Buying our first house - now he says I owe him a lot of money

[Tamara9]

Hi mums,

First off I realise all relationships are different and this isn't necessarily wrong or right but talking definitely gives some new perspectives!

My partner and I are unmarried, together 10+ years, no kids yet, but buying our first home together. He has an awful lot of money saved (has always lived with parents) and is putting down ALL of the deposit, I have almost nothing saved (stuck renting since I was 18). We're both on the mortgage as joint owners. However he's saying that I owe him half of the money he's putting down, we're talking like more than £30k each, he's saying he would be annoyed if he didn't get that money back, and then he expects it back in 4/5 years.

Now this isn't completely out of the blue and I did expect that this would be part of our agreement to live together and accepted it. But I expected us to buy somewhere a lot cheaper, he's just quite high maintenance.

However now that it's happening...

It's taken ALOT of the fairytale 'love' away from our relationship on my part, that's always been there previously. I wouldn't be doing this if it was reversed. Him saying he'd be 'annoyed' has put a lot of pressure on for me, especially as I kinda expected within 4/5 years we'd be having kids and if that's the case how am I going to pay him.

And my questions are:

Is this what adult relationships are like or is he just being immature/naive?
Am I wrong for thinking it's a little unreasonable and unrealistic?
And imo if this wasn't the condition for moving in together we wouldn't be... so should that be ringing some alarm bells?

I'm no longer in contact with my mum. So I was hoping the mums of Mumsnet can give me some motherly advice!

Thanks x

I would like to know is your income upping significantly the amount of mortgage you can get if you are the higher earner

applecrumbler they're buying a more expensive house than op would have chosen because it's what he wants though. Essentially it's like agreeing to go halves on a car when one person has no savings but a good income and wants a Corsa on 100% finance and the other has healthy savings and wants a new BMW with a 10k deposit plus the finance.

Atm it very much is like buying a car because a house is by no means guaranteed to go up in value over the next 5-7 years and might very well drop in value to the tune of the deposit or more over that time period. So when this couple inevitably split they'll both have set fire to the deposit money...

Ring fencing the deposit as tenants in common would be fair; asking your "partner" (life partner not business partner) to pay you back otherwise you'll be annoyed is a whole different animal.

Protecting yourself is not insisting your partner owes you 15k

This in spades. he could easily have suggested the quite reasonable deed to protect his deposit. But instead he went off and devised a cunning plan which seems OP paying him money in return, so he can cash out almost immediately (5years vs a lifetime).

So if you plan on children in the next few years and your earnings drop considerably due to maternity leave(s) will he still expect you to pay him back within 5 years?

Do you have the ability to pay him £500 a month to pay off £30k in 5 years even without any potential children added to the mix?

We bought our house before marriage and kids.
He had no savings, I had £50k.

I was just glad we had that money to be able to pay deposit and stamp duty and would have never thought of asking him to pay it back

Within a year I was pregnant and 3 years down the line I am pregnant again.

No way would he ever been able to save and pay me £25k back

Can't get over people repeating the protecting himself rubbish. Get a deed of trust drawn up, I did it with my partner to protect his 30k as well - anything else is ridiculous.

You are not a team and never will be. He's selfish. End of.

Why don't you live together now in rental?

Wait, so he's bigging it up as future family home but intends to flip it for profit? Manipulative. Nope.

You are not even married. He hasn't even proposed. He is quite obviously future faking to get what he wants now.

Is he effectively living at your place now without paying any bills?

DP put down a £50k deposit on ours from the sale of his previous house.

I put down sod all. We are joint tenants.

We have no contract to protect his deposit if we split up because he trusts me and knows I would never grab that from him. Whatever the house makes in the time we own it, we will split down the middle, but that £50k is his and his alone.

I agree that this can easily be solved with a deed of trust. I put in four times that of my partner with regards to deposit but protected it with a DoT and we split everything else 50/50 as we're pretty equal earners.

This man is financially savvy, I'm sure he knows a deed of trust could be drawn up but he doesn't want that, he wants the OP indebted to him for some reason.

This is why you need to pull out.

Can I ask this
Your son saved 60k.
He wants to buy a house with his girlfriend.
What do you say to him.
Be honest.

Well if you can't afford it, then he not going to get it is he.

Can he ring fence this amount legally so if anything happens he get it back.

Does he expect you to pay more mortgage as he put more deposit down.

Tbh if he's just sprung this on you, if he thinking longer and hard if you want to do this with him.

How many nights a week does he stay with you? Have you been charging him rent? Does he oat for food etc when he's at your house?

Suggest if you are buying a renovation project property that you pay someone like a qualified building surveyor to do a full structural survey, before you buy the property
It will tell you everything about the property including things like; caves underneath, roof, woodworm, damp, weird clauses like not running a business, shared pathways, environmental issues etc

Worth every penny, especially if you are going to make the biggest purchase of your life !

Back out, now.

I would say to him that you won’t be paying back the money, but are quite happy to have it written in a contract that if ever you were to split up, he would have his share of the deposit back first, before splitting everything else.
My friend have issues with who pays for what and it has caused no end of trouble. His larger contribution just means that you can have a better house, that’s all.

If you are buying a renovation property

How are you going to finance the renovations ?

Because even if you do the manual labour yourself, paint, tools, take time, money, effort

He might not be that financially savvy. As a financial adviser previously, I saw many people who had an idea what they wanted to happen but had no idea about the things you can put in place.

Maybe his thigh process is that OP will be saving a lot in terms of the new mortgage vs rent so he could then do with the cash back to do his other property wheeler dealing and genuinely has not realised this is a problem.

This is why people should always take advice to understand their options and discuss them.

As he hasn't said 'can we discuss the fact I'm putting down a huge deposit here?' This seems to be the real issue......
This would set a good foundation for where the relationship is heading.

@Tamara9 you can instigate the discussion along the lines of 'I agree we need to protect your deposit. There are lots of options we should discuss'......

If he wants the money back quickly I would worry about this for many reasons. I suspect he might not actually want it back just hadn't realised there were other ways to protect it.

Can I ask this
Your son saved 60k.
He wants to buy a house with his girlfriend.
What do you say to him.
Be honest.

I wouldn't say " make an unreasonable demand to be given £30k back in a few years", that's for sure

Can I ask this
Your son saved 60k.
He wants to buy a house with his girlfriend.
What do you say to him.
Be honest.

I would say, "son, make sure you ringfence your deposit and that your share of the property reflects your contribution". I'd say, "son, are you sure now's the right time to be buying?" and also, p"erhaps you should consider buying alone". I would say, "son, it's fucking ludicrous to get your partner to pay you half your deposit after the fact while also expecting her to contribute to the bills and save for the future, and all this while planning a family, on a property that is out of her price range, you need to choose a starter home you can afford together without overstretching".

Suggest you also get some quotes of estimate how much it would cost to renovate the property
Costs broken down eg

Labour - yourself unskilled
Labour - electrician, plumber, plasterer, painter, skilled
Replacement - like boiler, windows, other
Tools & materials
Insurance
Unexpected expenses

How will you finance if you are pregnant or have children ?

Can I ask this
Your son saved 60k.
He wants to buy a house with his girlfriend.
What do you say to him.
Be honest.

I’d say “ten years and you’re not even getting married? Shit or get off the pot.”

This is a millstone around your neck.
The fact you 'owe' him will be thrown at you in every future disagreement both verbally and in every 'look'.
It will never be your house in his eyes and it will never feel like your home to you.
You are not his equal.