For those on lockdown with an abuser

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Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

@yogi1 absolutely brilliant and accurate advice. For myself on the day I left when I broke I asked myself whilst sat on the floor rocking and crying do you want to live and have a chance however small or do you want to die. I chose to live. @plantlife you have a chance right now, you are further ahead then you realise, you have a choice. Make it and stick to it, push out the thoughts about the choice you did not to go with. Take a leap.

@plantlife imagine you are a little frightened, badly injured pet too scared to move. Would you want to leave her there or would you want her safe and at peace for the rest of her days?

Rescue her please. Show her some compassion for what she had been through but please help get her out of there.

Ok, I'm spoken to shelter. I don't know what to, I'm confused, and now I'm wondering if it's a legal grey area? Maybe the law is unclear? Shelter said it's up to individual councils to decide if someone counts as vulnerable due to DV. They said I had the legal right to apply to a council in Wales or Scotland where there's more protection for all victims but obviously I can't do that now with the virus. I'd also worry people there would resent someone from England taking their resources. They said I was right, that DV isn't guaranteed priority need and that duty to help can just mean giving me information (but not housing).

I need to try to help myself I think as there's not enough protection for all DV victims. I think I need to try to wait it out. He's now said he'll stay away for the three week lockdown. I don't think he'll stay longer if lockdown's extended so I'll try to think of a plan. I've got two weeks to work something out. I've wasted the time so far panicking.

I need to leave where I am to have any hope of housing, either through council or private. I should've taken the leap sooner before the virus came. I did try and was let down but I should've trusted the nice places. It was extra hard to trust after being let down when I first asked for help.

I know I'm losing any support. I should've taken advice before the virus. I did try. Maybe not hard enough but I called refuges and places were gone.

The next few days I'll keep trying to get through to the national helpline. I stayed up all night again but couldn't get through. I'll ask them for advice on my situation and what they're advising for women who need to self isolate. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm not taking advice. I'm trying to now. I wish I'd done it sooner before the virus but I also wish the places I asked for help hadn't let me down. It really knocked me because it was so hard to ask.

You need to believe in yourself and your survival instinct. The person you were and the dreams you had before you let this person take you over.
Look back to your best self and the people who cared about you
You can do this.

If he is using any substances to influence you don’t be ashamed about this. You can overcome it.

Listen to the radio. 6 music . Anything to give you perspective

Being honest Shelter did say I'd probably be given emergency housing in my situation but it would be shared, like a hostel or B&B. I'm so scared of that anyway but now with the virus it's definitely not something I could do. Sharing with lots of people whose hygiene I wouldn't know is more dangerous than sharing with one person who is washing hands regularly, using bleach to clean, etc. There is a risk of violence too. There was a double murder in a large shared flat in London yesterday.

I'm not going to ignore the advice. I need to stop panicking and being too scared to act. It's so paralysing at times. I have time now to plan so I'll keep making calls and try to work out what to do. I'm trying to get my confidence up too. Maybe I'm closing off options because I'm too scared. I don't even know anymore. I'm sorry for being so frustrating. I've let my fears make things worse. I know I need to stop that.

I'll try calling the council to ask about the sanctuary scheme. In an emergency I'm thinking I could do that. Long-term it would work as I'd be trapped indoors hiding from him but maybe whilst there's lockdown it could help as I'd be indoors anyway.

It's so hard because on top of all the fears I'm missing him. I'm so worried about him too. I don't want him to get the virus as hrs at increased risk too. It's possible he's not like you think. He's not been awful for ages. It's not like some of the things I read. I think I focus too much on isolated incidents from the past. The high risk thing goes on the last 12 months so professionals would agree I'm not in serious danger. I'll still think about what to do and try to plan but I just need you all to know I made it sound much worse than it is. I'm sorry for that. It was my panic.

@plantlife a refuge would help you get housed anywhere in the country. You could start again anywhere as a single person.

I spent 9 months in a refuge but I now live in a quaint little village far away from where I was!

When I went to the homeless team with the refuge, there were places that you could possibly move into in weeks that were all over the country.

Please don't rule the options out. They will help you. That's what they're there for. You are vulnerable to any Council and they can put you on a housing list anywhere.

Thank you. That's my dream to be in a peaceful village somewhere. I don't think I can cope being around too many people anymore. The virus complicates it but I suppose I need to follow the advice on this thread. All along it's been my fears and barriers stopping me go. I'll also miss him. I am already am. I want to get my confidence back. I feel a bit different today. I'm realising my fears took over. I was so convinced I wouldn't be helped. The bad experiences with my local services really really knocked me back but I should've trusted the other places. Thank you everyone again. It's up to me to be strong now if I can be.

I'm painting at the moment @plantlife and guess who I was thinking about when I was painting? That's right, you. I was worried about you, wondering if he was back in your place with you and wondering if you were going to make it.

Well done for getting advice and I'm really pleased to hear he's not coming back.

And no, no professional would think you weren't in any danger and if they did, they're inexperienced. Some of the most quiet, harmless men have gone on to maim and murder. You could go twenty years without so much as a raised eyebrow and suddenly experience violence.

Hi @plantlife we are so happy to hear you are making plans! Honestly this is the best news. Imagine us holding your hand every step of the way x

If I could I would have you here in our sleepy little village, you would love it! Make that your goal, to find a lovely home in a beautiful, peaceful part of the world xx

I'm so stupid. I thought today was Friday! I think my mind's got a bit messed up from the stress and staying up all night a few times. I've just psyched myself up to make the calls and then saw the date on my phone.

I'll just have to wait for Monday. I could complete my housing list reapplication over the weekend but I wanted to speak to a DV service first. It's so hard to get through. They must be inundated. I'm scared if I say violence still happens (although not as much or as bad recently) they'll think it's risk of serious harm. But if I downplay too much I'll be lower on the list. Maybe I'll downplay a little and could contact them at a later date if I need to, like if anything got worse. I got myself mentally prepared to feel safe whilst there's lockdown but now I'm scared about it ending. I suppose I'm in the opposite situation to most DV victims as lockdown us keeping me safe from him. If Lockdown ends would places outside London accept me? I'd wear a mask and go by cab even if it was very expensive so limited risk to others? I'm determined not to waste the next two weeks. I'm still missing him at the same time. I suppose that's normal?

Thank you for the lovely kind posts. People on MN have been so kind. I don't want to keep testing people's patience. I need to finally get myself out of this situation. I feel stronger now and I suppose when he's here Iose that confidence. I hope you all stay safe and well and have good weekends.

You’ll miss him still for a long time before it gets out of your system. I’ve been gone a year. Today I’ve done my own car insurance renewal and taken him off the multi car policy so now he has to sort his out himself. I feel bad a little, I still have this small part of me that wants to help him, the rest would run him over with the newly insured car. So what I’m trying to say is, it will take time but it will feel better as each day passes.

It’s tough right now, but when I think of what seeing or hearing such behaviour does to my son it’s time to go! Really hope the lockdown doesn’t last too much longer, if I could drive I would have packed the boot and put the little one in a child seat to be gone by now too.

@plantlife please don't downplay anything. Just tell the truth and if you are high risk, you will be considered more vulnerable so please just put down whatever has happened.

You're doing really, really well. It's a great idea to re register for the housing list as you can't get permanent housing without it. Please tell the domestic abuse organisations the truth, otherwise the advice you get won't be suitable for you and could put you at risk. No one is going to judge you.

Make a list of people to call first thing Monday, keep trying the helpline but there are other DV services you can contact. Check them out here.

@plantlife
Welcome to Monday , Plant

Get thee on the phone, my lovely and start to plan your escape to a nice quiet village...

Glad you’ve got your Mojo back.

So, I live with my fiancé who has intermittently been both physically and emotionally abusive. The physical abuse happens about once a year, it’s the emotional stuff that’s regular, say once or twice a month. Anyway, last night I found out that he has been sending flirty messages to some of his female learners, he deleted the thread and pretended that it had disappeared. So, he’s pretty much been caught red handed, I pointed out that he is breaching the code and conduct of being an ADI. He proceeded to be ULTRA defensive calling me all sorts of names, said I’m boring and that I’m not contributing to our wedding (I’m a carer for my disabled 12 year old son) instead of being remorseful he just turns against me further and deflects. Very strange behaviour. I tend to ignore him when he gets like this, leave him to stew. He brought me a cup of tea last night upstairs and I left his pillows outside the bedroom to sleep elsewhere 😂 he is now looking very sheepish and staying out of my way.....it’s so hard and exhausting trying to hold your own in this situation, just wondering if anybody else is dealing with somebody with a difficult personality in lockdown, could really do with some words of support right now.

PS Previously, he has hurt me which resulted in me having to phone the police (no support network) he has also taken our child and said he wasn’t returning her (2015)

@Sarahjess26 you're dealing with an abuser under very difficult circumstances, he hits you to keep you in line and is emotionally and physically abuse. I hope you're not planning on marrying this man.

Check out the Freedom Programme online. Organise a safety plan (details on the first page of the thread).

You are allowed to leave even during the lockdown and his behaviour may escalate during the lockdown which will be extended.

Calls to helplines have increased. Here's what to do if you can't get through.

If you're in immediate danger or think things are escalating to violence dial 999

If you are concerned and don't know what to do contact 101 and speak to the police. They have a domestic violence unit of trained officers who can tell you your options and give you advice.

You can go to the website of your council and search for their domestic abuse resources. They tend to have joined up services, though what the council offers depends on where you are.

Do a Google search for domestic abuse as there may be 24 hour organisations available in your area. For example, 'Domestic Abuse help Birmingham'.

Look for your local domestic abuse organisations here. They tend to be open during office hours but, it's worth emailing or giving them a call to get back to you if it's feasible.

Options:

1. You can try to get into a refuge. A refuge is accommodation outside your area with a concealed address so the perpetrator cannot find you. Refuges are scarce but try, you never know what's available. Contact Refuge for more details. Your council or Local Authority will also assist with a refuge place if possible. Contact their Housing Office for more details.

1. If you have no where to go and are in danger and don't know what to do, contact 999 and speak to the police. The police can issue a Domestic Violence Protection Notice (DVPN) that removes the abuser for 48 hours, which can be extended to 28 days, giving you time to sort something out.

1. Legal Options:

a. In England, Wales and Northern Ireland you can apply for emergency injunctions. A Non Molestation Order to prevent him harming you. An Occupation Order to keep him out of the house and a Prohibited Steps Order to stop him taking the children. For help on those contact the NCDV or Domestic Violence Assist who provide free emergency injunctions.

b. In Scotland, you can apply for an Interdict. Read more about that here. You can contact the Scottish Women's Rights Centre for more info on domestic abuse laws and help or the helpline, details below.

1. For help with any housing matters you may have such as covering the rent, emergency accommodation or anything else, contact Shelter who offer both phone and chat helplines.

For information and support on domestic abuse, contact:

Police: 999 press 55 when prompted if you can't speak (on a mobile phone only)

National Domestic Abuse Helpline (UK wide 24-hour helpline): 0808 2000 247

Welsh Women's Aid Live Fear Free 24-hour helpline: 0808 80 10 800

Scotland National Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriages 24-hour helpline: 0800 027 1234

Northern Ireland Domestic Abuse 24-hour helpline: 0808 802 1414

Online webchats and text services are also available.

You can find other helplines here. These cover stalking and other forms of abuse such as digital, domestic abuse and culturally appropriate organisations.

I'm not sure I'll make it through this but maybe I'm having a bad day. I'm panicking about the virus. My biggest fear is lockdown ends and he's back, but it's still risky going outside with the virus still here.

I couldn't get through again to the helpline. I can't try my local one again as they really didn't want to help. I could try later but I'm tired.

For now should I put plans on hold? He's away so it's not urgent for me? Other women trying to get through need immediate advice and they're extra busy now. I've got to finish the housing application by next week, that's the only thing. I suppose I need to have a chance of somewhere for when he's back, but I'm too scared. If he's away, even if they think it was bad in the past, they won't need to take any immediate action? I'm too scared of emergency accommodation especially sharing facilities and especially with the virus. The police won't arrest him? I'm safe for now. I think I'm overthinking maybe. I've been mostly inside for months so it's hard to think straight. I'm still missing him a lot and it's lonely without him. I feel like I've betrayed him by posting especially as he's at higher risk of the virus too. Anyway I'll try to get through to the helpline and keep going with my plans for after lockdown.

@plantlife well done for hanging in there, I know it's hard and it sounds like you're going through a tough time. You're being really brave though.

You need to keep doing what you're doing. I find that breaking things into lists helps. Write down what you need to do and tick it off as you go along so you can see that you are making progress. Try and get your sleeping in order as well as that's detrimental to your mental health and it sounds like you suffer from anxiety.

So for example:

Stuff to do:

1. Re register for council housing
2. Find other domestic abuse organisations in my area by doing a Google search as I live in London and there will be more than one in my area
3. Contact Anxiety UK for information and advice on my anxiety. Take a look at the info on Mind as well and try to eat properly and get my sleeping back into a good routine. Self care is important.
4. Contact the National Centre for Domestic Violence or DV Assist for information on getting an injunction. Details above.
5. Find out if my LA does the Sanctuary Scheme and look into getting the place made safe.
6. Remember that getting into a cab and going from my place to a place of safety is no more dangerous than allowing my boyfriend back.
7. Bear in mind that support workers will assist me in getting to a place of safety outside London and that I will be safe and can rebuild my life.
8. Take a look at the Freedom Programme online.

These are the things I'm going to do in order to get away from an abuser and to keep myself safe.

Thank you do much. I've been paralysed by fear for so long. I've got myself psyched up a few times but each time something's gone wrong. A bad doctor in the past, refuge places being full, me losing my confidence, health flare ups. I'm so torn with feelings too. It's been a long time with him and I'm kind of dependant on him emotionally as well as practically. I know I'm difficult but I'm hoping people might understand a bit about how hard I found it in the past to physically leave. I couldn't even step foot outside sometimes. I've been in a sort of lockdown for so long. I see people finding it hard after just a few weeks. I don't understand why my local service didn't understand or want to help me. When I spoke to them I had bad mobility and it also affected me mentally. It's luckily better now. I also had no money at all to get anywhere. They told me other women manage it. I'm sorry for rambling. It made me so wary of trusting support services.

I'm expressing it all here to get it out as it goes over and over in my head whenever I'm preparing to call again. I'll try to follow your list. I'm scared of being knocked back for help. I think I should try to leave before he's back? But they're so so busy now. They'll need to prioritise women who need to leave immediately. They'll probably tell me to contact them again if he's back. I've decided to not mention violence in the housing application. I can't cope with possible police. I can always update them if things got bad again. I'll just say past abuse.

Do you or anyone else know about any plans by Refuge or anyone else to help women (or children) who are at higher risk from the virus. Will there be self contained accomodation? I read today rough sleepers were given self contained and it's made me feel a bit more hopeful. I think I'm glad I have time to stay here and plan. It's a calm period and I think I'm a bit more confident although I know my posts don't seem like it.

Sorry @Sarahjess26 I've just seen your post. I know it's stupid me advising you get help when I haven't but it's easier telling others. But please know you'll definitely get help. You have children including a disabled child who need to be protected. They will help you all. It's so hard dealing with the emotional stuff. I always want to stand up for myself too but it's better really until you leave or they do to try not to antagonise them. Try to ignore the messages with other women. Don't bother talking to him about it. He'll just deny it or get angry. Is it your home? Could you have him leave?