resilient and not 'mope' around after him.

@MLouise183 that’s fine and I respect your stance on it, all I’d say is that life is really more complicated than ‘right and wrong’ and the person doing the cheating may have mental health / emotional issues going on themselves. I just dont think it’s at simple as ‘cheater = evil person’. Life can take turns you didn’t expect and I also think a lot more cheating goes on than ever gets found out about, so friends or family members that you love and respect may have cheated for a while host of reasons. They’re still the person you know and love.

Some people are just selfish and cheat because they can and they don’t care, but most situations aren’t as clear cut as that. There’s a whole spectrum, humans don’t just fit into good or bad boxes.

@Confused866 family members have cheated and it has really tainted them for me and I don't respect them. I wouldn't stay friends with someone who was a cheat either. How could you honestly trust them with anything? I'm glad lots of cheating goes unnoticed because I honestly find it so depressing.

@MLouise183 fair enough if that’s how strongly you feel, I think it’s a shame to go through life so rigid in your thinking though and so unwilling to be open minded to different situations. I guess some people really do see things in a very black and white way and some people see the greys. It’s interesting.

I know how awful it all is. I never in a million years thought I would be messing around with a married man. My mum cheated on my dad. He never got over it. She was seeing a married man but he wouldn't leave his wife. I found a letter she was writing to him. I was 15 and told her how disgusted I was. We fell out for years.

@Confused866 I've tried to understand, but I'm yet to hear of a case of cheating that I thought was justified. There's always a 'less painful option' in my opinion. Every case I've heard of has left someone heartbroken, humiliated or deceived. It's so traumatic, often for all involved. So I guess I am rigid in my thinking when it comes to cheating. You can either convince yourself it's ok (justify it) or you can't.

My affair which was never discovered by his wife has left me wondering how many people get away with it

I think many people get away with it - it might be exciting and intoxicating for the pair who are in the throes of an unstoppable passion, but for the partner at home.... they are left suspecting that something has changed, doubting themselves - maybe even thinking they have done something wrong themselves to be given the cold shoulder or lack of affection. I'm pretty sure it's always obvious, even if the deceitful ones think they are getting away with it, they are no doubt giving off all sorts of signals.

That's what I find so sad. There's no black and white when it comes to affairs, just leave the primary relationship if you want to sleep around. The thrill of new sex is surely not worth the destruction of someones or multiples peoples mental health. Not to mention destroying a child's view of adult relationships. Some of the posters above are deluded, and shallow @Confused866.

@MLouise183 If my DH decided because wanted to be with somebody else then no I wouldn’t mope around about it or try and self-harm. That’s his decision. I am not in anyway saying that cheating is the ‘right’ thing to do. I already said that. All I am saying is life sometimes isn’t black and white. Every situation is also different. I agree that somebody have a long term affair that drags on with no intent of leaving their other partner is unforgivable.

@Blessex I hear a lot of cheaters saying 'It isn't black and white' but it really is. You choose to cheat or you don't . Whilst there are many varying circumstances, cheating is still a choice. I think humans in general need to be more honest with each other, then maybe less people would be suffering on all sides of the fence.

So for the last year I’ve been involved with someone I work with, I feel bad because they were with someone who we also work with and had been with them for 15 years. I struggled with it all at first as it was the first time I’d been attracted to a woman, it made me question a lot of things from my past relationships with men and why they didn’t work out. We fell in love and she wanted to leave her partner, they had become friends more than lovers for the last 8 years of their relationship, no sex and she stayed cause it was familiar but she wasn’t happy. But because it had been her life for so long she was very anxious about leaving it as she suffers from anxiety. She finally told her other half in January that she wanted to end things and they agreed to stay in the flat as they had separate rooms to be able to stay in, she wanted to be with me but again was doing what the other half wanted as she didn’t want to cause upset. But we spent most weekends together from January. Obviously with all the covid stuff going on and our workplace being closed and the thought of not being able to see each other she moved in with me and my daughter (who is 8). She has known all along I have a child and has spent a lot of time with her when she has been here, she doesn’t have children and admits herself that she her old life was very different to the one I have. My daughter doesn’t see her father so she is with me full time. Well 3 weeks after moving in with us, she was really struggling with things, her anxiety was getting worse, as she was struggling with the covid situation of lockdown and that we are all on top of each other 24/7 and dealing with a very different lifestyle so she moved back to her flat. Supposedly just while lockdown is on as all her stuff is there and then come back to us after it’s all over. However now she isn’t sure if she will be. She says that she wants to be with me and loves me and that me and her fit but that my life is very different to the one she is used to and she doesn’t know if she can deal with life with a child in it as my priority is obviously my daughter and she is used to being someone’s main priority. I’m heart broken, I love her and it’s like a love I’ve not felt with a man before. I’m also angry as she’s known I have a child all this time and I feel like she has and continues to keep me in limbo land of what the heck is going on. Am I just expected to wait around until after lockdown is over, just for her to then say she doesn’t think she can deal with a life with a child in it. Thing is my daughter will get older and get to a point where she doesn’t want to hang out with me as much and therefore we will have more time together but she can’t seem to see that.

Sorry I know that’s a long post but needed to get it off my chest!
What would people do? Would you wait around or would you say, I’ve given you plenty of chances and waited around long enough?

I think only you can answer the what to do. Lockdown is an odd situation no time apart and no chance for babysitters or any time just the two of you though