Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

@User2596 do you not have to see him in the mean time virtually?

Mine is my boss (I know, I know) and so he leads our team calls every day. Thankfully I'm in the process of leaving jobs which should make all this easier either way.

@Helpiamconfused I'm having an affair with a woman, being a woman myself. It's been almost 2 years, I have a long term male partner and 2 children. I've been trying to end it for some time but find it incredibly hard to do so and am finding things even more difficult in the current situation. Every situation is different is what I would say and things are rarely as straightforward as they seem.

Sorry it won't let me @ people.. there has been a development in the last day or so and let's just say he's shown his true colours and I've very much woken up. It's all still pretty painful but it's certainly onwards and upwards for me now. Turns out he has form for this. I'm glad he let me know. An absolute waster! Praying for the light at the end of the tunnel now.. feel sick today and full of regret.

Two cats keep going you will get there. Mine also showed his true colours. He just wanted sex on his terms didn't care about me. No idea what he thought about his wife poor woman. No doubt he has moved on to his next affair

Soso, I'm really sorry to hear this. For me personally, I think this has been about my anxiety and how I feel about myself.. on top of, strangely, anxiety about the pandemic. I don't know how I'm going to feel when I go back to work, I'm going to have to take it one day at a time. At the end of the day I wasn't forced into any of this, and I made a huge mistake which I now regret.

The man is a depraved pervert. Last week he stood up from his desk and I saw his arse crack! I've been so blind sighted I managed to forget about that one! Ughhhhh.... 🤢

Just want to add Soso, you deserve so much more, as we all do x

@maybebe, thanks for sharing. I definitely agree with you. It’s never black or white. Life is so complicated. And I definitely am a firm believer that it is not a male versus female issue. It is not a question of blaming the Other Woman or Other Man. Life is complex.

sending you loads of love. Wishing you the best

Has anyone told their affair partner's wife?

@affor no luckily we are not in the same team anymore so I don’t have to even talk to him which makes it much easier. I have thought about changing jobs too but with the current situation will be quite tricky, hoping that once we go back to the office I can stay strong.
Changing jobs for you shoidl definitively help, how long since you last talked to him?

@User2596 I am talking to him all day everyday.

I haven't ended it yet and am still very much in the deluded phase of hoping this ends with us together.

It started about a month ago but we've known each other years.

Only wanted sex on his terms...

He lied to me...

he showed his true colours....

C'mon! Of course, these men are lying scumbags. What do you expect?!

Mine went on for 7 months, I ended things several times as I couldn’t deal with the guilt and emotions just to go back to him a couple of days later. I also hoped we could be together and even though he said he loved me and wanted to be with me I couldn’t bring myself to cause so much pain to innocent people.
I miss him a lot but I know there is no future for us and really need to try to forget about him.

@thebridgelooksbroken, why are you saying the men are lying scumbags. Please don’t make this a gender war, men vs women. Anyone can have affairs, irrespective of gender.

@maybebe is a lady (in relationship with a man) who had an affair with another lady. Will you call her a lying scumbag?

When we blame men, we sometimes forget that we have brothers and sons.

This thread is a support thread for people who are struggling with ending their affairs. It’s not a morality thread. It’s not a men bashing thread

@maybebe, please I am sorry to drag you into this. I have 100 percent respect for you.

@Helpiamconfused
Save the lecture!

I know that, I was simply making the point that people are surprised that the men they've been having it away with turn out to be less than honest. This isn't men bashing. I'm well aware that women have affairs - (see above). I have a lot of pity for the poor DHs on this thread who are being cuckold, lied to, gaslighted - they deserve my thoughts, not those bouncing on mattresses behind their backs - that's regardless of gender.

I was simply making the point that people are surprised that the men they've been having it away with turn out to be less than honest. This isn't men bashing. I'm well aware that women have affairs - (see above). I have a lot of pity for the poor DHs on this thread who are being cuckold, lied to, gaslighted - they deserve my thoughts, not those bouncing on mattresses behind their backs - that's regardless of gender

And the poor wives left oblivious at home whilst hubby is being banged and mooned over by these poor women whonare incapable of keeping their hands to themselves. So much self.pity, it's vile. You are all helping to destroy lives. If it was illegal, no one would say to someone "I felt ignored so I stole" "Oh, yes, your poor thing, life just so isn't black and white is it?".That's not judging you all - it's fact. But you can't stomach it because you want to believe so badly you are justified in what you are doing

Maybe that will "help you get over your men", but I doubt it. If it's so bad, leave your current spouses.

@User2596 if you hoped to be together, why didnt you go for it? It sounds like it was your decision to be together or not so what stopped you?

@YouJustDoYou

That's the sad fact in all of this, so many lives being ruined and all people can say is "Every situation is different, life isn't black and white".

I think where affairs are concerned, it usually is black and white.

@Lostthewill80 At one point I was ready to leave everything for this man, we talked briefly about how we will go about it and to see it so real just really scared me. I was really unsure about pursuing a relationship which started with so many lies and pain. I also feared he would resent me in the future for leaving his home and small children. I sort of made a list of pros and cons as making this decision obviously would have affected a lot of people and in the end I decided it was not worth it. I am aware now on how selfish I have been and do not want to ever feel like that.
One of the hardest things is that I know if I contacted him again he would be there willing to be with me, so when I feel weak I remind myself why I made this decision and try to stick to it. I think he is hoping I will go back to him as I have done in the past but this time I am committed to really end things.

Just wondering, if nobody found out and got hurt, was it worth it?
I mean if there's amazing chemistry, massive physical/sexual attraction are you glad you explored that rather than have what ifs?
Which do you think you'd regret more - the affair or not seeing if it was going to go anywhere?
Please be honest, not say what you think you should say!

I was AP and it went on for couple of years but ended when we very nearly got caught. Work together, still do. Get on fine now but there were some dark days after it ended. Didn’t speak for about a yr. Once the fear has worn off it would be easy to go back but the one thing that stuck in my mind when we nearly got caught was - What if she found out and was so distraught she killed herself. I know that sounds dramatic and there were no hints that she would do such a thing but can you imagine? It was enough to scare the life out of me and I’ve never gone back and never will.

@Sogoodfeelssobad the buzz was incredible, however I couldn’t live with the guilt. Even tho I wasn’t caught I told my husband. He knew about it anyway as had “allowed” the sex. It was the emotions thAt were off limits and emotions became involved. So despite feeling sexually alive, I’m not the type of person who can live with themselves. I regret meeting this person

I am the victim of an affair.
Your absolute selfishness and sense of entitlement is unbelievable.
If you want to be with someone else that isn't your partner, leave them.
My husband lied and gaslighted and destroyed my world, he is still with her a year on and is miserable. He literally just texted me now saying how much he misses me. But he made his bed, he has to lay in it.
Reality versus fantasy rarely works out.
He destroyed our marriage to be with someone that makes him miserable. He says he regrets everything.
The pain and anguish was for nothing then.....
I nearly killed myself, the pain was so immense and overwhelming.
Please try and think of your partner and the havoc your affair could wreak. It's life changing and life destroying.

he'd convince me to not go cold turkey. During this time, he got together with someone .... I want to do the no contact thing properly (I never initiate any interaction anyway), but I also feel crap when he actually doesn't get in touch because I think maybe he's over it.

I'm very sorry, but my take on that if that got 'him' it's all about the opportunity rather than any specific attraction between you.

That, right there, would switch off any feelings I might have had for him.

Is it possible that you are building up this relationship in your own mind, to be something beyond what it actually is. It might be tempting in the short term, but it's bound to make you feel worthless longer term.

And. STD.

@SadSausage44 I've been in the same position. It totally changes your life in the most awful way doesn't it? I don't know how people can be so full of self pity when it's their own fault. And (abuse aside) it either shows how cowardly cheaters are that they don't have the guts to leave or how evil they are for gaslighting their partners, turning them into anxious wrecks and watching their life crumble around them when the cheater could stop all of that. And yes I still have the "please take me back I'm so miserable" years later! I used to find it funny but now I just find it sad and feel sorry for his girlfriend.