Parents want to go away for Christmas, and they want all the family with them, which includes my ex!

[Pinkchampagne]

They want to go abroad because staying at home will be too upsetting without Nan, which I can totally understand as Christmas Eve has always been Nan's day, for as long as I can remember, and we will all be feeling very sad without her this year.
They feel that it would be more bearable if we all go away for Christmas, and they have talked to my ex husband about possibly going to Florida. (he told me about this when he phoned to speak to boys on Mon night)
They haven't said anything to me yet, but they apparantly want all the family there, and dad is going to call one of his family meetings about this!

I feel it would be good to get away this year, and Christmas is a time where you should be with your family, so I should make the effort, but I just don't know if I could grit my teeth and get through it.

I wouldn't want the boys away from their dad at Christmas time either, and he would obviously want to see them, so can kind of understand him being included in a way, but it would feel wrong to go away with him & could give him & my family false hope.

What do I do about this one?

Next time they try and talk to you just stand your ground and imagine the amassed forces of MN all standing behind you. Arms crossed, sleeves rolled up and rolling pins to the ready!

Lol, I will!

She text me telling me what time to go round, and then said "Ex H is coming"
I haven't even replied yet. I am trying to get over the shock of this one!

Pinkchampagne, why not just text back and say "Thank you for the invitation, but I have other plans today, maybe next time?"

Oh PC, have only seen this thread and as many here, I knew this was your thread before opening it.

Please do what you feel like doing, don't allow them to blackmail you. Our Christmases also worked all around my grandmother and things are very different since she is not around, however... they are different, not awful and not unbearable.

What your family is doing to you is awful, you did split with your ex because of a very good reason, what's the point of all that mess if they are still making you go through the same when you are no longer together?

Good luck tonight.

Good to hear you are not going! one step at the time, first avoid the dinner; second, avoid the holidays

No - don't just text back a general refusal. You must text back exactly why you aren't going to go - to make sure she gets the message.

But if you do text why you are not going, make sure you dont enter into a discussion about it. If she text back asking why, or beint irreasonable about it, just say "It is nothing to discuss, I have made up my mind, if he is there I choose to make other dinner arrangements for me and the kids today"

I very rarely go round there, but when she invited me yesterday, I thought I would go today because I could then maybe have a talk about this whole holiday idea, but there is no chance of that now.

Do be careful. I agree that you need to let her know that inviting you and X is unacceptable but be aware that, next time, she probably won't forewarn you. You'll turn up and he will be there.

You need to let her know that, if she invites you both, you will not be attending. If she invites him and doesn't warn you, you will just turn round and leave.

It is a shame for the boys because they were looking forward to going round.

they'll use that to emotionally blackmail you, don't let them.

And THEY created that situation, not you, don't feel guilty about it.

I am going to have to have a proper talk with her about all this. it's not right.

But I look the bad one

with who? Your boys? They are outrageously badly behaved to put you in that position. Tell them you won't have it again, YOU are in control of your lives, not them. Tell your boys they can see daddy on xxx (date of your choosing/per arrangement) but that silly granny forgot to check with you first and she must always check with you first mustn't she?

I meant your familyt are outrageously etc not yr boys!

It's your kids I feel sorry for, talk about messing with their poor little heads
You, the ex and your family are adults who should be putting them first not their own desires. You have to be tough for their sake.

I do put my children first, and I am trying to toughen up with my family.

Should I phone their dad & see if he can take them round my parents house with him? That way they don't lose out, and I can just stay at home.

What happened, PC?

Really sorry they ***d up the lunch invitation....

I let the boys go with their dad in the end, as they were really wanting to see nanny.
He came to pick them up & stod at my doorway going on about their toys being all over my table, and how he wouldn't put up with it etc, and I got really angry, telling him it is my house & none of his business.

I then phoned mum & told her boys were coming with their dad, but I wasn't coming because I couldn't handle it.
I ended up totally breaking down, and saying that I couldn't take anymore, and there were good reasons for us separating, and I didn't want to be forced in his company.

I think she was quite shocked at how upset I was because I can normally hold it together quite well.

She said "Best we just forget about the holiday"

Sorry that you were so upset - but maybe your mother will finally get the message? Perhaps she needed to be shocked a bit? Now perhaps she will be a bit more helpful to you.

And well done for standing up to ex-h as well!

My sister had already pre-warned mum that I was not happy about the holiday idea.

I said that it wouldn't be right for me to go away with ex H.
mum said she wouldn't expect us to sleep in the same bed or anything, and I told her there was no way I could do it, and it would be a really bad idea all round.

I said that there was no way I could go, as even taking the boys on my own would be wrong, as they need to see their dad at Christmas time.

She said "Best we just forget it then"

Well done. Perhaps the message is getting through to her finally.

Keep making a stand because it wouldn't take much for them to get up to their tricks again.