New girlfriend

[browneyedgirlclj]

My ex fiancé and I split up two years ago. His decision. We have two young children we share 50/50 care of. He moved out 18 months ago and found a new girlfriend soon after. I admit I still had feelings for him when he met her and I wasn't keen on accepting her or meeting her at first. She is good to the children though. I don't have any support so still need my ex to come over and help me with jobs round the house and in the garden etc. My ex and I have a strained relationship for a few reasons but I still want us to go places together with the children, have holidays together and celebrate events as a family without his girlfriend. The first year we did all this but then she objected to us all going to an event that meant we'd all stay over together in a family room. It was separate beds in the room! We text each other most days and FaceTime the children when we aren't with them. I feel when my ex and our children and I attend stuff that she's coming to, she should travel separately as we (me, the children and ex) should all go in the same car as a family. She made a fuss about this according to whatmy ex told me. They now live together which I wasn't that happy about but he still comes and helps me out. Why can't she accept I'm always going to be in his life and he still cares about me and will always come round and help me as the mum to his children? He's already said to me about what happens if they split up so all can't be that great. Her behaviour seems petty.

He's a good father. He is always there for the children. I know he doesn't want any more.

To me, that's not being loving. That's controlling a situation that was set up before she cane along

You are being way more controlling. Have a think about it.

You are not in a relationship with this man. You are coparenting.

His partner is the one who he talks to and makes plans with that involve his DC, but not you.

You facilitate his relationship with his DC as he facilitates yours with them. Like a friendly business agreement. You don't have rights to tell him personally what to do.

They won't have children of their own. I know he doesn't want any more.

My ex said that. It was one of the reasons we split, I wanted more DC and he didnt.
Hes had 3 since. I've had none.

Op he might be telling you he doesn't want any more as he knows it'll be something you want to hear but you never know they might end up having one and getting married and how would you feel then

Out of curiosity why did you split? Bet you he does have more kids and you'll be furious when he does no doubt.

Every single poster without fail has disagreed with you OP. Why post if you have no intention if listening?
I would say the girlfriend has gone past the point of being new
You are hugely damaging your children as other posters have said who had similar experiences growing up
I, too think this really cant be real. No one can be in so much denial

She avoids me when I come to his house, never is there when we FaceTime. And I'm the one with the problem?

Yes, you are. She avoids you because you try to dominate in her own home and while your ex may be so scared of you he allows that she isn’t going to. But rather than have a showdown with you about your batshit behaviour she absences herself. It’s very restrained of her. I don’t really understand why you are in their house at all.

Let’s be honest, op. What have you threatened your ex with? Do you tell him the kids won’t love him? Do you say you’ll tell them ‘what he’s really like’ if he doesn’t do as you say? Do you tell him you won’t let him see them?

If he were on here we’ve be advising him to go to court to define contact legally and not let you dictate.

You are unreasonable, not her. It sounds like you haven’t accepted the fact that you are just co-parenting now, not in a relationship with him anymore. Learn to sort the jobs in your house yourself and stop dictating how the group of you travel to ‘family’ events . It sounds like she’s been around for quite long and they may get married, for the sake of your own mental health you need to start thinking about the possibility that she becomes a permanent part of his life

I'm not in their house. I FaceTime when the children are with him and drop them off and have a brief chat with him.

OP. He won’t come back to you. Your family has a different shape now.

Your bitterness will destroy the family life you have with your children.

Why would you want rhat?

I don't think you're going to listen to reason OP so I'm not sure there was much point in your posting.

This is a wind up surely

Maybe if you let go a little the 'girlfriend' might be less concerned. Have you tried putting yourself in her shoes. Would you be happy if your partners new girlfriend expected the same from you?

@PorpentinaScamander I'm sorry to hear that. I asked for a contribution towards new uniform and got the shit ripped out of me. This is from the guy who said the DC will never go without anything they need!!

Ok you've had some really sensible advice but you didn't come here for that, you came here to try and rationalise your behaviour.

I'll say it, you're being so unreasonable that I feel even AIBU isn't harsh or real enough for you.

You sound unhinged.
You sound possessive and obsessive and if your EX was my current partner, I would not even be wasting my time with you or accommodating your pathetic behaviour.
Your EX will eventually, if he hasn't already, realise what a drain on his life you are and hopefully he will formalise contact arrangements that you will NOT be part of.
YOU are confusing your poor children by not teaching them healthy life lessons.

All it will take is a strong, loving, confident and independent woman to show him what a normal person does when a relationship breaks down, children or no children and he will absolutely and rightly so change your setup. I hope his current partner is that person.

Oh and you do know, birthing his children does not give you exclusive rights for life over him, you're not in a special category and ultimately he still left you, ask yourself why?

He can and more than likely will have children with someone else and you'll be there all bitter and twisted about it.

Stop this drama.
Have some self respect and let him go, he has clearly let you go, and this is from someone who is an ex-wife with 3 children with her ex-husband and I would never behave the way you do because I'm not crazy.

@browneyedgirlclj
I know exactly how you feel. My ex promised me we would always do things together ‘ don’t worry I’ll never let you go without ‘ is a direct quote. Turns out he’s a liar I’ve definitely gone without.
Having said that you have to let it go. Not for his sake or hers but for yours.
You will never have the co parenting relationship you are hoping for it’s just not realistic. Not many women would tolerate holidays and cinema trips with an ex. In fact I’m pretty sure if the new girlfriend posted on here she would be told to LTB.
For your own sake let go.

What is gonna happen when he has a baby with her will the new baby be invited on your day trips and holidays. If you still want to be a family get back together otherwise you need to let him go and see him once a week. As for jobs get someone in much easier

OP, it looks like you won't change your mind, no matter what people say here.

Just try to put yourself in her shoes. You wouldn't accept half a relationship either just because your new man has children with his ex. You're still acting like you're his partner and can have claims on him. You can't. The children can, but you can't and you need to stop acting like a nightmare ex. Ofcourse she is avoiding you, you are trying to treat her like shit and it sounds like your partner is a good man, because he won't let you do that to his GF.

Furthermore, you can pay people to have things done around your house, you know. Or learn how to do it yourself, it's not rocket science and with the internet age there are plenty of instructions to be found online to do something things.

I know it's hard spec if you dobt have much support x

Speechless that someone with your mindset actually exists

I don't have any support, just him. I do have friends but he wants to help me. He's always said he would and has.

Wow. Those poor children

Why would you want so much contact and 'help' from a man who left you? I mean that kindly but take back some respect for yourself x