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Original poster

Boyfriend told me he paid for prostitute overseas when he was young

368 replies

Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 15:45

Been with him for almost 6 months now. Randomly asked him the question if he has hired a prostitute before and he said yes, overseas when he was much younger. I didn’t ask too much details. I just felt disgusted and upset. He said he did it once and he was ashamed to tell people but he wanted to be honest with me.

I don’t know what to do. I got told this about 3 weeks ago. Some days we were ok. Other days I could not stop imagining him being this sleazy loser who went up to a hooker and negotiated price. It changed my perception of him completely. So much so that I felt a bit disgusted just talking to him. We haven’t talked about this in great detail. Maybe I should but I don’t wanna make myself feel sick all over again.

I understand that people do make mistakes in the past and people do change. I am very against judging people for what they have done in the past without giving them a fair chance but it’s just been so hard. I kinda wish he lied to me when I asked him. It did absolutely nothing to our relationship but to make me feel disgusted and hurt. I just don’t know how I can get over it.

OP posts:
Amymayapple · 31/03/2020 19:40

@MrsTerryPratchett was it you that said you worked with prostitutes. Can i please ask- were any of them happy to be doing it?

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 19:40

*morals

Original poster
Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 19:42

I tried to consider both sides but when I thought about how people said prostitution is extreme abuse but would be willing to buy Adidas shoes, Primark skirts, etc made by my mum, in a sweat shop, and people will never stop buying these things, I just find it very upsetting.

OP posts:
Amymayapple · 31/03/2020 19:44

@autumntimes

I see rape as more extreme abuse than people making clothes for little pay for long hours

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 19:44

Part of the problem when we are younger (at least as I see it) is that we are often too curious about the Bf or Gf's sexual past and make comparisons about the ex in our heads. The op is not likely to run into the foreign prostitute whereas she might if an ex-gf was in her own town.

Confused

Wtf.

StealthMama · 31/03/2020 19:44

Everyone has a past, he is owning it and was honest. That sets him apart from a good few other blokes if you asked the same question and many would still be paying fir sex if they fancied the thrill.

This wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. Even in the last ten years men have become educated in how misogyny presents itself and the unfair treatment if women. Sounds like he's learnt.

BigFatLiar · 31/03/2020 19:45

I’ve done some stupid shit, drunk or sober. But never receive or pay money for sex. Nor do I know many people who do, or have admitted having done so.

Would you be open to telling him about your prior activities and being judged by him?

As a female you're unlikely to need to pay for sex, any pub or club will provide you with someone to shag, not so true of men if it was there'd be no need of prostitutes.

Scott72 · 31/03/2020 19:47

"I didn’t expect this to turn into a moral discussion.."

You can't have been reading this forum all this long, since many posters here believe prostitution = rape, no exceptions, and are happy to argue this point. But anyhow he probably shouldn't have said anything to you about it and just kept quiet.

BackseatCookers · 31/03/2020 19:48

As a female you're unlikely to need to pay for sex, any pub or club will provide you with someone to shag, not so true of men if it was there'd be no need of prostitutes.

If everyone was rich there'd be no need for muggings. Doesn't mean I would want to ever date someone who had mugged someone.

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 19:51

I tried to consider both sides but when I thought about how people said prostitution is extreme abuse but would be willing to buy Adidas shoes, Primark skirts, etc made by my mum, in a sweat shop, and people will never stop buying these things, I just find it very upsetting.

If I had the choice between working long hours sewing clothes on a machine for example (which incidentally lots of women did in my neck of the woods til the 80s, though obviously their h&s standards were probably better) or letting men I don't know and am not attracted to me fuck my mouth, vagina and anus - repeatedly, risking STDs and injuries etc. ... ( A woman on here said she found out her bf had alongside a friend and the friends prostitute - Thai - told him he was hurting her but he just laughed and carried on)..

Id be choosing the sewing.

Wouldn't you?

Karwomannghia · 31/03/2020 19:51

Sounds like he was young and stupid and wishes he hadn’t done it. I would forgive it as he’s very ashamed. If he tried to make light of it or lied and you’d found out another way that would be unforgivable.

DrMorbius · 31/03/2020 19:54

20, 30 years ago the general publics view on prostitution was way different than it is today. Especially when abroad. I spent some time in Australia and it was far from unheard of, for a group of guys to have a night out and share a prostitute at the end of the night now it's just kebabs at the end of the night

Just goes to show, the Ops DP should have lied.

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 19:58

"I didn’t expect this to turn into a moral discussion.."

How does prostitution ever not turn into a moral discussion?

If your reaction to what you found out isn't, when it comes down to it, about morals, what is it about?

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 20:02

I spent some time in Australia and it was far from unheard of, for a group of guys to have a night out and share a prostitute at the end of the night now it's just kebabs at the end of the night

A poster on here was stuck abroad with s brother of a friend she'd gone on a trip.with treating her like shite and writing her out .. posters guessed in one page that she was in Australia with an Australian man.

Oz men are still notorious for being boorish, sexist, chauvinist, misogynist and that there's a frontier/male do.jnsted culture esp out of the cities that still features brothels, strip.ckubs, topless girls serving beer in special.nightd etc - a girl I know went recently and that was the case.

Anyway - are we supposed to be glad things have "improved" from your prospective partner having been likely to have gang fucked a prostitute regularly at the end of a night out?

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/03/2020 20:02

Can i please ask- were any of them happy to be doing it?

Happy is relative. They wanted decriminalization and argued for freedom of choice. But no, none of them was happy. I've seen pregnant women being prostituted by the father of the child, women injecting heroin into their neck because their veins have collapsed but still having punters, a women giving a BJ for a packet of crisps and a drink. And the Bad Dates duke the women kept to warn each other. Filled with rape, violence, kidnapping, abuse. By punters who were never caught or prosecuted.

So no, I cannot feel other than utter contempt and revulsion towards the men that use them.

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 20:03

*weirding her out

Healthyandhappy · 31/03/2020 20:03

U asked him and got a response are you jealous and that's why u dont like his answer or are u worried he will do it again?

If he asked u if u had a 1 night stand b4 and u said yes would u like him or others to see you as a slapper or easy? No u wouldn't. Its over with just like your past life is x

Eesha · 31/03/2020 20:07

I expect to get flamed here but a friend married a man who had only ever slept with prostitutes. He worked offshore and it was just something they all did regularly. He estimated it was over 50 women by the time he was 30. She only told me when they were dating as she wasn't sure whether to continue seeing him. They did continue, got married and actually he comes across as a really nice guy/dad in person whenever I've met him.

StamfordHill · 31/03/2020 20:07

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Amymayapple · 31/03/2020 20:09

@stamfordhill you forgot the factor of being trafficked and forced to do it

BackseatCookers · 31/03/2020 20:13

They did continue, got married and actually he comes across as a really nice guy/dad in person whenever I've met him.

Probably because he hasn't asked to pay you for sex. Plenty of people come across as nice who aren't.

And plenty of people can compartmentalise and be nice to people they think are worthy of being nice to but view others as receptacles for their dick and nothing more.

'Nice' is subjective isn't it.

The chances of someone shagging a prostitute who isn't either driven to doing it by desperation of circumstance or being trafficked is very slim.

The likelihood of finding a man who hasn't fucked a prostitute is higher. So I would rather do that. And I would rather be single than do otherwise.

Some estimates say 1/10 men have paid for sex. So I would rather be with one of the 9/10 who haven't funnily enough.

Everyone's different and I like men who see all people as worthy of being respected and wouldn't risk contributing to sex trafficking by paying a woman or girl for sex.

BackseatCookers · 31/03/2020 20:16

Poverty/needing money does not equal lack of consent. Otherwise employee would basically be enslaved.

Yes Susan in accounts and Lucy in the marketing department are in the same situation as people with such limited choices they are driven by desperation to prostitute themselves...

Not all sex workers are trafficked or forced. But the vast majority are.

A decent man wouldn't want to pay for sex.

Even a half decent man wouldn't take the risk because a prostitute is more likely than not to have been trafficked or forced by desperate circumstances.

TestBank · 31/03/2020 20:18

I use sex and fet clubs a lot. There are always options for single men that don't involve paying (I admit it isn't as easy as it is for women). But that involves social skills and equality. The point of paying is not that you get a guaranteed shag, it's that you control the situation and the person. It says a lot about how you view women imo.

BackseatCookers · 31/03/2020 20:21

I use sex and fet clubs a lot. There are always options for single men that don't involve paying (I admit it isn't as easy as it is for women). But that involves social skills and equality. The point of paying is not that you get a guaranteed shag, it's that you control the situation and the person. It says a lot about how you view women imo.

HEAR HEAR 👏👏👏

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 20:24

Plenty of people come across as nice who aren't.

This.