Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

Whatever the married man is telling you, it's lies. Absolutely guaranteed, every tiny word that comes out of his mouth is a lie. And the sad, sad thing is that the mistress falls for it, every single time.

@affor, understood, but whether he tells you or not, don’t you think you deserve better? Save yourself some heartache and end it during lockdown so you have the time to start getting over it

@Faye121
he told me he couldn't sleep with his wife because he felt too guilty! WTF?

This is actually really common especially for people having emotional affairs. I had this feeling all the time - wasn’t even comfortable holding hands with my SO because I felt so attached to my affair partner.
Sex and all intimacy completely stopped with my SO because I was in love with someone else.

@YouJustDoYou
Whatever the married man is telling you, it's lies. Absolutely guaranteed, every tiny word that comes out of his mouth is a lie.

What a ridiculous thing to say.

@Fedup2020 you are right of course you are. It's interesting to se the benefit of hindsight all over this thread. But we all you know that being told usually isn't enough to stop you.

Even if I wanted to go NC I can't. We work together and have team calls every day.

@affor yes I totally get it. Sucks doesn’t it

What a ridiculous thing to say

Aw, ok. You keep telling yourself that. Poor thing.

@YouJustDoYou

Well I’m not fucking a married man so I’m not telling myself anything.

@YouJustDoYou as much as this hurts me to say but I’m currently the betrayed wife and I read my husbands messages to ow. They were deeply emotional, using words he’s never used with me and they were true. So I have to disagree, not every married man lies

Please can I get peoples views on no contact with the MM/AP? If you do decide to end it and well done, it takes a strong person but what does NC entail? Blocking? Deleting? Blocking and Deleting? You wouldn’t just leave the number in your contacts would you, surely that’s leaving a door open? Thanks for any feedback

@Crazychild I doubt very much that it was because he was in love with me. He told me more than once that he loved his wife and would never leave her. Almost like he was warning me not to fall in love with him. Looking back, I don't know what I was getting from it tbh.

what about woman who have affairs with other women. Such as women in lesbian relationships, but want so sex with a man

Or women who are in relationships with men, but want sex with another woman

@Faye121

Everyone’s situation is different hence my comment earlier to the clown who said “every word married men tell you is a lie etc”

Some men will tell you lies just to sleep with you but will never leave their families, some are genuinely bored in their marriages and fall for other people, some leave their families for OW, some have many affairs at the same time etc.

If anyone would have said I would have an affair I would have thought they were mad. 24 years married with one DS 21. I had a close friendship with a colleague ( other end of the country so we saw each other infrequently but spoke every day and usually not about work ) , I knew that it was not appropriate, we were too close. His marriage was shaky and mine ticked over but we have had problems over the years.

When I left my job, we admitted how we felt about each other , I made the first move ( he said he’d been in love with me for years) and we are now having an affair. I feel as though I have met the person who completes me in every way. I can tell him things I’ve never told anyone else and we are compatible physically and emotionally.

I think his marriage will end shortly, his kids are mid teens ( he is older than me , I had my DS in my 20’s) and then I will have a decision to make.

I’m not looking for sympathy but it’s bloody hard. My DH is a good man, he has had MH issues in and off for a few years which had been hard in us both. He is also selfish in terms of prioritising his own needs, but I have learned to live with this over the years. We are comfortable materially, I have a good career and we want for nothing. It sounds awful but my biggest regret should be marriage end would be losing my lovely house. I really don’t want to hurt DH but I think it’s inevitable.

In a way I wish I’d never told AP how I felt and just left my job. But the way I feel about him, I don’t think I could have done that. So hard all of this.

Cupcakes you have a different thread essentially asking the question you have just asked on this thread over and over and over again. And you have 12 pages of posters telling you that there are only two reasons he would have ever kept her number. 1. He's still in contact with her. 2. He isn't prepared to give up contact with her as an option.

I've just read your other thread. He's admitted to continuing his affair with her, which started in 2017, up until very recently. Then claims that since finding out about your second pregnancy, he's stopped talking to her. But he pretended to have deleted her in 2017.

He's having an affair. He's been having an affair for years. Why oh why are you banging your head against this brick wall?

I understand, Cupcakes, that you are distressed and pregnant. I understand that when we don't want something to be true, we will look around wildly for other explanations.

But there is no other explanation. He's told you he continued his affair with her after he claimed to have blocked her. He's told you. You know it's not true that he stopped speaking to her since finding out about the second pregnancy. Her number is still there because he is having a relationship with her.

I'm really sorry. It's horrendous, I know.

Yep @chippypickledeggs you’re right. I have been looking for an explanation as to why the number is still on his phone and yes I know you wouldn’t keep a number on and not use it. He’s obviously waiting to reestablish contact. I just thought maybe if we had another baby things would improve I don’t know

@Tempnamelady

Your poor DH. So what will you do? Wait for your lover to leave his DW and then put your DH out of his misery? Or continue jumping the APs bones?

@ChippyPickledEggs and I know deep down I sound ridiculous thinking oh maybe he’s forgot the number or maybe it really is over - I guess I just needed to hear it from other people that there’s a reason for him keeping it

@Cupcakesaregood I left my persons number in my phone.

I couldn't bear to have him not exist I think. I changed the name. It is still there years later.

He contacted me and asked if we could meet and I refused. He begged and I refused. But I still kept his number.

The only way to find out is to ask your husband.

After a couple of days of decreased communication, we talked on what's app last night until the early hours. No sexting. I haven't stopped thinking about him all day, I feel awful for admitting but I want to initiate sexting. Ugh.... I want this to stop. I need to make it stop. The only way I can is to block him but I'll still see him at work..

It's like a disease.

@cupcakesaregood

I just thought maybe if we had another baby things would improve I don’t know

I think you're conflating two issues here.

Having another child may make someone more likely to remain in a marriage.

It absolutely won't make them more likely to remain or become faithful.

Why on earth would you think that the stress of a new baby, sleepless nights, juggling even more commitments, possibly less sex etc would make someone who is cheating more likely to be faithful, or someone who has cheated before less likely to repeat it.

It is unfair to bring another child into an unhealthy relationship to try and fix it. Totally unfair.

I've been reading your other thread and commented on it trying to suggest you need to take the blinkers off now and accept that your options are to leave him or to remain with him knowing he's very unlikely to be faithful. You think there is a third option - him being totally happy with you and you trusting him implicitly. That is not an option, not realistically.

I find this thread really hard to read because I find it shocking that people talk about how madly in love they are with their affair partner, how much they wish they could be together etc but won't leave their partner who is unknowingly with someone who doesn't want to be with them, stopping that partner having the chance to meet someone who will love and respect them.

You do know what he's done, that is a gift although it doesn't feel like it. As I said there are two options and it's up to you which you decide to go with.

You can't bargain someone into loving you by using children or guilt as a weapon (I'm not saying that in a nasty way as you genuinely sound like a lovely person).

You can persuade them to stay with you perhaps but you can't persuade them to love, respect and be faithful to you.

This thread is proof people are perfectly capable of having a marriage of convenience while really wanting someone else and dedicating their emotional energy to that someone else.

@TwoCatsSleeping you do need to make it stop. And you have the power to make it stop. So make it stop. It’ll feel like shit. It gets better

@TwoCatsSleeping keep going. One day at a time...

@TwoCatsSleeping it’s been two weeks NC for me, he has contacted me but I resisted and didn’t write. We also work together and I know after lockdown I will see him at some point. It takes a lot but you can do it, it’s early days for me but I already feel so much better about myself.