Parents want to go away for Christmas, and they want all the family with them, which includes my ex!

[Pinkchampagne]

They want to go abroad because staying at home will be too upsetting without Nan, which I can totally understand as Christmas Eve has always been Nan's day, for as long as I can remember, and we will all be feeling very sad without her this year.
They feel that it would be more bearable if we all go away for Christmas, and they have talked to my ex husband about possibly going to Florida. (he told me about this when he phoned to speak to boys on Mon night)
They haven't said anything to me yet, but they apparantly want all the family there, and dad is going to call one of his family meetings about this!

I feel it would be good to get away this year, and Christmas is a time where you should be with your family, so I should make the effort, but I just don't know if I could grit my teeth and get through it.

I wouldn't want the boys away from their dad at Christmas time either, and he would obviously want to see them, so can kind of understand him being included in a way, but it would feel wrong to go away with him & could give him & my family false hope.

What do I do about this one?

Oh I know, Tinkerbel, and this was why I decided I just couldn't grit my teeth and do this, so explained this to both my mum and my sister.

There was always going to be some resistance to your divorce from all your family because it upsets the nice cosy little family unit to which they belong.

You say that BIL has always been buddy buddy with X, so he's going to resent your split because he thinks it will affect his relationship with X. From a purely selfish POV, he will want you back together so that his life isn't unsettled in any way. The same applies to your parents. Did you used to go out with sis and BIL as a foursome? I suspect you did and now that won't happen, so BIL resents it.

Just continue to stand your ground. There were very good reasons why you divorced X and various members of your family trying to force you into an intimate situation with him just shows how totally self-centred they are.

keep going PC, you're doing well - just take it one small step at a time.

You are totally right there, Freckle.

I remember the first time I stayed over my sister's house after the split (was very early days still), which was hard because we had always visited together before then. BIL kept saying "Where is my play station buddy?" & other similar comments, while looking very sorry for himself. I ended up getting quite upset.

We did go out as a foursome a lot, and sometimes all six of us (with my parents) would go out.

He has also had a Florida experience with ex H in the past, so would want his buddy with him, and will see it that I am being difficult & spoiling things.

Thanks, Tanee.

It IS hard for families to cope with a split - after all, the ideal is for families to love the people who marry their members - so they all go through grief if those relationships break down, and they lose that connection. That's quite understandable. But we can't stay with partners with whom we are unhappy, just to keep our families happy. Sounds like your family are finding it really difficult to come to terms with that, and accept your decision. But they will, as long as you stick to your guns and keep to the 'broken record' technique. Don't explain, don't apologise, just state, 'it's over, I realise you're unhappy about that, but it's over'.

Anyway, your BIL is quite entitled to meet up with his play station buddy independantly of you. No couples should be joined at the hip.

I know that it is hard for members of my family, because they obviously got quite attached to my ex, so I do understand a little, but could do without the guilt tripping!

Seems BIL has started texting ex H about it now.

They're just trying to ensnare you in stuff to ensure you can't move on, PC. It is blindingly obvious from this thread that no-one in your family gives the slightest consideration to you as a person, with opinions and wants of your own. Surely the fact your parents discussed Florida with your entire family (plus x) before you is testament to that.

They are pushing you to do something I know (and they know) you feel very uncomfortable about, i.e. lose control, in order to assert your own will. It keeps you off balance and in their power. You are doing brilliantly, by the way, to be so assertive about what is best for you and the little boys. Hopefully as time goes on you will find it easier to challenge their attempts to control you. When this goes so deep into childhood it is like reprogramming yourself from scratch.

As Tanee says, don't apologise, don't explain. But do reflect on how very, very far you have come on your journey back to yourself.

thank you, tribpot. You post had me in tears because you have summed it all up so accurately.

Some of the things I have had to do have panicked me so much because I am not a naturally assertive person, and have probably been walked over a lot because of this.
I am getting a little better, but still frustrate myself for not being stronger.

Small steps, PC. This won't come over night. You have made huge leaps in progress that I am sure those of us who knew you of old thought would never come. When you think of where you were two years ago - my god, you have literally transformed yourself. You are doing things that then you were too petrified to even imagine.

Of course it is difficult. It probably always will be. But you are doing it. They haven't beaten you.

I guess I am a bit braver than I was a few years back, and a lot of that is a result of the advice I have received from you lot.

I think I would still be putting up with it all if I hadn't started my threads on here, I really do, so I have a lot to thank you all for.

I am worrying a bit about BIL stirring things up.

He can only stir things up if you let him. He can try to cause trouble, but it will only become trouble if you don't stand your ground. Surely your sister can keep him in check???

It is this sneaky texting ex H, after I have already told him what's happening.

I don't want him getting ex H all angry either. I am not stopping them going away at the end of the day.

I will have a word with my sister.

Who told you about BIL texting X? Your sister? If she knows about it, she should be dealing with BIL already.

your family are unconscionable!

i think my approach would be to let them get on with whatever plans they seem intent on hatching, decide on your stance and stick with it. be as immovable as concrete. they'll soon learn that their sneaky manipulations and furtive conferences won't get them anywhere.

I'm with Warthog. Let them text away - just let it all WHOOSH over your head - don't let ANYTHING they do faze you. You've decided your path, stick to it. You are doing what's right for YOU and your boys. Let them burble away to each other as much as they like, ignore it. They aren't thinking about you, they only seem to be concerned about their own feelings. It's wrong that you had to break down in order to get your point across to your mother, but maybe that's what it takes.

Take care of yourself and keep on doing what feels right for you. It sounds like you're doing really well. Small steps, but huge distances covered.

I know it sounds easy for us to say, and you're finding it difficult. But I can say with some small experience from my own breakup, that it DOES get better. My family were desperate to get me back with ex - wanted family conferences etc, but I just kept saying no. I gave up trying to explain as they obviously weren't really listening. My reasons for the marriage failure didn't seem good enough reasons to them. They still keep in touch with him, birthday cards etc, which is fine by me, but after two or three years they finally accepted me and DP as a couple (my mother finally stopped referring to him as 'That Man' and he now has a name . They could see that my DD was happy with the new setup, and that DP wasn't going to run off and leave me - as they'd assumed he would.

Have to admit though, that your family seem an extreme case . Worth writing a book about...

I was actually told by ex H about BIL texting, he told me when he dropped the boys off before going to work last night.
I just told ex H that BIL had already text me, and already knows the answer.
Ex H does not seem bothered atm, but I don't want BIL stirring everything up.

Ex H has just turned up at my door to collect the boys, and handed me a M&S ready meal. He said he picked it up while getting his meal, which I found a tad strange.
it is probably because he feels guilty about his bad behaviour on Sunday.

A ready meal? How bizarre! Still at least he was being 'not angry' and not having a go about the proposed hol. Which given that it is HIM you are refusing to go away with could have been a tinderbox. So I guess the M&S Ready meal was a sort of keep-the-peace offereing. LOL at men.
I can just see him in M&S thinking 'flowers...no, too romantic will embarrass her, champagne or chocs, no....too stalkerish, not appropriate...pack of 4 hi-leg mini-briefs - GOD, no!!....aha! a Crispy-topped Aberdeen Angus Cottage pie - perfect!"

Make sure he hasn't poisoned it .

You're more generous than I. I'd have assumed that, having criticised my housekeeping, he was making a snidey comment about my cooking skills!

maybe he's trying to butter you up so you'll cave on the holiday front. stay strong!

It would take far more than a ready meal to do that!!

He obviously thinks I eat naff meals now he isn't around (he did used to do a lot of the cooking), so thought he would buy my dinner because he probably now realises how out of order he was on Sunday.
Very strange though!

Lol at the hi-leg mini briefs!!

And I've jut noticed a buy one get one half price sticker!

Sorry about my typing - keyboard keeps sticking!

BOGOF! LOL - no expense spared then!!