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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Abusive Partner - next steps

157 replies

mumof5cn · 01/04/2020 22:05

Don't know where to start so I will keep it brief but please ask me questions if need be.

I have 5 children. 14,12,7,2 and 7wks. Older 3 are from a previous relationship and youngest 2 from current relationship.

Been together 4 and half years. The domestic abuse towards me started about 3yrs ago in final months of pregnancy with our 2yr old son. Took me a very long time to accept what it was, bad would happen then things would become good and it went round and round in circles like that.

Anyway, to get to the point. He started a month or so ago saying nasty things to our 2yr old and calling him names. I told him not to do it and that it wasn't right and the damage and could do to our son. Again like how he is with me, it would stop then happen again. 2 days ago it got worse. He slapped him so hard that he left a big red hand mark on his leg. Then yesterday our son wouldn't pick up some toys my partner had asked him to so he lost his temper again calling him names then picked him up and threw him half way across the room by his arm on to the sofa then again stormed off into another room. I was mortified, I cried, my son was sobbing saying daddy pushed me daddy pushed me, I just held him and held him not knowing what the hell to do! With this lockdown I have felt I've had no choice or option to do anything.

Anyway, about an hour later he called me into the kitchen, I went out there shut the door leaving all 5 kids in front room. It turned into an argument between us, and basically ended in my 14yr old opening the door and walking in as he had just thrown me by my hair on the floor and I'm guessing was just about to do something further to hurt me. He very quickly left the house after that, shouting abuse.

I have packed all of his belongings and left them outside for him to collect. I texted him, telling him his things were outside waiting for him and to please stay away from us. He did not reply, I'm guessing his phone is dead like it usually is. He has not returned as far as I'm aware and his things are still where I left them.

He has keys to my house, so I have locked all doors from the inside and left keys in the doors so he can not get in, all windows are shut and curtains closed.

I do not want to see him, I do not want him to see our children, none of them want to see him either. My 2yr still today keeps mentioning that 'daddy pushed me' referring to him being thrown.

I know it is not acceptable for myself to be treated badly, that's one thing but to harm my child is something else! He has never hurt or been verbally abusive to my 3 older kids but I'm assuming he must think it's ok to do it to my 2yr old as he is his!?

I am scared. I feel trapped. I do not know what to do next or where to turn to. This lockdown is making it a whole lot worse to deal with.

One thing I do know is that I will never ever take him back. But what next?

OP posts:
mamato3lads · 01/04/2020 22:09

Report him to the police for abuse.

That was so shocking to read. I'm so sorry. I have no advice but I know other ladies will be along soon who will know what you should do.

With a 7 week.old too, how awful. Have you got friends and family close by who can help you?

mumof5cn · 01/04/2020 22:12

With this lockdown there is nobody. I've only told my sister. In normal circumstances I would go to the domestic abuse one stop shop and get advice but obviously can't.

OP posts:
Aknifewith16blades · 01/04/2020 22:12

OP, call the police now. You need to press charges for the attack on you and for the attack on your son, if only to have records to use when sorting out access visits. I'd also call Womens aid.

mumof5cn · 01/04/2020 22:15

There is already previous police involvement on record for incidents between us both - the last about a year ago.

OP posts:
mumof5cn · 01/04/2020 22:16

I don't want him anywhere near our kids. He is in my 2yr old birth certificate so has his rights, but is not on the 7wk olds birth certificate so has no rights as far as I'm aware?

OP posts:
MotherOfDragonite · 01/04/2020 22:19

Call the police and make sure it's on the record.

Whatever 'rights' he has, nobody who throws a child across the room should ever be given unsupervised access. By getting it on the record officially, you'll be doing the right thing here.

MsPepperPotts · 01/04/2020 22:19

Keep your doors locked and do not let him back in no matter what happens...he is escalating his violent behaviour and you and your children are in danger.
If he comes back trying to get in...call the police...do not hesitate.

You need to keep your children safe from the vile man.

mumof5cn · 01/04/2020 22:20

I need locks changed ASAP locks put on back gate. To be quite honest, I just want to move house. We were only housed in this house 5mths ago.

OP posts:
MotherOfDragonite · 01/04/2020 22:20

I'm so sorry this happened to you. And to your poor kids. Take care of yourself, be gentle to yourself, and try to take time together to feel safe together again.

DollyDan · 01/04/2020 22:22

I am so sorry you are going through this, please please call the police immediately they can then protect you if he tries to get back in, without you reporting this he has a right to get into the house, even break in, please protect yourself and your children...

wonderrotunda · 01/04/2020 22:23

You’ve been really brave and stood up to him. Well done!
I don’t have wise words I just wanted to suggest that your children will be very unsettled by all this and maybe you can all be a bit Enid Blyton and get them distracted and busy...could the older ones take on cooking and making flapjacks with you helping the younger ones. Or if you’re lucky enough to have a garden...
I’m so impressed you held your ground

mumof5cn · 01/04/2020 22:23

I'm so scared of reporting it. He is so manipulative, I know how he works and what he will do. He will spread lies and rumours about me to anyone that will listen. He will get out of this making me look the bad one. I can't lose my kids, they are my world.

OP posts:
wonderrotunda · 01/04/2020 22:24

Not trying to be trite...just so they don’t dwell on it

mumof5cn · 01/04/2020 22:25

He has no right to the house, he is not on the tenancy. We have a lovely garden but I'm too scared to go out there in case he turns up round the back.

OP posts:
MotherOfDragonite · 01/04/2020 22:25

I understand how scared he has made you feel about reporting it.

But you really do need to, in order to minimise the risk of your children being exposed to his behaviour again.

Otherwise how might you feel if a court ordered unsupervised access in future??

mumof5cn · 01/04/2020 22:26

What if they don't believe me?

OP posts:
12345kbm · 01/04/2020 22:27

If you're in England contact the NCDV which can arrange an emergency Occupation Order/Non Molestation Order. If he comes back and tries to get in dial 999. Do not let him in the property. NCDV 0800 970 2070

Contact the police tomorrow. Take photos of the slap marks on the child and any bruises marks on you.

Olsihabi · 01/04/2020 22:33

Please call the police now. If not for you, for your children. Please.

looondonn · 01/04/2020 22:36

As someone who has been in your exact position this sent shivers down my spine

  1. call police now

  2. notify family

  3. call locksmith

This is so so bad what an absolute Bastard

Oh my god 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

MotherOfDragonite · 01/04/2020 22:38

They will believe you.

MadeForThis · 01/04/2020 22:40

Call the police. They will believe you. Your eldest was a witness. There is a previous report.

They can put a marker on your address in case he comes back.

He is escalating quickly. You cannot let him come back into the house.

Be brave and protect your son.

Well done. You can do it.

mumof5cn · 01/04/2020 22:41

I'm terrified. I just want to pack everything up and take me and my children away from here and never come back near this town again. I've lived in the town all my life and would never had considered moving away in the past. I used to have friends and close to my family. I do not have any friends anymore - he stopped that and like a fool I accepted it. My family all took a step back a long while ago. The thought of moving away does not scare me anymore, I feel like it's the only answer. I do not know how I have become the person I am now, 5yrs ago and before never did I think this situation would ever happen to me. I WAS strong, nothing and nobody scared me back then.

OP posts:
Ingridla · 01/04/2020 22:44

Oh darling, I'm so so sorry you are going through this. You must phone the police first and foremost. Then get a locksmith. Call WomensAid for advice and be kind to yourself.

mumof5cn · 01/04/2020 22:44

I can not afford a locksmith to change the locks.

I will absolutely not under any circumstances let him back into the house.

OP posts:
mumof5cn · 01/04/2020 22:47

I have failed my children. I should have left him years ago when it started happening. The older 3 will be mentally scarred for life. And now my 2yr old has been hurt. What if he'd lost his temper with my baby!? OMG I'm am an awful awful person. I do not deserve my beautiful wonderful children.

OP posts:
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