Parents want to go away for Christmas, and they want all the family with them, which includes my ex!

[Pinkchampagne]

They want to go abroad because staying at home will be too upsetting without Nan, which I can totally understand as Christmas Eve has always been Nan's day, for as long as I can remember, and we will all be feeling very sad without her this year.
They feel that it would be more bearable if we all go away for Christmas, and they have talked to my ex husband about possibly going to Florida. (he told me about this when he phoned to speak to boys on Mon night)
They haven't said anything to me yet, but they apparantly want all the family there, and dad is going to call one of his family meetings about this!

I feel it would be good to get away this year, and Christmas is a time where you should be with your family, so I should make the effort, but I just don't know if I could grit my teeth and get through it.

I wouldn't want the boys away from their dad at Christmas time either, and he would obviously want to see them, so can kind of understand him being included in a way, but it would feel wrong to go away with him & could give him & my family false hope.

What do I do about this one?

what? they gave him keys to your house??? what planet are they on?

Welcome to PCWorld, warthog! And not the one with loads of computers!

The story - as I recall - was:

• ex-H was looking after the kids at PC's house one night, whilst she went out
• she got home and he left, and it turned out he'd taken her door key with her
• she texted "I have no key" to which he replied "oh dear. You'll have to sleep with one eye open" (how reasonable)
• it later transpired that PC's mum had had another key cut for the ex-H, so he in fact had two keys to the house.

Go figure.

Actually don't. It's impossible. Surely all the evidence that's needed is in the fact that they went and talked to ex-H about going away for Christmas without so much as a merest mention to PC herself.

they never stop, do they???

you have got to be firm, tell them it is him or you, not both.
Or just tell them you've got other plans. Grown up people do not HAVE to go back to their parents for Christmas! I am planning a nice one alone with my chidlren, AP and poss a friend if she comes to us.

lol at PC world!

Yes, that is pretty much the key story spot on, tribpot!

Mum said today that she got it cut for him to give to me, but why would she give it to him in the first place? Also, I am big enough to get my own keys cut when I need them!

I have told mum, NN.

That is just a story.
Can you manage without giving your key to either of them in future?
you have got to show them that you are serious, since they dont seem to respect your decisions at the moment.

I didn't give either of them a key. Mum got herself one cut while looking after DS2 in my house, while I was at work.

Mum did actually seem to listen to what I was saying today. I think it was because I was clearly very upset.

yes, I understand. It is normal to give the babysitter a key, but I would make a point of not letting anyone near my keys, who made a copy without my permission. Difficult if you rely on them for babysitting though. just read the whole thread now - good thing you squashed that crazy idea, would have been the christmas from hell, I should think. What will they come up with next?

I won't be needing her round to look after DS2 while I work now, as he has started school.
I left her the key so that she could get in and out with him, and she went & got herself a key cut.

thats an improvement then! (not relying on her for babysitting, I mean) Cannot imagine what she was thinking about, but it does imply a belief that you are still 15....

I have just received a text from BIL, saying "Florida's off then?"
He won't be best pleased, but I'm not stopping them going. They have to understand how hard a situation it is for me.

How are things with you now, NN?

I think you have to reply "no, it's not. You can always go without us" Don't let them blame you for the cancellation of the holidays. If your mum wanted all the family in Florida she could have started by not inviting your ex.

Just reply "Is it? We were never going but there's nothing to stop you."

Perhaps you need to be a little less controlled around your mum. She has responded more positively because she has seen how upset you are. Maybe she has felt that your divorce was just a little aberration because you seemed so controlled. She's still been terribly in the wrong in supporting X rather than you, but, given her relationship with your dad, it was always going to be thus.

PC! Brilliant! I am so pleased that you let your Mum know everything and didn't hold back. Why should you? She's your mum, it's important she knows how you feel and it's right that your needs should be heard. i am sorry that you have had to work so very hard to make anyone listen to you....but don't back track, keep it up!

Now she has listened, i wouldn't, personally, go down the 'you go if you wnat' route - it is a HUGE advance that she has listened and said 'it's off' rather than 'oh, you're not coming, then', and a huge advance that she has admitted that she would like to stay and have Xmas ith the boys. You have got yourself in the lead - excellent! Now, maybe, have a coffee with her and say 'Thank you for understanding about Florida...let's see if we can plan something nice here' etc etc.

And don't tell her you have been out with anyone else, but DO tell her about ex and his barmaid...have another outburst and say 'how an i supposed to be all jolly with him over the Xmas tavble when he is shagging a Mum from school who i have to talk to??' - make it clear you are not in any way jealous or looking back - but that it is impossible to play happy fmailies when he has thrust his sex life into your working life! It might just cause a bit of a re-think in the way they view him as a saint. Also - he has clearly been woinding your parents round his litte finger, with his talk of how much he loves you. And thereby encouraging all these joint arrangements. And then he comes round and starts on about your own house - he is a total toytal bastard!

I am so pleased you had your say....be exhilarated, not downhearted, you have moved streets ahead!

XXXXXXXXXX

Missed all of this but just wanted to say, well done for standing your ground with your mum. Every time it will get a little easier and you will not have to be backed so far in to a corner. Fab result PC, and I totally agree with Lilibet's post that you can make your first Christmas without your beloved nan, and also in your new home, the start of special happy routines for you and your boys. Cooking, going to a carol service, maybe a treat outing to a panto or Christmas film in the run up, making decorations...

Well DONE PC, BIG virtual bottle of bubbly on its way ! Sounds like letting go with your mum was the best way of getting the message across. Your family doesn't HAVE to understand your reasons for separating - but they DO have to accept it. And by doing so, they will implicitly accept that you ARE an adult, independant person able to make your own decisions.

Have you changed your locks, by the way? Couldn't believe the key story. My parents haven't even got a key to my house, and if they did, even with their fondness for my ex, they certainly wouldn't dream of giving him one. I am open mouthed...

And don't let them know you are seeing anyone. Less info means more power. If the relationship goes well, just hug it to yourself for awhile - otherwise if it goes wrong, it'll just give them more ammo.

Yes - just think - a Christmas tree decorated the way the boys like it, with them helping and making naff decorations - not a designer-themed good-taste-fest with no boys allowed!

Very true, Blu, and no tantrums putting it up either!

Thank you all for your messages. I do feel I have taken a big step here, and I do feel relieved now that I have got it all off my chest, but I have also been feeling pretty wobbly today, and I'm not sure why.
The teacher I work with kept asking if I was ok because I looked upset, and I have always been good at switching off at work.
I don't know why I'm feeling all churned up, as I should just feel relieved.

BIL asked if it was because ex was working when he text about the holiday being off, and I replied "No, it is just that I don't feel it is a good idea for us to go away together when we are no longer a couple"
He didn't reply, and is probably cross & sulky, but he gets cross and sulky very easy, so nothing unusual!

Well done, pc .

Good on yer.

Your BIL is a cheeky git!

BIL is very buddy buddy with ex H, and has never really supported me in the whole situation.

When I went out with my sister on Friday, he was going on about how we had to behave, and my sister said that I didn't have to behave, to which he replied "Yes she does!"

I also found out from mum, that when the holiday idea was brought up, ex H said "Oh PC would love that!"

does look like another shot at getting the two of you back together PC, florida is a big holiday especially for famillies, I know you want your children to see their dad at christmas but I dont think your ex should go. Your children are going to be wrapped up in a fantasy for a couple of weeks and having mummy and daddy there will feel magical to them, then they come home and you part ways again, I think its going to bring force hope for the boys.

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