Parents want to go away for Christmas, and they want all the family with them, which includes my ex!

[Pinkchampagne]

They want to go abroad because staying at home will be too upsetting without Nan, which I can totally understand as Christmas Eve has always been Nan's day, for as long as I can remember, and we will all be feeling very sad without her this year.
They feel that it would be more bearable if we all go away for Christmas, and they have talked to my ex husband about possibly going to Florida. (he told me about this when he phoned to speak to boys on Mon night)
They haven't said anything to me yet, but they apparantly want all the family there, and dad is going to call one of his family meetings about this!

I feel it would be good to get away this year, and Christmas is a time where you should be with your family, so I should make the effort, but I just don't know if I could grit my teeth and get through it.

I wouldn't want the boys away from their dad at Christmas time either, and he would obviously want to see them, so can kind of understand him being included in a way, but it would feel wrong to go away with him & could give him & my family false hope.

What do I do about this one?

Well, I do admire you, being prepared to consider something so unpalatable for fear of upsetting your family - the same family that has no qualms about upsetting you by their constant attempts to force you into the company of your ex.

Why do you have to go at all? Just say you think it's a lovely idea for everyone to spend time at Christmas together but that you think it would be better for the boys if they got used to the idea of sharing their parents at Christmas so you've decided to stay at home so that both you and ex can see them seperately at Christmas.

Agree it could be very confusing for them to see you and ex on holiday with them together!

Hi Pink Champagne, I think I've seen a posting on your parents before, so hope you won't mind my butting in. But WHY are they finding it so difficult to accept the split? Are they terribly religious or something? I assume the split came from you rather than your ex. I do think it's a bit thick that they've discussed it with him before you.

Just to warn you, my parents were appalled when I split with my ex - and refused to acknowledge my new partner for a couple of years (he was known as 'That Man' - but eventually they came round, helped by my sister pointing out that I looked so much happier and also dd had adjusted to the new situation. But it took time and patience...

They DID suggest inviting exh for the first Christmas - but soon dropped the idea when I pointed out what a BAD idea it was - and it was only 2 miles up the road - not Florida!

Can sympathise totally - my parents insisted on still involving exdh in everything as they were anti the split and it is very difficult for everyone, not to mention the dcs as it might also give them false hope about you being together, too confusing for them I think.
My parents still have our wedding pic in full view on upstairs landing bookshelf for everyone including dp of 4 years to be faced with, even though I make a point of removing it each time I stay and relegating it to spare bedroom

if you aren;t comfortable with it then your have to say either

1. no I (and the DC's) are not coming if he is coming too
2. I will only agree (because I want the boys to see their dad at Xmas) if he stays in a differnt hotel to us.

Upsetting you does not rank lower down the list than upsetting anyone else. You can say that having to "live" with him will ruin your Xams so you are not going to do it as that will also ruin your boys Xmas if you are upset.

Tanee, I think part of PC's parents' problem is that the ex-H is very like her dad, and thus there was "nothing wrong" in the marriage (because her mum has put up with this level of sh*t for the last however many decades, PC should have too).

I think they are also very controlling; they controlled PC and then she found a very controlling husband who shared their views, so they got to control her by proxy.

Now they can't control her directly so are going for the emotional blackmail option to try and keep her on the leash.

Sorry, PC, that sounds absolutely terrible but that's how I feel about your parents. This whole 'take ex-H for the kids' sake' is a cover-up for their belief (a) that you haven't really separated from ex-H because how could you and (b) if they push you together enough you'll go back to him.

Totally understand this as my parents are very similar. My Mum insisted on keeping my wedding photo up in pride of place for nearly 9 years!!! after I split with first DH. Even insisting she was going to leave it when I came to visit with second DH because "Its such a nice photo of you". When I was going through a bad patch with second DH and made the mistake of confiding in her, her advice was to make contact with first DH - despite the fact he is fully committed elsewhere with two step children who look upon him as their Dad.

Sorry but I don t know the full circumstances of your split with Ex but holidays can be stressful at the best of times without being forced to be with an Ex you do not feel comfortable around. I understand you don t want to rock the boat because of your Nan but you have lost her too, why would you choose to spend the first Christmas without her with someone you have painfully split up with. It seems to me that your needs are being completely ignored so personally I would feel free from considering their needs and do what suits you but of course that is easier said than done when it comes to mad families.

Oh God I wish I had been keeping a log, because if you put this all down in one place noone could believe that parents could be so F"""ing controlling.

What is the name of that mad tabloid ? You know Elvis's car found on the moon one ??

Even they wouldn't take this as they would reckon no one would believe it !!!

Madder than a box of frogs I tell you.

Is that the National Enquirer, Bree? "Further madness from PC HQ: now they want to go on holiday TOGETHER"

Hi Wisteria (waving across the road). Do we have similar parents! Mine still have a huge enlargement of me as a bride over the piano & exh & me on the piano. No pics of me and dp yet !

Thanks for filling me in, Tribpot - yes, I do remember something of this now. PC, either you go for the family thing and book into a totally seperate hotel, so you can get RIGHT away if necessary - or just don't go at all and have a nice peaceful Christmas at home with your kids, letting them see your ex as appropriate.

Me, I'd do the latter (I had to endure three Christmasses without DP because my parents wouldn't meet him. Last year we finally did Christmas in our new home with parents and sister's family, and everyone had a great time .

The wedding pics are still on the piano, though...

I like the term, 'mad as a box of frogs', Bree !

Oh pc why are YOU the last to be considered in all of this?

Your parents are unreal. Totally understand about the situation with your nan - but how dare they speak to your ex before even mentioning this to you? I think you're amazingly calm in the circumstances.

If you want to go, and you could cope being away with him, then go for it.

If not though, however hard it may be, you must stand up for yourself, say you want to start this Christmas as you mean to go on, with the children seeing you both separately. End of story.
On top of that you will be making sure you don't confuse the children, and you can start building some new family traditions for Christmas eve etc.

I understand they want to get away. And Christmas is a family time. But you're going through a break up and have had an awful time - so why is nobody thinking of you? You don't have to all go away to make Christmas special and different. Just takes a bit of thought and understanding from everyone involved. Not just you making the compromises all the time.

I really feel for you. But you have to start thinking of yourself too - because if you don't then who will!

I am thinking for myself, but in this situation, I was feeling a bit messed up because of my nan's recent death.

I have been out tonight, and have been thinking about this a lot, and it should not result in me going abroad for Christmas

That makes no sense. I will post properly tomorrow

I really must stop trying to post replies when under the influence of alcohol!

I went out for a few drinks with some friends last night, and discussed this with them.
They both thought my parents were unbelievable, and that it was another of their plans to force us back together.

I feel bad because I understand Christmas will be hard without Nan - I get upset just thinking about it, and I know mum will find it especially hard. However, going away is not going to take that upset away, just distract us a bit, and we could distract ourselves just as much by going out for the day Christmas Eve, or doing something very different in this country!

Bree - they are madder than a bag of frogs at times!
I was discussing the latest happenings with a friend I hadn't seen for a few months recently, and she said to me "You do know that if you ever wrote a book about your life, they would insist on putting it in the fiction section, as it is just so unbelievable!
I can kind of see where she's coming from there!

I haven't even had this Christmas plan discussed with me by my parents yet, just had ex H inform me.

You know what Pinky? I haven't posted on your threads before but I have read them and I just want to give you a big hug. What a difficult situation for anyone to be in and you are sooooo nice - FAR TOO NICE tbh ... trying to keep everyone happy etc etc ...
No advice but only hugs to give {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I hope you find a solution ...

I would preempt them PC, tell them ex has mentioned it and there is no way you are considering it.

I agree you could do something nice either xmas eve or day as a family, but as you boys are feeling the split at the mo, letting them get settled then spending xmas with ex would be absurd.

I too think they are extremely controlling of you, and you need to step away from it as much as you can. How much support do they offer you? I think I would distance myself TBH for as long as it takes for them to accept the split. I'm not talking about cutting them out, but you don't need such headache causing interference!!

Why not write all these antics down? Bet you could get it published and make a mint! Would definately be sold as fiction though - they are outrageous!!

Pinky, they really aren't real and you are amazing for not loosing it with them.

The first Christmas without someone you love is always going to be hard no matter where you are, I think this is the time to set up some new traditions for you and your boys (How old are they BTW?) and set up a Christmas routine for you and your ex.

For example

Christmas Eve morning, decorate a christmas cake - doesn't matter if it's a shop bought one, get some icing and some robins and have a good time doing it, or make mince pies for Father Christmas coming later.

Afternoon - Find a church which has a crib service, and go to that.

Get a chippy tea on your way home and then get everything ready for FC coming later - write him thank you notes, get Rudolph's carrot ready, have a look on the NORAD site which tracks his progress throughout the world, then get the boys in bed with a Christmas Story.

Yes, it will be hard without your Nan, the first Christmas without my Dad was awful, but you will get through it.

"Just say no"!

You are too concerned about your mother's feelings. She is able to use her own mother's death as a tool to manipulate you - how cold hearted is that? Does she even have real feelings? Dammit, Nan's gone, now I won't be able to get PC to spend Christmas with him - aha, I know, how about we all go away together... I mean, is that how a bereaved daughter usually thinks? Does she even have time to mourn in between making her plans for other people's lives? Thank God you grew up with proper emotions, PC, but don't let your good nature be used to trample you underfoot.

I'm sorry about your Nan, but I think you'll get over it better by NOT being with all the people who used to spend that day with her. You can raise a glass and shed a tear for her, maybe that will become part of your new tradition, but you'll be too busy making it a fun time for the boys to sit moping.

I agree with the others - it would be best to start this first Christmas as you mean to go on - not with you & ex together. Things are still raw for your kids, your parents & you with regard to your breakup & your Nan - spending it together with ex will only set you all back & give them unreal hopes. Wishing you lots of strength & of course you have our support.
x

Thank you all, I know you are all right, and knew I could rely on MN to drum some sense into me!

I have been getting myself quite uptight about all this, and even though my parents can be a nightmare, I don't want to upset them.
I think a part of you is programmed to want to please your parents, no matter how they behave, and I know I should be tougher with mine.

What about them not upsetting you???????

Do what's right for you and your boys. Don't try to do it to make your parents happy.

If you want to go to Florida with them, then that is an option. Who is goign to pay BTW? If you do, and you also want your ex-p to have the opportunity to share Christams, then that is a separate issue. But as you astutely realsie, you need to be careful that the fact that he is there might give your boys (forget about your family - they are a lost casue) false hope. You need to be sure that wahtever decsion you make is best for them in the long run

{{{{Hugs}}}} - I am sure you will make the right decision and don't let your grief for your Nan colour your jusdgement. She would have wanted what was best for you.

I know it would be very confusing for the boys, and wouldn't be healthy all round.

I am going to suggest (when they finally get round to discussing this with me!) that we maybe go somewhere different on christmas Eve, but that going abroad isn't the best of ideas given our circumstances.

we don't need to be away for weeks, we just need some kind of distraction over Christmas, which can be done in this country.

So glad I posted on here before they put this one to me!

Are you sure they even intended discussing it with you?

Having sussed out from ex-h that he was happy with it, I suspect they'd just present it to you as a fait accompli and then you'd be the bad guy in refusing to go along with established plans.

Perhaps you need to raise the issue of Christmas plans with them sooner rather than later. Along the lines of "I've decided to do x with the boys this Christmas to get them used to the idea of spending the festivities in two places."

Set out your own established plans and then see what they say.