New girlfriend

[browneyedgirlclj]

My ex fiancé and I split up two years ago. His decision. We have two young children we share 50/50 care of. He moved out 18 months ago and found a new girlfriend soon after. I admit I still had feelings for him when he met her and I wasn't keen on accepting her or meeting her at first. She is good to the children though. I don't have any support so still need my ex to come over and help me with jobs round the house and in the garden etc. My ex and I have a strained relationship for a few reasons but I still want us to go places together with the children, have holidays together and celebrate events as a family without his girlfriend. The first year we did all this but then she objected to us all going to an event that meant we'd all stay over together in a family room. It was separate beds in the room! We text each other most days and FaceTime the children when we aren't with them. I feel when my ex and our children and I attend stuff that she's coming to, she should travel separately as we (me, the children and ex) should all go in the same car as a family. She made a fuss about this according to whatmy ex told me. They now live together which I wasn't that happy about but he still comes and helps me out. Why can't she accept I'm always going to be in his life and he still cares about me and will always come round and help me as the mum to his children? He's already said to me about what happens if they split up so all can't be that great. Her behaviour seems petty.

@browneyedgirlclj Your friends, like most friends, are telling you exactly what they know you want to hear. You need to listen to the advice here, we are not your friends, we are strangers who can give you an unbiased opinion of the situation we see here. Your girlfriends don't want to hurt or upset you, therefore they won't tell you the blunt, honest truth of the matter.

If this man wanted you back, he could have you with a click of his fingers, you know that, he knows that. The fact that he isn't clicking those fingers tells you everything you need to know. He may be worried that if he pisses you off you will make it difficult for him to see the children, therefore he stays in touch regularly.

My Brother has just split up with his partner of 30 years, she has a new partner. She still speaks on the phone to my Brother every day, it is because she is worried about his mental state, could this be what it is with you and your ex?

My xh and I holiday together with the children, and have the occasional day out, but neither of us is in a new relationship, if either of us were I wouldn't expect it to continue at all, so I think you are being completely unreasonable.

You are totally unreasonable. Your ex and his girlfriend have been very tolerant -l would not be for the record. Why does your ex need to do these jobs round your house, he doesn’t live there anymore. Can’t you do them yourself or pay someone? You need to move on, your current demands are far from healthy

He texts me every day. Sometimes it seems like the texts are excuses to be in contact - that's what my friends think. Why would he intimate to me that they might split up? I think he feels guilty for splitting up and can't let me go.

Ahhhh and here ^ the crazy reveals itself - if you really didn't want a relationship with him why would you be discussing this with your friends or giving it any thought whatsoever?

But seriously @browneyedgirlclj - things change.
What if he marries her - she becomes a permanent addition to your DCs life possibly taking on more of a role of step mum.
Would she still be expected to travel separately? Would you still feel it's appropriate to be calling him up asking for him to come do DIY whenever you feel like ?

What if they do have DCs? How will that dynamic work? What if they want to take the DCs and the new baby on a little day out as their little family unit with their child and step brother/sisters? Would you expect to go?

Think about what you are saying.

Op I can appreciate it must be very hard to not be with him anymore and to see he has moved on and watch your kids go off to spend time together with him his girlfriend.

I’m sorry about that, but everything you are doing is so unreasonable that you are making her the victim here. He is telling you that she is unhappy with your rules but what her really means is that HE is unhappy with these rules otherwise he wouldn’t bother to mention it would he? He would simply tell his girlfriend to suck it up and go along with what you dictate anyway. Him telling you it’s a problem for her is because it’s a problem for him too, he’s just making her the scapegoat because he HAS to deal with you. If you keep pushing the boundaries like this he/she will eventually get pissed off enough that he withdraws completely and he’ll end up having as little contact with you as humanly possible. He has been with this girlfriend for a year and she now lives with him, for him and for her this relationship is serious, if it wasn’t she would have walked already rather than sticking around and putting up with you being a feature in their relationship.

If you keep behaving like this you’ll be pushing him further towards her and further away from the kind of co parenting relationship your aiming for. Whilst this might be a shock I’ll let you know now that what your doing is eventually forcing him to choose and OP it won’t be you he chooses. He’s been with her a while, she lives with him, he has introduced the kids to her....it’s serious, he loves her! All he does now is to keep the peace with you, and it will not last forever, patience and tempers will run out. If you really do want a positive and healthy Co parenting relationship with him then change things now while you still can.

I can promise you OP that if you stop excommunicating her and be reasonable in allowing her to be part of normal family events like children’s birthdays or Christmas she will never think or feel like she trumps you. You might not be his partner/wife/girlfriend anymore but you ARE the mother of his/your children and your the woman that made him a father. You will always be your children’s mother nothing will ever change that.

Just because you 'agreed' on this set up before you split doesn't mean it will be the reality, things changed, he is with someone now you have to accept it: I actually feel sorry for the girlfriend imagine if you were in her shoes, your also putting your kids dad in a very awkward situation. Once you meet someone and settle down you won't want want to be doing all these things with him and I doubt the other man would like it either!

You sound like the sort of woman who might withhold contact if he stopped doing your odd jobs and going on your weird "family" trips. Got to keep you sweet hasnt he if he wants to keep seeing his kids

@Lillygolightly all of this

Why did you actually split up?

OP you need to move on with your own life and do your own thing. You ex and his girlfriend may well marry, have children etc. So what if they do. It’s their lives and they can what they want. It’s none of your business and you can’t veto anything

I think he feels guilty for splitting up and can't let me go

Guilt isn't love. If might feel you can't cope so HAS to help. Show him you can manage on your own. I suspect he left because you are too dependant on him and it must be draining
His girlfriend is trying to help you as you need to move on. If you are both single and get back together, fine but you need to respect that he is no longer single so the rules change.

Why did you even come on here and ask for help / advise / opinions when it's obvious you have your fingers in your ears and dont want to hear what everybody is telling you. You cant see that you are wrong and never will with your replies to peoples comments . Jog on.

Don't think I've EVER seen a post like this in Relationships where every single reply has been unanimous in saying that you definitely are in the wrong. That's a pretty clear response. Hope you are able to take that on board as some food for thought. I suspect that you'll look back at your behaviour in a couple of years when things have moved on s bit and feel a bit embarrassed. I hope you are able to move on in a mature and healthy way, for all your sakes. Best of luck.

I would be interested to know the age of the OP

Oh I am cringing, please please tell me you don’t sit around with your friends analysing his texts 😬

Aaah, OP, are you MIL?

When I came along I was completely gobsmcked to discover that the entire family was facilitating her desire to remain the matriarch and that dh' stepmother was not allowed to attend events at which mil was present. She had been married to fail for 10 years at this point.

You are crazy. You are not doing anyone any favours. Him coming over to help is unusual but fine. But trying to rep tend you are a family is completely different. You need to wake up and W accept you are no longer a family. He can come with you alone to parent teacher meetings. Otherwise, it's her and him. Stop trying to pretend you are a family. Celebrating birthdays and christmas sure, but day to day activities is silly and confusing for the children.

In the future, when you have a new partner, will you expect him to travel to family events alone, and your ex with you? What a waste of petrol! Three cars?? To quote a previous poster 'you sound crackers'

Well OP isn't listening to anyone that much is clear. Controlling nutcases exist out there and she is one of them.

Our relationship wasn't healthy, I get why we had to split. I just place a lot of away on loyalty and so does he. I know I need to accept a new girlfriend but not someone who can't accept what we decided together when we split.

you sound like the controlling one in this situation not his current partner. She has to travel separately, that's not normal behaviour.

In the nicest way, you split up two years ago. Feelings change over time. You should move on for your own mental health, as much as for your children and ex.

You're playing power games and it's really, really manipulative.

So you want her to stay out of your contact with him and say she doesn't need to be involved... and then complain that:

She avoids me when I come to his house, never is there when we FaceTime. And I'm the one with the problem?

She can't win.

You're being awful and it's really embarrassing. I suggest if you don't want them to be cringing or laughing about your behaviour you grow up and put the kids first.

Wanting her to travel in a separate car to you and him and the kids when you're all going to the same place is just plain nasty. It shows such a cruel streak that surely you can't like about yourself?

Put the kids first. That doesn't mean 'playing' happy families, it means them having two happy parents who just aren't together any more.

Unbelievably controlling and you'll end up pushing him away to the point he won't want to do anything other than hangovers and necessary contact regarding the kids.

OP, but things change. There's no way that decisions made when emotions are running high at the time of a split can be held forever.

My exh and I split up in the November. We spent that christmas together for many reasons. He'd already moved out. He bought and cooked all the food as he always had done.

The following christmas, he came to see the children open their presents and we all went out for dinner.

The following Christmas, he prepared some of the food for dinner and I prepared the rest and we ate at mine.

The following Christmas we decided it was no longer necessary to have Christmas dinner together as he was now living with a new partner. However, our daughter invited him without my knowledge. He arrived to my surprise but we made the most of it and spent a reasonable afternoon together.

We discussed it afterwards - he apologised for not checking with me before turning up - and decided that it was no longer necessary and came up with new Christmas arrangements.

I have no issue with his girlfriend. She treats my children well and they like her - what more could I want? Nowadays, they spend christmas in whichever household they choose - no pressure or expectations from either of us.

They take our children on holidays and I take them on holidays.

I've given up 'my' days with them when his girlfriend has asked if she can take them somewhere for the day - if that is what they want to do.

The point is that life and situations are constantly evolving. Wht was right then isnt necessarily what is right now and you need to let him live his own life and you live yours.

At the moment, you're just making a bit of a good of yourself, tbh

Bit of a fool of yourself

OP, she doesn't have the accept absolutely everything. It is her life to. She can suggest things that are changes for the better.
Your kids will end up hating you because of all of this, so please tread carefully

OP you sound like a maniac ! There are so many things I don’t know where to start... but it’s all relating to your being unreasonable.

You are confusing and hurting your kids. They need to accept that you are no longer with their father. There needs to be sensible boundaries and structure so that it’s easier for them. You are hurting your kids by carrying on as you have.

You are ultimately going to drive away your ex - no girlfriend he has will put up with your ridiculous demands, certainly not in the long run. You are going to cause him such problems he’ll either never keep a girlfriend or have such rocky relationships arguing over you that he’ll hate you. And this will then boil over and come out - and you’ll be left picking up the pieces with your kids.

I suspect he feels guilty over leaving you and you are playing on this by being the weak, pathetic figure who couldn’t possibly change her own lightbulbs. Get some self respect and show your children how to be independent and look after themselves.

Things do change - a key example being the fact that you and your ex surely agreed to be together before children, but things change and now you’re not. You both need to move on and stop playing families. Who cares what you agreed at the time ?

I agree with the PP who suggested AIBU is not harsh enough for you - you’re just not getting how strange and unreasonable you are... or how many people you’re hurting with your actions.

I know I need to accept a new girlfriend but not someone who can't accept what we decided together when we split.

You don't need to accept A new girlfriend you need to accept THE new girlfriend. You don't get to decide which one. You don't get a vote in this.

Of course he wouldn't tell you if he was going to have children with her. Get your head out of the sand. He may very well have a baby with her and you won't know until she is pregnant.

whatever you agreed when you split has changed. sorry but it's not carved in stone.