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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive Partner - next steps

157 replies

mumof5cn · 01/04/2020 22:05

Don't know where to start so I will keep it brief but please ask me questions if need be.

I have 5 children. 14,12,7,2 and 7wks. Older 3 are from a previous relationship and youngest 2 from current relationship.

Been together 4 and half years. The domestic abuse towards me started about 3yrs ago in final months of pregnancy with our 2yr old son. Took me a very long time to accept what it was, bad would happen then things would become good and it went round and round in circles like that.

Anyway, to get to the point. He started a month or so ago saying nasty things to our 2yr old and calling him names. I told him not to do it and that it wasn't right and the damage and could do to our son. Again like how he is with me, it would stop then happen again. 2 days ago it got worse. He slapped him so hard that he left a big red hand mark on his leg. Then yesterday our son wouldn't pick up some toys my partner had asked him to so he lost his temper again calling him names then picked him up and threw him half way across the room by his arm on to the sofa then again stormed off into another room. I was mortified, I cried, my son was sobbing saying daddy pushed me daddy pushed me, I just held him and held him not knowing what the hell to do! With this lockdown I have felt I've had no choice or option to do anything.

Anyway, about an hour later he called me into the kitchen, I went out there shut the door leaving all 5 kids in front room. It turned into an argument between us, and basically ended in my 14yr old opening the door and walking in as he had just thrown me by my hair on the floor and I'm guessing was just about to do something further to hurt me. He very quickly left the house after that, shouting abuse.

I have packed all of his belongings and left them outside for him to collect. I texted him, telling him his things were outside waiting for him and to please stay away from us. He did not reply, I'm guessing his phone is dead like it usually is. He has not returned as far as I'm aware and his things are still where I left them.

He has keys to my house, so I have locked all doors from the inside and left keys in the doors so he can not get in, all windows are shut and curtains closed.

I do not want to see him, I do not want him to see our children, none of them want to see him either. My 2yr still today keeps mentioning that 'daddy pushed me' referring to him being thrown.

I know it is not acceptable for myself to be treated badly, that's one thing but to harm my child is something else! He has never hurt or been verbally abusive to my 3 older kids but I'm assuming he must think it's ok to do it to my 2yr old as he is his!?

I am scared. I feel trapped. I do not know what to do next or where to turn to. This lockdown is making it a whole lot worse to deal with.

One thing I do know is that I will never ever take him back. But what next?

OP posts:
Original poster
mumof5cn · 02/04/2020 03:27

Ok, I've done it. I have spoken to the police, the officer was really nice. Due to the nature of what happened they are sending officers around as soon as they can.

They are also concerned for his welfare as he has not been in contact, collected his things, it is out of character for him. And also the fact I know he would have nowhere to go due to the lockdown, so it's strange he's not tried coming back.

OP posts:
LouiseCollina · 02/04/2020 04:24

Are you still awake OP? Do you want to chat on here for a bit?

Lllot5 · 02/04/2020 04:41

Oh fuck him don’t start worrying about his welfare. Well done for calling the police.

Gobbycop · 02/04/2020 04:47

You call the police is what you do next.

I feel so sorry for all of you but especially your little boy.

I'd like to get into a boxing ring with your husband, reading this makes my blood boil.

Gobbycop · 02/04/2020 04:58

Sorry, replied after reading your first post.

You've made the right move in calling police, they'll help.

Best of luck.

timeisnotaline · 02/04/2020 05:05

I’m so glad you’ve spoken to the police, you’ve been very brave.
Don’t worry about him, every time you find yourself thinking about him think of your children instead. They deserve your time and attention, not this guy.
I would refuse contact to be clear, when he does crawl out of the woodwork. he should be being charged with assault of the 2yo not being allowed to look after him.
You may not be able to afford changing the locks, could you put a chain on?

penisbeakers · 02/04/2020 05:10

How much does it cost to change locks on a house roughly?

penisbeakers · 02/04/2020 05:11

I'm asking because I'm wondering if domestic violence charities might be able to help with the cost of lock changes?

Original poster
mumof5cn · 02/04/2020 05:25

Yes I'm awake. Still waiting for the police.

OP posts:
soannya · 02/04/2020 05:28

Well done for reporting to the police. We are all here for you. When they come don’t start saying “it’s all my fault” just give them the facts. They can ask your two year old! He knows he was pushed. Your other kids can confirm. You can do this. You have to report it so that social can keep the kids away from him

blessedmummyov5 · 02/04/2020 05:28

The council will change the locks for free if its a domestic abuse incident u just need police reference number give them a ring ASAP n tell them he has a key n they will come out n do it , u got this girl throwing ur child is not acceptable behaviour we let a lot slide as adults don't let that be one of the things u let go ur kids deserve to not live in fear as do u xxx

LouiseCollina · 02/04/2020 05:28

Well done for ringing the police OP. That’s the first step out of this nightmare. Next call should be to Women’s Aid. Please do continue to update and let us know how you are doing. My heart goes out to you and your kids, x

blessedmummyov5 · 02/04/2020 05:29

Try n get some sleep u won't have a chance once ur wee ones r up if he comes bk ring police ASAP x

blessedmummyov5 · 02/04/2020 05:32

U can ring out of hours now and get ur reference number later to give to them it's an emergency they will come straight out just been thro the same thing got locks changed n provided the reference number the next day once police had been for statements x

dirtydancing1981 · 02/04/2020 06:54

Well done for calling the police x

Original poster
mumof5cn · 02/04/2020 09:41

The police have just left. I've told them everything.

OP posts:
TheFutureMrsHardy · 02/04/2020 09:51

Contact your housing manager and they will be able to sort the locks out for you.

You need to not have that stress that he can try to get back in.

Well done for contacting the Police.

LouiseCollina · 02/04/2020 12:11

I’m so sorry OP - I didn’t see your message from 5.25 till just now. Don’t know how I missed it!

How is everything going today? Are you and the kids any less rattled? I’m so glad you called the police! How did that go? Have you called Womens Aid yet?

You must be still in deep shock, all of you. I had to flee a violent relationship years ago when my son was the same age as your son. I had to restrain myself from crying reading your post last night.

funnylittlefloozie · 02/04/2020 13:04

I hope you're getting some rest now OP, I am glad that you were able to get in touch with the police. You've done the right thing, now try and rest, please.

timeisnotaline · 02/04/2020 13:18

I hope they were supportive op.

Original poster
mumof5cn · 02/04/2020 13:22

He turned up at my house earlier, he took some of his things I'd left out for him and threw the rest around the garden. He knocked the door, I don't know what was best to do, if I had ignored him would he have done something? I opened the door with chain on, told him to please take his things and stay away from me and the children. He laughed and said he couldn't promise me that. I asked for my house keys back he threw them at me so I've got them back now.

I called the police to inform them he'd been back and what he'd said, they sent out 2 police cars to try and locate him and arrest him. I've not heard anything since so I don't know if they found him.

The police are coming back this afternoon to go over the report they are making and they have arranged for panic buttons to be installed this afternoon, the police will also be attending then.

OP posts:
LouiseCollina · 02/04/2020 13:30

What a scumbag. Imagine thinking there’s anything to laugh about after you’ve assaulted your own toddler and the woman who brought him into the world. Thank God the police are taking this seriously.

Mummacake · 02/04/2020 14:00

Well done on reporting this & getting police involved. The Health Visitor can also be of help and support. Anytime he contacts you or comes to the house - report it. You're doing brilliantly.

Graphista · 02/04/2020 14:39

Very well done on reporting and getting things sorted you're doing so well

Original poster
mumof5cn · 02/04/2020 16:54

Panic button has been installed. A social worker and police child protection officer are coming to see me and children soon.

OP posts:
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