Abusive Partner - next steps

[mumof5cn]

Don't know where to start so I will keep it brief but please ask me questions if need be.

I have 5 children. 14,12,7,2 and 7wks. Older 3 are from a previous relationship and youngest 2 from current relationship.

Been together 4 and half years. The domestic abuse towards me started about 3yrs ago in final months of pregnancy with our 2yr old son. Took me a very long time to accept what it was, bad would happen then things would become good and it went round and round in circles like that.

Anyway, to get to the point. He started a month or so ago saying nasty things to our 2yr old and calling him names. I told him not to do it and that it wasn't right and the damage and could do to our son. Again like how he is with me, it would stop then happen again. 2 days ago it got worse. He slapped him so hard that he left a big red hand mark on his leg. Then yesterday our son wouldn't pick up some toys my partner had asked him to so he lost his temper again calling him names then picked him up and threw him half way across the room by his arm on to the sofa then again stormed off into another room. I was mortified, I cried, my son was sobbing saying daddy pushed me daddy pushed me, I just held him and held him not knowing what the hell to do! With this lockdown I have felt I've had no choice or option to do anything.

Anyway, about an hour later he called me into the kitchen, I went out there shut the door leaving all 5 kids in front room. It turned into an argument between us, and basically ended in my 14yr old opening the door and walking in as he had just thrown me by my hair on the floor and I'm guessing was just about to do something further to hurt me. He very quickly left the house after that, shouting abuse.

I have packed all of his belongings and left them outside for him to collect. I texted him, telling him his things were outside waiting for him and to please stay away from us. He did not reply, I'm guessing his phone is dead like it usually is. He has not returned as far as I'm aware and his things are still where I left them.

He has keys to my house, so I have locked all doors from the inside and left keys in the doors so he can not get in, all windows are shut and curtains closed.

I do not want to see him, I do not want him to see our children, none of them want to see him either. My 2yr still today keeps mentioning that 'daddy pushed me' referring to him being thrown.

I know it is not acceptable for myself to be treated badly, that's one thing but to harm my child is something else! He has never hurt or been verbally abusive to my 3 older kids but I'm assuming he must think it's ok to do it to my 2yr old as he is his!?

I am scared. I feel trapped. I do not know what to do next or where to turn to. This lockdown is making it a whole lot worse to deal with.

One thing I do know is that I will never ever take him back. But what next?

You're doing so well OP.

Be proud of saying enough.

Your so brave big hugs lovely.... you have done nothing wrong xx

Didn't want to read and not say anything. What a brave and strong woman you are, well done on speaking to the right people to get help and especially well done on taking a stand and protecting your kids, never mind the negatives they've seen, you're being a brilliant role model to all of them. X

You've been so brave. Your kids will be so proud of you. Please consider speaking to your family. You need support. Even if it's just some phone calls.

MN is rooting for you

I've cried reading this thread. You are stronger than you think and your kids will thank you for being so strong. As others have said, we're all behind you. Reach out to your family please as hard as you think it might be. Sending you love and more strength xx

You are so brave and stronger than you know, Keep going better days will come

Social worker has been, will be starting an assessment. I have spoken to my sister and my mum too.

Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. Without you, I don't think I'd have found the courage to do what I did today.

Truly I thank each and everyone of you xx

Well done OP. You have the respect and support of all of us 💐🍷
Take care.

Well done for contacting the police I know that must have taken a lot of courage your slowly breaking away the control he has over you it's a long road ahead but your gonna be just fine now your mum and sister know they will help you more too. Take care of yourself and your wonderful children

You're absolutely fucking amazing OP. Them kids have one damn amazing Mum.

So glad you've contacted your family. They'll give you so much support. Xx

Thank God this is moving to a healthy place so quickly. When your kids look back on this OP they will remember how quickly you moved to protect them, and believe it or not in time that will be the most significant part of this memory, x

well done!

You're doing all the right things.

I'm very happy you contacted your family, @mumof5cn. Great news!

I didn't want to post this before, as I thought taking action was more important, but I wanted to tell you, that you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You should be proud of yourself. You stood up for your children and yourself to an abusive man who never deserved you. It was never, ever your fault. Not once. Ever. Most people will understand that. Those that don't aren't worth your precious time in any event.

I am linking an article that describes some of this, by a woman who also successfully fled her abuser.

theestablishment.co/how-abusers-rely-on-shame-to-keep-victims-down-87f2d8b9f57d/index.html

You have been very brave. Congratulations! Stay strong!

Now please also practice some self love. When you can, do something for yourself - take a hot bath, read a book, exercise, just do something that you enjoy (appreciating with five children, you don't have much free time ). You deserve it, as well as happiness.

Good luck!

Thank you all for your continued support.

@Winterlife Your post has made me feel extremely emotional but I refuse to break down and cry. It's been a tiring day and I know feeling exhibit makes emotions worse. I have saved the article, but at this very moment I don't want to put myself in a position that I become upset more so than I already am. I will read it tomorrow after a good night sleep. Thank you, I really do appreciate it.

After months of having absolutely nobody to speak to, I reached out to strangers on this forum and never did I imagine I would receive the support and encouragement each and every one of you have given me. In less than 24hrs, I have done what this time last night I did not think I was capable of doing. You are all amazing and I am so thankful to you all xx

No OP.. YOU are the amazing one. I took so much courage to do what you did.. it's all very well for us to tell you the right thing to do.. but we don't live your reality. It's easy to give advice when we live in a calm house with no conflict and nothing to be terrified about .

You has to take a leap of blind faith and hope there was a safety net waiting... we are lucky in this country , there is a safety net and 99% of police officers are fabulous in the face of DV.. but you were the really brave one. You took a step so many are scared to do.

I have never been open mouthed in shock before. I was when reading this.

Truly awful for you and your children.
You have done the right thing with the locks. Now please call the police. Tell them everything and let them know that you are fearful of his return. This must be a priority for them, especially when he returns.

Do you have anyone who can come over and perhaps stay with you for a while. I understand that people are not supposed to be going out without a good reason but I think this would qualify as a very good reason.

Please let us know sometime tomorrow how things are.

As far as you are able to, try to eat, keep hydrated and get some sleep. Your physical health will help you get through this.

Stay strong, prayers for you all.

Thinking about you all day op. You have a long road ahead of you. But you've done the hard bit by getting rid.you are one strong, brave lady and your kids are so lucky to have you as there mum. You will have alot of up and down days. It's all about you and the kids now and I'm so glad you got in contact with your family 💞. Stay strong hun and when ever you need to talk MN will always be here for you.sending you big hugs and hopefully you'll have a good night sleep xx

@smileannie

I originally posted this 24hrs ago. In that time, the police have attended 4 times, panic buttons have been installed, the police are still looking for him to arrest and question him, a social worker and police child protection officer have attended also. I also have an injunction pending.

I have spoken to my mum and sister also.

I have now got the keys he had also.

I am drained. I've just got up to feed my baby and then I will be back to sleep. I need to get rest whilst I can, because my children need me now more than ever and they need a strong mummy to carry us all through this and get out the other side.

@dirtydancing1981

Every one of you here have been amazing and without you I wouldn't have achieved what I did today. With the tremendous amount of support I have received today by NM, the police and other professionals I am of course scared but I am feeling as ready as I think I could ever be to finally face this and deal with it xx

My God what a day mumof5cn! Huge strides made but you must be shattered. Have a good sleep and check back in tomorrow to let us know how things are going, x

Well done 💐

You've done really well.

Be aware that you may hit an emotional "crash" when adrenaline wears off and you will be vulnerable to taking him back at this stage - don't give in to that!

Remember how he hurt your baby and you and how you want to be the best mum you can (the cake is for sustenance )

Ring social services safeguarding @!!!