For those on lockdown with an abuser

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Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

I want to be honest because I need to get it off my chest. I know might turn you against me. I'm sorry. I feel this almost physical barrier stopping me trying the other local service. What happened with two other places has really made me so scared to trust, but also I don't think they'll help me. Maybe not enough funding. Truth is I spoke anonymously and they didn't seem to understand my situation. It's my fault. A year earlier I spoke to them and it was a very kind woman but I was too scared to do anything and then she left.

What's really got to me is I wrote an email a week ago to one of the bad experience places, London wide one. I admit it was sort of a complaint, it wasn't asking for help, but I wasn't rude. I was very polite and just told them I was upset about something they'd done. They haven't bothered replying. It makes me feel worse about putting my life in the hands of a dv service. I know they're not all like that. So many lovely kind people working in the services. I'm sorry for the ramble. I'll going to keep going but I had to get that out. When he's not here I feel calmer and more confident but I also lose the urgency. I don't want to mess up again. Thank you, I think I've had to do a lot myself because my council isn't good for support. In a way I feel I can do it but sometimes I think I need someone to advocate for me. Im.so so grateful to online people who'd given me strength. I think I'd prefer to initially email. I struggle to explain on the phone. I'd been building myself up to email but then the virus came. I think I'd rather trust the national helpline and I'm going to email my questions. Please anyone else, don't be put off your local service. So many are really nice. If you have a bad experience, keep trying. There's other places that want to help.

You should feel empowered. He has left you on your own thinking you’ll be there on your own pinning away for him and instead you are finding a way to leave.

@Fightingback16 I'm so sorry you had it like that too and it's so good you've left. That's what my local service didn't seem.to understand. The fear of if and when it might happen again. He actually does still get violent but very very minor. The last serious stuff was a year or two ago, but he'll threaten me or smash and break things. But it's not all the time and I feel so bad making him sound worse than he is. The local place seems to only care if there's been violence in the past three months. They kept saying I needed mental health services for the fear but mental health places say I need dv services. I need to stop thinking about bad experiences though. I'm so lucky to have other options including the national helplines and and advice and support here.

You are contacting these services and saying they won’t help you. But why are you contacting them to complain?
You need to stop focussing on people who haven’t reacted exactly as you would like in the past and deal with the real issue. Your abuser.
Make a coherent plan. That may mean you can’t move to an area you want or have the type of accommodation you’d prefer. But it’s safer than living with a man who has threatened to kill you.
Don’t focus on the virus or medication or health issues in order to deflect from what you need to do.
Freedom programme. You need it. Your thought processes are so screwed up and you’re not focusing on what’s important. You said in your own thread you would do it. Then didn’t.
Stop lying to yourself. You said the virus had brought you together. That’s delusional.

I'm just really sorry your experience has been so bad @plantlife. I think you're perfectly capable of sorting it out yourself, you're halfway there anyway. It's just that it's quicker and easier with someone who knows what's available in your local area, knows what the council are like and, most importantly, has done a risk assessment.

You know to phone Shelter regarding housing, you've got info on the council re Sanctuary scheme and re registered on the housing list - which is a great start. We've discussed a safety plan. You've also had advice and info on refuges.

I don't think you realise how far you've come in such a short space of time!

You also know your legal options as well. Keep going if you're happy to do that. The National Helpline is 24 hours if you feel the need to talk to someone for support and advice.

I feel guilty like I'm betraying him. I also keep thinking what if something happens to him with the virus. It feels extra wrong when our lives are all at risk from the virus. He's not been bad for so long and when there's a situation like the virus it should reconcile people. I know not for everyone. I need to shut up and try and make those calls. There's no harm being prepared to leave or to be safe. I hope you can get the non molestation set up.

Coercive control is illegal, those people advising you clearly don’t know how to do their jobs properly. The fault is theirs not yours. Move swiftly on to people who do want to help you.

@plantlife have you read up on trauma bonding? You can read about it here.

I know you're all right. I admit I've chosen to stay over being in shared housing. I'm frightened of other people and also terrified of the virus. Every time I see the news or posts on Mumsnet I see how bad it is in London. The complaint was stupid. It was about their letter to the housing minister about DV and the lockdown. They wrote that women with children are worried to go into shared accommodation. I was upset as it felt like they didn't care about women without children who might be more at risk because of underlying health and so actually maybe have more need of self-contained. I know I'm extra sensitive because I don't want to be childless and feel ashamed about not being a mother, but I think they should have the decency to send even a brief general reply, even an acknowledgment. It suggests that's how little regard they have for victims otherwise. Sorry. I promise I'm bringing together a plan. I don't know if I'll be strong enough to go through with it but I think I can. I think it needs to be whilst he's not around as I lose my nerve and confidence when he's back. I haven't done any of the freedom programme for ages. I should do more later.

Ok, so now I've had a wobble with the non-mol and haven't called back my solicitor about applying. I'm worried the court will laugh that the last incident was over an Easter egg. I don't know how it works in lock down. I'm worried when he reads the statement with all the history it will make him angry. When I applied for my divorce I worried so much over the statement I watered it down, I even begged him to apply for the divorce and blame me. I didn't want him to read how I felt, it didn't matter as he refuted the watered down version anyway and called me a liar. I don't know what it is that makes me not want him to know, part of me still worries that I'm wrong I suppose.

He did such a good job at convincing me I was the problem, it's very hard to fully accept the alternative. Gives me a headache thinking about it.

I’m at breaking point with him at the moment. Had to deal with an emergency(not medical) at home all because he didn’t listen and didn’t action something several weeks ago that I told him was critical. The DC are driving me up the wall and his bad habits are starting to rub of on the elder dc.
No matter what I do there is little gratitude, running myself to the ground and the condescending and aggressive way he communicates with me regularly is utterly draining. A few of my fiends can see through him and hate the way he treats me and are getting more and more pissed off I’m still with him. The others think he’s mr wonderful and that the sun shines out of his arse. He also happens to hate me spending time with the group of friend that don’t like the way he treats me. He tried to control me when I spend time with them. There was one instance where he called me 20 times over the space of the evening, I wouldn’t pick up the phone. He could not see he’d done anything wrong.
He went to get food supplies and he buys side dishes to serve 2 when it needs to feed the whole family. Apparently dc1 was having beef tonight so didn’t need anything else! Not sure why he thought one of the kids would be ok with nothing but some leftover meat.
Also very much dealing with a PIL problem the dc constantly Skype and call their grandparents when they are needing to do other things and he won’t back me up to listen to me and do as I’m asking. I’m so sick of technology taking over our life. He will even have his phone out at times when we are on our family walk.He walked into a branch while on his phone and apparently that was my fault. Not sure how that one works. He also allowed one of his parents to completely undermine me today about a safety issue when they were chatting. Asked him why he didn’t have my back and claimed they were being funny. No matter what they do they can do no wrong.

@Fightingback16 yep my “DH” is also an expert at claiming I’m the one in the wrong.

I'm so annoyed right now, I don't want him or his bloody £40 giant Easter egg at my house, dd is only 3 ffs, what does she want that for! Why can't I just apply for the bloody non-mol!

@Fightingback16 perhaps have a chat with the police first? It's best to call the police every time he turns up because the situation could escalate very quickly. Don't let him in the house. Don't communicate with him and call the police.

@Idontkowmyname I'm sorry things are so tough for you right now.

Tell the police my husband brought my daughter and Easter egg and I’m worried🤣 can see in the circumstances that going down well!

@Fightingback16 obviously not, no. You know what I mean. You need to keep a log of events as well. You tell the police that your abusive ex is turning up at the house and you're worried for your life. You're scared to go out in case he attacks you and have a young child and vulnerable adult in the house. That you're too scared to file your Non Mol because of his reaction to that and want advice on how to protect yourself. They will know what local resources are available to you, can help with the Non Mol and may have other things they can do such as an emergency button.

Ok yeah sorry was just being silly.

@Fightingback16 give them a ring. Also, you didn't answer my question last time. Are you getting support from a domestic abuse organisation? You might also find that helpful for support and advice.

@Plantlife
It's very obvious from what you write that you're both scared to stay and scared to go. You're in denial because of this. You're looking for reasons NOT to leave to make you feel comfortable, it seems to be. (It's a real thing, called cognitive dissonance.)
You say things are good right now, he realises he loves you, all you want is a hug - in the next breath you say you've actively contacted agencies, there's a history of violence as recently as 2 weeks ago?
Oh, and as for him staying with a friend - you do realise that's inexcusable in this crisis if he's coming back to you with your health conditions?
PLEASE don't bring a child into this relationship.

@Plantlife
I do think you're being a bit unreasonable to expect an agency to respond to a complaint within a week in the middle of a pandemic!

And if you can't be honest with a support service or the council, if you don't give them the full picture (very likely because you have this awful conflict within yourself about leaving/staying) then again it's unreasonable to expect them to help you.

I don't think you will ever leave.

Yes I’ve been working with my local domestic violence support group and I have my own IDVA. I just don’t want to take advantage in this time, I feel like I need a bit more support then possible.

I don’t think it’s fair to say that @plantlife will never leave. People have told me all along on these threads that I have suffered cognitive dissonance. It’s a bloody struggle to undo that other opposed thought but it’s possible to make a decision and decide to act on it come what may. The only difference to me as opposed to @plantlife is that I reached absolute breaking point and thats what it took for me to leave.

@Fightingback16 I'm really pleased to hear that. You're not taking advantage as it's their job to support you and give you advice. I'm not saying don't post here; you've been so supportive and helpful to others here that it would be sad for you to go. It's so helpful for other survivors to talk to someone who is out the other side.

It's just that I'm advising blind as I don't know all your history and don't want to put you at risk. They have your history and would be better placed to advise about the Non Mol. If they have already given you advice on that, then that's fine.