Parents want to go away for Christmas, and they want all the family with them, which includes my ex!

[Pinkchampagne]

They want to go abroad because staying at home will be too upsetting without Nan, which I can totally understand as Christmas Eve has always been Nan's day, for as long as I can remember, and we will all be feeling very sad without her this year.
They feel that it would be more bearable if we all go away for Christmas, and they have talked to my ex husband about possibly going to Florida. (he told me about this when he phoned to speak to boys on Mon night)
They haven't said anything to me yet, but they apparantly want all the family there, and dad is going to call one of his family meetings about this!

I feel it would be good to get away this year, and Christmas is a time where you should be with your family, so I should make the effort, but I just don't know if I could grit my teeth and get through it.

I wouldn't want the boys away from their dad at Christmas time either, and he would obviously want to see them, so can kind of understand him being included in a way, but it would feel wrong to go away with him & could give him & my family false hope.

What do I do about this one?

They are all, your parents and your X, still trying to control and manipulate you.

Your parents behaviour is truly bizarre and beyond the pale in discussing such an arrangement with your X before sounding out your feelings. Your X is trying to get to you through the boys by getting their hopes up and then being able to blame you as the bad guy if it doesn't happen.

You absolutely have to stand up to them. Your mum is effectively using your nan's death as a tool to force you into a situation you don't want. It's truly unbelievable.

Hi PC, how did it go with your sister last night? Could she be a mediator?

My mind is boggling with the accounts you and some of the others have given of parent behaviour over exes. I thought mine were bad, but I see that I've come off relatively lightly!

My sister was a huge help when ex and I split, in speaking up for me - particularly to my mum. (My mum has always considered my sis to be the 'sensible' one even though she is several years younger than I - helped by her being married for 19 years whilst I only managed 12 - even DD has noticed this and gives me hugs when mum really winds me up , but I really don't think my mum realises she does this. It did, however, work to my advantage when sis stood up for me over the divorce, as she seems to listen to sis more than to me).

I knew this would be you before I opened it!

Just Say No. No encouraging the loonies who are pretending the split never happened, it will make them worse.

I went out with my sister & a couple of her friends last night, & I asked her what she knew of mum & dad's Christmas holiday plans.

She told me that she had been behind a lot of it herself (thoughts of getting away for Christmas), as she feels Christmas will be awful if we stay here.
I'm not sure if she came up with the idea first, but she certainly seemed to think the holiday itself was a good idea, and was encouraging my parents to go ahead with the plan.

I told her that I felt uncomfortable with the whole idea of spending time abroad with ex, and that I also felt it would give both ex H and our parents signals that all may just work out ok with us, when that is never going to be the case.

My sister seemed to feel my parents are starting to accept the separation more now, and given up hope of us getting back together, but I disagree there.

I told her that I felt it would all be wrong, and that I didn't think I could do it.

She seemed a bit put out, and said "but you get on ok, it's not like you're at each others throats"
I told her that it wasn't right, and that everyone I have spoken to agrees that it is a mad idea.

Spoke to one of her friends (who I also know pretty well), and she agreed with me, telling me (like you all are) that I have to do what I want to do in this situation, and stand up to my family.

I know you are all right in everything you say. Everyone I have told about this, has also said the same. It is just my family who can't see how wrong it would be.

Going round to my parents tomorrow.

They can't see how wwrong it would be, but more importantly, they can't see that it should be YOU who makes the decision about whether ex goes, not your parents or your sister!!

Grrrrr at your sister - she should know better, really. Was she not even a bit understanding of how it would make you feel that your ex was asked FIRST?

I can see that the holiday itself could be a good idea in many ways. That isn't the issue. It's the inclusion of ex.

Best of luck with your parents. If ex had any decency at( all* he would have declined or at least said 'well let's see what PC thinks of that, shall we?' given that he does ahve an awareness of how your parents mistreat you and treat him like the golden boy.

Oooooo, i could so easily oush your mother off a cliff!

Not really, in RL, obvioulsy....or probably not really....

My sister did kind of understand me being angry that he knew before me, but she said "You know what they are like"

She didn't know that dad is wanting to call some silly family meeting about all this either, and thinks that is ridiculous.

None of my family understand my thinking, and don't understand my reasons for ending the relationship either.
I only get sense drummed into me from other people!

no
no
no

You are not a child, to have your social life arranged for you by your elders.

You are an adult.

It would upset your children to go on holiday with you and their daddy only for him to go back to his own place after the holiday.

If the holiday idea came from your sister, then she's not going to be happy with any dissention from you. She is being selfish in not wanting her plans to be upset by anything so trivial as you not wanting to go on holiday with your ex!

I think you need to make it abundantly clear to all concerned that you are quite happy to go on holiday, but not with ex in tow.

Hi - just wanted to add a message of support. If you concentrate on the reasons behind not going together for the boys, your parents can have much less 'pull' and should hopefully back down a little easier. Well done on you for trying to keep the peace though - it's much easier just being nasty!

Sorry, pinkchampagne, I don't know how I missed this before.

I think Freckle's advice, as ever, is excellent - two alternatives, firstly they take you and the boys but not ex-H; secondly they take ex-H but not you and the boys.

Your sister is being extremely selfish here but as my sister is like that too, it doesn't seem all that surprising to me, lol.

Hi Pc, I havent seen any of your posts before, but this strikes me as manipulative in the extreme. First they tell your ex, who informs the boys, so they can start putting emotional pressure on. Surely they had envisaged that? It is not healthy for neither you or the boys.

Maybe it is time, as another poster said, to start your own Christmas traditions with your boys. You can make it magical for your little family.

Thank you all again for your advice.

I know the whole thing is a mad idea, but I have been getting myself quite uptight about it all.

I think the world of my sister, but she can be quite selfish (I tell her that she can be a brat, and she agrees!), and can be quite brain washed by my parents.

It is hard when your whole family (including sister & BIL) think a lot of your ex, and just don't understand any of this.

I will now have to try to have a talk with my parents. I have been invited round for dinner today.

My mum has just text to say ex H is also coming round for dinner!
This really is beyond a joke now. They are definitely up to something.

Just dont go. Make a stand.
You dont have to dance to their tune.

He is not a part of your family anymore, if they want to keep him part of theirs, it is their choice. YOU on the other hand can chose to have no part in it.

Refuse to to. Tell them that you resent their constant attempts to get you and X together. Tell them that you divorced him because of his unreasonable behaviour towards you and that it is totally unacceptable that they keep trying to force you into his company.

You are in control of your life now, PC. Don't hand that back to either X or your parents.

Refuse to go

I won't go round now. I just can't believe them sometimes!

Don't go.
Gosh, I haven't been following your threads and don't know all the background but goodness, they need to be told to butt out.

That is just mad isn't it?

Also, on sister, REFUSE to discuss anything about your ex or parents with sister and likewise with parents - don't get into talking to any of them about anyof the rest of them. This has immeasurably improved relations in my family - I will not discuss sister 1 with sister 2 or either of them with my mum and it's stopped a lot of rows. OBv I sometimes forget but on the whole I try to follow that rule. So say to sister "sorry, I don't want to talk about what x thinks., I'kk talk to them abou tit"

They are being awful and manipulative and they should be being supportive bt are being unsupportive in the most devious and horrible way.

I think you have to make a stand - every time they invite your exh then you refuse to go. This is the only way that they will get the message.

Why does your exh keep accepting these invitations? Does he still want you to be together? You need also to make it abundantly clear to him that this is not going to happen. Going to cosy family meals or on holiday is not going to convince him either.

Stay strong and stand up for yourself!

And broken record technique might be good so

"I don't want to discuss it but I am not coming to dinner/Florida" and just keep repeating your position calmly. don't debate, it's NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION, it's YOUR decision,
good luck,

Absolutely agree with WWW - the moment you start discussing the details/issues, you have lost. Take the higher ground and take charge by not discussing it, just stating your position. Again. And again.

thanks, I will try not to discuss it with them anymore - it gets me nowhere anyway.
I am so shocked!