For those on lockdown with an abuser

[12345kbm]

Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

Evening, things here are ok. He is still drinking alot and making silly comments but the following me around the house asking what I am doing every 20 seconds has stopped over the last few days when I snapped at him. I was unloading the washing machine when he asked me what I was doing - common sense anyone?

I have one more week of him until he goes back to work. I can not wait for that day. I will be able to catch up on things, research other options and just spend some time doing what I want to do.

Plant

Please don’t apologise so much

I can see how distressed you are . Look the abuse fucks us up . I’m a fairly articulate ballsy ‘functioning’ professional on paper . But I’m a mess . I’m on anti depressants
I have had therapy now 4 times
I have attended Freedom programme
I’m so anxious
I try to be a good parent but sometimes the anger spills over
I worry desperately about my eldest child who got the worse of it all

Hand on heart the BEST thing I did was Freedom programme . It was just a
Small rooms and some
Women , sometimes there were only two of us . It was also free , the LA funded it
It took me years and years to get away

And what made me was NOT the harm to me
But the harm to my kids

Please don’t berate yourself so much

In my opinion the SS were good in that they opened my eyes . BUT it took
Me being the bravest I have ever been to end things .

So you are taking steps
I urge you if NOTHING else to speak to a professional about your anxiety

And do anything you can to get on Freedom

Sending many and lots of love to everyone going through this

I’ve been there and I have also been berated for ‘not
Leaving ‘ and being weak

I’m strong , and it took me over a decade and nearly broke me

It’s fucking hard

@seekingfreedom I'm glad to hear you're ok and thanks for letting us know how you are.

When you say, 'research other options', do you mean you're planning on leaving?

So Fucking hard just about sums it all up. Just as my anxiety was reducing slightly and I was beginning to feel a little normal, today I have a tooth abscess and my face is swollen. I severely neglected my dental health as well as just about everything else and now I’m paying the price!

Jesus
Put down Mumsnet and get that seen to
The tooth 🦷

Such bad luck 😩

I have antibiotics, it’s all they will do unless my head explodes and I need A&E.

@Fightingback16 - I hope the ABs have settled your abscess down. The lockdown continues, but our health pays no attention to that!

@plantlife - hello again my lovely. I’m so glad you are taking the very wise advice from these people. I know it’s such an uphill struggle for us all. We do all ‘get’ it. Baby steps...and listen to the advice.

Can I just say that if I was a neighbour of yours, I’d be wanting to help you get the hell out. I don’t understand why you think your neighbours are against you... because they really won’t be. Can you not email your GP prior to the appointment? Just spend a day or two writing it all down... You are very good and coherent on paper so it will come across as the full story. It can take you an hour or several days. Write it, sleep on it, adjust it. Whatever. It’ll be a totally silent activity that no camera or microphone will pick up.

My DBro likened my situation as being in a ‘holding pattern’ circling the sky and waiting to land when the lockdown eases. I’m having to play nicely and go with the flow. My DC sees it all, so won’t be at all surprised when I let them know about my plans. Just don’t want to tell them info that they’ll have to hide for any length of time.

There is this huge strand of neediness in “D” H that I refuse to pander to.
I really understand the trailing behind you like some child, asking what you’re doing or just uttering a needy “Hellooooo...?” in pathetic voice.
GRRRRR

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie thanks, yes the swelling is a lot better but I feel absolutely drained of energy, I could just lay on the floor. I’m guessing that’s the antibiotics, I’ve not really had them before. These men are so needy. I think that at the end of the day that describes most abusive men. They have a constant need that needs seeing to and they get you to comply with whatever means. They don’t have empathy.

I’m just feeling really invisible to people both here and irl. Facebook messages with friends are ignored and my own husband who should be a source of comfort at this stressful time is the source of my stress.
I just feel discarded like a piece of rubbish to be honest. He’s controlling and mandating everything I spend. We went to the supermarket and he and the dc waited in the car. As soon as I got back in the car he lectured me about how much I had spent. My mistake being I dared to buy a couple of small bags of nuts for nutritious snacks. Let’s completely ignore the fact that every shop he does a lemon tart or a chocolate cake make it into the basket.
I’m still calling him on his behaviour each and every time he is disrespectful to me or the dc. It’s exhausting living like this. My health has also taken a major hammering in recent months. I should be resting but instead I’m rushing after multiple school age dc and trying to stay on top of meals, housework etc when they all just leave their crap around. Yet he will still claim how wonderful and supportive he is! What a bloody joke.

@Idontkowmyname please know that you're not invisible. This is a place to vent as well as get help and, if you need advice I'm here, just ask. I thought you were using it as a place to vent.

I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve by calling him out on his behaviour. Do you think he's going to change by doing that? It just sounds, like you say, exhausting.

Do you think it might be helpful to find out information and get some advice on leaving the relationship?

Please know you're not alone. There is someone here reading your posts with concern. You're not writing into a void.

@@plantlife how are you doing?

@12345kbm I sent you a pm 23 April regarding a post I made in this thread cross referencing a thread I started before Xmas. I was worried I might have overstepped by posting the info so I reached out to you to say that if I had done so it was not my intention.
If it was only your pm that went unread, because I can appreciate these things happen(people don’t always check them etc) it wouldn’t be so bad but at present, I’m just made to feel like I’m an inconvenience any time I interact with anyone. I’m aware a huge driving force in how I’m feeling is dictated by his behaviour and treatment of me.

I’m hoping that by calling him out I can demonstrate a repeated pattern so he can no longer claim he didn’t realise. Pointless perhaps but at least he can’t weasel his way out of things as easily. He makes me doubt myself all the time by saying his behaviour is not abusive that he would have no reason to be abusive as he knows what a strong intelligent person I am.

@Idontkowmyname I'm sorry you did. You're quite right. I apologise for not getting back to you. Please don't think that you were being dismissed or are unimportant and I'm sorry if you felt that way. I read it and completely forgot to get back to you.

I know how that can feel. When you are feeling low, it's easy to interpret other people's behaviour as somehow reflective of you, but in my case it wasn't. I get busy and can't keep up with everything, it's nothing to do with you and no, of course I didn't think anything of it (the link to the thread - it was kind of you to put it there for others).

I hope you feel a bit better knowing that it was my fault and nothing to do with you.

@Idontkowmyname regarding calling him out on his behaviour.

You sound overwhelmed. I think it's time to just shut down now and focus on yourself. I wouldn't bother calling him out as he knows you're intelligent and he's gaslighting you. This is a game you're never going to win because you're not playing on a level playing field.

Do you have any access to mental health support at all? Counselling whether by phone or online?

@12345kbm Thanks for your kind posts, they are very much appreciated.

@Idontkowmyname you're very welcome. Thank you for being so understanding.

Yes I do have someone to talk to in fact I should have had an appt last week but they forgot. Appropriate registration/accreditation etc. They have rescheduled but nothing screams like nobody cares for you when people don’t even make time for you when you pay them!

Hmmm doesn't sound good. But well done for organising that, that's a huge step because it's self care which is so important.

The problem with an abuser is that they're not trying to make the relationship better so it doesn't matter what you do to counter them. He knows he's gaslighting you and twisting things. If you try and change to accommodate that, he'll move the goal posts again.

Have you read the Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans? It might help you to understand the dynamics at play here. It gives examples of arguments that you might recognise. Once you realise how powerless you are in the face of abuse to bring about any meaningful change, the quicker you can disengage and let it go past you.

@Idontkowmyname - that book recommendation is excellent. I’m getting myself through this lockdown partly through reading books like these. I had more lightbulb moments reading that than the Lundy Bancroft one, tbh.

I would stop calling him out on his behaviour. It is indeed exhausting and gains you nothing really in the long term. People just don’t change. Our reaction to other people CAN change, and gaining more knowledge through reading and these boards is POWER!

Thanks all I’ve really appreciated your support. The million dollar question though is how do I truely distinguish thoughtless and forgetful behaviour from abusive? I don’t want to throw a marriage of over ten years and life for my dc upside down if we can and should work on things.

I will need to try and find a way to access the book as my iBooks and amazon account are both linked to his credit card and it would not be appropriate to let him see what I’m buying

Unfortunately @idontknowmyname and I know it’s a really bitter pill to swallow, there really isn’t a time when they aren’t abusive. When they are nice and make compliments they are playing a game. If they were horrible all the time it would be too obvious. I’m still dealing with this now, knowing that I was played for the whole 11 years of my marriage, it’s crushing. The only thing that I think is that yes, on his side it was all fake but my emotions were real. If you enjoyed it you enjoyed it, try not to think about his behaviour.

@Idontkowmyname - I know the Lundy book you can download as a free PDF.

The Patricia Evans one I got on 'loan' from my Amazon kindle library so had a month to read.

@Idontkowmyname perhaps the best thing to do is to contact your local domestic abuse organisation and have a chat about what's going on and see what they suggest.

You sound ground down and like you're drowning so from that alone, I'd say you're being abused. It's very easy to go day by day hoping that things will get better but, the best predictor of the future is what's happened in the past.

From your description above he's financially abusive and coercive. He's constantly undermining you and gaslighting you. That's all abusive behaviour. He's not going to change because if he was going to change, he's had ten years to do it in and he hasn't.

Meanwhile, your mental health is suffering. Your physical health is suffering and you're living on eggshells. Do you want a lifetime of this?

It was announced at the weekend that survivors will get 'priority need' housing at the council. Your council must provide emergency housing if they think you have a priority need and meet immigration and residence conditions. You qualify for longer term housing if the council decide you're in priority need and homeless through no fault of your own. You are not classified as making yourself homeless if you are fleeing domestic abuse.

For more information please contact Shelter.