New girlfriend

[browneyedgirlclj]

My ex fiancé and I split up two years ago. His decision. We have two young children we share 50/50 care of. He moved out 18 months ago and found a new girlfriend soon after. I admit I still had feelings for him when he met her and I wasn't keen on accepting her or meeting her at first. She is good to the children though. I don't have any support so still need my ex to come over and help me with jobs round the house and in the garden etc. My ex and I have a strained relationship for a few reasons but I still want us to go places together with the children, have holidays together and celebrate events as a family without his girlfriend. The first year we did all this but then she objected to us all going to an event that meant we'd all stay over together in a family room. It was separate beds in the room! We text each other most days and FaceTime the children when we aren't with them. I feel when my ex and our children and I attend stuff that she's coming to, she should travel separately as we (me, the children and ex) should all go in the same car as a family. She made a fuss about this according to whatmy ex told me. They now live together which I wasn't that happy about but he still comes and helps me out. Why can't she accept I'm always going to be in his life and he still cares about me and will always come round and help me as the mum to his children? He's already said to me about what happens if they split up so all can't be that great. Her behaviour seems petty.

I don't have any support, just him. I do have friends but he wants to help me. He's always said he would and has

How often does he “help” you and with what?

The fact is OP, his life has changed - he isn’t unreasonable for that. Situations evolve. He isn’t unreasonable for that.

Why do you think you should still be able to control him?

Then, like everyone else, you buy help round the house, learn to do it yourself or build a bigger support network. 100% of ppl say your unreasonable and you just parrot the sane things.

What are all these tasks you need him for?

The sane things! Not sane things!!!

Same! Gah typing skills!

OP, this is going to sound harsh but seriously, he doesn’t want you, he won’t be coming back to you and you aren’t a couple any more. Stop trying to playact the whole happy families, happily married charade. It’s awful to read, you’re so deluded. It’s not healthy for your children to be in this position, you’re the only one damaging them.

It's been really useful being able to do basic DIY myself the last couple of weeks.
My washing machine had an error code on it last week. Then the inlet hose broke. Because I plumbed it in myself originally I was able to replace the hose and fix the fault (thanks to YouTube). It means we can continue social distancing whilst still having a working machine.

No wonder he left you, you sound absolutely crackers.

Move on from him OP and stop make wholly unreasonable demands.

I have a fabulous relationship with my mum, and a delightful relationship with my step mum, all because my mum didn't act the way you did.

I would go fuckin mental if I was the girlfriend in this situation. He's the kids dad, he's not yours anymore and he shouldn't be doing odd jobs for you unless it's for his kids. What if they have children together,? You're clinging on to something that is no longer yours sorry, you're not a family. The kids have their mum and their dad. People split up, move on. The girlfriend is not a second class citizen.

. I feel when my ex and our children and I attend stuff that she's coming to, she should travel separately as we (me, the children and ex) should all go in the same car as a family

No and I don't think you'd get many people that do that. Partners are the ones that travel together to things if all are going, not exes and their kids.

It sounds like you still want him.

You are giving your children false hope.

I think you know your own intentions here, this is not just that you want this man to carry on being a good Father, he can do that without taking you along on trips and doing jobs in your house for you. It sounds like you're still in love with this man and can't accept that he is now in love with another woman.

I''m in my late 40's now but spent much of my 30's and 40's as a single Mum. I didn't have a new partner for a number of years. Even so, I would never have asked my ex to come round and do jobs for me. If anything I wanted him to realise that I was an independent woman who didn't need him for those things. I learnt to do almost everything in my home for myself (although any kind of plumbing is my achilles' heel!

My ex would pick up our children on the weekend, take them on trips and holidays by himself, and when he got a new partner (who is a wonderful, kindhearted woman) she would go along too, I would stay home and enjoy the free time which is what I think you should be doing (you're here for opinions, therefore I'm giving mine). This is the natural progression, you are no longer his partner, she is, you are prolonging your agony with this behaviour.

You really need to move on from this situation, it will mess up your mental health as he becomes less involved with you and more involved with the new partner. How do you see the picture if and when his new partner has a child with him? Do you still think she should come second to you and your children?

You are definitely being unreasonable with your demands on his time and attention. I do understand it, unrequited love is one of the most difficult things a person ever has to deal with, it is a bash to the ego and self esteem and can take a hell of a long time to get over. This man ended the relationship with you for a reason, and it doesn't sound like he's coming back. You need to focus your attention elsewhere and crack on with your own life.. without him x

He texts me every day. Sometimes it seems like the texts are excuses to be in contact - that's what my friends think. Why would he intimate to me that they might split up? I think he feels guilty for splitting up and can't let me go.

You’re clinging to him in the hope he’ll come back. Which is why you “need” him to do jobs and you’re maintaining unnecessary contact. I know its hard when a marriage ends but you must try and become independent and respect his wishes to live his life away from you. He’s clearly trying to keep the peace and probably feels very conflicted. Let him go, your relationship with him is about the DCs no more. The new girlfriend is very tolerant too let them live their lives! The controlling person in this triangle is you.

@browneyedgirlclj
Don't reply to his texts it sounds to me like he's having his cake and eating it. Doesn't want to be with you but doesn't want you to move on either.

If he wanted to come back he’d tell you!

Stop letting him dictate. If he texts, you don't have to reply, if he offers to do something, say no

Has he text you and asked to come back and marry you... Or is he still with his girlfriend? That should tell you everything you need to know

He texts me every day. Sometimes it seems like the texts are excuses to be in contact - that's what my friends think

Are these the friends that are unable to offer you practical support....? Why would you immediately assume they were right?

I think he feels guilty for splitting up and can't let me go

You can’t let him go. Don’t you care about having some self-respect?

Put your children first and move on.

You’re obsessed with your ex. It’s not healthy. Have you thought about getting professional help?

Look OP, whatever anyone says on this thread, unless it is the same mindset as yours, you just reject the idea.

So you might as well ignore the thread and go off happy back to your little dream land.

FFS get a grip op. You have split up, he has moved on with his life and found a new partner and you dont like it. You are the one confusing your children by dragging on the farce of a family situation. You are controlling and coming across as weird. I think your ex's girlfriend deserves a medal for putting up with you and your childish demands and your ex deserves a slap for being so weak. Yes you are the mother of his children but that doesnt give you the right to click your fingers whenever you feel like it and expect him to come running for the rest of your lives. He has a new life with somebody else and could have children with her or somebody else if he chooses. None of his new life is any of your business. Arrange a mutually convenient contact arrangement for the children, talk to them about the arrangement and get it into your head that he is not your partner. Where is your new partner in all of this ? Move on with your life for goodness sake and leave them alone.

OP I think he's preventing you from moving on by giving you hope that you may get back together. But if that's the case then why did he move in with his girlfriend?

I give up. Good luck to his new girlfriend she's going to need it.

If you got back together you know he's got form for splitting the family up. It will probably happen again. You will live your life on edge and filled with suspicion. Your children will be aware of this. Let him go and move on.

This is mental. Making her travel in a separate car? A ‘family’ holiday where she stays at home and you all share the 1 room? And amazingly, you’re incapable of seeing any issue with these expectations...

He’s not yours to control anymore and he’d be well advised to firmly tell you that. Better yet, she’d be well advised to tell him and by extension, you both, to go and pound sand together.

You’re really rather creepy, OP.

Let him go.

You need to tell him its none of your business and to sort his relationship out himself.

Because it's got absolutely nothing to do with you