Buying our first house - now he says I owe him a lot of money

[Tamara9]

Hi mums,

First off I realise all relationships are different and this isn't necessarily wrong or right but talking definitely gives some new perspectives!

My partner and I are unmarried, together 10+ years, no kids yet, but buying our first home together. He has an awful lot of money saved (has always lived with parents) and is putting down ALL of the deposit, I have almost nothing saved (stuck renting since I was 18). We're both on the mortgage as joint owners. However he's saying that I owe him half of the money he's putting down, we're talking like more than £30k each, he's saying he would be annoyed if he didn't get that money back, and then he expects it back in 4/5 years.

Now this isn't completely out of the blue and I did expect that this would be part of our agreement to live together and accepted it. But I expected us to buy somewhere a lot cheaper, he's just quite high maintenance.

However now that it's happening...

It's taken ALOT of the fairytale 'love' away from our relationship on my part, that's always been there previously. I wouldn't be doing this if it was reversed. Him saying he'd be 'annoyed' has put a lot of pressure on for me, especially as I kinda expected within 4/5 years we'd be having kids and if that's the case how am I going to pay him.

And my questions are:

Is this what adult relationships are like or is he just being immature/naive?
Am I wrong for thinking it's a little unreasonable and unrealistic?
And imo if this wasn't the condition for moving in together we wouldn't be... so should that be ringing some alarm bells?

I'm no longer in contact with my mum. So I was hoping the mums of Mumsnet can give me some motherly advice!

Thanks x

mummmy2017 ring fence the deposit as tenants in common.

No way on earth is tell him to make her pay him back monthly for the next 5 years. BIL's marriage broke down after 6 months because he behaved like an entitled fool, having always lived at home with his parents. Very similar to the boyfriend in the scenario on this thread. They lost equal amounts of money on the house they bought together because they had to sell so quickly after buying. Guess who moved on faster when it went to pot, and was remarried with a baby on the way 4 years later, and who was back living in his parents' basement bedsit feeling bitter for the following 5 years?

There's a term I've become aware of via Mumsnet which is "future-faking"

Not only is he using you as a safe bet for his investment project, he's also manipulating you by making you imagine what it will be like living in what you see as your dream home, but he just sees as a hard cash transaction that will end once he's liquidated his asset and kicked you to the kerb.

Showing you all the Pinterest images is future faking because he's rushing your imagination forward to being in that home, being happy and building a life together.

I don't know this man, but I know people like him. They are callous and manipulative in the extreme.

You have, indeed, been warned.

Future faking is pretty much accurate but I also think a lot of men live in an idolised dreamworld

Exh would continually plan the next big house purchase, next big holiday, next great event

DH is more down to earth and we are happy with our little lot, but still has moments of grandeur where he exclaims that one day we will be millionaires (as if he was Delboy reimagined)

This bf seems to be planning how he will spend his gf's money for the next few years.

After a decade together, you would think he would think of it collectively as your house too. As the others have said, he can do a deed of trust to protect his deposit. Expecting you to pay £30k in a few years is totally out of order..if you haven't been able to save up that in the time you've been together...where does he expect this money to appear from??

This will be a weight around your neck for many years and he will just keep throwing it back at you. Don't waste another decade with this dick.

We are married now but when we bought our house my husband (then long term partner) put down the entire deposit as he had a much better income than me, and money from a previous property and also a small inheritance. The mortgage was always in both our names and he never requested to ring-fence the deposit, even when I offered. We are now married with two children.

Have a good think about how this relationship is going to work when you have dc and don't earn for a while op

Well I certainly wouldn't be giving somebody £15,000 for free if I split up with them or divorced I can tell you. There is absolutely nothing fairytale about splitting up and haggling about money.
It's very sensible of him to be concerned about what is going to happen to his money.
You need to learn to talk to each other. If you cannot afford to pay him back for your share and this might be a possibility then you need a legal document drawn up so that if you split he gets to keep the £30,000 that he put in. I see this as only fair.
Relationships are not fairy stories, they are contracts and everyone both you and him need to protect your interests.
I do hope you are not planning to have children with this man without getting married first. It's essential to protect your interests.
I've been married twice and both times I thought it was life long love. It wasn't and both husbands attempted to get as much of my money as they possibly could.
There was absolutely no fairytale about that at all I can tell you.
This would be a very good time for you both to sit down and discuss the future and your financial expectations, for example pension contributions, marriage, if he will pay the bills while you are on maternity leave, division of labour and so on.
Use your head not your heart or you will regret it later on.

Not unreasonable for him to want to protect the money he’s saved. Especially as his father has had two divorces. I’d be surprised if he wasn’t worried about his money given that background.

However I worry that he is letting you think you’re going to buy the house with marriage and children very soon on the cards, when really he has no intention of taking those steps for many years. You could end up in a situation where he’s holding the debt against you and your relationship is not going there. I say this because 10 years is a long relationship already.

In MN land it's unreasonable for a man to more in to a jointly owned property than his girlfriend and want it protected, but entirely reasonable for a woman to protect her share because otherwise the man is a "cocklodger".

The problem you have with his suggestion is he wants you to pay him £30k, when he should just be protecting his share with an enhanced percentage of the gross sale price of the property. Otherwise he's perfectly reasonable given that you could separate the day after completion and be £30k richer.

He wouldn't be giving her £15K - if he ringfences his deposit then the money is still his.

It's ludicrous for him to demand the money from her if they're going to share lives. Imagine, she's paying him £600 a month, plus however many hundreds for bills and mortgage, and ends up with a pittance of living money, while he's sitting pretty every month. Either they can then never have any fun together because she can't afford it and their lifestyles are vastly different, or she goes into debt or he pays for her (and what, adds it to her "debt" to him? It's stupid.

Don't tie yourself too much yet with someone who is in his 30s and ALWAYS lived with his parents. Good trial would be to rent together. Short term, easy to leave rental contract would be my option. Being able to grown your bank balance while staying with your parents is one thing, but growing as a responsible, mature adult is a bit harder while staying with parents. You paid your way, that is to be proud of. You didn't sponge of your parents, being proud you 'saved' lots of money. Also money aside day to day living (toilet, dishes, food, cleaning, EVERYTHING) can be extra challenging with a person who ever only shared home with own parents.

It's not stupid at all. She doesn't have to pay him back every month, she may well not be able to afford it but he is legally entitled to keep that money.
What is far more important is not deluding yourself that relationships are a fairytale. The last time I did that I lost £50,000 in a divorce near retirement, ok I can afford to sacrifice that I still have a lovely home because I have always been careful with money but that money would have been very useful.
And what's even more important is that they TALK about these things, plan for the future together, discuss how maternity leave will be covered. Discusse marriage.
At the moment I can see this relationship is going to be a disaster, he is telling her what she is going to be doing financially and she's living in cloud cuckoo land.
It's make or break time, get talking and agree on what you are BOTH going to be doing or go your separate ways.
This is very common on mumsnet - going headlong into relationships and marriages without any planning first.

The problem you have with his suggestion is he wants you to pay him £30k, when he should just be protecting his share with an enhanced percentage of the gross sale price of the property. Otherwise he's perfectly reasonable given that you could separate the day after completion and be £30k richer.

Yes this exactly. Thank you Collaborate you are more eloquent that I.

I do hope you are not planning to have children with this man without getting married first. It's essential to protect your interests

OP said that he doesn't want to have DCs outside of marriage either, so although the greter risk of doing so would be hers, at least he's due a bit of credit for that

Of course he's legally entitled to the money, that's why I'm saying he should ring-fence it or own a bigger proportion of the house. Then if they split up, he gets his money back first.

People who think she should stump up the £30k....where is she supposed to magic that up from?

It's bloody marvellous that this boy has been able to live with mummy an daddy for a decade and save up his own hard earned cash (probably not having to pay a penny to his parent's household) whereas the OP has been quite clear that she hasn't had the same opportunity to be able to save.

So to expect her to stump up £30k over the next few years is totally unreasonable. Yes, he should protect his assets in a legal capcity, I totally agree with that. But the demand to pay him £30k direct otherwise he will be annoyed?? That's not an adult or contractual conversation. As @cateory12 has pointed out, if they split he will get his money back first.

Either way I still think the OP shouldn't be coerced into this situation. He's already buying a house which is going to take them above and beyond their means. What a dick.

Please do pull out. My x was like this.
He doesnt see you as a team.

It’s either an investment property OR it’s a family home. If we were to buy a renovation as a family home then we would living there for at least 10 years. Would you be living in it while the renovations were being done? Would you have a baby in a building site? Investments work by realising your profit quickly. Imagine, you’re already planning this house to be your dream house, but he will be investing money in it. It will be finished then he’ll convince you to sell because that was the plan all along, remember? It was always an investment. He will want his money so you will be shown the next renovation project next to a school that will be even better than the last place. Think about it.

Ok so I feel this behaviour from your boyfriend is signalling that he is getting cold feet about buying together. He is making it difficult for you and I think he'd ideally want you to pull out so he can buy on his own.

What a shit! He's not being honest

Just to echo everyone else.....don't do it!

He's tight. Best to deal with this now and let him know you're not prepared to be battered over your very different circumstances. The truth of the matter is that if he had had to pay rent for the last decade he wouldn't have the amount of savings he has. He's been very lucky to have been supported by his parents but you haven't.

Arrange to have his initial investment ring-fenced and tell him you will absolutely not put up with such fuckery in the future.

Have you read the update?
Pay him back.
Pay the mortgage more, or sell so she gains a profit.
And half the rent paid now.
Some of this is actually in her favour.

We have no contract to protect his deposit if we split up because he trusts me and knows I would never grab that from him

Why must people always post such sanctimonious comments on threads like this?

Do you think other people who do put contacts in place are in lesser relationships then? That yours is so perfect you KNOW what the future brings with absolute 100% certainty?

Try telling that to all the (mostly) women who got screwed over financially when things go wrong that neither partner anticipated at the start.

@ChilliMayo

Totally bonkers. Paying 30k to have a girlfriend? Just absolutely unhinged madness.

It this is how he behaves over a house deposit I don't think I would trust him when I was on maternity leave or if I lost my job. He clearly doesn't see this as a family investment for the future.
My husband contributed nothing to our deposit, he moved in with me and when I sold that house the new one was bought in both our names with the profit as the deposit.
Marriage is a partnership.
The only fair way to do this is to protect the money in the contract.
You shouldn't have to pay him back, it's completely unreasonable and unrealistic.
Your family home should not play any part in his investments with his brother, they should be completely separate at all times.