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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend told me he paid for prostitute overseas when he was young

368 replies

Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 15:45

Been with him for almost 6 months now. Randomly asked him the question if he has hired a prostitute before and he said yes, overseas when he was much younger. I didn’t ask too much details. I just felt disgusted and upset. He said he did it once and he was ashamed to tell people but he wanted to be honest with me.

I don’t know what to do. I got told this about 3 weeks ago. Some days we were ok. Other days I could not stop imagining him being this sleazy loser who went up to a hooker and negotiated price. It changed my perception of him completely. So much so that I felt a bit disgusted just talking to him. We haven’t talked about this in great detail. Maybe I should but I don’t wanna make myself feel sick all over again.

I understand that people do make mistakes in the past and people do change. I am very against judging people for what they have done in the past without giving them a fair chance but it’s just been so hard. I kinda wish he lied to me when I asked him. It did absolutely nothing to our relationship but to make me feel disgusted and hurt. I just don’t know how I can get over it.

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 31/03/2020 21:57

@AgeLikeWine

Do you honestly believe that most sex workers in Thailand for example have chosen that career independently and "regard it as a business like any other"?

Genuinely I am baffled if you honestly believe that.

He didn't visit a prostitute in Kensington, he visited a prostitute in a poor country abroad.

LexMitior · 31/03/2020 21:57

I’m sure reality can deal with the fact that there are a few people who don’t find prostitution so terrible. By and large I think you will find they have other choices. Or they become madams and carry on.

But generally prostitution is exploitative, it may involve sexual abuse or rape. Paying money does not mean you can do as you wish; though many men seem to think so. Such men are best avoided if you want a long term respectful thing.

I speak as one who has been to a lot of brothels, met pimps, and met working girls. For most, it’s exploitation wherever it happens.

TestBank · 31/03/2020 22:00

Go on then ... why don't those men go to a sex club or fet club instead? If all they wanted was sex? They are open pretty much most days, run quite fun themed nights so there's something for pretty much everyone, there are private rooms for the shy or public rooms for the more exhibitionist. What there also is, in fet clubs at least (swingers clubs are a bit/lot rubbish for this) is a massive emphasis on consent, all the way through. Fet clubs also run equal entrance fee policies so single men are not charged more. There's something else driving the need to pay a sex worker, and if it's not about control and power then I am baffled. Enlighten me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/03/2020 22:04

Most people on MN take a dogmatic, ideological position on sex work which finds it impossible to accept that some people freely & independently choose to sell sexual services and regard it as a business like any other.

And I ask again... if there was even a 10% chance of raping someone, would you? Because the chances you are are much higher than that.

One of the women I worked with cried so badly before she went out her eyes were red and swollen. Still found a punter, looking distraught. She ended up dying I later found out from her sister. OD. Accidental or not.

But yeah, I'm 'dogmatic'.

LexMitior · 31/03/2020 22:05

Oh I think years ago in Germany they tried tidying up and removing the grittiness of the brothels. Turned out the men actually liked all of that and they put it back!

Use of prostitutes is really about that, and perception that “no” can’t be said. Some men like this and are best avoided.

MrsJBaptiste · 31/03/2020 22:07

Wouldn't bother me TBH.

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 22:14

Selling sexual services is a "challenging" activity.

It is risky, even with whatever safeguards you try to out in place.

It is in direct opposition with our instinct to have sex with people we are attracted to (if a prostitute only had sex with people they were attracted to, they would be unlikely to make enough money to make it worthwhile) ..

and/or have feelings for .. while people may have casual sex with essentially strangers, for the most part the human habit is for sex to take place in the context of relationships of some form or another - with familiarity, attachment, comfort, some level of trust, security, emotion etc.

It raises issues of privacy, exposure, judgement - people doing it are judged, gossiped about, seen differently, their families are affected; it is still seen as shameful (same as porn for example). You will find it extremely hard to ever escape the label/stigma if people come to know about it. Your kids will take flack for it, even if they're born after you stopped .. the go-to insult those who know from gossip will be ,"your mum is/was a hooker, whore, whatever".

If you're honest about it, it will affect your prospective partner opportunities. Most men are not ok with being in a relationship with a prostitute or even former prostitute.

Religions around the world still have a massive grip and it's not exactly approved of in most major religions. In fact it is thought Christianity made a female disciple into a "whore" to neutralise and degrade her. Most women with any religious leanings/upbringing will not be able to happily square it with working as a prostitute.

It can be painful - depending on the activity, man, frequency etc. It's not normal circumstances, with foreplay and relaxation with a familiar, loved partner.

All this and more ... Mean it's a very difficult "choice" and not a choice the majority of women will willingly make (if they have any real options). So the majority of women in sex work seem to tend to be those whose choices are curtailed or directed by negative factors.

BackseatCookers · 31/03/2020 22:18

Most men are not ok with being in a relationship with a prostitute or even former prostitute.

This is an excellent point.

I wonder how many men who who pay / have paid prostitutes for sex would date someone who used to be a prostitute.

I would bet my house that it would be very, very, very, VERY few.

But if it's acceptable then why wouldn't they?

Because they are sexist and view women as a commodity.

Madonna / Whore syndrome. Alive and well in 2020.

OP do you think your boyfriend would be happy to date you if you disclosed that 10/15 years ago you were a prostitute?

Elsiebear90 · 31/03/2020 22:22

It would be a hard no from me, someone who can have sex with a person when they know the only reason they’re doing it is because they’re being paid is not someone I’d want to have a relationship with. Paying people to have sex with you is in my eyes, pathetic at best and rape at worst, depending on the circumstance.

TestBank · 31/03/2020 22:25

Yes, there is also the pathetic side to it. Not appealing either.

Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 22:31

Guys, lemme ask you a different question.

If I were a guy who had sex with a prostitute and regretted it, and I wanted to be honest with my partner, what do I have to do to show my partner I’m no longer the disgusting man she might think I am now.

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 31/03/2020 22:40

If I were a guy who had sex with a prostitute and regretted it, and I wanted to be honest with my partner, what do I have to do to show my partner I’m no longer the disgusting man she might think I am now.

If you were that guy and your partner was disgusted by a man that would pay a prostitute in a poor country for sex then there's nothing you could do to show me that.

If it was a dealbreaker for her then you'd respect it. Because I'm assuming the man in question would respect the decision of a western woman who isn't a prostitute. Which is just lovely.

Dealbreakers are dealbreakers. It clearly isn't one for you, so why make a thread saying you are uncomfortable with this and then call women who see this as a dealbreaker hypocrites?

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/03/2020 22:40

I wouldn't date a sex offender. No matter how contrite. So nothing.

You may have different boundaries.

ginandbearit · 31/03/2020 22:42

Leave you ...because you are going to hold it over him forever, nothing he says or does will whitewash it from your mind , he is forever cursed by you for what he did long before he knew you or knew better . He'll probably never tell any woman he meets again...and will you ask that question of every man you meet again ? Your perfectly entitled to of course ....

SharonasCorona · 31/03/2020 22:44

I see using prostitutes as roughly the same as sex offending. Once is enough. There's no 'mistakes' or 'he's changed'. If you ever thought you could but consent, you don't get to pretend that's OK.

I agree. I don't think prostitutes can really consent to sex as they're forced by economics to consent.

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 22:44

But if it's acceptable then why wouldn't they?

*Because they are sexist and view women as a commodity.

Madonna / Whore syndrome. Alive and well in 2020.*

In a more "minor" way, it reminds me of men's attitude to porn actresses. I used to frequent a male dominated fitness forum and it was clear that many of the forum members were porn consumers at a high level. Their references to porn actresses - when it came to things outside their appearance or performance in porn - like their real lives, their relationships, their children - if and when they had them ... Were so derogatory as to be violent. In particular the concept of any of these actresses dating to get pregnant or have a child was responded to with such utter disgust and outrage. A woman who had sex, especially degrading sex or multi partner sex, in porn films - was not allowed to ever get pregnant or have a child in their eyes. She was unfit to be a mother.

Unsurprisingly they expressed no awareness whatsoever that as high level pornn consumers; they were then reason there was money in that work in the first place - either by directly paying for it or being on the sites that sell advertising. They had no awareness that their choices of video was what pushed the producers to push the actresses to do more extreme scenes. The fact that they as consumers were important cogs in the wheel driving the whole thing either didn't occur to them, or they chose not to see it.

They made black jokes when porn actresses were reported to have killed themselves.

They never ever said one word about the fitness of male porn actors to be fathers.

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 22:49

My very long winded point is that the entire sex industry seems to be underpinned by such hypocrisy and misogyny.

Women are products, objects and are out in neat boxes; they are not whole people.

That's one of the issues of a guy using a prostitute, alongside consent & exploitation.

As cooker said - how many guys who use a prostitute would have a relationship with one or marry one?

Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 22:59

I have asked my bf this question. He said he would have no issue dating a former prostitute. He understood that poverty and life difficulties can lead people onto that path and he’s not willing to judge people based on that.

OP posts:
LexMitior · 31/03/2020 22:59

Yes it is totally hypocritical. I remember my married boss going to see a prostitute on a Wednesday afternoon. He would come back and be nice to us for the rest of the day and then go home to his wife and child.

He spent a lot of time opining on the attractiveness of women. He was extremely ugly himself and seemed to quite like dominating women. The prostitute use was one facet of his whole attitude to the opposite sex.

Such men are by their actions being honest. It does not bother them. That means it’s really up to you to decide.

YourVagesty · 31/03/2020 23:04

I wouldn't get past that. It's just too grim and speaks volumes about the lower depths of his personality.

Bezalelle · 31/03/2020 23:05

One very respectable man I know hired one in Amsterdam for his disabled son, as he wanted a professional to teach the lad what to do

That is one of the most fucking repulsive things I've ever read on here. No respectable man pays for his son to use a woman's body.

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 23:05

I have asked my bf this question. He said he would have no issue dating a former prostitute. He understood that poverty and life difficulties can lead people onto that path and he’s not willing to judge people based on that.

No offence but it's a bit coincidental that his apparent equal opportunities attitide to former prostitutes is being expressed just after you've (probably very obviously) been shocked, perturbed, disgusted you said - at finding out he has used a prostitute in the past ... And have asked him a very pointed question which he knows what the "correct" answer had to be to it.

risingmercury · 31/03/2020 23:06

I went out with someone who'd done this. His description of what occurred was vile. Not so much anything he did but it sounded so sad what the women had to endure.
At the time I though ok he's been honest whatever. Now he's an ex I think wow that was truly and awful to put a woman through and I do believe it says something about your character.
But only you can tell if you really think he's changed and if what he did was totally unacceptable.

LexMitior · 31/03/2020 23:08

I’ve got to say that I don’t think the hire of prostitutes in this way was that uncommon in the past. Young men did get taken to brothels by their fathers and uncles for this “introduction”. It still happens.

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 23:08

He's hardly going to say at this point (when he probably realised your relationship is on shaky ground) that he'd never go out with a former prostitute. I'd like to see the scenario played out in reality.