Husband sexual group chat

[love1234]

My husband was being a bit funny with his phone, so I asked to see what he was hiding. After a lot of saying I needed to calm down etc he showed me - lads chat is full of pictures of random naked women from the internet and they're all rating them who is hottest, including my husband.

I'm absolutely raging with him and he can't see why. AIBU?

P.s. we are not one of those couples who doesn't allow porn etc. but I feel like this is too far.

I clearly must have totally different kind of friends to many of you because I can’t think once where anything remotely iffy was shared.

Agree with ‘@Patchworkpatty. It’s not going to last of you decide what he can talk about privately.
Also bore off with the “what if it were his daughter “argument.

He has apologised. Made dinner. Said he won't do it again if it upsets me... not sure if I believe that though.

There we are.

Bizarre posts by @ceejay54321

Thanks - I enjoy being bizarre. @love1234 think my point is that your DH has done some thing sad, pathetic - and shown a stereotypical male behaviour that is unfavourable. However I don’t think the best way to respond is to continue to reinforce that stereotype and assume that he is now a ‘vile creature’ and preys on “young, sweet, innocent,beautiful” female victims. He could be - but you know him best - and I would hope it’s unlikely. However I would keep checks in his attitudes and behaviour. He has implied that he knows it’s wrong and will change.
From an article “ Considering stereotypes, the stereotyping process has evolved in a time when a tribe was the defining unit of identity. Today, in the epoch of the differentiated self, tribal distinctions, however accurate, may no longer provide sufficiently useful and important cues for adaptive action. Rapid social change, in other words, is rendering stereotyping superfluous, and certain previously relevant stereotypes gratuitous.”

The stereotypical view here (which holds truth) is that men are dominant and objectify innocent women. However if we continue to uphold these stereotypes it’s not going to bring about change.

is the assumption that men’s chat is ‘sleazy’ and women’s chat is ‘light hearted’...

Because that's exactly the difference between men's chat and women's chat. Not assumption, just fact.

You are going out of your way @ceejay54321 to prove a point that just isn't true. It's not possible to compare men's behaviour against women to women's behaviour against men. Surely I don't have to pull out the rape/ DV stats?

Are you sure you are female?

What's with all the posters with names followed by numbers as their username, on this thread, banging on about how women do it too? Sock puppets or MRAs hmmm

Or @ceejay54321?🤔

The thing I’ve found most offensive on here is that I’m ‘odd’ or ‘weird’ or ‘in a minority’ because I’ve looked at men’s clocks online. Also a generalisation that men will look at 12/13 year old girls in a sexual way - and that your DH’s behaviour is likely to be abusive and unlawful with no context. It is never going to progress society forward if we apply these assumptions to all men and general male behaviour. I do agree that men are more likely to exhibit abusive sexual behaviour towards women - but it’s damaging to apply it to every situation. I’ve been accused of being some sort of male sympathist - whereas I actually think it’s more sexist to keep reinforcing ‘typical’ male/female behaviour - rather than break it down and challenge assumptions.

And believe me, the LAST thing I will be encouraging in my daughter is that she is some sort of sweet, innocent, pure Disney princess and to live in fear of vile males. I will teach her about vile behaviour and how to protect herself. But also to respect and value men AND women.

Completely agree with Ceejay’s last two points. Can’t abide some of the binary judgements I’ve seen on this thread.

is the assumption that men’s chat is ‘sleazy’ and women’s chat is ‘light hearted’...

Because that's exactly the difference between men's chat and women's chat. Not assumption, just fact.

You are going out of your way@ceejay54321to prove a point that just isn't true. It's not possible to compare men's behaviour against women to women's behaviour against men. Surely I don't have to pull out the rape/ DV stats

^^This.

The stereotypical view here (which holds truth) is that men are dominant and objectify innocent women. However if we continue to uphold these stereotypes it’s not going to bring about change.

Hahaha!! 😂😂

I look at mens clocks online.

Not sure that posters who choose to adhere to a more stereotypical stance are adding any greater weight to their viewpoint by simply laughing at typos/views they disagree with...

ceejay
As this thread goes on you make less and less sense.

You do realise there is a difference between stereotypes and acknowledging male pattern behaviour?

Right now your central arguement seems to be 'i love looking at dick pics and anyone objecting to the behaviours that sexually objectify women (that exist within a framework of socialisation linked to make dominance) are being stereotypical and that's damaging'
Aka. Women calling out attitudes and behaviours that are damaging to women are the real misogynists who oppress women

It's bizarre.

Happy to look at clocks. They are often beautiful and interesting. Carriage clocks with the mechanism visible. Antique grandfather clocks with intricate carvings. Retro 80s digital clocks for nostalgia.

Cocks, not so much thanks.

That’s not what I’ve said at all - and I think it’s bizarre that you’ve interpreted what I’ve said in that way... I’ve called out oppressive attitudes to women several times here. My point is that we - as women - should ALSO question if we have oppressive attitudes towards men. Men with oppressive attitudes towards women is DEFINITELY not acceptable.

I also think cocks are beautiful and extraordinary and amazing - it’s part of our human body.

Similarly I think my female body is just incredible in what it can do/produce children.

It's not part of my human body

Cocks being beautiful and extraordinary and amazing... I thought you were googling them for sexual thrills, not to be amazed at the wonder of human biology!

If men saw women's bodies for the amazing things they can do rather than as a selection of dick holes and s pair of tits maybe things would be better all round.

Xposts

Ceejay your posts are properly bizarre.

Well I think your posts are properly bizarre too!! But I’m happy to live and let live!!

Not sure you can distinguish between beauty and sexual attraction and thrills - I’d say they very closely related. And to me it’s bizarre that you think otherwise!!

I wouldn’t be “absolutely raging” but it would definitely affect the way I felt about my husband. I’d get the ick for sure, as he wouldn’t be the man I thought he was.

Lol at idea that men sharing pics of women in groups and grading them are acting out of a sense of wonder and awe :D