For those on lockdown with an abuser

[12345kbm]

Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

Can anyone advise me? Someone close to me (over 60's) is living with an abuser, this has been going on for many many years, it's finally got to the point where I'm seriously concerned for their safety.

The police have been involved and made a referral, however the referral team say they can't help, so far the victim has spoken To four different people from varying places, none of them seem to know what to do. Today's lady said to contact a solicitor, which is obviously very difficult to do in such circumstances, and would ultimately cauSe enormous difficulties.

Where can they turn for genuine help and advice? They desperately need to get away from this person, who is physically, financially, emotionally and mentally abusive every sIngle day.

Any help is very much appreciated.

Stay safe.

I can hopefully point you in the right direction.

What's their current situation?
Have they asked for help ie they actually want to do something?
Are they married?
What's the housing situation?
How bad is the abuse ie are they in physical danger?

@12345kbm thanks again for all the info, I’m going to get my hands on the book you mentioned,I think I’ve found a way around it without bringing it to “DH’s” attention. Knowledge is power and all that jazz.
I’ve ready the book by Lundy and he is a water torturer to a tee with some mr right thrown in for good measure. However he managed to reluctantly convince me that he loves me and his behaviour is not abusive. Bit of a mind f if I’m being completely honest.
Thanks again to all the posters and to Op for starting the thread and providing such invaluable knowledge and support to us all.

I will contact my local DV organisation but I will wait until we are out of lockdown unless he becomes violent. Other people who are in immediate danger need the resources more than me. I’ve put up with his shit for years another couple of months won’t make much difference

@howcanihelp2020 all I can do without the details is advise on who to contact. Hopefully this info can help someone else in a similar situation:

We Are Hourglass gives confidential advice and information to older people who are victims of violence or abuse. A relative or friend of the person being abused can also contact the helpline on behalf of the older person. The helpline can be used in the case of older people who live at home, in a care home or who are in hospital. 0808 808 8141 Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm

Age UK have an Advice Line: 0800 678 1602 8am-7pm, 365 days a year and may also be of help. They have advice here on what to do in the case of elder abuse.

Other ways of getting help:

Adult Social Services at your local council
Your GP or other NHS health providers
National Domestic Abuse helpline 0808 2000 247
The Police - You can call the local police on the 101 non-emergency number or call 999 immediately in an emergency.

There are legal options such as a Non Molestation Order or Occupation Order which you can read about here.

You can contact Rights of Women for more information on those.

There's also an organisation called Finding Legal Options for Women Survivors (FLOWS) which gives legal advice to women who are affected by domestic abuse.

Helpline: 0203 745 7707 Monday to Sunday, 9am to 5pm
[email protected]

@Idontkowmyname it's never too soon to reach out for advice. His behaviour is affecting your mental health and your physical health. I'm really pleased to hear that you're getting some kind of mental health support, it's a great step.

Reading up really helps confirm things which is so important as Domestic Abuse makes you feel as though you're going mad. You're not. It's common to be so conflicted. That's why chatting to a professional can help you to understand what's going on and clarify things for you.

Leaving a long term relationship is hard. It's hard for those who are not experiencing domestic abuse, it's a lot harder if you are because of the affect domestic abuse has on your confidence and self esteem.

One way of building up that confidence is to plan what you're going to do in order to leave. You can do it quietly and it helps you regain some of the power you've lost.

I really hope you do contact your local domestic abuse organisation because you deserve a better life than this.

I think the Patricia Evans book will help you to come to terms with the futility of engaging with an abuser. Let me know what you think.

I had ducks lined up to go at easter, pandemic put a stop. Was tickering along avoiding Stbx (has npd). Waiting for lockdown to lift as not in immediate danger. Tonight he is drunk & its all kicked off. I have been accused of everything you can think of & called every name under the sun. I feel able cope emotionally atm but do feel isolated. I am not in danger but just wanted to share. Anyone else left a narc? Always knew it would be bad but in lockdown, I am dreading it.

@Nipper2020 I'm sorry to hear things are bad for you right now. Remember to dial 999 if you feel you are in danger. You can leave in the case of abuse if it becomes unbearable, if you have nowhere to go perhaps a refuge for a few days or contact Shelter for info on housing.

Thank you for sharing and please keep posting for support. Stay safe.

Thank you so much, you are so very kind. I've just managed to have a covert call with a close family member - they don't live near but they have my back. I have tolerated over 10 years of emotional / narcissistic abuse at the hands of this person & was so close to making my escape. I would never have held it together tonight without the counselling & therapy I have had over the last year (big thanks to my therapist). I will call 999 if it gets really bad but hopefully the dust will settle & I just need to find a place to go to asap - no viewings on rentals atm but lets hope imminently. Thank you again for your kindness, its nice not to feel quite so alone. X

@Nipper2020 I left a narc, although at the time I didn’t realise. All I knew was I couldn’t cope with all the gaslighting, he was breaking my brain! It’s really hard, they can’t take any blame at all. I spent months after ( because I didn’t realise he was a narc) trying to negotiate terms of the divorce, trying to get him to see what he was doing to me....all a waste of time. Therapy like you said is absolutely essential, it takes a lot of mental work to undo all the crap they have told us. I can imagine living with him is so draining at the moment. Sounds like you have a plan tho and you don’t plan on staying any longer then needed.

Thanks Fightingback! I realised he wasn't normal a few years ago, I knew he was selfish, ruthless entitled & very insecure but thought that would get better with my pleaser personality. Nope! Never does. I feel like an idiot but I understand now how clever these people are - the manipulation is astonishing. So glad for you, you are out of it. I hope to be soon. I am packing some stuff quietly right now! Thanks again, take care!

I always thought something wasn’t right about our relationship but I believed I was doing something wrong. He always told me I wasn’t like a “normal wife”. But I really didn’t want to do the things he wanted. I mean he wanted me to flush the toilet after him. I too feel like an idiot but its done now! Won’t be flushing after anyone again lol!!!!

@Nipper2020 it's no problem at all. I'm just glad you're ok. You seem to be doing really well. Getting therapy is a great thing to do for yourself and I'm so pleased it's helped you.

@Fightingback16 I can't believe he did that to you, how humiliating. It just goes to show how deeply in you get. When you look back you wonder what on earth you were thinking but unfortunately you were doing what you could to survive. I hope you're ok.

@12345kbm I try not to look back anymore, nothing worth looking at tbh. One good thing about my loss of memory is I don’t really remember much anyway!! I’ve been watching films that I know I’ve watched but don’t have a clue what happens....small win

I think I would have walked out on him by now if we were not in lockdown. He’s a narc with antisocial traits thrown in and OCD to boot. What a wonderful combination :-(
I’m not allowed to express disappointment or anger and if I dare to do so it’s twisted so I’m the one at fault.
Spent last night doing the entire dinner, bath bed routine for the dc on my own while I listened to him laugh and chat away on a work zoom social.
He told me he’d only be an hour max and was i ok with that, well it was over 1:40 mins which at that critical time in the evening is noticeable. The grandparents also were expecting a call to so had to navigate Skype as well and reschedule the call to work around his stuff up.
He says he loves me but to be honest I don’t think he actually knows what true love is. That emotional intimacy with another person. I’m not an object to keep him fed, clothed and satisfied. Hilariously, he was talking about expanding our family. Not a chance, I was seriously unwell my last pregnancy for starters.

@1212345kbm hi there, sorry for the long absence from the thread. I know it's been a while, but you said, you might have some advice about how I get him removed from the house? Could you give me some names of who to contact if I can't, and how I can get me and 4 children out of here if he doesnt- I mean not homeless.
A few things have happened, the latest one being, calling my 5 year old every swear name under the sun you can think of because he had a little melt down over losing a game ( as 5 year olds can). I've had enough.

@jess3817 first I'm sorry things have got so bad and I appreciate what a difficult time you're going through right now.

There are a few things you can do, depending on where you are in the UK.

I would advise you to contact 101 and speak to the police first. They have the power to have him removed for 48 hours, which can extended to 28 days. That's something you can do now to get advice.

You have two ways of getting free legal advice on your legal options:

1. Rights of Women
2. FLOWS

9am-5pm Monday to Friday, or leave a message out of hours. 0203 745 7707 [email protected] They also have an online form on their website.

You can contact Shelter for housing advice. Those fleeing domestic violence are now considered 'priority need' for housing. Shelter will give you more details about that and can also advise on other housing options in your area of the UK.

Make sure you're writing down all incidents as they count as evidence.

You can download the Brightsky app which gives you more information and has a journal where you can record audio and video evidence.

Please do not tell your partner you are making plans to leave or have him leave as it could escalate the situation.

Let me know how it goes and if you need further help, if I can I'll advise.

@Idontkowmyname I'm sorry things are so tough for you right now. How are you getting on with the book (verbally abusive relationship)?

Thanks very much - appreciate it. No I won't tell him. I have written some stuff down, but will use what you have said too.
It's difficult to know Wich route down, try to get him out or get myself and the kids out. Either way one of us will be.

That's no problem.

The best option is that he leaves. You have a few ways of going about doing that:

1. Police can remove him with a Domestic Violence Protection Order.
2. Occupation Order. An Occupation Order regulates the family home and is granted for six months.
3. You can ask him to leave.

Other options are:

1. Refuge for you and the children until some kind of legal protection is in place.
2. Contact the council and try to get housed. I would recommend you contact Shelter first because not all councils 'understand' your rights so it helps if you have advice first. Also, what you're entitled to depends on where in the UK you are.

You can of course rent somewhere else.

Thank you.. Will keep you updated. Have told my friend what I'm going to do and she said she'd help in whatever way she can. I suppose i need to tell my parents. They will want to take over and help, wich is what I want really. Someone else to do it all for me but, they can't, I have too.

Please do keep me updated and I'm glad you've got support elsewhere, that's good. The most important thing is that you are safe and your children are safe. If you need support with that, then please contact your local domestic abuse organisation and get advice, or read up on safety planning which is on the first page (as are details on how to find your local DV organisation).

Let me know if you need further support but, with the organisations above, you should be ok.

Don't forget how strong you all are
And that posting on here can really help
Speaking from experience and when we manage to get out and are free of the abuse - it is the BEST feeling ever ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️