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Original poster

Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

997 replies

bloomingdalelovely · 07/04/2020 18:41

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

OP posts:
Fedup2020 · 11/04/2020 20:12

Absolutely don’t regret ending it at all. I am scared of the boredom and the fact I’ll have to work on myself

Lostthewill80 · 11/04/2020 20:40

@Fedup2020 do you think as you're only 3 days into NC its not as bad yet or think you'll change your view?

@Crazychild when did yours end and have you seen or heard anything since ending it? Would you go back if he contacted you?

idontcare12 · 11/04/2020 20:57

@changemynamechangemynamewhen
a) it's an open forum and I'm entitled to my opinion
b) I'm not actually bitching at people. Just pointing out facts because I genuinely believe that if people see affairs for what they really are.....it might help their recovery.

Crazychild · 11/04/2020 21:04

when did yours end and have you seen or heard anything since ending it? Would you go back if he contacted you?

A couple of years now and we WhatsApp each other on Birthdays but nothing else.
I have no real feelings now so no I wouldn’t go back. As I said early on in this thread, the idea of me not having feelings for this person a few years ago was unimaginable. I felt like I would always be in love with them and I would never stop thinking about them.
On reflection, they were not perfect for me and I would’ve got fed up with them within a couple of years.

idontcare12 · 11/04/2020 21:07

@Crazychild you make a valid point....you'll never get that new feeling with your husband/wife again......but it's rare that an affair partner will love you deeply in the way your husband/wife will. I also agree that not being caught impacts on 'remorse'. Sometimes being caught and seeing your wife/husband/children's hurt reminds people where their heart really lies and how fickle 'affair love' is. I never looked at my dad the same when I found out he'd cheated on my mum. Don't get me wrong, I love him, but I don't really think he's a great person anymore.

Lostthewill80 · 11/04/2020 21:15

@Crazychild that's great actually as it gives me hope.
If you haven't really had much contact in those years, how did you come to the conclusion they weren't right for you and you'd end up fed up? And why bother with the birthday messages? Sorry for the q's

Crazychild · 11/04/2020 21:19

@idontcare12

Being loved deeply by someone is awesome as long as you feel the same.
Being loved deeply by someone you don’t want or someone you just tolerate to keep the family together can never compete with the feelings mentioned earlier.

idontcare12 · 11/04/2020 21:24

@Crazychild true. So why would you stay? It's a waste of life being loved by someone you don't love back.

Crazychild · 11/04/2020 21:26

@Lostthewill80

that's great actually as it gives me hope.

Trust me, I know how you might feel right now and it might be different for you, but it will change as long as you create other things in your life to distract you. Unfortunately, that thing may have to be another person...

If you haven't really had much contact in those years, how did you come to the conclusion they weren't right for you and you'd end up fed up?

Just because on reflection we weren’t a good match. Intellectually, life goals, mindset etc, it was mostly physical and the emotional part was just offloading, not connecting but I was crazy about them as I was bored and needed something new.

And why bother with the birthday messages?

Just because we shared a moment in each other’s history and sending happy birthday doesn’t hurt. The fact that I’m able to do that and not slip into feelings tells me it wasn’t real.

Crazychild · 11/04/2020 21:31

@idontcare12

So why would you stay? It's a waste of life being loved by someone you don't love back.

It is a waste of a life from a relationship perspective but I have security and a happy family. But I must read a 100 threads a day on here of people in boring relationships who never leave. Most want their cake and eat it, some leave, the majority don’t.

thebridgelooksbroken · 11/04/2020 21:42

@Fedup2020

I think it’s about what’s kind and what’s just a bit crap really. A person is asking for help to get over something that’s causing her pain. It’s a support thread. Time and a place for everything

Not to mention the unimaginable pain being inflicted on unsuspecting spouses.

idontcare12 · 11/04/2020 22:08

@Crazychild I get it, but if you left today, you could be so much happier in a years time. Surly your partner senses your lack of love for him? It must be hard pretending all the time.

I know people are negative about their relationships on here but that's because the people that are happy have no reason to post on here.

Good luck anyway.

StripyShirt · 11/04/2020 22:31

@Lostthewill80 No regrets about ending the affair, and yes, was relieved to have done the right thing. I missed the AP for some time, but got over it in the end.

It was good to feel desirable and appreciated, as I did during the affair, and in many ways it showed me what was missing in my relationship. Over the years I'd gotten used to a sub-par situation, where things were just about ok enough to carry on without rocking the boat too much. My partner would never discuss relationship issues, and adopted a 'take it or leave it' position. I wasn't ready to leave and had got fed up of taking it, so this appeared to be an easy solution. In retrospect, I should have just left, but there you go. We've limped on with counselling, and many things did improve, but it wasn't enough and we are now living apart. We haven't explicitly ended our relationship, but at the moment I can't see it continuing. Talking is very difficult at the moment, and this is something to resolve face to face, so it'll wait until the lockdown has ended.

Fedup2020 · 11/04/2020 23:36

@Lostthewill80 I’ve been trying to end it for months, but was always talked round. I can honestly say this is what NEEDED to happen and I’m feeling better because of it. What will be hard is ensuring it doesn’t happen again as I enjoyed the buzz etc..

KurriKawari · 11/04/2020 23:47

I think I've found a thread I feel safe on :)

Am NC. Wanted to check what others thought about this - the straw that broke the camel's back. Him talking about his wife eg x not feeling well today, x parents moved house, x uncle is ill. Like how much did your AP talk about their wife? I never had the whole "my wife doesn't understand me, we dont have sex" speel thankfully. Just pretended she never existed. However, I told him recently how I felt like a bad person and the guilt of it all. And for some reason that made him think he could start telling me tedious stuff about their life..when I said I didnt want to hear about her his reaction was "well you share stuff about your life with me" erm yes I do but not about a partner I don't!

changemynamechangemynamewhen · 12/04/2020 00:20

@KurriKawari have you two ever discussed a future together?

KurriKawari · 12/04/2020 08:50

Nope no discussion of a future together. And tbh that's not something I would want anyway.

affor · 12/04/2020 09:03

I have the same issue @KurriKawari. I struggle to ask him about his day as he either has to censor or say his wife's name. Sometimes he tells me really deep/personal stuff about his relationship with in laws or life at home or his last etc and it's uncomfortable as I know her role in that.

I have said to him that I don't like saying her name as it feels really disrespectful (I know I know, irony given what I'm doing) and he tries really hard not to. But it's the elephant in the room.

BurneyFanny · 12/04/2020 09:09

Loubylou so you care about the pregnant wife’s physical health while not giving a shit about risking severely fucking over her mental health? And you an NHS worker ? Makes sense Confused

thecatsarecrazy · 12/04/2020 11:34

The last 24 hours have been an eye opener for me. I was struggling still hanging around waiting for him but feel different today.
I asked him yesterday how he was I got hungover, depressed stressed Al me me me. Didn't ask how I was. Last night I posted on my twitter that I wouldn't be around I've just received bad news. He sends a message asking what's wrong what's happened I'm here for you. Told him my uncle passed away my brother just gave me the news. He didn't reply. Nothing today either. So he either didn't stick around to find out why I was upset or just chose to ignore. Also something that hurt he sent a message early hours of Saturday telling me how he couldn't get a hard on when his wife wanted some.. thought of you hard as a rock. Wtf? I'm not stupid enough to think he doesn't sleep with his wife but did he think that would be a complement? Because it really wasn't.

affor · 12/04/2020 11:45

Also something that hurt he sent a message early hours of Saturday telling me how he couldn't get a hard on when his wife wanted some.. thought of you hard as a rock.

Holy shit. How does he think that's ok?!

We had the conversation very early on when sexting. I said I was up for it unless he was taking the results elsewhere, i.e. to his wife. Then he was on his own. Couldn't bear the thought if him lying in bed letting me turn him on then rolling over to someone else.

Also not naive enough to believe they're not sleeping together, but at least I drew my line in the sand and he agreed. I made it very clear I'm not here to help him in that dept and while I can't know what's going on, I feel better for having said it.

Fedup2020 · 12/04/2020 11:55

@affor I guarantee you he’s using your sexts to get him in the mood for his wife. You may be doing their sex life a world of good. You’re also probably making him feel like a complete stud and so he’ll be flirting with everything that moves. Don’t kid yourself

@thecatsarecrazy very similar to my situation. No emotional support. In fact bugger all interest. Happy to bore me with his woes / make me feel guilty if I contacted him at a bad time for him. The fact is he’s using you for amusement; a distraction from everyday life. You deserve better. Just pity the wife who lives with the arse

affor · 12/04/2020 12:06

@Fedup2020

I know that, that's what I said in my post. My point was I had made myself clear, so there's no way he can think it's ok to say to me the things that thecats AP is saying to her.

I can't change what happens but I can change what I know.

Original poster
bloomingdalelovely · 12/04/2020 12:07

AP would talk about partner and not just normal every day stuff but things that I really didn’t need to know and that didn’t ordinarily come up in conversation - I think it was an attempt to make me jealous. Don’t know. He would say he missed all the cuddles when she was away for a weekend and show me pictures of their night out together and also other stuff. Expecting me to continue to be the friend and pretend there was nothing going on. I would be getting over things and then stuff like this would totally mess with my head.
Hopefully the NC will last this time.

OP posts:
Faye121 · 12/04/2020 12:46

Interesting thread 🤔. I've NC for this. I was seeing a married man a while back (I was single) and he told me he couldn't sleep with his wife because he felt too guilty! WTF? I ended it not long after.