For those on lockdown with an abuser

[12345kbm]

Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

@NameChangedAMillionTimes sorry you feel you are not getting the help you need. You believe your situation is impossible. In your case I would instigate a scene in a public place where the police would need to be called. If you cannot do that perhaps write on a piece of paper your situation , giving your name, address and telling them you are in desperate need of help from domestic abuse and to please let the police know as you are unable to call them yourself. Leave it on a park bench, in a shop, wherever you can. You have access to the internet then you can email or message the police and let them know what has been going on. Keep dates and time lines, that will count as evidence.

I know of a case where a woman could not cope anymore while out with her family and abuser and she simply lay down on the street in front of a police car. When they came over she handed them a letter detailing what had been going on. A similar tactic was done when paying for fuel at a petrol station, she handed over an envelope with all her details alongside her credit card and the fuel attendant was able to call help for her. Another case, the woman emailed her DC's childminder and asked her help, another case, the woman told her DC's school. Another case: the woman told her gp and health visitor her life was in danger.

Please do not think you are powerless. You are not. Good luck.

Ok so my husband has come round and brought an Easter egg for dd, no violence. He has been asked several times to not come here by my solicitor and he doesn’t seem to be listening. Last time he brought Xmas presents over uninvited then came back after 30 mins and starting banging on the door to see dd. He has been told to send an application to court if he wishes to have access. Now this is my choice, I don’t want him coming here, he isn’t listening or respecting my choice, and I expected him to! Should I apply now for the non-mol?

I had the whole bloody form ready for when he starting banging down the door then I backed out because I decided it wasn’t violent enough to get a non-mom. Now I see it’s the coercion, it’s the I won’t respect your rules...:yes he bloody well will!

I know you already have the paperwork sorted and yes, I would apply for as much protection as possible. Log the events, even ones from Christmas and call the police. Just because he's not being violent doesn't mean he won't be. He's also not respecting the lockdown.

You've gained so much strength already I can't believe it. A couple of weeks ago you were too anxious to do it.

@Fightingback16 I didnt post to provoked into leaving. I even said that in my post. I posted for support because that is what the original post was allegedly proposing, a safe place, apparently. If I have already made the decision that it is over and I had plans in place to leave, i don't need to be provoked into leaving. I am already there. Unfortunately this situation in lockdown means it is now 100% harder. I have decided not to do that now. Its not possible. That is my decision. So, does that mean I don't deserve any respect? Unless we all do what the OP wants? Im thinking she is an ex social worker, or IDVA... she posts a lot on this subject only. Someone who only has one message which is to leave, right now, but often there is no consideration for the aftermath if you leave without proper long term plans. It ticks boxes for IDVAs and moves you on. It doesnt help with your own return to your new life which is why time and time again women just go back, or don't follow everything through and live in limbo for ever. Im really shocked by this thread as I thought it was a good thing initially but it is only supporting women who leave as the OP wants them to. Right now that is not necessarily the safest advice. Children are resilient. I would rather they stay alive, and that I stay alive. With an underlying health condition, and not young, I am not going into a hostel or b&b with shared facilities and a revolving door of women which means the risk of getting corona goes up 100x. It is a shame this isn't a supportive space for women who are having to stay in abusive situations for slightly longer than planned. No-one should judge anyone's decision, everyone's situation is different, and every decision is theirs to make. Not yours. However you feel and whatever your subjective opinion based on your own experiences. Good domestic abuse support does not involve lecturing women to leave, provoking women to leave - that is Lesson number 1 in the whole thing.

@NameChangedAMillionTimes you need to start your own thread for support, not come onto mine and bad mouth me.

I’m worried, deep down in my soul worried about this man. I need to act on it. I still believed all his crap that he wasn’t really very violent so he wasn’t abusive, YES he was. I look at myself, my protruding bones my damaged teeth, grey hair, my mind, hell yes he was very abusive.

@12345kbm - ha, as I thought, you're a power tripper! Your response is incredible. YOUR thread. Um? Really? Did you really write that? You originally wrote this:
"Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful".
Um? You are provoking people to leave their abuser in the middle of a lock down, if they don't you badmouth them, challenge their realities? Um? As I said before, and you didnt reply. Who are you? What is your background? What makes you the expert in this? You always say you are but I never see any evidence. You are bullying women to leave and go into refuges. That is not support or reassurance, that is bullying and controlling.

@NameChangedAMillionTimes bore off.

@Fightingback16 what do you mean 'worried'? Do you think he's going to break in? Can you explain a bit more?

I’m worried like I always have been, it’s a familiar feeling. I don’t know what he is capable of. I don’t know if he is just playing games. I guess it’s my fight or flight mode going into action, maybe over reacting, maybe not. This man is a danger to me, perhaps it was just emotionally. I’ve emailed my lawyer now to get the ball rolling.

I don’t think with these type of men you can get a firm grip on how worried to be.

@Fightingback16 you have every right to be concerned as you're most vulnerable when you leave, which you already know. I think your instincts are spot on and he is a danger to you. I think the Non Molestation Order is the way to go and perhaps look into the Sanctuary Scheme. It's not in every area so you need to check if it's there.

I can't remember so remind me, are you in contact with a domestic abuse organisation?

@Fightingback16 also, well done for sending off the forms. I know how hard that was for you to do and that shows real courage.

Please can the nastiness stop. Please. I'm so sorry you're so upset and understand why. I turned against someone who tried to help too, a neighbour. I blamed them for being a troublemaker. Please don't blame the OP. They're just trying to help. Please. I had some very bad experiences with my local dv services and had kind strangers online supporting me when I felt so alone and with nowhere to turn. It's not their job, it's all just out of kindness. Please don't get this thread shut down. I don't think anyone judging anyone here. I'm been beyond difficult, not leaving bevsuse of so many fears but I recognise why people tell me it's the best thing to do.

@Fightingback I need to keep reading your posts. I think maybe I'm the same. Being very honest, last night I was thinking I'd just accept my life as it is. It's what I've known for so long and it feels safer and familiar. It's very lonely being all on your own in the world and I don't have a child to keep going for, but then I keep remembering the violence. I've got permanent issues from it although it's not completely down to him. I question if I'm bearing a grudge. It happened ages ago and I feel unfair as he's been so nice. I hope you can get a molestation thing. I think they'd see it as serious enough definitely, threatening to kill you especially as you have a child possibly at risk from a violent man.

Sorry if this is rambled. I've not long got out of bed.

@Fightingback16 please please be careful taking direct advice on your actions from someone online who you don't know, and don't know their motivation. Contact your local women's aid or DV organisation or call 101 and speak to the police DA unit. Please. Applying for non-mols is not a simple process. They take time and arent always granted. Please also find a good lawyer. Use this time to research properly. Please, please be careful.

@plantlife I'm sorry the thread is getting derailed. Hopefully, we can all just ignore it and move on. How are you getting on?

I've just tried the women's aid online chat but they were too busy. I need to get up earlier though as I only got on the site 20 minute's before it ended. I'm going to have a coffee then try calling my council about sanctuary. I don't think I'd feel safe here long-term once lockdown ends so I don't know if they'll want to spend the money for a temporary thing? I may try Shelter again too as I don't know if landlord has to give permission. I keep missing him but then feel really scared about being with him. I feel like Fightingback16 questioning how dangerous he really is and how much is my anxiety.

I have reported you. What you're doing isn't right. This is not a safe space. You are coercing women into leaving into a very unsafe reality.

@NameChangedAMillionTimes the poster you're pleading with not to get a Non Mol has already left and is no longer with the abuser. You know absolutely nothing about what's going on here and are doing nothing but derail a thread and create a bad atmosphere on what is meant to be a safe space for people.

Go away.

@plantlife that's really good to hear, that you're trying the chat line. Have you tried to email the local DV service you mentioned? It would be easier for you if someone was helping you by sorting all this out for you rather than doing it yourself.

However, you seem to be doing a stellar job yourself; I'm very impressed.

It's very natural to feel conflicted but, not only because you've been with him for a while but because of your past. The longer you're away from him, the more the addiction will wear off, like giving up smoking.

You can also call the National Helpline for support and help as well. Details are on the first thread.

You're right that the place isn't safe for the long term. It's a really, really good idea to have a think about that and get some advice.

Sorry first page, not thread.

Also phone the local DV organisation, not email. Got confused with the time.

Advice whomever it be from is just advice, you have a choice to accept it or not. If you post a question be prepared for opposing opinions. I don’t think anyone whatever the situation is going to seriously want to advice someone to stay in a house where their safely is threatened. It’s tremendously hard for someone still in the grip of there abuser to see the real danger they are in, especially if you are in the calm period. People are posting because their inner child is scared.

@plantlife the last time my husband hit me was 11 years ago. He did it only once then topped it up with threats over the years but mainly worked on my confidence. Remember he is not a nice man, it is a trap!