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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband sexual group chat

172 replies

love1234 · 26/03/2020 13:54

My husband was being a bit funny with his phone, so I asked to see what he was hiding. After a lot of saying I needed to calm down etc he showed me - lads chat is full of pictures of random naked women from the internet and they're all rating them who is hottest, including my husband.

I'm absolutely raging with him and he can't see why. AIBU?

P.s. we are not one of those couples who doesn't allow porn etc. but I feel like this is too far.

OP posts:
ceejay54321 · 26/03/2020 15:14

@gigi098 I’ve got a GREAT gif of Fassbender’s cock. Let me know if you want to see it - I’ll PM you @LolaSmiles and @BeetrootRocks too Grin

IAmFleshIAmBone · 26/03/2020 15:18

I'd be rather upset too to find out that my husband was a misogynist Confused how utterly revolting.

bloomingwonderful · 26/03/2020 15:24

@ceejay54321 👍😝

PixiKitKat · 26/03/2020 15:27

I wouldn't give a shit. My partner's mates are hilarious though so I'd want to read all the comments

ceejay54321 · 26/03/2020 15:29
Wink
Husband sexual group chat
ceejay54321 · 26/03/2020 15:37

What also makes me Grin is the assumption that men’s chat is ‘sleazy’ and women’s chat is ‘light hearted’...

Runmybathforme · 26/03/2020 15:44

My DH and his pals recently started their own WhatsApp group, all middle aged men. He told me he and a few of the others left the group because of the pics that were being posted. His reasoning was that they wouldn’t like it if their daughters pics were on there. I would find it totally repellent if I found out about it and he hadn’t left the group.

Mammatino · 26/03/2020 15:46

I bet they are all corkers and all womankind drop at their feet too. Or not. Tell him how you feel, he knew it would upset you hence hiding it. No point being upset and angry if you don't explain why. I agree with you op, I wouldn't like it.

BeetrootRocks · 26/03/2020 15:48

I've heard how men talk about women when they think women aren't around/ forget that a woman is there or for some reason decide she doesn't 'count' and it's no way the same as how women talk about men.

We've had young men at university have groups sharing rape fantasies about female students, armed forces groups doing this about female colleagues, in the news yesterday there was a thing about a court case where a man had blackmailed underage girls into sharing explicit content that he put on a subscription service in s Korea, schoolboys in UK circulating stuff about girls they knew with a points system, the list goes on and on and on.

What OP DH is doing is at the mild end of the scale obviously but the place it comes from, in the context of the wider behaviour of men and boys around women and girls, means that a lot of women feel uncomfortable.

Women's behaviour towards men is in no way comparable.

Plus if they are sharing pics of women, even celebs, they probably don't know if they were got consensually, happy to be shared etc. Many female celebs had their cloud storage hacked a few years back. Plenty of content of sites is of underage girls/ filmed rape etc. Coerced. And so on. And in fact when eg the celeb hack thing happened that content was being actively sought with an excuse of, if they didn't want people to see they shouldn't have had the photos/ put them in the cloud etc.

This simplistic oh it's just a bit of fun, women do it to, totally ignores the context and wider perspective on how men behave on the net and in the wider world, too often.

The actions

Basil121185 · 26/03/2020 15:54

Its a bit of an eye roll moment but seriously, some of you need to get a grip!
You think that is bad, you want to see some of the stuff that me, my best mate, my gay brother and his partner send to each other.

gigi098 · 26/03/2020 15:55

Second that

IAmFleshIAmBone · 26/03/2020 16:02

There's a lot of pressure on women to be 'the cool girl' or 'I'm not like other girls' when really it's okay to not accept misogynistic, creepy, sleazy behaviour from your partner. Just because SOME women might act the same way (just as creepy and sleazy, but not having quite the same impact in my opinion) doesn't make that behaviour automatically fine.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 26/03/2020 16:05

What a turn off.

ceejay54321 · 26/03/2020 16:07

@BeetrootRocks I’m afraid I think you are making a massive assumption about men i.e they all just one step away from being ‘rape fantasists’ or sharing pics of underage females. We have no context from the OP - yet it’s been immediately assumed that the chat wasn’t light hearted.

ceejay54321 · 26/03/2020 16:14

If it’s lawful for men and women to post suggestive pictures of themselves on the internet - then their bodies will be scrutinised by men AND women.

ceejay54321 · 26/03/2020 16:32

And you can’t possible say that a female group chat about male body parts is acceptable - whereas a male group chat isn’t ...because that would be sexist and hypocritical.

Patchworkpatty · 26/03/2020 16:34

I would be mighty pissed off if my DH wanted to police my conversations with friends. I am a grown adult with the right to do as I please with in the bounds of the law.

Why is it that MN seems to have such a low regard for privacy ? And will ALWAYS try and justify breaching someone else's - yet comment on someone behaving appalling in public and there is a raft of 'mind your own business' ..

I would say 'mind your own business' to the OP. In this case .

hellodinasour · 26/03/2020 16:38

Hi op my partner was in this kind of group chat last year and was hiding his phone even changed his pin code so I couldn't get in to it . So I pretended I needed to use his phone and obviously he woundnt give it to me I said why have you changed the code and he went nuts even left me ! He knew I knew about the photos this man was sending in there and videos ! So I think went cause he was embarrassed. I told him if he was in that kind of group again I would leave him. I am anti porn and don't look at stuff like that myself so don't expect him too . Plus if I did he would be flipping out . He started crying the next day saying how much he loved me and that he would never be part of it again . A week later and more photos . He said that he had told the man not to send them the week before but he started again . The man was and is his boss ! Married too with kids the sicko! He had a word with him and it's not happened since . If It did I would seriously be thinking is it worth it mentally to be with him. A perv . I hate how most women are like this just what men do ? Really have some respect for yourselves ! It's just been drilled in to our heads that's it ok for our men to ogle other naked women whilst sitting right next to us !!!! Really boils my blood aye .

IAmFleshIAmBone · 26/03/2020 16:38

Who said women doing it was acceptable and men doing it isn't? Both are equally childish and questionable.

As for privacy, I think I'd rather know that my husband was a creep so that I could get rid of him ASAP. Privacy is valuable but it really depends what it is you're hiding I guess Confused

ceejay54321 · 26/03/2020 16:48

There is DEFINITE theme in this thread that women do it for ‘light hearted reasons’ and men do it for ‘sleazy’ reasons. Thereby saying a woman’s reason for looking a dick pics is more acceptable.

ceejay54321 · 26/03/2020 16:48

No equality there at all!!!!

LolaSmiles · 26/03/2020 16:50

IAmFleshIAmBone
I don't think anyone has said it's fine for women to spend their time hunting for photos of naked men online to send to a group chat where they all rate them, it just suits one poster to keep coming back time and time again saying "yeah but some women might do this thing that's similar".

IAmFleshIAmBone · 26/03/2020 16:52

LolaSmiles I totally agree with you, only one, or maybe two posters have been defending this by saying 'women do it too', but I don't think there is a theme at all. Mostly people saying it's gross behaviour, and a couple of people saying it's fine/funny/just a bit of fun.

msmith501 · 26/03/2020 16:53

Ironically enough, a certain well known social media app started life as a way for university students to rate their female colleagues in terms of looks, sexiness etc.

Youcanstay · 26/03/2020 16:57

Jeez, ceejay, you are one sad woman.
Give it a rest already!

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