Abusive Partner - next steps

[mumof5cn]

Don't know where to start so I will keep it brief but please ask me questions if need be.

I have 5 children. 14,12,7,2 and 7wks. Older 3 are from a previous relationship and youngest 2 from current relationship.

Been together 4 and half years. The domestic abuse towards me started about 3yrs ago in final months of pregnancy with our 2yr old son. Took me a very long time to accept what it was, bad would happen then things would become good and it went round and round in circles like that.

Anyway, to get to the point. He started a month or so ago saying nasty things to our 2yr old and calling him names. I told him not to do it and that it wasn't right and the damage and could do to our son. Again like how he is with me, it would stop then happen again. 2 days ago it got worse. He slapped him so hard that he left a big red hand mark on his leg. Then yesterday our son wouldn't pick up some toys my partner had asked him to so he lost his temper again calling him names then picked him up and threw him half way across the room by his arm on to the sofa then again stormed off into another room. I was mortified, I cried, my son was sobbing saying daddy pushed me daddy pushed me, I just held him and held him not knowing what the hell to do! With this lockdown I have felt I've had no choice or option to do anything.

Anyway, about an hour later he called me into the kitchen, I went out there shut the door leaving all 5 kids in front room. It turned into an argument between us, and basically ended in my 14yr old opening the door and walking in as he had just thrown me by my hair on the floor and I'm guessing was just about to do something further to hurt me. He very quickly left the house after that, shouting abuse.

I have packed all of his belongings and left them outside for him to collect. I texted him, telling him his things were outside waiting for him and to please stay away from us. He did not reply, I'm guessing his phone is dead like it usually is. He has not returned as far as I'm aware and his things are still where I left them.

He has keys to my house, so I have locked all doors from the inside and left keys in the doors so he can not get in, all windows are shut and curtains closed.

I do not want to see him, I do not want him to see our children, none of them want to see him either. My 2yr still today keeps mentioning that 'daddy pushed me' referring to him being thrown.

I know it is not acceptable for myself to be treated badly, that's one thing but to harm my child is something else! He has never hurt or been verbally abusive to my 3 older kids but I'm assuming he must think it's ok to do it to my 2yr old as he is his!?

I am scared. I feel trapped. I do not know what to do next or where to turn to. This lockdown is making it a whole lot worse to deal with.

One thing I do know is that I will never ever take him back. But what next?

call the police now.....he has assaulted his child and assaulted you...

When you say you were housed a few months ago, do you mean you are renting a housing association or council property?

If so, contact them as soon are you are able as in the circumstances they may change the locks free of charge for you rather than you having to pay out for a locksmith.

They can also help with measures to keep you safe or sign post you to relevant agencies and can liaise with the police on how to keep you and the children safe.

If you feel you are unsafe to return as he may come back, you can present yourself to any local authority for emergency housing as you are fleeing your current home due to violence. This could be something such as a refuse.

Stay strong, you'll get there I promise

You haven't failed your children. You are showing them right now what a strong and capable mother they have! Protecting them and also refusing to be treated badly yourself.

Yes we were finally housed into a permanent house by the council after being moved 3 times in last 4yrs in and out of temporary accommodation. I thought we could finally be settled and happy here. I thought that I'd finally be able to give my children some stability.

• Sorry meant refuge but auto correct changed it to refuge

Speak to the police, speak to somewhere like women's aid who will be able to advise you on all parts of your situation and speak to the council.

They have provisions in place to deal with circumstances such as yours despite what is going on relating to covid-19.

No one should have to live in fear of someone or live in fear in their home. Not you or the children.

You have not failed your children. None of this is your fault. You are stronger than you know and you can do this.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

I should have mentioned also that I have bi polar, I take medication to manage it and tbh the last few months have felt it is under control. I am due a medication review next week with a different mental health team - MIMS they are the pre and postnatal mental health team, however not sure if it will go ahead with the coronavirus lockdown at the moment. I feel ok at the moment with my mental health, but I am worried I might go downhill what with having my baby 7wks ago, via c section, baby was in scbu for couple of days, he made my life hell whilst I was in hospital, only visited me and baby once in the 5 days we were there, and the day after we got home, he was out doing his thing, so was left to look after 5 kids alone 6 days after operation. I've had no emotional or physical help and now no friends. I am coping at the moment but I always go down after I have a baby, so with that and this now I know im heading for a huge tumble. I know also that he will try and use my condition against me.

Call the police and report the assault on your child! I would not delay doing that.

Please also note what @12345kbm said about obtaining a non-mol/occupation order:

“If you're in England contact the NCDV which can arrange an emergency Occupation Order/Non Molestation Order. If he comes back and tries to get in dial 999. Do not let him in the property. NCDV 0800 970 2070”

I’m sure you would get one with this history. NCDV will help and may refer you to a law firm to assist with preparing papers for free. You can apply without leaving the house - courts are shut so you email the papers in and then the judge calls when ready to deal with the application (usually same day or v soon after filing). It’s part of an abuser’s MO to isolate their partners. Reach out to your family - I’m sure they’d be really pleased to have you back in their lives.

You haven’t let your DC down. You’re a great mum and you haven’t tolerated any harm being done to them.

You are not a bad mum - you saw him assault your child and you threw him out of the house. That is not the act of a bad mum, that is a mum who will stand up to any arsehole to protect her children.

Please call the police and report the attack on your child. Your ex should be prosecuted for that alone.

Have you thrown him about before? If so, how did that go? I mean in terms of his behaviour - are you safe tonight?

Regardless of what may or may not happen next, you MUST call the police. The are very aware that domestic abuse is escalating due to the pressure of lockdown and they will take you seriously.

The best thing you can do right now, is to reassure you children that you are doing everything you can to keep them safe and will not be talked into making 'another go of things'.

The physical abuse to both of you is shocking.

But my main concern is what is likely to happen tonight? Does he have somewhere he can go? Will anyone take him in under these current conditions? Because if not, is he likely to come back home raging and start causing real problems? This is what you should anticipate and be prepared for - hence calling police.

Good luck my love.

You need to report all this. It will look bad if you don't report it and something else happens. Do not shield him.

This happened yesterday, and has not returned or been in contact since. I have no idea where he could have gone, especially with the lockdown. I find it odd that he hasn't returned to even collect something - that's usually what he does so he has an excuse to come back even if I don't let him in.

Are you in social housing?

If so I would class this as an emergency need for the locks to be changed.

Contact them, I know they will officially be “closed” at the moment but emergency repairs - which includes this are exempt.

And yes you MUST tell the police and contact your gp also to get support on the mh side of things.

You’ve done well to get him out now you need to keep him out.

Honey none of this is your fault at all. You DO deserve your children but they deserve a mum who can protect them now too. Stay strong.
Call your family. Tell them and ask for help. There is no shame and they will be so glad to hear from you

I am yes. I will call them tomorrow, explain the situation and try and get them to change the locks - even if they can get it done and charge me so I can pay at a later date.

I will speak to them also about my options of getting moved. But even if they can get me moved, it won't be quick enough due to the current coronavirus implements.

I will contact women's aid tomorrow too.

I'm too ashamed to tell my family about what has happened. I've let my children down, I've let myself down and therefore I have let my family down. I am not ready to deal with the feelings and further guilt that will come from telling them yet. I'm not ready.

I am going to have to reach out to professional people for help and get my children through this by myself. I made my bed, now it's time to lay in it.

You are being so so unnecessarily hard on yourself.

I respect how you feel over calling your family, could you find the words to email? Just think for a second how you'd feel and react if this was a role reversal. I doubt heavily you would judge as harshly as you are yourself. Let them love and help you OP. they will be desperate to.

Hi, I feel you, I’ve just found out I’m pregnant with my 3rd. My partner and I split about 8 weeks ago (I’m 9 weeks pregnant) because he got physically abusive towards me. I ended up leaving my house at 4am with my two kids ( from a previous relationship) in tow. Wearing just our pjs. I called the police and he’s been done for battery ( I think it is) and I have a years restraining order against him. I have had to put up cctv and change my locks. I too felt like you do. My kids still won’t sleep in their own rooms. They bunk in together to feel safer I think. You have to be strong and report it. The police were amazing to me. I thought it would have gone no where due to the fact I had no marks for proof. They did have the phone call which I made as it was in progress before he took my phone though. You’ve done everything right but please carry it though. It’s not okay to be treated like that and he deserves the consequences of it. I really hope your okay. Silly to say really in light of it all. But you will with time start to feel better. I’m trying to decide whether to continue with my pregnancy due to him. Even though I’ve always wanted another child. This whole virus is making things a lot harder but you’ll get though it x

Also just to add as I’ve read another of your posts, I too have had to seek professional help for my 9 year old who even though I removed her immediately from any threat and my house is obviously finding it hard to process it and move forwards from it. You haven’t let anyone down! You’ve done exactly what you had to do and you’ve made sure those kiddos have been kept safe. Take some credit for it! It’s hard right now but once you seek the help for you all, you will start to feel safer again and move forwards from it.

Please please call the police
Do not let this lie

Do not allow your children to think this is normal

I can't sleep, every little noise I hear, my heart jumps in my mouth coz I think it's him. I feel sick.

I have my 2yr old and 7yr old in bed with me and the baby in her Moses basket next to me.

Have you called the police? Please, you need to do so, and you need to report him tossing your 2 year old. You don't want him to have unsupervised visits, do you?

Your husband purposely alienated you from your friends and family, in order to control you more effectively. Please reach out to your family, and tell them what has happened. Once lockdowns are no longer the norm and COVID-19 is no longer a threat, try to reach out to old friends as well. Some will be too busy to meet with you, but others may wish to reconnect. You can tell them you apologize for not seeing them, you have been far too busy with your children.

Good luck, OP.

@mumof5cn

Please report this to the police love.

You've been amazing so far now let these professionals help you.

You've not let anyone down especially your kids.

My sister had a similar situation years ago, she caught her then bf dropping her 2yo daughter onto the floor because she wouldn't stop crying as he had lost her dummy. Other things happened but I don't want to talk about how bad it got. It took an incident like yours for her to call the police. They were amazing.

She still lives in the same house now and is very safe and happy. It's just her and the kids!
The council arranged for a change of locks for the doors. The police arranged a panic button for her and the kids (incase he came round), and set up a restriction order for him so that he wasn't allowed within a certain radius of the house.

She also had help from women's aid.

I can't stress how important it is that you tell the police asap. You've made an enormous step today and you should be proud of yourself.

They will help you I promise!

Call the police and stop blaming yourself. It is his fault, not yours.

You are amazing and stronger then you think.i had tears in my eyes reading your post, nobody should go through life like that.your kids are so so lucky to have you. You will get through this.reach out to your family and friends please right now your thinking the worst that they will not want to no.I bet ya you will feel so much better if you pick up that phone and you will have more help.i know with the virus people can't come around.but a phone call will make you feel so much better from a family member. Keep been strong and please keep us all posted,x