For those on lockdown with an abuser

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Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

Update. I called the police for help on Friday evening and this led to my husband being arrested for domestic abuse. I am now staying at my fathers house with my father. Due to the lockdown I understand that my husband’s court date has been hugely delayed and this would usually take 2 weeks but is instead going to be a 3 month wait. During this time we are not allowed to communicate with each other at all. This wait is having serious repercussions on my piano teaching business as my piano is still at my marital home and I can’t teach without it. The police advised using a solicitor to communicate to my husband that I will need access so that he won’t break his bail terms and I spent yesterday speaking to one but she failed to tell me until much later in the day how much her fees were and as you can imagine they were really expensive. I am so sad because the police keep telling me I am the victim but so far I am just feeling so overwhelmed by the costs involved and also I have been told I don’t have a claim at all on the marital home. I am feeling so stressed about all this and feel it’s just gone from bad to worse.

You've been really brave. Well done for calling the police. The Family Law Panel has solicitors that have a lower fee for those earning under a certain amount. Those trained in Domestic Abuse have a purple ribbon and some offer an initial free hour.

You can also get free legal advice from Rights of Women.

Can you buy a keyboard piano for the time being?

Have you taken out any injunctions or had advice on those?

There’s a sort of anti harassment thing been taken and I feel that with the bail conditions that should be enough. I tried contacting women’s aid but they suggested contacting a solicitor and I just constantly feel like I am going in circles between legal advice and support groups. I really just want my piano and more clothes from home and had no idea it would be this difficult. On the night I left a police officer came with me when I got some of my things in case there was any confrontation with my step daughter and he said to me to be as quick as possible so I felt under pressure to just take what I could at the time. I also have a tiny car. Initially they seemed to advise that I could ask the police to come with me to get further things from the house but then this changed to using a neutral party and they stressed a solicitor would be best. I want that particular piano because I need to try and convince the children I teach that things are half normal and if they see me on a cheap keyboard that doesn’t do the job of a digital piano they will know something is up. As it is I have moved miles away from them so also have the worry of what to do when the lockdown ends with regards to teaching them face to face. During all my ordeals with my husband piano teaching is all that has kept me going. I really need it back in my life.

An 'anti harassment thing' - must be a Domestic Violence Protection Notice (DVPN)? Does that sound familiar?

You sound overwhelmed and need to take a few deep breaths and gain some perspective here.

The most important thing is your safety and for you to remain safe. Sometimes in life, we have to make compromises and if you need to continue the lessons then a temporary solution of a piano keyboard may work in the short term. Perhaps you can hire a piano or use a piano somewhere else when the lockdown ends.

You need to find out what the 'anti harassment' thing is as it would be good to get a Non Molestation Order while it's so recent. You can get a free injunction from the NCDV or Domestic Violence Assist - details above.

Get in contact with Rights of Women for advice. Take a look at the Family Law Panel for a cheaper solicitor. You're obviously not entitled to Legal Aid or your solicitor would have advised you of that.

The solicitor I have been speaking to and the police said I am entitled to legal aid but that due to the lockdown there are few solicitors open that offer this. The harassment thing is likely labelled differently as I am in Scotland. I will keep trying different agencies for advice but yes I am feeling totally overwhelmed and had a dream last night that everything was back to normal and my husband was being really great with me only to wake up and find that this is my nightmare.

@plantlife no it’s not my home, we are joint private tenants, so getting him out will be tricky. Last year he left and it was a nightmare, the police were called because I wouldn’t let him in again after he got his stuff. He called the police on me! Apparently I have to let him in whenever he likes because he is on the tenancy....even though there is a history of DV with a previous partner. So you can understand that I have to be emotionally ready to deal with all this again. I’ve not bothered to talk to him about the messages to women, I know he is incapable of being reasonable where that’s concerned. At the moment he’s being nice to me again, but I’ve got to the stage where I don’t care anymore.

@Smum77 If you're in Scotland then first port of call is the Scottish Women's Rights Centre which are operating as usual. They can give you free legal advice 08088 010 789

Monday 2 - 5 pm
Tuesday 6 - 8 pm
Wednesday 11 am - 2 pm
Friday 10 am - 1 pm

Family Law Panel cover Scotland. They have symbols beside the solicitor's names: purple is domestic abuse trained; those with a pound sign do a reduced fee scheme if you're earning under £20,000 and fewer than £20,000 in savings; the symbol with two people meeting over a table is Legal Aid.

Just go through the solicitors and make a list, give them a call and find someone currently working who does legal aid.

You can also take a look at the Scottish Legal Aid board here. All firms of solicitors who do legal aid work have to be registered with the Scottish Legal Aid Board (SLAB).

You may also be able to apply for some money to buy a new piano. There are various grants you can apply for such as a Crisis Grant and Community Care Grant. Take a look here for various organisations who can help you with that and you can also check to see if you are entitled to any benefits. Try the Money Talk Team for a chat about that and what's going on financially for you: 0800 085 7145

You can check out how to get financial advice after separation here.

My first post here but have posted a number of times over the last year and a bit. Have an IDVA, and was making plans to leave, had planned a week at a friends house whilst she was away to start the legal process of OO and Non Mol but then lockdown happened. In a way its good as I have found a better solicitor and she's giving better advice and I also was getting time pressure stress as I hadn't typed up all the evidence. So that's the positive. The only one.

Because now I'm trapped at home and he's getting worse and worse. I have small children. It's emotional/psychological abuse, its non-stop now he's at home all the time. He won't help with kids at all, so Im doing that but contending with his constant criticism and abuse. I don't know if I can survive another 10 weeks of this. I don't know what to do. The IDVA said she will only speak to me if I'm out of the house but at the moment that is impossible because he won't look after kids. I'm a prisoner, domestic slave, he's doing nothing, no cooking, cleaning, laundry. He's not working as they put him on furlough.

I can't leave right now. Its impossible with young children and in lockdown. I have no family, nowhere to go, and I'm not taking them to a refuge or a B&B in lockdown either. Please don't try and persuade me or harass me for this decision. I know my situation and my children and myself. I've also been told not to physically leave the family home, there is a complication surrounding that so leaving permanently would mean losing rights to it.

I guess my question is, how do you cope with this situation? How is everyone else coping? I try to avoid him as much as possible. I go straight to my bedroom after ive put kids to bed. He sleeps on sofabed so I don't see him until the morning. DOn't know really. Just posting for support. Suddenly feel very very trapped and a bit hopeless. Try and make the days fun and happy for my kids and he tries to sabotage everything. I usually try and ignore it. But today Im tired. Tired of everything. Feel my fight slipping away. Would it be better if I just go to a refuge on my own? Leave the kids? I don't feel right doing that but I don't know what else I could do. I saw another poster say it was 3 months for a hearing! That's what I'm frightened of, 2 and a half weeks seemed bad enough!

@NameChangedAMillionTimes If you're finding it difficult to cope, your children will be feeling it much worse as they are entirely powerless under the circumstances and you're not.

Why can't you text the IDVA and ask her to contact you at a certain time when you take your children for exercise? Surely you're not keeping the children cooped up inside the house with no exercise?

How about shopping? Who is leaving the house to buy food and goods? I find it difficult to believe that you can't get out if he's not helping at all.

You can get a Non Molestation Order and Occupation Order via NCDV or DV Assist both of which provide emergency injunctions. You can still file the forms for the injunctions; contact one of the aforementioned organisations for advice, you can email them if you can't talk on the phone.

Your IDVA surely gave you advice and information before lockdown. Why can't you contact her via email?

Don't leave your children with him, get him removed from the premises.

Ok I find it really weird that you should question my reality! I am allowed to go out before the kids wake up. We then all drive together to take the kids out for exercise after that. I am not allowed to drive the car. We live in a city, I can’t go to a park with kids and leave them playing on their own whilst I speak to the IDVA, all our parks are closed. I am sorry you are finding my reality hard to believe. Clearly you have never been in an abusive relationship or have any idea of coercive control. He is doing the shopping.
You keep on telling everyone to apply for non molestation and occupation orders as if it’s easy but if the perpetrator has the right to stay in the house as he has nowhere else to go - which is pretty likely during lockdown then he has the right to stay in the home whilst the courts decide. This could take 3 weeks, at the moment 3 months. No I have a rubbish IDVA unfortunately, she’s overworked and has a massive case load. I’m so shocked by your response I won’t bother posting again. Who are you?

I think that the OP is giving you all the cold hard facts. Sometimes provocation is the only way to shock people into doing. I’ve had many replies on threads that really upset me but they did provoke me into thinking. Unfortunately this is a terrible situation and there is only so much others can help on here. The best option is always to leave with the children but it has to be done in a safe and planned way. If you can’t find a way to call or text, is there anyone who could do it for you? I know from experience I wouldn’t have had anyone. Can you stick it out, he is likely to become violent? I don’t know other people’s situation and how it feels to have got an understanding of knowing in advance your partner is abusive, I left because I broke. I know your IDVA won’t call you at home because it would put you at greater risk if he found out. Can you text in the toilet, can you get him to go shopping alone, tell him you’re feeling sick? It’s hard because of the barriers of fear and you have already decided to stay. Can you use your knowledge of him and what he used against you to keep it from escalating until this is over?

That’s probably the worst advice, asking someone to stick it out. I’m very sad that I gave that advice, my heart, what’s left of it goes out to you all.

@Fightingback16 please don't think that. You're giving the best advice you know and trying to help. You're being really kind, given what you're going through yourself right now.

@Fightingback16 I was going to try to say the same as you but you said it better. I feel like I have no right to give advice but it's so much easier to give it to someone else. Its such a difficult situation and I know my fears have been a massive barrier but weirdly when I see someone else posting I feel like I see a way out for them. It's hard to see it for yourself. There's been times when I've initially felt so upset over a post but actually it's someone trying to help. I know I have the fog and I suppose we all do when we're in this situation? At the same time the kindness of @12345kbm and everyone else who's tried to help has meant so much to me. It won't seem like it as I've not yet left but it's given me strength to try. Please don't be upset or angry @NameChangedAMillionTimes I think it might be when we're so used to someone hurting us we can't help thinking everyone is when they're actually trying to help. They can't perform miracles. Also please don't be offended but when there's children it's obviously important to protect them. You and me are making adult decisions even if the choices are really between crap and crapper. Children obviously can't make any choice. I grew up with abuse and it really messed me up. I thought I was over it but maybe not as I've ended up in it as an adult. Refuges do everything they can to make it nice for children. They'll be looked after. I know how hard it is when DV services aren't great or you feel let down. When I first asked for help I wasn't even offered an idva and was told to just call the police with no support. That was after violence and neighbours calling the police. There's good services out there too though.

I had to keep trying and it wears you down, I know, but you just have to keep trying. I've spoken to services in the street before. It's horrible but possible. Would your idva contact you online? I think they all should anyway. It's never been easy for me to make calls and that's before lockdown. If you're in danger, they would remove him. With lockdown they'd probably put him in a b&b if he's got nowhere else. They've put rough sleepers up.

Sorry that last post was so long. I haven't much of an update in my own situation but I finally made myself do the housing application. I'm scared what happens next and feel like I've betrayed him but it's nothing definite anyway. It's just a possible option. I tried my council today. I planned to initially ask anonymously about the sanctuary scheme but I was put in hold then hung up on. I know they're extra busy with the lockdown although they've done this before when I called about DV housing. I'll try again. I admit I sort of don't want to leave but I'm trying to be prepared for if things get bad again.

@Sarahjess26 It's so hard with private renting. It's the same for me and also needing to be emotionally strong enough to keep trying. I was let down by services too but there's some really good ones too. It's so hard to keep trying but I'm trying to and I hope you can too. It's much harder with everyone being so busy with the lockdown but have you tried a DV service or social services? They could help you with the police and getting him out if you want that. Sorry if you've already tried.
I hope you're doing ok @Fightingback16 I hope to be as strong as you. I hope you're ok too @ByeByeMissAmericanPie and hope you can leave soon too.

@plantlife how are you doing with that list? I thought there may be a history but history doesn't define you. It makes things harder, certainly but that strength is still there. Thank you and you're welcome btw You have a lot on and it's kind of you to think of others.

@plantlife re registering is a huge step, well done. I know it's hard but keep going. You may be able to access the Sanctuary Scheme (have you checked your borough does it) via a DV organisation. Have you checked to see if there are others in the area?

Thank you do much. I didn't think to check online if my borough does the scheme. I'll check their website tomorrow. Then try to go to the next thing on the list. There's another service in my area. I've been scared to trust them and scared of losing him or getting him into trouble. It's so much easier trying to help someone else. It actually helps me forget my own issues for a bit too. I feel so awful like I'm betraying him especially when he's being nice and with the virus. It makes you want to hold on to people you care about. I know I need to be prepared for it to maybe get bad again though so I'll keep trying to be stronger.

@plantlife give the other service a ring or email and check them out. I'm sure they'll be fine, don't worry.

It will get bad because it goes in a cycle. The 'nice' phase may last for months, even years and then it'll get bad again. It would be a great idea to read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft while you're trying to work all this out as you sound very conflicted.

You're making great strides though, keep going.

I’m doing ok thank you, just about ok. What these men do to us is so so unfair. All I have is a shadow of my former self left and some trust that given time, like all things it will get better. I repeat to myself thousands of times a day, “I am worthy of love and safety”. Those who have insight are so much further ahead then I was, I don’t think you realise, so many don’t get that opportunity. The fact you can see what’s happening means you still know how you should and shouldn’t be treated. Your self esteem is still there!

@plantlife how you feel about your partner is exactly how I felt. I never wanted him to get in trouble. I left the house with my daughter because I wanted him to be ok and have somewhere to stay, even tho he said he’d kill me. I believed him when he said he wouldn’t stay long. I’m the one a year later sharing a room with my daughter still. I let him have all the savings because I felt so bad for breaking up the family , he has spent it all. I let him have unsupervised access for 10 months to dd, when I knew he was mentally unstable, angry and smoked weed. Every time she came back she was ill, but that need to please is so strong. A year later and that need is almost gone. When I feel guilty I give it no thought.
This has take me, 14 months, you will get there; it’s like a really strong drug that needs to get out of you system. 3 months ago I went absolutely no contact, which was excruciating, but the best think I’ve ever done. I can see the emptiness of my life and how all we had keeping us together was fear. He didn’t win before and he isn’t going to win now, I’m fighting for my life!

@Fightingback16 you're getting there, it's a slow climb back up, but you're getting there. Well done for saying the affirmations, it really works. Your self esteem has taken a battering and you are worthy of love and safety. You're processing it and sometimes it will feel like the dark times again but that will pass. To have the capacity to still give when you are hurting so much is a true testament to what a strong spirit you have. Your daughter is safe and loved and that's something to be proud of.

And yes, it's exactly like an addiction, you're right.

Yes she is safe and loved. This feeling sorry for him is getting on my nerves, it’s not my thinking but I still find myself blaming myself at times. I can’t stand him, I hated him for years so I wish it would hurry up and go now. It’s what keeps me connected to the bad times, I’m trying to drown it out. Im hoping if I say it enough time’s and for long enough it will disappear, just like how he put it in there. I think once we are out of lockdown I can add other things to help drown it out also, groups etc. These men’s voices are very LOUD!

I’ve asked myself a deep personal question. Once on the day I left and again the other day. “do you want to die, do you feel so bad you want to die......” my answer is no.