Boyfriend told me he paid for prostitute overseas when he was young

[Autumntimes]

Been with him for almost 6 months now. Randomly asked him the question if he has hired a prostitute before and he said yes, overseas when he was much younger. I didn’t ask too much details. I just felt disgusted and upset. He said he did it once and he was ashamed to tell people but he wanted to be honest with me.

I don’t know what to do. I got told this about 3 weeks ago. Some days we were ok. Other days I could not stop imagining him being this sleazy loser who went up to a hooker and negotiated price. It changed my perception of him completely. So much so that I felt a bit disgusted just talking to him. We haven’t talked about this in great detail. Maybe I should but I don’t wanna make myself feel sick all over again.

I understand that people do make mistakes in the past and people do change. I am very against judging people for what they have done in the past without giving them a fair chance but it’s just been so hard. I kinda wish he lied to me when I asked him. It did absolutely nothing to our relationship but to make me feel disgusted and hurt. I just don’t know how I can get over it.

Poverty/needing money does not equal lack of consent. Otherwise employee would basically be enslaved.

Yeah poverty in developing countries and us (with our safety net welfare state) needing money (and having varied employment opportunities, education opportunities, legislation to protect bour employment rights etc. .... Is not quite the same thing.

Not sure how you missed that.

Do you think it's pure coincidence that mail order brides, for example, come from mostly impoverished, developing countries with a lack of opportunities for women ... And not from developed countries ..bit did you think that there's something cultural.about the Philippines, Thailand, Eastern Europe etc. That makes beautiful young women really keen to shag grey hairy fat older men.

But that involves social skills and equality.

And the women having a choice over what acts she wants to do. And some hope of enjoying it.

Guys, you would never understand sweat shop workers or the situation if you don’t have a family there or have been one. It is abuse. Because you’re taking advantage of their poverty and pay them peanuts for a nice dress. My mum was going to work 7 month pregnant for 18 hours a day. She was going to work when I was 6 and left me alone at home. She had no choice. She hated it. But nobody cares because somehow it’s ok because it’s a proper “job” while everyone is debating prostitution somehow sweat shops are ok. I never thought of prostitution as rape. Aside from human trafficking, I see it as a choice. And many women / men did choose to become a prostitute. My mum didn’t. She could’ve because of how poor she was. She didn’t.

I don’t want to think all men who tried prostitutes are evil. And yes, we might be surprised how many men actually tried it and lied about it.

Just because you don’t force someone to spread their legs via buying a pair of knickers from Primark, it doesn’t make it any more moral than prostitutions. And we all buy shit from the high street.

I don’t wanna be somehow defending men who use prostitutes but it upsets me how morally biased and hypocritical people can be.

TestBank, The point of paying is not that you get a guaranteed shag, it's that you control the situation and the person. It says a lot about how you view women imo*

What a sanctimonious load of crap. Especially if you haven't been in that environment (sex clubs don't count) Especially when commenting on a young adults actions in a different era/location.

But well done for getting you MN Borg mindset badge.

No one is saying sweat shops are OK.

It's not the same as raping a trafficked or coerced woman. And it is rape. You can define it how you like but I consider a lack of enthusiastic consent rape. He stuck his dick in someone who wouldn't have done it if not for the money. That's not consent any way you paint it.

@Autumntimes

Why did you post then?

You haven't split up with your boyfriend (presumably) for buying things manufactured in poor countries. You haven't made a thread about that.

So clearly you do make a distinction yourself between that and prostitution. So accusing others of being hypocrites is hypocritical in itself.

If you don't see a problem with a partner having paid for a prostitute in the past then stay with him.

If you do have a problem with it then break up with him.

You made a thread and people have responded. You've used whataboutery to call people hypocrites while by the standard you've applied being one yourself.

Either prostitution in poor countries and sweat shops in poor countries are equal and comparable, in which case judge both equally and question a man who uses products likely to be mass produced in sweatshops as much as you would judge one who has used a prostitute.

Or accept that the two make you feel differently so other people are also perfectly justified in feeling differently about the two.

You're defending something you had a problem with. If it's now not a problem, stay with him as you are fine with it.

@Autumntimes plenty of people in the Western world had terrible jobs too!

My mum grew up in 1950's Ireland , she described working terrible jobs, full of abuse, to me.

Autumntimes, if you want to stay with him that is your decision.

Personally, I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.

It would be a deal-breaker for me, personally, and I would have to end things immediately.

*Either prostitution in poor countries and sweat shops in poor countries are equal and comparable, in which case judge both equally and question a man who uses products likely to be mass produced in sweatshops as much as you would judge one who has used a prostitute.

Or accept that the two make you feel differently so other people are also perfectly justified in feeling differently about the two.*

This poster has been so in point throughout this thread.

Just because you don’t force someone to spread their legs via buying a pair of knickers from Primark, it doesn’t make it any more moral than prostitutions. And we all buy shit from the high street.

For the sake of argument personally I would find it more immoral to exploit someone sexually than economically. It's more degrading, more risky to health, more personal.
In a sweat shop someone is part of a shitty system and the consumer is at the end of that shitty system, many of whom haven't much money for clothes and buy cheap. They haven't gone to someone's country, seen the poverty around them, looked then in the eye and stuck their stuck inside then, which they knew the other person wax only allowing for money.

Neither are ok but personally I find sexual exploitation to be more personal and more degrading.

*stuck their dick inside them, which they knew the other person was only allowing for money.

In any case I think.a straight comparison between the two is next to impossible.

As cookie said, if you genuinely feel.thryre comparable, why haven't you been shook up and posting here about his (likely) purchase of high street clothing ... Yet you are about this.

So you clearly don't consider them in a par - as many of us wouldnt.

And as I said before, you said you didn't expect a moral debate; but what is your problem with it, if not moral?

Well @Autumntimes You seem to be far more sensible and adult about the situation here than many of the so called 'advisors'.

As you say, you cheated. Doesn't mean you will do it again. You made a mistake, you learned a lesson and you are unlikely to behave in the same way.

Just put 'he visited a prostitute............ and the same scenario as yourself.
Doesn't mean he will do it again, and he is just as ashamed as you were, and has learned a valuable lesson. Same as you.

None of us is perfect, and if his current thinking, and attitude to women is now that of a mature man rather than a silly prat (which many young men are) then your relationship can continue with the 'finding out about each other process'

The basic thing is OP is you can do better. You asked because ob some level it bothered you. The answer has upset you.

Using prostitutes is a moral choice; in some countries it is legal, some not. However, that is irrelevant to you because, on some level, you would believe that this man may be your friend and protector.

This is why women who seek long term relationships are often shocked by some men’s attitude to prostitution. They see something that cuts across the “good” man. You need to respect that feeling.

I say some men because there is something that doesn’t extend to all. Some of the greatest players and romeos who may well piss off women in other ways find men who do sad. Their egos were such that paying for it would have degraded everyone.

I would rather a player than a man who pays. One sort of honesty is easier to bear.

They needed the money, and this is how they chose to get it.

Absolutely.

The heroin addicted young woman the Ipswich murderer killed, all the prostitutes in Bangkok etc etc are all choosing, freely, to get their money that way.

They all wake up every morning and think "his would I choose to make money today, I know ; what I'd mist like to do is luck the dirty arseholes of ugly 60 yr old men I don't know, choke on their dicks and then let them year my ass so it's uncomfortable to shit for a while for the finale".

So why when I pay someone £60 to suck me off or whatever, is that any less consensual? They needed the money, and this is how they chose to get it.

Women in incredibly poor countries don't have people to clean for, they don't have the opportunity to become a plumber and there won't exactly be call locally amongst equally poor people for a therapist will there?

There are likely cleaning jobs in hotels but far more people needing jobs than jobs available so the chance of getting one is extremely slim.

Poor countries do, however, have white western tourists who come to the country specifically to pay women for sex knowing full well they are prostituted because they have incredibly limited choices and desperately need money.

Someone having to choose between two shit options to survive doesn't make the person who 'benefits' (for want of a better word) from those options any less culpable and accountable for not just being ok with those options but orgasming over them. In this case that's men who pay for prostitutes in poor countries.

If it's not an issue it's not an issue. If you met someone who for the last ten years had only had sex with prostitutes in poor countries overseas, would you want to go out with him? If it's not an issue then that shouldn't be a problem. If it would be an issue then your argument doesn't make sense.

*tear

Their choice in a smorgasbord of choices, options and opportunities.

I don’t see prostitution as sexual abuse or rape

In that case, you have come to the wrong place to ask for advice about this issue. Most people on MN take a dogmatic, ideological position on sex work which finds it impossible to accept that some people freely & independently choose to sell sexual services and regard it as a business like any other.

@StamfordHill I think that their is a difference.

Using your analogy -

The counsellor has other options of employment.

The prostitute chooses prositution because she has no other options.

In general, severe poverty/ drug addictionis driving her to prostitution.

So is that consent?

Most people on MN take a dogmatic, ideological position on sex work which finds it impossible to accept that some people freely & independently choose to sell sexual services and regard it as a business like any other.

I think it's perfectly possible - but I don't think it's the majority of prostitutes.

And most definitely not the majority in impoverished countries with no welfare/benefits.

6 months op. Dump Him.

Most people on MN take a dogmatic, ideological position on sex work which finds it impossible to accept that some people freely & independently choose to sell sexual services and regard it as a business like any other.

I absolutely, unequivocally agree some people do.

I also believe that most people don't.