Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

This is me as well.
Lockdown has resulted in the end of it, it had been going on for nearly a year.
It’s my fault but I am heartbroken. The AP has found lockdown too hard and has without warning blocked me and gone.
This is only day one for me but I’m finding it hard to focus on anything or think of anything else.
My marriage isn’t great and dh isn’t very nice quite a lot of the time, so being here with him is hard anyway. I miss my AP so much, I know it’s partly because it wasn’t real life, but I love them much.
I know I have to let it be, I have to let it go but fuck it’s hard.

@Hidingtonothing85 was there no build up to it ending? No push/pull etc or has he just blocked due to the current situation? If it's the latter I'll guarantee a return once lockdown has lifted. If hes married and at home with the wife he'll be panicked so blocking you is the safest for now.

No - they are single - recently.
Waiting for me.

Are you sure they have blocked not just a phone problem

@Hidingtonothing85 are you not prepared to leave your dog?

😬 dh not dog

No - it’s not the first time this has happened.

I would like to leave dh and had been to see the solicitor etc but lockdown has stopped any further progress. I want to leave anyway, aside from AP.
It must be hard for AP to know I’m here with dh. The whole thing isn’t fair on anyone - I think probably removing myself from AP’s life and DH’s life is the best thing.

For those who are having/ had an affair - Are you not worried that your dh/dp may one day find out about your affair.?
Do you suspect that they may even know ?
How would you feel if your dh/ dp/dw were to have an affair?

@Womenwotlunch

I'm personally not worried about her finding out. The reality is there is no proof other than my AP spilling the beans and she has lots to lose too so doubtful that would happen. However if it does come out, then I'll accept everything that comes at me and deal with it then.
My wife has always been a bit "jealous" and thinks every woman on earth is after me. Far from the truth of course, but it can be draining when I have genuine female friends I feel conscious talking too.

If she had an affair, I honestly dont know what id feel or think. Karma? maybe. Jealous? I dont think I would. I'd probably understand more than anything else because of where I am currently.

@Lostthewill80- thanks for answering

He's vanished on me twice. Then came back apologized and I let him back in. I'm so weak.
He's spoken to me a bit more today but no I miss yous, or can't wait for us to see each other. Just talking about the kids and schooling. He said his wife sleeps in bed half the day. I said that must piss you off, he said it happens every day so I'm used to it

@womenwotlunch

I'm not worried about dh finding out. Ap has just as much to lose as me and we've never spoken about leaving and being together.

If dh was to have an affair I'd be hurt and surprised. Highly hypocritical I know.

@Lostthewill80 I wouldn't keep telling yourself that there's no proof. Many people get caught out in ways they can't imagine ever happening. Your story strikes a chord with me, probably because I can't imagine anything worse than someone pretending to love me when they love someone else. The fact that you wouldn't be jealous if your wife cheated should tell you all you need to know. She's probably jealous because she feels so unloved by you.

I joined so I could talk about this. I’ve had what ‘AP’called a friends with benefits relationship for over a year.
I’m not going to sugar coat it. It’s not pretty. It’s not love or romance or anything (although I convinced myself it was for a time)

I’m trying to work out why I cannot let go of something/someone who has caused me so much pain. I’m struggling to detach but I know I should and it would be a relief to be free.

We worked together for a while and he pursued me, messaging me etc. I wasn’t interested, just thought he was arrogant and vain. Made a real pass at me on a night out and I just thought - why not, just one night. He’s very attractive. How naive. It coincided with a time when I really was feeling low - ft stressful work long hours, 3 kids, housework all weekend never went out with Dp.

We then progressed to occasional nights away in hotels, texting on and off. And the longer it went on the more involved I got. It wasn’t love - just chasing that high. But we had a lot of laughs, alit if fun.

I blocked him last year because I was convinced he was also sexting a colleague (I could tell and would occasionally get ‘stray’ texts) He denied it. Gaslighted me. Crazy woman etc .I chose to believe him. Thought I could handle it.

A few months ago I was actually close to a breakdown due to the way he was treating me. He would text and chat constantly and then I’d hear nothing. I confronted him again and he couldn’t deny it but gave me some old guff about needing to stop, guilty etc yeah right. (Clearly a new infatuation on the scene)

Blocked each other but still in touch and it’s starting again. He veers from being a complete bastard to being very sweet and funny. He’s a good friend when sex isn’t in the equation.

I had a miserable few weeks without him and we always text each other, almost every day.

I am a fool. Risking so much for this idiot. Hurting everyone around me. And I just don’t know why.

The guilt and lack of self respect kills me. Yet I can’t let go.

@ilomilo it’s an addiction and you are chasing a high. I assume the few kind caring words make up for all the shit he puts you through don’t they? One kind word and all is forgiven, only for him to do it to you again? Only you have the power to stop this and you need to stop it, not for the sake of anyone else, but your own sanity. Where is this going? Nowhere. So what’s the point? Block and focus on you. Trust me the withdrawal will be hellish, but think of it as coming off a drug coz from a brain perspective, it is

I am a fool. Risking so much for this idiot. Hurting everyone around me. And I just don’t know why. The guilt and lack of self respect kills me. Yet I can’t let go.

What are you doing to try?

Counselling? Reading up on relationships? Figuring out if you want to be single or stay married?

Refreshing to hear someone at least acknowledge they're hurting everyone around them.

Isn't imagining the faces of those people when they find out what you've done enough to stop you contacting this dickhead?

Haven't you already risked enough for someone who doesn't hold a candle to your family?

He said his wife sleeps in bed half the day. I said that must piss you off, he said it happens every day so I'm used to it

Oh poor ickle man, bless him and his terrible awful wife. #SARCASM.

Jesus, these fucking arseholes really have got you all wrapped around their little fingers. THEY. LIE. TO. GET. VAGINA. AND. ATTENTION.

They lie about their wives. They lie about their relationships. They lie about their feelings. They lie about their feelings for you. They lie to their wives. They lie to their family. They lie to their children. They say whatever needs to be said to a) keep the poor wife dangling along and b) keep you dangling along and believing the bullshit.

Cheating utterly destroys lives, forever. It destroys peoples trust and belief in themselves. It makes people want to commit suicide. It destroys how they see men forever. It shatters a child's trust in the man they thought was trustworthy, and is actually just a vile nasty piece of shit looking for attention and sex elsewhere because he's a dumb immature shit that forgets grass isn't greener on the other side, it's just the same fucking bill-paying, grocery shopping, school run, daily grind grass, just this time in a woman who is willing to sneak around and lie and cheat and be deceptive. Who on earth actually wants to be with someone capable of all that?

When my mum found out my dad was cheating, she tried to kill herself. When I found out years ago my dh was cheating, I wanted to kill myself. I spiralled in a downwards cycle of self hatred, alcoholism, and I have a permanent utter distrust of men. When my friend found out her dh was cheating, after he left her and his children to shack up with the ow and her kids, she would sob, making these horrible noises, on her bathroom floor, just sobbing and sobbing and sobbing. It broke her. Utterly broke her. Her daughter's still hate him, they hate women like the ow.

Don't see him again, because it is NOT HEALHTY. It is a terrible, terrible, utterly selfish life choice that is based on deception, lies and dishonesty and deceit and if people find out YOU will be part of destroying their lives. Better yourselves. Leave if it's so bad, but for fucks sake don't fuck other people's husbands just because you "like the thrill", or "I'm soooo neglected".

It was really tough. But I knew that it had to be done if I wanted to save my marriage.

For days I just felt sick. There was a constant knot in my stomach. But as each week went by it got easier. I had to delete everything for my own sanity.

What did make it easier was that my husband knew. So I didn't have to hide any of my moping around.

I'm now 7 months in and I still think of him but it's just in passing moments.

I married him. Still not over him

What I find very odd is that people think that because they are in a relationship with someone or married to them that they somehow ‘own’ them forever despite if they other person wants to be with them or not. Sometimes relationships don’t work. You cannot force people to stay together. I hope this horrible situation we are in now with this pandemic will make people put things in perspective a bit more and go and be with the person that makes them happy. And those who are left to be a bit more resilient to get on with life and not mope after a relationship that was obviously over.

@Blessex I agree with this. It’s not overly realistic for everyone to stay in a relationship for 40+ years happily, that’s why the divorce rate is 50%, and of the 50% who don’t divorce there’ll be many marriages that aren’t happy or great but just plod along. Yes of course cheating is not a nice thing to do to someone else but it happens more than people realise, it’s human nature to have your head turned if your relationship is lacking but it’s not always practical or easy to just leave a relationship / marriage. I think the cries of ‘affairs cause suicide’ are madness. A person should never be blamed for the suicide of someone else, affair or not. It takes extremely bad mental health to even consider suicide and that is very complex and not just simply caused by a cheating partner. If cheaters are total scum then why would you be so devastated to lose that person and commit suicide or spend the rest of your life bitter and miserable? There is another option - move on with your life and find happiness elsewhere.

@confused866 maybe people now living in this total shitshow of a pandemic will indeed put this kind of stuff in perspective. Why should people have to stay in a relationship they are unhappy in. Life is short. I think this pandemic is making people realise that. We are both happier than we have ever been. Our children can see it. Our friends can see it. Affairs are not all evil. I agree if there are suicidal thoughts they are coming from other deep mental health issues which of course need addressing but I would be totally scare if I was with a partner who would contemplate killing themselves if I left. That is really scary.

Agreed, no one should be made to feel that if they leave someone they will commit suicide and it’s all their fault. Whether it involves cheating or not. Cheating is a fact of life, its a risk when you enter a relationship that the other person may hurt you one day - that’s the point, if you love someone then they have the power to hurt you. It’s always a risk. And people hurt each other in more ways than just cheating. Lots of people who end up cheating have been hurt by their partners in other ways and they’ve lost some respect for them. Of course two wrongs don’t make a right but this blanket view of the cheater being evil scum and the cheated on partner being a completely innocent victim is so naive. Sometimes it may be that way but often not. People and relationships are complex.

@confused866 hear hear. And by the way both our partners are now with other people and are also happier than ever. We need to lose this view of being locked down forever. There are lots of lovely people out there not just one and shock horror you may be better suited.

@Blessex I don't think the problem is with people 'leaving' other people. Yes leaving someone is upsetting but cheating on them is so damaging. I actually think it's very cruel to stay with someone you don't love or are cheating on. Nobody has to stay married to someone they don't want to nowadays. Choosing to leave is massively different to choosing to cheat.